Do you ever think you could have been a better parent to your children?

Ruth n Jersey

Ruth n Jersey

Well-known Member
Location
Northern New Jersey
I have 2 wonderful,married children who lead good lives. I am close to both of them. My problem is their relationship to each other. Never speak during the year, and at holiday time they just tolerate each other. They have different personalities, one is very laid back and quiet. The other, more out spoken and opinionated. Unfortunately,while they were growing up, the strong willed one knew just how to push my buttons, and me not having any patience, would ask the other one to do what needed to be done and pull up the slack.. In other words, the squeaky wheel got the grease. I think this caused animosity between them well into their adulthood. I treated them equally in every other way.They knew I loved them both. This was my fault, and I have even told them so, and to blame me and not each other.I think it is so deep rooted they can't get passed it. They constantly pick at each other even over the smallest thing. I wish I had been more strict . Always giving in made the situation worse and spoiled the one even more so. The strong willed one has given me 2 Grand kids and is a better parent than I ever was. I so wish I could do it over and make them understand how precious having a sibling is. I always feel so torn. I can't make them love each other but at least respect each other.
 

Breaking it down...
The eldest was a clone of me, same hair and same skin tone...a whiter shade of pale,
Daughter II a Scorpio, same mami but olive skin dark hair and attitude...far as you could see it.
Middle girl in her sister's shadow, tell me how that turns out for ya'll.
Younger boy and Jew-fro n' pale skin, personable and paranoid, poor boy.
The last a clone of her brother, but intellectually 6-8 years. Sucks to be me.
 
My sons are 40 and 42. They fought some when they were kids, the usual stuff. After they married and began having children, they enjoyed many years of being close. They got together at least once a week for family game night - them, their spouses, and kids playing various board games - spent holidays together, went to movies as a group.

Then the oldest son went to Iraq, and just over a year later, to Afghanistan. The experiences changed him. He became critical of his brother; Why did he have so many kids?! Why does he still work in retail? Why can't he save more money? etc.

They only see each other on some holidays and celebrations now, but very few. They never argue, however they both say they can't stand each other. It breaks my heart, but I don't interfere. I did talk to each of them, then had to leave it be. I hope they will become close again someday.
 

My two boys live in different states and haven't seen each other in years. They are 42 and 44. I was 19 when the first was born and yes I could have been a better mother since I was far too young and so was their father.

My oldest joined the army right out of high school. He went to Iraq twice.
 
When my son moved out almost 5 years ago,my daughter had a hard time,we all did but he was her partner in crime.she missed him terribly.
It was the worst for me to see her cry.

My son though always made the effort to call her and visit all the time and after all this time they seek each other out.they have their moments,the young one can be a little shit but I don't get involved or take sides.they sort it out and I hope they are always close.

I don't know what else I coulld have done different,one does the best they knoww how to at the time.
 
Ruth n Jersey said:
I have 2 wonderful,married children who lead good lives. I am close to both of them. My problem is their relationship to each other. Never speak during the year, and at holiday time they just tolerate each other. They have different personalities, one is very laid back and quiet. The other, more out spoken and opinionated. Unfortunately,while they were growing up, the strong willed one knew just how to push my buttons, and me not having any patience, would ask the other one to do what needed to be done and pull up the slack.. In other words, the squeaky wheel got the grease. I think this caused animosity between them well into their adulthood. I treated them equally in every other way.They knew I loved them both. This was my fault, and I have even told them so, and to blame me and not each other.I think it is so deep rooted they can't get passed it. They constantly pick at each other even over the smallest thing. I wish I had been more strict . Always giving in made the situation worse and spoiled the one even more so. The strong willed one has given me 2 Grand kids and is a better parent than I ever was. I so wish I could do it over and make them understand how precious having a sibling is. I always feel so torn. I can't make them love each other but at least respect each other.
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I've done a million things wrong with my kids. Let me pull out the regret list....oh wait ..I can't find the end of the list it's so long. The good news is you are still alive and they are still alive. I suggest getting a pen and paper and write down the very best advice you can give them to perhaps make them understand the importance of it to you and your hopes for it also being important to them. Then mail it to them. After they have had a chance to read it give them a call and do your best. That's all you can do. If it was never your intention to harm your seemingly weaker child, then forgive yourself. If you apologized for mistakes made on your part then forgive yourself because there aren't any do overs and we all make mistakes in different ways. At some point the seemingly weaker child could have chosen to take up for herself.
I had 2 older sisters. One was very protective of me and the other extremely dominant and jealous of me. We had no parental influence over these kinds of issues because our father was usually not there ( military) and the step mom really didn't give a flip she didn't like any of us LOL. So.. the one older dominant sister dominated the heck out of me and bossed me around until I was around twelve. I was twelve the first time I stood up to her. She slapped me. I totally kicked her butt much to my own surprise and hers. Years later at a very large Thanksgiving with all the nieces and nephews around. My niece asked " So which one of you is one that no one should mess with." Both of my sisters grinned and pointed at me. My niece was stunned she said "Oh my gosh. She's so sweet and little. That's crazy! All you ever had to do was bonk her on her little head!Even you Aunt X ? You were military!" My sister said " Well why don't you go over and bonk her on her little head and see what happens to you?" Then my sisters laughed. Yeah my family had aggression issues for sure. My point being that at some point a child will either stand up and fight or they won't.
I would like to add that if the 'stronger' one is narcissistic or toxic you may as the mother love that child too much to notice the traits. IF that be the situation then one really cant blame the 'weaker' one for distancing herself. If the 'stronger' one continues to bully her sibling ( sometimes people never do break these set patterns in relationships) then I wouldn't really blame the 'weaker' one for being distant to avoid toxic behavior...IF that's the case.
 

hi Ruth n Jersey,
i too have some regrets about parenting my two boys. I wasn't nearly as maternal as I expected to be--as I was with my grandbabies. My parents were super strict. Five minutes late equaled being grounded. I vowed not to be like that and may have gone too far the other way, and not expected enough of them. I think there are days when we all wish for a redo!

suze
 
Phoenix, I think you're right. I think it's part of the 50's family sitcoms syndrome. They sure did make it look easy didn't they? I know that in my early twenties, when I had my kids, I thought that the unconditional love I would get from my kids would fill me up, and make me into a whole person. It took me a lot of years to get that straight in my mind. I guess there's some guilt attached to that...

suze
 
Yes, the happily-ever-after stuff on it all being so fulfilling in the 50s sitcoms were misleading. I watched how it was for my older sister, sister-in-law and my aunts. I realized they were harried a lot. I chose not to do the kid thing. I realize I missed some things, but for me it was the right choice. It takes a while to realize that to be whole we have to do that for ourselves, that no one else, not even a loving spouse or sweetheart can do it for us. It's called growing up. Let the guilt go if you can. It's counterproductive to your well-being. :)
 
Thanks Phoenix,
i know that guilt is a very negative thing that doesn't do us any good, but I guess it's something that I've felt at several times in my life, and it certainly hasn't improved any situation. I'm striving to live in the present and that discourages dwelling on past incidents where most of the guilt lives.

suze
 
suze said:
Thanks Phoenix,
i know that guilt is a very negative thing that doesn't do us any good, but I guess it's something that I've felt at several times in my life, and it certainly hasn't improved any situation. I'm striving to live in the present and that discourages dwelling on past incidents where most of the guilt lives.

suze
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Me too. I'm working on living in the moment and letting go of the mistakes. It can be difficult.
 
I brought myself up, so parenting was an interesting experience. Could I have done better? Of course, but I raised my son with unconditional love and support, taught him a sense of morality, to be comfortable in his own skin, to love Mother Earth and all who inhabit it. I think I was a "good enough" mother. He is self confident, and far more emotionally healthy than I will ever be.
 
Shalimar said:
I brought myself up, so parenting was an interesting experience. Could I have done better? Of course, but I raised my son with unconditional love and support, taught him a sense of morality, to be comfortable in his own skin, to love Mother Earth and all who inhabit it. I think I was a "good enough" mother. He is self confident, and far more emotionally healthy than I will ever be.
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From what I've learned about you, I'm sure you were/are a good mom.
 
I think as many mothers must think, we all feel we could have done parenting differently and wish we could have given our children the perfect lives and have them all turn out perfect... for whatever "perfect" might mean.
But each kid comes with it's own uniqueness, age, birth order, peers, personalities etc. And each of these is compounded by each and every situation our kids land in.
Do I ever think I could have done better, honestly no. Given what life dealt me I did the best I could with my girls. Do I ever wish better for them of course I do, I wish life was easier for them but it just wasn't the pony ride of the dream world.
I taught my girls right from wrong, compassion, strength, open mindedness, and love of self. Both grew up in very different situations, oldest had both parents in her life until she was 17. Youngest only until she was 13. When the big divorce came, the oldest suffered the most and left home shortly there after. She travelled an extremely rocky path, but in the end after over a decade of "experience" I have to say she has turned into an amazing, strong and beautiful woman. She is a fantastic mother and step mother, and she has wonderful children and is due to marry her current and most awesome man next year. Youngest had to learn early to go out and get a job to get what extra's she may want in life because I could not pay for a lot as a single mother. She still lives with me, and is due to marry her intended this summer. She has put herself through school and is very successful. Sadly this recession has forced her and her man to remain living with us as this recession has robbed him of his livelihood. But they are survivors and as family we are all helping each other.
My daughters have a mutual respect for each other, they are both very opinionated and on quite opposite ends of many spectrums. But in the end I know they have a deep love for each other.
No regrets honestly
 
I grew up in the streets of a large city, primarily raised my self. I got into trouble, went to schools for bad boys; but I survived. Never intended to have children, but stuff happens. I promised my children would never live as I did growing up, and they didn't. I brought my children up to respect other's and with the knowledge, you and only you; can you ever truly depend. My children are in their late 30's with families of their own and very successful. Could I have done better, I would be remiss to say I could not have done some things better. The one thing though, I am positive my children will never give up on themselves and/ or their families; for this I take pride. Eight months ago I suffered 2 congestive heart failures, in a span of 3 months, I lost my hearing in my right ear and was left with vertigo. All from a virus contracted whilst on vacation. 3 weeks ago I started some light running and weight lifting, with prospects of returning to work as soon as I have a procedure performed on my right ear and a hearing device is installed. I expect no less from my children. If this sounds bad, I do not apologize, for one should love their children enough to prepare them for life as best they can, and I can , at least, but lead by example.
 
Thanks Fishfulthinking,
My life with my kids was similar to yours. Some time married, some time a single parent.
As I read your answer I thought of my favorite poets famous quote: "I did what I knew how to do. Now that I know better I do better." Dr. Maya Angelou.

Suze
 
I have 6 kids ranging from 30 to 40 years old. They all have their own personalities however they are still pretty close. They all still hang out at holidays and most of them visit with each other on a weekly basis. 2 of my kids moved away from the family area however are still in contact. There lives just took them in different directions.

I think back on how I managed raising 6 kids and sure I could have done a much better job. they got raised old school, do your chores and do not back talk or else. For the most part everyone did there stuff and when they did not I was there to put them back on the path.

I cherish the moments we have now together as a family, it is actually rare to get all of us in one spot at one time but it happens every so often and when it does it is a grand time. Now I get to watch them deal with their kids and I sit back and snicker.

I look at things like this, "I did the best job at the time with what I had to work with."

With that said, I wish I would have read them more bedtime stories.
 


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