Difficult adult daughter

A

avrp

Member
I don't know...I'm just venting I guess. People's opinions on parenting often differ, but maybe you could help by affirmation or even criticism. I hope it makes sense lol. I'm not very elequent.

My only child, I'll call her Mary. She's 37, is married and has three children. They live 15 minutes away from me. When we get together we usually have a really fun time, but Mary and I often don't see eye to eye and we just agree to disagree.
She can get bossy to me. Sometimes it feels like she thinks she's the mom. It feels disrespectful.
I usually say nothing and walk on egg shells to keep the peace (Love my grandchildren and want to see them) Occasionally I will tell her in a soft voice, that she shouldn't talk to me like that.
One time we were estranged for 6 months because I got tired of her s--t.

So last week I got quite fed up with her as she was texting me how I "should" do this or I didn't do "that"

I text back: "You need to get a grip"

Her response was: "Wow"

Haven't hear from her since. It is so upsetting to me but I refuse to be mistreated. Or am I mistreating her?
 

It does sound like she tries to dominate you, but hard to tell without some examples. What's an example of something that you do, or didn't do, that makes her feel she can contact you with such criticism? Are these things that affect her or her children at all? Sounds like there's some head-butting for sure, but I don't think anyone should have to walk on eggshells to please another. Has the relationship always been rocky, even when she was a child or a teen?
 
I shouldn't have posted that because it involves some personal things and a it's a long story.
Thank you SeaBreeze for responding though, I appreciate it.
Sorry...
 

Marty, don't feel bad about posting, I almost wondered if possibly were writing from something I wrote in the past, well pretty close. LOL. After a certain age and I became ill, my daughter started acting like she was my mother, she wants every detail of my every thought if I don't comply good grief. Not going to happen. I love her best from a distance. I'm not gonna go into details, but, a couple of years earlier, I was thrilled to see the book, pictured below, on sale at my library.
 
Just share what you want to Marty, you don't need to get too personal at all. It's okay if it's a long story too...hugs.
 
I suppose it is like a see saw balance of power..

You getting older..

I find this happens with my sons..

I know their intentions are good..very often grabbing a private letter..or a bill and asking me about it...

I always say..''don't be so nosy..you're not too old to get yer ass kicked!!''':D
 
Gotta say (in red below), you do have a way of telling someone something! As for me, I'm just not THAT tough. Heck, I was "teary-eyed" when I seen the end of the movie ET! There are times that wife and I both have to pull a Kleenex tissue out of the box while watching certain movies.

Twixie said:
I suppose it is like a see saw balance of power..

You getting older..

I find this happens with my sons..


I know their intentions are good..very often grabbing a private letter..or a bill and asking me about it...

I always say..''don't be so nosy..you're not to old to get yer ass kicked!!''':D
Click to expand...
 
ClassicRockr said:
Gotta say (in red below), you do have a way of telling someone something! As for me, I'm just not THAT tough. Heck, I was "teary-eyed" when I seen the end of the movie ET! There are times that wife and I both have to pull a Kleenex tissue out of the box while watching certain movies.
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It comes from having had a tough life CR...:cool:
 
Sometimes the younger generation can be disrespectful to us. In order to keep the peace within the family, sometimes it's better to just let it go. There's a chance that the tougher you get, the tougher she will get. Perhaps you and her just need a good "mother-to-daughter" talk........that is, if she will talk to you about your feelings.

Doesn't sound like you're too much of a "toughie" and she know that. Unfortunately, sometimes when the parents become a "toughie" with adult children, a battle can begin. Sometimes, the adult child understands, when talked to, and will respect their parents feelings.

We were visiting a SIL and her granddaughter last month. While we were at a Bass Pro Store, the SIL wanted to take a photo of granddaughter holding something. Wife and I found out very quickly that her sister's granddaughter don't like her grandma taking photos of her! The granddaughter kept turning around w/grandma/SIL following her with the camera phone. Granddaughter kept saying "no", but dear grandma/SIL wasn't going to stop trying to take her photo. Finally, the granddaughter gave dear grandma a dirty look and said "no" pretty loud. Grandma/SIL put her phone away and I said "if you want to get along with her, I wouldn't point that camera phone at her again!" Wife and I have got photos of our niece (the SIL's granddaughter) on her horse, so we know that she does get her photo taken........but, it's got to be when SHE wants it taken.
 
ClassicRockr said:
Sometimes the younger generation can be disrespectful to us. In order to keep the peace within the family, sometimes it's better to just let it go. There's a chance that the tougher you get, the tougher she will get. Perhaps you and her just need a good "mother-to-daughter" talk........that is, if she will talk to you about your feelings.

Doesn't sound like you're too much of a "toughie" and she know that. Unfortunately, sometimes when the parents become a "toughie" with adult children, a battle can begin. Sometimes, the adult child understands, when talked to, and will respect their parents feelings.

We were visiting a SIL and her granddaughter last month. While we were at a Bass Pro Store, the SIL wanted to take a photo of granddaughter holding something. Wife and I found out very quickly that her sister's granddaughter don't like her grandma taking photos of her! The granddaughter kept turning around w/grandma/SIL following her with the camera phone. Granddaughter kept saying "no", but dear grandma/SIL wasn't going to stop trying to take her photo. Finally, the granddaughter gave dear grandma a dirty look and said "no" pretty loud. Grandma/SIL put her phone away and I said "if you want to get along with her, I wouldn't point that camera phone at her again!" Wife and I have got photos of our niece (the SIL's granddaughter) on her horse, so we know that she does get her photo taken........but, it's got to be when SHE wants it taken.
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I actually think it is fear...I've always been a strong lady...but now my hair is going silver..they somehow feel a little angry with you for ''getting old'...

They are realising that you are mortal..

And equate getting old with losing your marbles..

If I have a doctors appointment..when I come away..my phone is red hot..''Are you OK?..what did he say??''
 
Thanks guys. I really appreciate your replies. ClassicRockr, my 17 yr old granddaughter is the same way.... so I just don't take pics of her unless she wants me to :)

My daughter has temper issues and anxiety issues, which doesn't help matters.
A few times she blamed me for a lonely childhood because she was an only child and we lived out in the country.
I feel like her punching bag. When she left her husband she moved in with me. That's when it all began and she moved out hating me and disowning me, and since that 6 month separation I've toughened up because I found out that she is not the child I thought she was. It took all my strength and some therapy but I didn't try to contact her. I waited for her to make the first move. Things were better after that. We got along great (still do at times) and have had so much fun together.
Probably the last year or so Mary has slowly began to be disrespectful. I don't know...maybe it's about her home life....happiness or lack of.

I find it difficult to be the mother of this adult child. I want a relationship with her ... but I won't let her disrespect me. So it's up to me to find that balance, even if it's loving her from afar and not getting so emotionally attached.
 
Twixie, I often wonder if it's fear too....but fear of having to care for me in my old age. Being an only child she may feel trapped.
 
Now I suffer from ''smother'' sons.I have 3 in Italy..2 in the South of France..my youngest one lives here with me after a disastrous marriage..

My sons it Italy..''Mama..come here..we will buy you a flat next to the sea...you don't need to pay nothing..It's warm here Mama..

My sons in France..''Come and live over here..we want you here..we will send you a plane ticket, don't bother to pack nothing..(sic)..
 
I think that it can sometimes be a confusing relationship between parent and child as the child becomes an adult and the parent ages.
My daughter and I have that kind of a situation , too; but we usually joke about it, and it is not a problem with us. Since I have not had the best health, my daughter has started realizing that she could lose me; so she worries and fusses about me, and how I am doing.
The other side of that is, no matter how old she is; to me , she is still "my little girl". Even though I know she works away from home often, and enjoys the kayaking and rockhounding on weekends; I still worry if she is okay.
She says, "but MOM, I am 42 ! ! I am not a kid anymore."

The lines are blurry of who takes care of who at some point.
We have to get used to the changing of roles from being the mother and caretaker of our children, to becoming the one who can do less and needs help more as we continue to age.

Verbal abuse should not be a part of it though, regardless of who is taking care of who.
 
Sorry that you are going through this, Marty... I'm glad you will have a talk (later) ....could I suggest something? Try to just ask questions...and see what kind of responses you are getting... It so strange that she would ACT this way to you...and I know that must hurt...
Tell her to be honest as to why she feels that she has to be so bossy... ask her if she knows WHY she feels this way ... that you would honestly like to know...without you sounding critical of her...
The reason I say this, is it sounds as if she has issues that she might have to talk to a therapist about... But you know what?? If you just plain 'lose it' with her, I could not blame you... Would she be open to the both of you visiting with a therapist? You might ask her...
Sending you love and good luck!
 
Hi Marty,

It sounds like you are writing my story. The last couple years have been terrible with my son and myself. He has decided that he is the father and he is questioning how I spend my money, etc. etc. etc, telling me I should be on a budget. I have gotten this far, and I am 71, I raised him on my own, supported him and financed his business as well as many automobiles. I even gave him his inheritance early so he could start another business on the side of buying and reselling homes after they are renovated. He is doing very well and I am proud of him, but he doesn't realize that I played a big part in how far he has come.....and he shouldn't be trying to boss me around now. He would never have had the finances he has now if I had not given him so much.

It really disturbs me now that he is so distant with me because I won't do as he tells me to do. Well, that is never going to happen, I haven't lost my marbles yet and I still have more experience under my belt than he or his wife have.

He hasn't called in a long time, I won't call either. I called once and left a message on his answering service, he didn't call back. So be it........He is nearly 50 and he is old enough to take care of himself now. My job is over and I did a good job. I am proud of myself.
 
Melody1948 said:
Hi Marty,

It sounds like you are writing my story. The last couple years have been terrible with my son and myself. He has decided that he is the father and he is questioning how I spend my money, etc. etc. etc, telling me I should be on a budget. I have gotten this far, and I am 71, I raised him on my own, supported him and financed his business as well as many automobiles. I even gave him his inheritance early so he could start another business on the side of buying and reselling homes after they are renovated. He is doing very well and I am proud of him, but he doesn't realize that I played a big part in how far he has come.....and he shouldn't be trying to boss me around now. He would never have had the finances he has now if I had not given him so much.

It really disturbs me now that he is so distant with me because I won't do as he tells me to do. Well, that is never going to happen, I haven't lost my marbles yet and I still have more experience under my belt than he or his wife have.

He hasn't called in a long time, I won't call either. I called once and left a message on his answering service, he didn't call back. So be it........He is nearly 50 and he is old enough to take care of himself now. My job is over and I did a good job. I am proud of myself.
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Hi Melody...gosh it really breaks my heart to hear stories like yours. It seems that the mothers who give and give...they are taken advantage of, manipulated and disrespected. The mothers who stay distant, who aren't there for their children when they need them...those children long for love and approval. It seems so unfair.
My daughter was kind of like your son. I got some good advice and stopped enabling her. I was there for her but I started practicing tough love. It's difficult. I still have to stop myself from trying to help and "fix" everything.
Although it will break your heart, I encourage you to leave your son alone. Do not contact him. He will come around in time.
 
Thanks for the advice ladies. Yes, I learned some difficult lessons in life and family relationships, but I am stronger now because of it. I did a lot of things because the father was not there and maybe deep down I was trying to fill in the blank; but, needless to say, a lot of us learn too late.

I love my son dearly. I know he loves me too. We just do not see eye to eye anymore. I spoiled him too much so I have to accept the consequences. He will call me someday. I will be here for him when he does. But things will be different now. I am happy in spite of everything.
 
marty said:
I don't know...I'm just venting I guess. People's opinions on parenting often differ, but maybe you could help by affirmation or even criticism. I hope it makes sense lol. I'm not very elequent.

My only child, I'll call her Mary. She's 37, is married and has three children. They live 15 minutes away from me. When we get together we usually have a really fun time, but Mary and I often don't see eye to eye and we just agree to disagree.
She can get bossy to me. Sometimes it feels like she thinks she's the mom. It feels disrespectful.
I usually say nothing and walk on egg shells to keep the peace (Love my grandchildren and want to see them) Occasionally I will tell her in a soft voice, that she shouldn't talk to me like that.
One time we were estranged for 6 months because I got tired of her s--t.

So last week I got quite fed up with her as she was texting me how I "should" do this or I didn't do "that"

I text back: "You need to get a grip"

Her response was: "Wow"

Haven't hear from her since. It is so upsetting to me but I refuse to be mistreated. Or am I mistreating her?
Click to expand...

I can't relate as I don't have a daughter, but live your own life. Sometimes we can unconsciously rely on others to be "our" lives, and they are not, they are "part of". I think with the way she is treating you, give her a smaller part of your life, get busy with things, and friends that make you happy. It's up to you/us. I'm not saying disown her, just let her know you have plenty of other things, and a LIFE of your own;)

PS we can't change others behaviour, but we CAN change our own;) hugs, Denise
 
She sounds somewhat like my daughter. I tried to raise her right, and she disrespects me since the end of high school. I should have put my foot down sooner, and not let her do that. Now she is angry and unforgiving when I say "no" to her, as her whole life i said yes, anything you want. To complicate matters, we are fighting for control of our business since my husband just died. She will not listen to my experience, and wants to do everything her way. I just do not know what to do; if I should just leave the business to her, and try to wait it out, and see if she will talk to me again, or what. I am seeing a counselor, and that is his suggestion, and i just might take it. She has a brother, and he could counteract some of her impulsive inexperienced ideas, but he is younger and does pretty much anything she asks. It is a complicated situation. I can totally identify with your situation, Marty.
 
It is amazing how similar some of our stories are. Marty, I think you hit on something important by sharing yours. I have two daughters. One hasn't spoken to me in 5 years. The other gets along with me fairly well, but when she gets in one of her moods, I just keep my distance and wait for her to initiate contact. It's a delicate balance, to be a parent/friend of an adult child, and keep boundaries clear. I wish everyone good luck in walking this difficult road.
 
Excellent, just plain EXCELLENT reply! Your reply here is as good as a 5-Star Hotel/Restaurant!

rporter610 said:
It is amazing how similar some of our stories are. Marty, I think you hit on something important by sharing yours. I have two daughters. One hasn't spoken to me in 5 years. The other gets along with me fairly well, but when she gets in one of her moods, I just keep my distance and wait for her to initiate contact. It's a delicate balance, to be a parent/friend of an adult child, and keep boundaries clear. I wish everyone good luck in walking this difficult road.
Click to expand...
 

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