Difficult situation with elderly in-laws living out of state and dealing with their dementia

Well Good luck with it Bob...I really do hope that the best solution comes along for the benefit of all concerned, particularly mum and dad
 

hollydolly said:
Well Good luck with it Bob...I really do hope that the best solution comes along for the benefit of all concerned, particularly mum and dad
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Thanks Hollydolly. It was a very productive meeting. We agreed to start by retaining a geriatric care manager and getting a complete medical assessment for my mother-in-law. There was consensus that at least in the short term, we should not make any moves to bring them up north. Talked about the possibility of modifying their existing condo to make it more accessible. Good discussion and at least we now feel like there's consensus on what to do first.
 
Have interviewed three agencies that offer services centered around geriatric care management, and think we've found a good agency to help with an initial assessment followed by recommendations regarding further steps we need to take to ensure good care for both in-laws. There is a possibility that one of the three in-home caregivers has stolen a valuable piece of jewelry from my mother-in-law, prompting us to get the police involved. There has to be a special circle of hell reserved for anyone who takes advantage of someone in the state my mother-in-law now finds herself, so out of it from anti-psychotic med that she'd not even realize someone was pulling a ring off her finger (if that's in fact what happened).
 

Sadly, it is often difficult to differentiate between reality and the paranoia of a senile person. Not that there are not individuals that prey on the elderly. I totally agree about the special circle of hell. May the geriatric care management resolve your quandry.
 
A quick update for those following this thread. We will likely move my in-laws up to MA and into an assisted living facility. Their Dr. has made it clear that they can no longer stay in their FL home even though they have 24 hour care. They need to be nearer to family. Neither of them is capable of making decisions for themselves, so we will likely have to go into court to get power of attorney or a guardianship. Still sorting that out. It's for the best; they stayed in their home for far longer than was practical, but unfortunately the situation with my mother-in-law is spiraling downward and the doctor has told us it will continue to deteriorate. At least they will now have their family only a few minutes away instead of a four hour journey. Still sorting it all out, but hope to have them here by the end of October if the assisted living facility deems them suitable candidates.
 
Since my last post in this thread, things have sadly continued to deteriorate. My in-laws were rejected for the assisted living facilty as their needs are too great. Beyond the Alzheimer's disease my father-in-law is suffering from, my mother-in-law is now requiring full-time care for the most basic of life's needs. Her dementia is in some ways more advanced than that of her husband. He can at least feed himself, but my mother-in-law now is either in bed or a wheelchair, and though we got her off of the anti-psychotic medicine, which rendered her zombie-like, now she's reverted to aggression. She's bitten all of the caretakers in recent days.

Today my father-in-law fell and they took him to the ER. Their caretaker didn't think to call our home number and instead left a message on my wife's cell phone, but she never noticed it. We can't get them up here soon enough. Now looking into a senior apartment nearby, where they'll have around the clock private care. My wife lost her composure earlier thinking about what lies ahead. Can't say I blame her. All I can say is that we'll get through this together.
 
Best wishes Bob Such a difficult time for you and your wife. I remember caring for my mother, although she was in better shape. All you can do is the best you can do. Regardless you will experience times of frustration, grief, fear, helplessness.

After my mother died, and the grief lessened, I was comforted by the thought I had done everything possible for her. It was fortunate that she died when she did, otherwise she would have been transferred to a home. Her decline was stroke based, she

remained sufficiently aware that she would never have been able to adapt to losing her home, independence etc. controllers do not age well.
 
Bobw235 said:
Since my last post in this thread, things have sadly continued to deteriorate. My in-laws were rejected for the assisted living facilty as their needs are too great. Beyond the Alzheimer's disease my father-in-law is suffering from, my mother-in-law is now requiring full-time care for the most basic of life's needs. Her dementia is in some ways more advanced than that of her husband. He can at least feed himself, but my mother-in-law now is either in bed or a wheelchair, and though we got her off of the anti-psychotic medicine, which rendered her zombie-like, now she's reverted to aggression. She's bitten all of the caretakers in recent days. Today my father-in-law fell and they took him to the ER. Their caretaker didn't think to call our home number and instead left a message on my wife's cell phone, but she never noticed it. We can't get them up here soon enough. Now looking into a senior apartment nearby, where they'll have around the clock private care. My wife lost her composure earlier thinking about what lies ahead. Can't say I blame her. All I can say is that we'll get through this together.
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I'm so sorry to hear that Bob, you and your wife must be very upset and stressed because of this. Their situations sound very severe to say the least. :( I wish you and your wife the strength to deal with all of this, and the best outcome for all of you. Hope your father in law's fall wasn't too damaging for recovery.
 
I'm so sorry Bob, while we were separated hubby had both of his parents in an equally bad way. Their insurance didn't cover the care they really needed. His Dad had to be hospitalized when he hallucinated from the wrong med mix, his Mom needed to be sponge bathed eventually...I will always feel guilty leaving him at that time. Assisted living if you can manage it, prayers are with you.
 
Appreciate your kind wishes everyone. My father-in-law was given some tests in the ER and fortunately they didn't find anything that required his being admitted. We know this is going to get worse before it gets better. There are some blessings in that my sister-in-law is up here with us and will be a huge help in their care. And, my in-laws have the financial resources to pay for full time care. Just know it's going to get worse, but we're all in this together and it is helpful to be able to share my thoughts, feelings and frustrations in this forum. Thanks for your understanding and compassion.
 
Good to know you and your wife have some help there Bob, and it definitely helps to know that finances to cover care is not an issue, that very good.
 
This is all so incredibly sad and stressful for my wife. Last night I could only hold her as she sobbed, following a very difficult call with her father, who insisted he had a flight to catch up to Boston, yelling at her because she wouldn't help him catch the flight. After 10 minutes she convinced him that she'd make the arrangements and pick him up today at the airport, which seemed to calm him down. I'm sure that 10 minutes later he will have forgotten all about the conversation, but it was hard on my wife. She is just so shaken by all of this and knowing what we're facing. Alzheimer's sucks!
 
Thanks to all who have shared their support and kind words on this thread. It is much appreciated. This is a difficult time for us as we see, albeit from afar, the impact of Alzheimer's on the family. Soon enough we'll have to face it on a more regular basis once we have my in-laws moved up to MA. Just waiting for a spot to open up. I hesitated sharing such uncomfortable news in this setting, but I'm glad I did. There may be others who have or will be facing similar circumstances with a loved one. Maybe I can learn from their experience, or they from mine. Also, for the support that is so evident in the comments above. This gives me a forum to share my thoughts with folks who are likely to understand what my family is going through. So, this will almost be a form of diary as my wife and I travel this unfamiliar, scary road. Thanks again for listening and sharing words of support and wisdom.
 
Well, this just goes from bad to worse. Awaiting call from hospital. Father-in-law fell yesterday. "Pelvic fracture" is the early diagnosis. Surgery pending. Once we learn what's up, we'll catch a flight to FL for an indeterminate amount of time.
 
So sorry Bob, I've been witness and in the middle of such cases, never easy, the parents are lucky to have such caring people looking in on them as you all. It does sound like you and your wife are doing everything humanly possible to make things as workable, comfortable and safe for the parents. This is such a difficult predicament for anyone to find themselves in, may the resolution come sooner than later that will put your mind to rest.

One of the cases I was involved with, no one even wanted to acknowledge the wife in the situation's mental facilities was deteriorating, they just chucked up some of her erratic behaviors to simple old age and nothing more. Finally by the time she received a diagnosis, at my prompting and my record keeping of things the wife did which may bare affects upon my patients health not limited but including repeated harmful behaviors toward my patient, the hubby, they had to hospitalize her. The family was in complete denial about the mom, but by now she was so far gone, and in a short time after hospitalization she no longer recognized the family members. What made it worse, she had a caregiver who came to the home daily, wasn't reporting the wife's erratic acts though she too noticed things weren't quite right, she just went along with what some of the children were saying and echoed them by also attributing it to nothing more than old age.

It was quite a feat getting them, all four kids, to recognize there was an issue, they were a great family, very loving, just hard for them to face the facts of the situation. I doubt that reporting it earlier could have changed the end outcome for the mom in the case, but, it could have saved their dad some heartbreak and maybe not burdened him with so much sadness from having to deal with being a target of some of their moms rather violent outburst especially while he was on his own deathbed needing comfort from suffering in those last days of his life.
 
I write this from FL, where we arrived late yesterday, following a whilrwind Friday. Got a call late that night that my father-in-law coded, and because the hospital didn't have his DNR on record, they revived him. We've since fixed that and brought his living will and healthcare POA with us to the hospital. We arrived to find him on a ventilator, sedated and in the ICU. We've told the hospital to withhold the dialysis that was recommended and have met with a hospice nurse to learn what's involved. Sister-in-law and her husband flying down today. Strange how life can turn upside down in the space of a few short hours. Off to try to explain to my mother-in-law what's happening. Mentally preparing for what will surely be a rough period ahead.
 
Back in Massachusetts following a first-hand look at the realities of intensive care, hospice and dying. My father-in-law passed this morning, a little more than 12 hours after being brought to the hospice unit. Before that we got to see just how invasive advanced medicine can get, the ugly side of keeping one alive against the odds. It was a relief to see him disconnected from the respirator and all the IVs, in a quiet room, surrounded by four people who loved him dearly. I played some of his favorite music and held the iPhone up to his ear where he could listen to Tony Bennett, Frank Sinatra, Benny Goodman and so many others. His daughters talked to him, told him stories, rubbed his head and hands and feet and just comforted him. We only saw the faintest glimmer of consciousness over the past two days, but we did see a bit of a smile at one point. In the end, we were not there. He passed before we could get back to the hospital, around 5:30 this morning, with all of us racing to get there when notified that we best come quickly. He died peacefully and we knew that we had eased his transition from this life to the next. I held it together pretty well, but the sobs came when I was alone with him, saying my final goodbye after some 42 years.

Then it was back to his condo to break the news to my mother-in-law, who seemed to understand that he was gone, but then also forgetting that she had visited him just yesterday. She's too frail to make the trip up here from FL, but we assured her that her husband of over 64 years knew in his final moments that she was there for him.

Again, I say thank you for your kind words of support at this difficult time. My wife is handling it as best she can, grateful that her father's suffering was over. As for me, I know there will be more tears in the days ahead, but I am so glad to have been able to be there to support my wife and her sister. We're a small family, but each of us played a role in supporting each other.
 

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