Difficult Relationship with Adult Daughter Since She Moved

hollydolly said:
My daughter lives the same distance away as yours... it's all motorway driving for 50 miles , and then tiny trafiic filled roads extremely busy through several towns etc.. so although it doesn't sound far on paper .. it's a stressful drive... ( and I'm a person who enjoys like driving)... so it has to be visits of high days and holidays only... and that's sad but it has to be accepted by me.. she's got a full time job, and 3 elderly dogs who can't be left alone for too long..
She can't come here on Mother's day which is this Sunday, but she's sent a gift which arrived today..... it's our joint birthdays in a couple of weeks time so we're trying to arrange something around those dates, and meet somewhere in the middle between our homes as we did just after she moved all the way up there.. it means the dogs don't get left for more than a few hours..

I've been to her home twice since she moved there a year ago.. and now last weekend she's moved into a new house, in the same area and is deep in the process of having it renovated on the precious few days she's off work ( weekends mainly).. so again she's very busy...

With regard to you MommaLynn ( welcome to the forum BTW).. it sounds to me as tho' your DD may have been spoiled growing up, and still demanding mom's attention now when she's feeling tired of taking on a full time responsibility of a newborn....I would suggest she might be suffering from the Baby Blues.. but that doesn't account for her verbal abuse to you.., and of course like all of us if you're going to have toxicity fired at you , you're not going to want to go back for more...

I think you're right to make the decision to stay away for a while, and let the phone go to the answer phone when she calls ... at least until her behavior improves towards you... it's totally unacceptable for her to talk to you in that way...
Click to expand...
Thanks for sharing your story hollydolly. One of the reasons why I sought out a forum like this is to get the perspectives of others that may be in the same boat. I guess we all have to make the best of our situations and seek out positivity rather than anger and anxiety.
Thanks too, for the welcome. I'll be searching other topics on these forums as well. I like the vibe!
 

Hi @MommaLynn, welcome.

First let me say, that verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse and in most cases can lead to a very toxic relationship.
You don't have to put up with this toxicity.

Perhaps she is suffering from PND and is lashing out because she cannot cope.
I would broach the subject with her, very carefully as the feeling of guilt she must be feeling is huge.
Perhaps you can take your Granddaughter for a week once a month?
 
Welcome @MommaLynn ! Good to have you here.

You have gotten lots of good advice already, I can't add much useful to it, but I saw a similar situation in my family so I'll tell you that story.

My mother had a very stressful relationship with my brother and sister-in-law when my brother's children were young. Won't go into details but it had some similarities to yours.

My mother managed to put her own feelings aside, not easy she was very hurt. She decided her relationships with her grandkids were what mattered, not her own feelings. She visited often, usually without invitation. She would just get a motel room near my brother's home and do her best to get as much time with the kids as possible. She made more than one trip without getting to visit at all. She also was sure never to argue or criticize, and to offer help when and where it made sense.

It took years but eventually her relationship with brother and sister-in-law improved. Most importantly she had a great relationship with the kids and never let on to them that there was any problem.

I know of this as I was my Mother's go to person when she needed to vent.

My parents were divorced and my father had similar problems, but he did not make much effort to resolve it. He resented the way he was treated and let everyone know. In the end he had little relationship with his grandkids or my brother. Huge difference.

Best of luck with it!
 

Given the fact that your daughter had a baby and moved right at the same time, she may still be suffering from postpartum depression. Being a new mother and moving in the same time period can be very stressful. Regarding this, I copied a snippet from healthline.com: The postpartum period generally includes the first 4 to 6 weeks after birth, and many cases of PPD begin during that time. But PPD can also develop during pregnancy and up to 1 year after giving birth.
 
hollydolly said:
yes but were you getting verbally abused by your daughter.. ? Mommalynn is already visiting and calling but she's being verbally abused and accused of not doing enough
Click to expand...
My daughter called me names, but she was angry, and I knew why. And it was my fault. But I didn't focus on the words, I focused on the issue, the mistake I made. It was something more unfortunate or stupid than terribly bad. When she called me an idiot, it fit.

Maud couldn't let it go, and I guess you could say that's her fault. She says it is. She was angry over my stupid mistake for 20 whole years. That's a lot of wasted time that you never get back.
 
Murrmurr said:
My daughter called me names, but she was angry, and I knew why. And it was my fault. But I didn't focus on the words, I focused on the issue, the mistake I made. It was something more unfortunate or stupid than terribly bad. When she called me an idiot, it fit.

Maud couldn't let it go, and I guess you could say that's her fault. She says it is. She was angry over my stupid mistake for 20 whole years. That's a lot of wasted time that you never get back.
Click to expand...
yes, but in this case it's not the OP's fault from what we're told... she'd done everything she possibly can and is still being abused...
 
hollydolly said:
yes, but in this case it's not the OP's fault from what we're told... she'd done everything she possibly can and is still being abused...
Click to expand...
Ok, but she still should talk to her. You don't give up on your kids, and her daughter could very well interpret "giving it some space" as giving up on the whole thing.

Man, I'm just sharing my opinion.
 
Your daughter is 34. an adult. Why not treat her like an adult ? Explain to her the same things you posted here & ask her what she expects from you. Why fear hurting her feelings it's obvious she is hurting yours.

What's the worst that can happen if you are honest & up front with her?
 
MommaLynn said:
Hi All, This is my first post here. I am at my wits end due to the very strained relationship that I am experiencing with my 34 yr old daughter. Her and her husband moved to another state last year right after my granddaughter was born. The move is about 75 miles away so not that much of a distance but I was working full time until recently so I did not get to visit as often as she had hoped. Throughout this past year my daughter has been very upset with me that I haven't been there for her. Without going into much detail her conversations on the phone and when I visit turn into bashing sessions. I am making an effort to visit more frequently but when I am there she and her husband harass me to the point where I am not happy to be there. I adore my little granddaughter and love seeing her but not sure how much more of this behavior I can handle.
I understand raising a baby can be very stressful but I am at a loss on how to make things better with my daughter.
I'd be grateful for any suggestions and advice from those who may have experienced similar situations.
Thanks!
Click to expand...
The children we raise grow up and think they are now the parent. She won't appreciate it if you put her in her place, so it depends on how much you adore your new grandchild.
 
Meanderer said:
@MommaLynn Welcome to Senior forums, it's good for you to reach out. You haven't mentioned your husband much, what does he think?
Click to expand...
He is not happy with the situation and wants to call her and SIL out on their behavior. I prefer to keep him out of it as I think it would makes things worse.
 
Two big stressors: a new baby and a move 75 miles away. Um...there's a big hint!

My advice? Talk to her and say everything you've said here, and ask her what's the real problem.

My money says it actually has nothing to do with you. Sounds like she could benefit from a visit to her doc and a referral for therapy.
 
A visit 75 miles away is worth a once a month visit. Two hours + each way is a lot to ask on a frequent basis. Gas isn't cheap and weather doesn't always cooperate. Don't feel any guilt whatsoever. Your daughter is being unreasonable. She's a big girl now.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top