Do you try to instil ambition into your children?

IMO by the time you begin to notice unpleasant traits in your children, it's already too late.

When I was very young my grandmother was constantly with us and allowed us to participate in all sorts of activities that were too difficult or too dangerous or too something. At the time it was just part of being a family and helping with daily activities. We didn't develop an idea or understanding of ambition, work, or responsibility until much later and by then the die had been cast.

“Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.” - Aristotle
 

I did did push mine just a bit, but not much. By and large, they successfully "launched" all on their own into careers that they enjoy.

My son spent most of his childhood living with his mother who did not value education very much. One result of that is that my son believed that he was incapable of academic work. When he came to live with me in Hawaii after graduating from High School, I did push him into taking night courses at University of Hawaii, where he quickly discovered that he was not stupid like he had been allowed to believe. When he expressed an interest in joining the Navy, I made him study for the Armed Forces Entrance Exam as I did not want him just taking any old job. We studied for six weeks before he took the exam, and he was eligible for every trade in the Navy except Nuclear. Frankly, I was startled by what he did not learn in High School. Our next step was to steer him toward a Navy specialty that was consistent with his outgoing personality. He wound up with a Technical Job riding helicopters in a small team environment. He also became a rescue swimmer and went into the water more than once to retrieve people. He would not have enjoyed the same job that I had. Hovering over a piece of electronic equipment with test probes would not have been his thing at all. He loves interacting with people and is quite good with them.

I was still on active duty and performed the enlistment ceremony on the USS Arizona in Pearl Harbor. He enjoyed his time in the Navy but chose to get out and become a teacher instead of staying in. I was still on active duty and offered to fly to his duty station to reenlist him, but his new wife had more influence than I did. I have come to believe that she was right. He is now a teacher/coach in the same HS that he graduated from and was coach of the year in his county a few years ago. He now has a Master's in Sports Management.

My daughter got great grades in school. While she was in college, I did have a serious discussion with her about studying with an eye toward earning a living. The result of this was to get her to merge her fondness for art with engineering and getting a degree in Industrial Design. This added an additional year of study, but resulted in a great career for her It still gives her an opportunity to be a bit of an artist. She worked her way up to becoming a Senior Vice President for the third largest watch company in the world. She spent eight years living in Hong Kong and managing a production facility there along with another in mainland China. She now has her own company.

Overall, I did not push them very much. A key reason is that I had realized that we have to be very careful how we define SUCCESS as it is far more encompassing than mere dollars. Satisfaction with your work, family stability and so many other thing come into play.
 

Phoenix said:
I am so very sorry for you loss. Mental illness is such an enigma. There is no one sure way that works to deal with it. Are you okay? Is there any way I can be of comfort? I'm willing to listen.
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I've talked myself out on the subject. I have gotten over most of it, she was sick and died from her illness. It is sometimes how things happen. There is really no comfort in loss, we just move on.
 
Judycat said:
I've talked myself out on the subject. I have gotten over most of it, she was sick and died from her illness. It is sometimes how things happen. There is really no comfort in loss, we just move on.
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Yes, we move on. I've had losses where if felt like someone literally ripped my heart out and all that remained where veins and arteries and someone poured acid in the hole. For me writing books is my therapy. It helps me.
 
Pecos said:
I did did push mine just a bit, but not much. By and large, they successfully "launched" all on their own into careers that they enjoy.

My son spent most of his childhood living with his mother who did not value education very much. One result of that is that my son believed that he was incapable of academic work. When he came to live with me in Hawaii after graduating from High School, I did push him into taking night courses at University of Hawaii, where he quickly discovered that he was not stupid like he had been allowed to believe. When he expressed an interest in joining the Navy, I made him study for the Armed Forces Entrance Exam as I did not want him just taking any old job. We studied for six weeks before he took the exam, and he was eligible for every trade in the Navy except Nuclear. Frankly, I was startled by what he did not learn in High School. Our next step was to steer him toward a Navy specialty that was consistent with his outgoing personality. He wound up with a Technical Job riding helicopters in a small team environment. He also became a rescue swimmer and went into the water more than once to retrieve people. He would not have enjoyed the same job that I had. Hovering over a piece of electronic equipment with test probes would not have been his thing at all. He loves interacting with people and is quite good with them.
I was still on active duty and performed the enlistment ceremony on the USS Arizona in Pearl Harbor. He enjoyed his time in the Navy but chose to get out and become a teacher instead of staying in. I was still on active duty and offered to fly to his duty station to reenlist him, but his new wife had more influence than I did. I have come to believe that she was right. He is now a teacher/coach in the same HS that he graduated from and was coach of the year in his county a few years ago. He now has a Master's in Sports Management.

My daughter got great grades in school. While she was in college, I did have a serious discussion with her about studying with an eye toward earning a living. The result of this was to get her to merge her fondness for art with engineering and getting a degree in Industrial Design. This added an additional year of study, but resulted in a great career for her It still gives her an opportunity to be a bit of an artist. She worked her way up to becoming a Senior Vice President for the third largest watch company in the world. She spent eight years living in Hong Kong and managing a production facility there along with another in mainland China. She now has her own company.

Overall, I did not push them very much. A key reason is that I had realized that we have to be very careful how we define SUCCESS as it is far more encompassing than mere dollars. Satisfaction with your work, family stability and so many other thing come into play.
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It was very encouraging to hear how well things turned out, but would you agree there is no way of "bottling" whatever it is leads to success, so far as the outcome of your parenting style? :unsure::coffee: .
Learning as you go along for the parent is intrinsic to the process, and luck plays a big part(?).
Even the strongest, most capable of mothers I've heard ran into some difficulties with their fully grown children, simply for the fact they were so competent and good, (super mums in fact), so the child when they go on to have their own children feel somehow inadequate as parents themselves. I heard of one such mother, shunned by one of her three daughters in exactly those circumstances I believe, and I did not doubt the mother when she said how good a mother she'd been. 👑🍾🔮.
 
grahamg said:
It was very encouraging to hear how well things turned out, but would you agree there is no way of "bottling" whatever it is leads to success, so far as the outcome of your parenting style? :unsure::coffee: .
Learning as you go along for the parent is intrinsic to the process, and luck plays a big part(?).
Even the strongest, most capable of mothers I've heard ran into some difficulties with their fully grown children, simply for the fact they were so competent and good, (super mums in fact), so the child when they go on to have their own children feel somehow inadequate as parents themselves. I heard of one such mother, shunned by one of her three daughters in exactly those circumstances I believe, and I did not doubt the mother when she said how good a mother she'd been. 👑🍾🔮.
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I agree that there is no way to bottle it, and luck does play a big part.
I have known parents who seemed to be perfect whose adult children did not do so well. I have no explanation because I have also seen a lot of lousy parents whose adult children turned out great. It just seems to be pretty unpredictable.
 
I never pushed my children to achieve or suggested what they do in life.

My daughter now has a work from home job and is raising her granddaughter. She has a college degree from the UofU. She put herself through college and paid her student loans off without our help.

Our son did not go to college, he has a good stable job, a wonderful significant other, children, and grandchildren. He lives life to the fullest. He hikes, hikes, and hikes over several states, and has seen many of Mother earth’s wonders.

My other two sons are adopted and disabled. It took me 2 years to teach my son, with DS, that if you put 2 quarters into a pop machine, you would receive a pop. For him, this was rocket science.

All four of my children became and are decent caring people. It’s all I ever asked for. Everything else is “dust in the wind.”
 
I think a lot of parents want to live vicariously through their children, to have them do things that they wish they themselves had done. If you raise your child to be a decent, caring, respectful person I think you have parented well. Sometimes we inadvertently make our children feel that they have disappointed us by not following the path in life that we think they should have followed.
 
My daughters are all grown now, due to my health, I wish I had been more available to them as their dad. Nowadays, our family is more together even though we are miles apart.
 
I'm saying this "tongue in cheek" now, (I hope everyone understands the meaning of that expression?), but aren't there any forum members out there prepared to say they were perhaps a complete nightmare as a dad or a mum sometimes, :unsure::whistle::rolleyes::sneaky::cry::censored:o_O?

I'm not accusing anyone of anything, and I'm sure we've all been perfectly honest on the thread, but just maybe, "just maybe", some of us might have been more than a bit moody, overly controlling, or "whatever", and did not quite meet up to the high standards we set ourselves all the time(?) (n):whistle::eek:.
 
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grahamg said:
I'm saying this "tongue in cheek" now, (I hope everyone understands the meaning of that expression?), but aren't there any forum members out there prepared to say they were perhaps a complete nightmare as a dad or a mum sometimes, :unsure::whistle::rolleyes::sneaky::cry::censored:o_O?

I'm not accusing anyone of anything, and I'm sure we've all been perfectly honest on the thread, but just maybe, "just maybe", some of us might have been more than a bit moody, overly controlling, or "whatever", and did quite meet up to the high standards we set ourselves all the time(?) (n):whistle::eek:.
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I will be interested in seeing if anyone claims to have "been perfect."
LOL, You won't catch me claiming that. I will claim to have been a reasonable decent human. ( and a bit lucky)
 
grahamg said:
I'm saying this "tongue in cheek" now, (I hope everyone understands the meaning of that expression?), but aren't there any forum members out there prepared to say they were perhaps a complete nightmare as a dad or a mum sometimes, :unsure::whistle::rolleyes::sneaky::cry::censored:o_O?

I'm not accusing anyone of anything, and I'm sure we've all been perfectly honest on the thread, but just maybe, "just maybe", some of us might have been more than a bit moody, overly controlling, or "whatever", and did quite meet up to the high standards we set ourselves all the time(?) (n):whistle::eek:.
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What kind of dirt are you looking for? I don’t think this the place for confession. No one’s perfect, I question your motive in this, perhaps you have something you would like to share?
 
grahamg said:
I'm saying this "tongue in cheek" now, (I hope everyone understands the meaning of that expression?), but aren't there any forum members out there prepared to say they were perhaps a complete nightmare as a dad or a mum sometimes, :unsure::whistle::rolleyes::sneaky::cry::censored:o_O?

I'm not accusing anyone of anything, and I'm sure we've all been perfectly honest on the thread, but just maybe, "just maybe", some of us might have been more than a bit moody, overly controlling, or "whatever", and did quite meet up to the high standards we set ourselves all the time(?) (n):whistle::eek:.
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Did I melt down sometimes with three children still in diapers? Sometimes. 😿 One would be climbing the entertainment center, another would be scrubbing the floor with dirty dog dish water, while the youngest would be wailing while trying to tell me what's wrong. Ever try to understand a sobbing kid who can hardly make words anyway. Standards, and a couple of cats, went out the window and Sergeant Cat came in.
 
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Mr. Ed said:
What kind of dirt are you looking for? I don’t think this the place for confession. No one’s perfect, I question your motive in this, perhaps you have something you would like to share?
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I think you've failed to understand the meaning of "tongue in cheek", there is nothing I was digging on anyone, (why would I?).
And while you're asking, "no, there are no skeletons in my closet thanks", my daughters just as lovely and successful as I've said she is, no matter what anyone like you might think I've done wrong(?).
Don't feel you need to tell me anything will you now! :rolleyes::oops::whistle: .
 
I was very lucky with my 2 children. They were both ambitious on their own. My daughter wanted to be a nurse from when she was a little girl,and she became a Pediatric Nurse as soon as she graduated from college.My son had many jobs growing up and he worked for a while when he was in College as an electrician and he is still in that field. Both of my Grandson's the oldest works in the Medical field and the younger boy is in his last year of college doing studying on Bio Medical Engineering . As far as my youngest granddaughter she is only 10yrs old and is interested in either performing or being a chef.
 
I remember reading the book, "My family and other animals" written by Gerald Durrell, (my brother having recommended it when we were both young teenagers, and he found it very amusing).

In the book, as I remember it, Gerald's mother took her family of four or five children off to Crete to bring them up, following the death of her husband. The relevance to this thread is the description of just how hopeless the children thought their mother was, and Gerald Durrell, and his brother, making endless humourous comments (the brother was another published author I think).

The Greek taxi driver who ferried the family around the island, and took them under his wing, was mortified these children should speak of their mother thus, as he worshipped her, but I'd guess everything said in the book was "tongue in cheek" too, (and she was a much lived mother).

I think I can fairly describe my own parents as having been "nightmares" at times, each in their own way, whilst at the same time being unbelievably steadfast. :)(y) .
 
I have often thought how terrible it would be if we all wanted to work in the same profession. What if everyone wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, pilot, etc. Where would we be as a society? Thankfully, people are passionate about some not-so-lofty endeavors. My late son in law wanted nothing more than to quit his job and start a landscaping company. Unfortunately, his job was a high paying career with a large corporation. He died of a massive heart attack at 46. I think the stress killed him.
My husband is a truck driver and in his previous occupation he and his brothers owned a painting and roofing company. After trying unsuccessfully for years to get him to go into a more "professional" field (all the brothers were college educated), I finally realized that he loves being outdoors and doing his own thing. Being a 9 to 5er in a suit and tie behind a desk would kill him.
Better to let our kids choose where they fit in the world.🙂
 
grahamg said:
I remember reading the book, "My family and other animals" written by Gerald Durrell, (my brother having recommended it when we were both young teenagers, and he found it very amusing).

In the book, as I remember it, Gerald's mother took her family of four or five children off to Crete to bring them up, following the death of her husband. The relevance to this thread is the description of just how hopeless the children thought their mother was, and Gerald Durrell, and his brother, making endless humourous comments (the brother was another published author I think).

The Greek taxi driver who ferried the family around the island, and took them under his wing, was mortified these children should speak of their mother thus, as he worshipped her, but I'd guess everything said in the book was "tongue in cheek" too, (and she was a much lived mother).

I think I can fairly describe my own parents as having been "nightmares" at times, each in their own way, whilst at the same time being unbelievably steadfast. :)(y) .
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"The Durrell 's of Corfu" on Amazon Prime and Acorn, I think. Enjoyable series.
 
Some "expert opinion" here:

"If your child is one of the less motivated, it can be a source of great worry and frustration and sometimes even despair—and that’s where the trouble can begin. The trouble in this case is your reaction to your child’s lack of motivation, not the lack of motivation itself. When you get nervous about him, you try to motivate him from the grip of your own anxiety, and forget that it’s just not possible to make someone care.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Does your worry compel you to nag, hover, push, cajole, or over-function for your child?
  • Does your frustration cause you to yell, scream, beg, punish, and throw your hands up in despair?
  • Does your helplessness cause you to start fighting with your spouse, who never seems to do as much as you think he or she should do to get your child motivated?
  • Does your fear about your child’s underachieving cause you to keep trying to get him to change and to be more motivated?
If you find yourself doing any of the above, you’ve probably seen your child resist, comply to get you off his back, rebel, or dig in his heels harder. Let me be clear: Whether he fights you or goes along with what you want, the end result is that he will be no more motivated than he was before. You might eventually get him to do what you want, but your goal of helping him be self-motivated is still a far away reality."

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/unmotivated-child-6-ways-get-child-going/
 
My parents didn't push us hard, but we turned out pretty well.

I never had to push my daughter. She was born knowing what she wanted and what it took to get it. She had her first job at 12 and was working pretty much full time from 16 on. She got a bachelor's degree, an NBA and a second masters degree while working full time. She has a job she likes making a s**t-load of money.

My granddaughter set her goal for the Olympics at an early age. Unfortunately, she never reached it but was ranked #1 in the nation in her early teens for her age group in her sport and graduated from a Division I college on a sports scholarship. She was the most self-disciplined and self-directed child I've ever seen.

My two greatgranddaughters? Time will tell, but they're pretty determined at 4 and 1.
 

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