Always nice to hear stories about high school sweethearts who stay together. I'm sorry that you lost your husband.
Do you get jealous?
- Thread starter Ronni
- Start date
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
@Ronni, like you, I'm a tactile person. I grew up surrounded by a warm, tactile extended Italian family. I don't think an aunt, uncle, older cousin or grandparent ever spoke to me without gently touching my shoulder, back, hair, cheek, or arm. It felt loving and natural.
Truth is, I barely even notice that I sometimes touch people (mostly on the shoulder or arm) when speaking with them. It's my way. People don't seem to get the wrong impression, perhaps because folks like us aren't particularly rare.
I'm guessing Ron comes from a more reserved family and therefore misinterprets your casual gestures.
Kudos to you both for sorting it out in therapy. That's the true sign of a healthy couple.
Truth is, I barely even notice that I sometimes touch people (mostly on the shoulder or arm) when speaking with them. It's my way. People don't seem to get the wrong impression, perhaps because folks like us aren't particularly rare.
I'm guessing Ron comes from a more reserved family and therefore misinterprets your casual gestures.
Kudos to you both for sorting it out in therapy. That's the true sign of a healthy couple.
Big difference between touching family members & touching strangers.@Ronni, like you, I'm a tactile person. I grew up surrounded by a warm, tactile extended Italian family. I don't think an aunt, uncle, older cousin or grandparent ever spoke to me without gently touching my shoulder, back, hair, cheek, or arm. It felt loving and natural.
Truth is, I barely even notice that I sometimes touch people (mostly on the shoulder or arm) when speaking with them. It's my way. People don't seem to get the wrong impression, perhaps because folks like us aren't particularly rare.
I'm guessing Ron comes from a more reserved family and therefore misinterprets your casual gestures.
Kudos to you both for sorting it out in therapy. That's the true sign of a healthy couple.
And, in a healthy marriage, one doesn't do things that annoy or hurt their spouse, whether or not it's innocent.
It's called "Considering their spouse's feelings."
Shalimar
SF VIP
- Location
- Vancouver Island Canada
I have been thinking about this quite a bit. I know my fiancé would be accepting of me being tactile with male family, others, no. It would seem flirtatious, and his feelings would be hurt. I would respect that, and refrain.
^^^^^ Bingo!
feywon
Well-known Member
- Location
- Rural North Central NM
Nope!
First hubby and i were separated for 2+ yrs. During that time he was involved with 2 women. i had acted as a single woman and expected that he would act like a single man. He was an extremely jealous person. We were separated again when he was killed by the jealous ex of one of two women he was seeing. Ironic considering despite being raised Hindu he didn't believe in karma.
One of the women lived in same town, Santa Fe, where he'd been living when we reconciled. i first met her via phone soon after i arrived. She was obviously distressed by my presence, tho she said nothing direct about their involvement and actually was calling with location of a poetry group gathering. We went, the way she looked at him and things she said clearly intended to stir up problems were irritating him (not that it took much).
During a break i took her aside and explained how i felt: What happened during separation none of my business, but her getting him in bad mood when i would be going home with him and have to deal with it, certainly was, and i would not tolerate it. i have been told by many that despite my small size, i can 'project big' and be intimidating. Her behavior changed, and we were civil with each other tho she still occasionally made digs at him--i'd give her stern look and she'd stop. An older male poet that we often shared meals with supported my view that when Dean showed her remarks distressed him it just encouraged the behavior--like a child that settles for negative attention if their good behavior doesn't get them enough acknowledgement.
The other woman he'd met in NYC and followed to NM. 10 yrs his senior, 5 yrs older than me., a poet & editor, who had moved to Israel some months before we reconciled. He did not level with me about their relationship, even tho i saw letters arrive from her and we'd visited her house/property in a small town further north. There i saw a bed frame he'd built which i really liked and we brought it back to our place. Turned out he'd built it for her and hadn't informed her about that. Awkward but we agreed typical of him.
Come to find out he did not level with her either till i was heavily pregnant and he knew she was coming to Santa Fe. By time she arrived i'd given birth to our twin boys. She'd actually sent a present when they were born--that's how i knew he didn't wait till picked her up at airport tell her. Much to his discomfort, she and i got along quite well-- more than just civil and probably would been good friends tho not have advanced to being besties even had we met some other way. We corresponded over the years off & on particularly after his death.
We lost touch for a couple of years then found each other on FB, communicated there and via email for several years till she died a few months ago. The best part of this story--her first name in Hebrew translates to my first name, Hadassah/Esther.
First hubby and i were separated for 2+ yrs. During that time he was involved with 2 women. i had acted as a single woman and expected that he would act like a single man. He was an extremely jealous person. We were separated again when he was killed by the jealous ex of one of two women he was seeing. Ironic considering despite being raised Hindu he didn't believe in karma.
One of the women lived in same town, Santa Fe, where he'd been living when we reconciled. i first met her via phone soon after i arrived. She was obviously distressed by my presence, tho she said nothing direct about their involvement and actually was calling with location of a poetry group gathering. We went, the way she looked at him and things she said clearly intended to stir up problems were irritating him (not that it took much).
During a break i took her aside and explained how i felt: What happened during separation none of my business, but her getting him in bad mood when i would be going home with him and have to deal with it, certainly was, and i would not tolerate it. i have been told by many that despite my small size, i can 'project big' and be intimidating. Her behavior changed, and we were civil with each other tho she still occasionally made digs at him--i'd give her stern look and she'd stop. An older male poet that we often shared meals with supported my view that when Dean showed her remarks distressed him it just encouraged the behavior--like a child that settles for negative attention if their good behavior doesn't get them enough acknowledgement.
The other woman he'd met in NYC and followed to NM. 10 yrs his senior, 5 yrs older than me., a poet & editor, who had moved to Israel some months before we reconciled. He did not level with me about their relationship, even tho i saw letters arrive from her and we'd visited her house/property in a small town further north. There i saw a bed frame he'd built which i really liked and we brought it back to our place. Turned out he'd built it for her and hadn't informed her about that. Awkward but we agreed typical of him.
Come to find out he did not level with her either till i was heavily pregnant and he knew she was coming to Santa Fe. By time she arrived i'd given birth to our twin boys. She'd actually sent a present when they were born--that's how i knew he didn't wait till picked her up at airport tell her. Much to his discomfort, she and i got along quite well-- more than just civil and probably would been good friends tho not have advanced to being besties even had we met some other way. We corresponded over the years off & on particularly after his death.
We lost touch for a couple of years then found each other on FB, communicated there and via email for several years till she died a few months ago. The best part of this story--her first name in Hebrew translates to my first name, Hadassah/Esther.
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dobielvr
Well-known Member
- Location
- California
I feel for you. That's a lot to take from one person, plus the other women floating around.
Too many emotions , head trips and decisions to deal with. That would hurt my head. And, my feelings.
feywon
Well-known Member
- Location
- Rural North Central NM
Yes have mentioned on other posts. We were estranged at the time, each of us had custody of one of the boys. One witnessed in person the other thru twin telepathy. They were 3 1/2 yrs old. At first, my main concern was them, especially since it was just 15 days before Christmas.
It wasn't till i got death certificate in mail in early January that i confronted my own sense of loss. Tho i would not have reconciled with him again i still loved him deeply. Sometime is love is not enough.
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Ronni
Well-known Member
- Location
- Nashville TN
I appreciate your perspective @StarSong. It helps to know I’m not the only one who reaches out with unconscious physical gestures of affection, concern, empathy, enthusiasm etc.@Ronni, like you, I'm a tactile person. I grew up surrounded by a warm, tactile extended Italian family. I don't think an aunt, uncle, older cousin or grandparent ever spoke to me without gently touching my shoulder, back, hair, cheek, or arm. It felt loving and natural.
Truth is, I barely even notice that I sometimes touch people (mostly on the shoulder or arm) when speaking with them. It's my way. People don't seem to get the wrong impression, perhaps because folks like us aren't particularly rare.
I'm guessing Ron comes from a more reserved family and therefore misinterprets your casual gestures.
Kudos to you both for sorting it out in therapy. That's the true sign of a healthy couple.
Our therapist is lovely, and has helped Ron uncover some earlier relationship trauma that has resulted in what he acknowledges is an overreaction. And has also helped me realize that my strong, negative response to his reaction is the result of my own fierce determination that I will never again become a victim, never again be controlled or allow another person dominion over me.
It’s an interesting mix of baggage that’s for sure!
Lots of emotion that’s sometimes difficult to wade through. But we’re committed to coming out the other side of this stronger and closer, and so we’re digging deep!!
Ronni
Well-known Member
- Location
- Nashville TN
I do get that @Shalimar, and objectively I even agree! But where that breaks down for me is that my gestures are largely unconscious, I don’t discriminate between male/female, or young/old. I am responding to or conversing with people, period.
And as I’ve said, my gestures are unconscious, I don’t give them thought or conscious choice, and so to HAVE to do that would be like someone HAVING to become aware of … ugh, I don’t know….when they raise their eyebrows or blink or wrinkle their nose or some such. it’s introverting and makes for such a high level of self-consciousness that any spontaneity or animation in conversation is totally lost. I know that because I’ve tried it!
It’s very uncomfortable for me, and awkward, and just feels like I’m engaging in some kind ofpretense because it’s just not who I am.
And then of course, the moment I drop
My guard I forget, and then quietly panic trying to review my actions to see if I’ve done something/touched someone and who was I talking to and were they male or female and and and ….. It’s exhausting and uncomfortable.
For the moment My temporary solution is to just not go any place where there are other people, so no going out to eat, no bike rides to our favorite biker bar, no socializing with friends even at home for the most part . That isn’t sustainable for the long term, but while we’re digging into this via the therapy, it’s the best short term solution.