Dispensable friends

A

Amethyst1

New Member
Location
USA
It seems to me that friends are basically conditional or
contingent friends only. I mean real friends, not on the internet only.
When I look back, I see that my friends shared a common interest or bond
or circumstance or situation, and after that changes, or one friend no
longer has that interest in common, the friendship wanes then
vanishes. The bond may be intellectual, physical, job or occupation, sex, etc. Of course,
anyone can say they're "friends" but if you rarely or never stay in contact...
You really don't know a friend's long term worth until things change or it is tested.

Know what I mean? Is this true for you?
 

I've always thought that "true" friends, like "true" love, will endure. You won't find many / much of either, but the good stuff will be around for a while regardless of circumstances.
 
An old true friend is like a relative for me, they will always be a part of my life, even if we are not in constant contact. I better clarify, a relative that I actually like and can stand to be around.

My husband and I both have good friends we have been friends with for 40-45 years. We don't socialize much anymore, but we are always in contact. If we have news, good or bad, we call each other.

But I do agree, people's interests change and if the friendship is based more on mutual activities, then is will most likely fall to the wayside.
 

Yes, know what you mean. But we're all dispensable, friends die and we survive without them. It's 'disposable' that's the worry really. But even then sometimes people exceed the bounds that loyalty can safely support and have to be discarded along the way.

Lifelong friends are only that because they have obviously shared a very close history, attitude and proximity with us throughout life. They are a fairly rare phenomenon.
People change, and the basis of close friendships fade as commonality does.

A teacher once tried to instil into us the difference between friends and acquaintances and how not to confuse them. Kids on social media seem to have some problems along those lines. But to be honest, it's a really slippery difference to define sometimes. Only in times of extremity are we in the position to get a definitive answer to that one.
I know I've had a few surprises through life from people's reactions and have had a few reality checks. I guess most of us have.
The best ones are when people you thought were just acquaintances turn out to be the better friends. Unfortunately the reverse happens a few times too. That's life.

Sometimes a magical kind of cameraderie can exist with a person we've met casually, hardly ever see, living in a different 'world,' that we don't keep in contact with or even think about, but feel an instant re-connection with on a chance meeting as though they've been there all along. What is that? Is it friendship? Kind of, perhaps more so than with those who are constantly in our lives.

Many friendships are more along the lines of allegiances than any real emotional or intellectual attachments I think.
 
I'm going to put on my Grammar Nazi hat for a moment ...

grammar-nazi.jpg

"Dispensable" means that something (or someone) is or has become unnecessary and can be gotten rid of.

"Disposable" means that something (or someone) is designed and created to be thrown away.

So it depends upon how you see them when you first become friends with them. A dispensable friend may at one time have been wonderful, but they no longer share the same interests. I think unless you were born a rock you are going to change during your life, so if you base your friendship criteria upon having the same interests then yes, friends can become dispensable.

BUT ...

If you see all friendships from the start as being something extra, a supplement, something you don't really plan on holding onto but can use for a while - like a Bic lighter - then your friends would be disposable.
 
I think it's the same whether it's friends or marriage partners. We should just appreciate them when they are with us, but always keep in mind that people are human, they have changes in needs, emotions, etc. None of us were put on this earth to please another particular person, if it turns out that you get along and spend your life with each other, then that is fantastic...but shouldn't be expected. So, if it's time for them to move on to other life experiences, it's their right and very natural and normal. If they stay with us, and that's what occurs naturally, then it is meant to be and we should be grateful.

Many friendships with coworkers, etc. fade away once one of the people no longer work at that company. Friendships with girlfriends, for example, may fade away when they become serious with someone and get married. I have a friend I used to work with, and although we just exchange birthday and Christmas cards, and give each other the occasional phone call, we rarely see each other...I still consider her a very dear friend.
 
SeaBreeze said:
I think it's the same whether it's friends or marriage partners. We should just appreciate them when they are with us, but always keep in mind that people are human, they have changes in needs, emotions, etc. None of us were put on this earth to please another particular person, if it turns out that you get along and spend your life with each other, then that is fantastic...but shouldn't be expected. So, if it's time for them to move on to other life experiences, it's their right and very natural and normal. If they stay with us, and that's what occurs naturally, then it is meant to be and we should be grateful.
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Beautifully said, but unfortunately I've known perhaps 2 people during my entire life that can actually pull that off. Emotions rule, and we seem to have some sort of view of entitlement - that our friends and our lovers have to last forever.

Maybe it's because we get too comfortable with each other - we don't like change. But change is inevitable, and only a fool thinks otherwise.

Like the bike messengers that navigate the city streets at full speed without brakes, I think relationships are sometimes best navigated the same way - intuitively, without planning and without effort, just "going with the flow".
 
TWHRider said:
There are many sayings about how lucky we are, if we have one true-stick-by-us-thru-thick-and-thin-friend in this life.

Unfortunately, I can't remember any of them:rolleyes:

Fortunately, while I am privileged to have a lot of frients, I am even more fortunate to have that one true friend; we have been friends for 38 years and counting.

In times past, we have fought and not spoken for weeks on end - to the amusement of everyone around us.

She tried to wreck the car while I was driving, one drunken night, but I AM a better driver than she could over power. I think we were non-speaking over that one for at least three months:distracted:

She picked me up, carried me and had to finish helping my son's father make our son's funeral arrangements because I couldn't. A few years later, when I moved to the West Coast, I picked her up as best I could when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I now live 800 miles away, we don't see each other but we still take time to call and pick the other one up - somehow knowing when that's needed without the other one saying anything.

We were life long riding buds, loading up the horses on a whim and heading for a weekend in the mountains, "camping" at either her grandparents camp or one of ours. Sometimes we took the kids sometimes they stayed with their dads.

Age and time has not changed our friendship, it's health and the miles between us that has changed.
Click to expand...

You are very lucky, TWH, I too have a very close friend........since 6th grade grammar school...we grew up, I married her brother, after a 20 year marriage we divorced, but she is still my best friend and travel buddy....hows that for 'true blue'?
 
I think that there are friends that pass through our lives and we share many wonderful times together. Then life, time or distance intervenes and we grow apart. We're happy when we see them or hear from them but it is not often. Our lives are traveling different paths. Then there are the friends that are like family, or maybe better than family, all you have to do is contact them and they will be there for you no matter and you are there for them. You are always connected. Each has its place in your life that is just the way it is. We should be grateful for both.
 
Everything has its season and that of course includes friendships. But every friendship is a blessing no matter how long it lasts for.

When it comes to friendships, take my advice and remember the old adage - 'To have a friend you must be a friend' ...
If you follow that wisdom, then you will understand that wisdom.
 
I value friends. The more friends you have, the more people you can use.

PS: There is no truth in the rumour that I was in real estate, used cars or insurance.

cary-winking-gif.gif
 
I am back. I didn't take my computer on my trip to a great niece's wedding in Greensburg, Pa.

I enjoy reading your take on friendships. I have one true friend who knows everything about me-the good the bad- the ugly. We have been friends for 50 yrs. We met when we were first yr teachers in Ft. Lauderdale, Fl.

I will be at her hse in Sunset Beach, Nc next week. She is having a eye operation and I will go to be with her. I don't know how long I will be. It doesn't matter. When I had surgery in March, she was here with me until. I recovered. I am so fortunate to have a true friend like her. It seems she senses when I need to talk to her and vice-versa.
I hope all of you that need a best friend have one.
 
I am a very simple person. My best friend has been my best friend for only 50 yrs. We didn't stay in constant contact when we were busy raising children and husbands- I didn't mistype that. After raising and divorcing, we began to travel together- car trips, cruises, and flying. Laughing about our trials and tribulations of our youth- 24 yr olds living
in Ft. Lauderdale. What fun we had! On our own for the first time in our lives. We both went to colleges close to home. She knows all my secrets and I believe I know all of hers. That is not important though. She is there when
I need her and I am there when she needs me. I will be helping her as she goes through her eye operation next week.
 
Best friends- I will be at the beach taking care of my best friend this coming week. We have been friends for 50yrs.
I met her when we began teaching together and became roommates in Ft. Lauderdale in the 60s. It is impossible for
me to say what fun we had. As we grew up & began raising husbands and children we didn't stay in contact, but as our husbands and children grew up, we reconnected again. She and I are free to travel and do whatever we need to do.
So next week, she has a necessary surgery and I will be there to do whatever needs to be done.
 
I was one of the "dispensibles" .....dumped by my best friend of 25 years.

I moved and made two new friends and we three seem to have that kind of chuminess that others envy. We just cliqued.

Now friend #1 has sent out feelers to renew the friendship.....hmmmmm
 
This is no longer a "best friend". I know you now realize she is just an acquaintance. I have only one really true friend. She knows everything and I know everything about her. She accepts my faults, which are many, but I am working on it. Feel free to let me know if you need moral support. I am here for you thru this forum.
 
I don't need friends with whom I would share my deepest thoughts. I have plenty of friendly acquaintances, and that suits me just fine.
 

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