Do "Nice" people get more medical problems than "mean" people?

Remy said:
I don't consider myself to be nice. My mother was mentally ill. She scream raged like you wouldn't believe. Abused. Threatened. There was always something wrong with her. She'd scream "I'm not well" at me as a child. Well yeah, I've now figured that out but exactly what the f. was wrong with you? "I'll be dead by morning." She told me, I was a child. She lived to almost 90. Beaten down stepfather is 94. I don't expect to live as long as either of them.

She also lied about having a heart attack for attention. She never had one. Old age and kidney failure got her.

I wish I'd never heard of ACE scores and what childhood abuse does to the body and mind.
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You and I had matching mentally ill mothers, My mother was more of a crier than a screamer. She thrived on high anxiety and getting attention by being chronically sick for 84 years. As children, my 3 older sisters and I were born into the position of mothering her, along with her entire family who all rooted for her, felt sorry for her, made excuses for her, and blamed everyone but her. She was in denial of her mental illness. She was also stubborn and refused to take responsibility for anything.

In some ways, I don't see myself as a nice person. I finally learned how to say no but I feel cruel when I say it. The family curse continues--one of my sisters is a clone of my mother. Even though I'm now a pro at saying no to her, she's a born bully, and maintaining boundaries is hard work. I owe my strength and tenacity to my messed-up family :)

I had not heard of ACE scores until you mentioned it. I scored a 6.
 

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barbarak333 said:
You and I had matching mentally ill mothers, My mother was more of a crier than a screamer. She thrived on high anxiety and getting attention by being chronically sick for 84 years. As children, my 3 older sisters and I were born into the position of mothering her, along with her entire family who all rooted for her, felt sorry for her, made excuses for her, and blamed everyone but her. She was in denial of her mental illness. She was also stubborn and refused to take responsibility for anything.

In some ways, I don't see myself as a nice person. I finally learned how to say no but I feel cruel when I say it. The family curse continues--one of my sisters is a clone of my mother. Even though I'm now a pro at saying no to her, she's a born bully, and maintaining boundaries is hard work. I owe my strength and tenacity to my messed-up family :)

I had not heard of ACE scores until you mentioned it. I scored a 6.
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I'm really sorry. There are a number of members here who grew up in abusive households. I never heard of the term "parentification" until a few years ago. When the child is the in the parent position. My mother was a borderline and there is a saying about them: 'the only child in the relationship is them.'

Sounds like she had plenty of enablers who are infuriating on their own. My stepfather was a grand enabler. Years later he's ruminating how he ruined his life with her. Not my fault. I was 6 when you married the nightmare buddy. One of my brothers is likely a personality disorder and the oldest is just an unkind jerk I haven't spoken to in years.
 
Remy said:
I'm really sorry. There are a number of members here who grew up in abusive households. I never heard of the term "parentification" until a few years ago. When the child is the in the parent position. My mother was a borderline and there is a saying about them: 'the only child in the relationship is them.'

Sounds like she had plenty of enablers who are infuriating on their own. My stepfather was a grand enabler. Years later he's ruminating how he ruined his life with her. Not my fault. I was 6 when you married the nightmare buddy. One of my brothers is likely a personality disorder and the oldest is just an unkind jerk I haven't spoken to in years.
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My psycho sister was one of my mother's enablers. The title fits her well. She still tries to shame me and my other two sisters for not being fully onboard with the Mommy Dearest show. Her line is "she was sick and she couldn't help it." Nothing we did was good enough for my mother or my sister.

When all is considered, I'm grateful and I count my blessings. My parents divorced when I was 15 and my mother cried incessantly until a new man walked into her life and helped keep her somewhat stable and tolerable. He was one more enabler to add to her team but he wasn't angry about it. He was the best thing that happened to our family. He gifted us with kindness, laughter and love--his 3 children, my mother's four, and all our children. We celebrated life in crazy wonderful ways for 20 years. He had a massive heart attack in 1995 at age 55 and died. I think my mother's neediness and chronic illness shortened his life. He was a fine example of "only the good die young."
 
gruntlabor said:
I was interested in this test so I took it. Thought I'd score a zero but instead I scored a three.
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would anyone who knows me here , be surprised that I scored 10...I never heard of this test it was an 'easy'' 10.. I probably scored 100 if there had been that much to score....

What benefit is this test, I'm confused can anyone tell me.?
 
It may seem like the mean folks don’t suffer as often; most likely it’s that we don’t care as much about them. If it’s a nice person, we really care.
 
hollydolly said:
would anyone who knows me here , be surprised that I scored 10...I never heard of this test it was an 'easy'' 10.. I probably scored 100 if there had been that much to score....

What benefit is this test, I'm confused can anyone tell me.?
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Google "ACE test interpretation" Child abuse results in health issues for life. No surprise there.
On a positive note . . .
"As experts can attest, someone may have a high ACE score, but be healthy and successful, and mentally well.

ACE score meaning has to take the positives into account as well. These are aspects of childhood experiences that help to foster resilience.

For example, if you had a teacher, older family member, or someone close to you who helped you to feel valuable, protected, and worthy, this factor can help cushion you against harm."
 
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barbarak333 said:
Google "ACE test interpretation" Child abuse results in health issues for life. No surprise there.
On a positive note . . .
"As experts can attest, someone may have a high ACE score, but be healthy and successful, and mentally well.

ACE score meaning has to take the positives into account as well. These are aspects of childhood experiences that help to foster resilience.

For example, if you had a teacher, older family member, or someone close to you who helped you to feel valuable, protected, and worthy, this factor can help cushion you against harm."
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None of which I had.....


Well maybe it explains all the health issues I've had throughout my adult life...:unsure:
 
Remy said:
I don't see where it does really. All I know is I didn't have any of that help they speak of and you didn't either. A 1 or 3 score isn't good IMO.
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exactly right...no help from anyone... I always think when it comes to outsiders even when you're a kid.. if people see your parents don't care then they don't either.. that's been my experience...

i did have an aunt and my paternal grandmother.. who cared more about me than my parents... for example when I was in hospital as a child as I was often because my mother had Münchhausen by proxy.. so the moment I complained about a twinge I was bundled into the doctor.. no doubt symptoms were exaggerated and I would be in hospital the same day.. 3 times in one year at one point.. but my aunt was the only one who visited me... I was just 7 years old...she brought me chocolate and hid it under my pillow so the nurses wouldn't see... but she had to deal with my mother and she didn't like it.. so it stopped..

I went to live with my granny from the age of 4 to 6... leaving my then 2 siblings at home.. I have no idea to this day why I was sent there... a complete different city, different accents etc ... and I have no recall of my parents coming to visit..

My granny wasn't Granny wonderful either , she used to beat me with a stick. However even at 4 I was so used to being beaten at home, I didn't think anything of it.. it wasn't until I was 15, and my mum had come with me to visit my granny.. she never went normally, and just as a casual talk, I pointed out the stick which my granny kept behind the kitchen door, and told my mum, that my granny used it to hit me..

there was absolute hell to pay, my mother stormed into my grannys; L/room and confronted her, and my granny denied it , instead put the blame on my deceased grandfather.. .. and I was shocked to the core, I never expected to cause any problems, I had just mentioned it in casual conversation.. .. because I thought it was something everybody had done to them I was totally taken aback that 1, anyone would stand up for me.. and 2, that my mother just a very short time before beat the crap outta me with a broomstick handle....


so my point being that really there was no-one even when I was small that could stand up for me..or show me some affection... never ever remember being hugged for example... No pity party... just fact...
 
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hollydolly said:
None of which I had.....


Well maybe it explains all the health issues I've had throughout my adult life...:unsure:
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I'm sorry that you had no one to protect you. I had a sister who was my everything . . . best friend, teacher, spirit guide, defender, you name it, she was it. She passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in her bed in 2020 at age 66. Her husband thought she was having a bad dream and then she was gone.
 
I think you may be on to something about mean people not giving a damn, therefore not holding on to stress. Stress can be a surprising factor in some illnesses one wouldn't normally associate with stress. I wonder if there's been a study done about this. :unsure:

I don't know @Remy. You seem like a nice person to me. :)
 
hollydolly said:
..just to add further I was always being put into foster care as well under the age of 14..... I presume because my mother was always ill.. but it has to be a presumption because I was never told...
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I hope you were treated well there. I've mentioned before I stayed with some family because my mother knew the woman. My mother was ill. I found out years later she had TB. They treated me very well. Had a daughter a couple years older than me. The older brothers didn't seem to like me, or their sister and we were not allowed in their room.

But I remember the car being loaded up and spending the day at the beach. Things we never did after my mother married my stepfather.

You had toxic family all around.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I got 10 out of 10 on the ACE questionnaire
And 3 out of 10 in the resilience
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I'm so sorry. As I said, I sometimes wish I never heard of the ACE score. But in some ways it's validating. I score 7. No substance abuse or incarceration in that so called family of mine.

I've posted the Dr. Nadine Burke Harris video here before. What I found most interesting about it is how she explained abuse elicits the fight or flight response. Something the body should rarely if ever experience. But as she said, some kids get this response over and over. Not good.
 

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