Dodging invitations that cost you too much.

R

Rose65

Well-known Member
Location
United Kingdom
I think very carefully if I get an invitation to a wedding or party, in ways I never used to.
It can incur a lot of costs for guests. Recently a distant cousin I've barely seen invited us to his third wedding. He lives far enough that it would mean a hotel bill for us. Other costs are new outfits, the present, petrol - it adds up to not being at all worth it. So I've made my excuses.

Another time a peripheral friend, who we only see occasionally, was giving a big party for her 50th at a posh hotel, again it would have cost quite a bit including taxis. So we dodged it. There are even people who ask you to events and you must buy your own drinks. Others get married abroad and expect friends to fly there at their own expense. Still others who do stag or hen parties involving everyone paying all sorts of costs including staying overnight.

Am I churlish or practical? We are retired and live on a budget and cost of living is going up and up. So we just don't go unless it's close family or a very close friend.
 

Years ago if someone was invited to a wedding, there was an expectation that you would send a gift even if you couldn’t go. Not sure if that’s why some still send out invitations.

If you’re not close, there’s no reason to go Rose. Don’t even make up an excuse, just decline the invite.
 
I am the same... it costs too much now to attend weddings outside the family. New outfit... Hotel stay overnight, a new hairdo... and then the cost of the gift which gets ever more expensive. The last wedding I bowed out of, sent a list of holiday destinations that she wished to have paid.. to take her and her bridesmaids after she returned from her honeymoon... Mauritius, Seychelles, Dubai....

..and all for a piece of wedding cake... I don't think so... :eek:
 

Jules said:
Years ago if someone was invited to a wedding, there was an expectation that you would send a gift even if you couldn’t go. Not sure if that’s why some still send out invitations.

If you’re not close, there’s no reason to go Rose. Don’t even make up an excuse, just decline the invite.
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I wouldn't send a gift if not going, unless it was someone close and you had a good reason like illness for not going. I would send a card though.
 
hollydolly said:
I am the same... it costs too much now to attend weddings outside the family. New outfit... Hotel stay overnight, a new hairdo... and then the cost of the gift which gets ever more expensive. The last wedding I bowed out of, sent a list of holiday destinations that she wished to have paid.. to take her and her bridesmaids after she returned from her honeymoon... Mauritius, Seychelles, Dubai....

..and all for a piece of wedding cake... I don't think so... :eek:
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That's another thing, the often brazen way gifts and money are asked for these days. I wouldn't have dreamed of doing that for my wedding. Back then I just left it to the guests to decide.
 
Rose65 said:
I think very carefully if I get an invitation to a wedding or party, in ways I never used to.
It can incur a lot of costs for guests. Recently a distant cousin I've barely seen invited us to his third wedding. He lives far enough that it would mean a hotel bill for us. Other costs are new outfits, the present, petrol - it adds up to not being at all worth it. So I've made my excuses.
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I could be wrong, but in those cases, I think the relatives probably invite you because they think you'll feel slighted if they don't.

I got a wedding invitation (years ago) from a cousin who lived quite a ways away. We were really close when we were kids but hadn't seen or called each other in about a decade. He was surprised I went. I mean, he was really glad I showed up, but he didn't expect it at all.

Apparently he'd never heard of wedding announcements.

But I'm glad I went, too. I had a great time catching up and all that, so no big deal.
 
it would have to be one of my kids getting married for me to travel for the wedding. However, I don’t understand people saying they need a new outfit or to pay to get their hair done. I do my own hair and have a few nice dresses that I wear for weddings and funerals.
 
I have often declined to go to events that would be too expensive or just seem silly and expensive.

There was a family reunion in the Dallas area where a lot of the family lived. It is the responsibility of the family in that area to plan fun things to do. My SIL, who made over 200K a year decided that the family would enjoy going out to dinner at The French Room, very, very expensive back then.

Keep in mind that the majority of the family did not have that kind of salary. Many had already spent a lot of money on flights and hotels.

I thought this was ridiculous and I refused to participate in this event. I thought it rude and disrespectful to families that could not afford to spend that kind of money on dinner. I stayed home even though my husband chose to go, he was always in competition with his sister. He thought, well, I will just show her!! He took our son, who was probably 8 along. This is not a place for children.

The sister, carried on, ordered 4 seafood towers for apps as soon as she sat down. Of course, everyone had dinner of the finest foods offered. My husband came home. I asked him what was the damage? $600 for my husband and 8 year old son. Now, I ask you is that sensible, to expect people to spend that kind of money for one dinner. It was the sister ordering expensive foods and wines that were to be shared with all.

It would have been fine with me if she and other family members that were well off wanted to split the bill. No, they wanted each family to pay an equal amount of the bill. Let's just say this sister was never allowed to plan an outing for the whole family again.
 
Teacher Terry said:
Blessed, that’s a horrible story. Obviously your SIL didn’t care about other people.
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She still does not!! After my husband died we no longer have any contact not by my choice but hers. She decided his death from cancer was somehow my fault. Her mom died 8 days later after my husband. She was outraged that she made my husband her executor and her other brother the back up just in case. I knew my husband was her executor but did not know she made the other brother back up. She started calling me after her mothers death asking all sorts of questions about her mothers finances. I knew very little, I just knew my husband was listed on alll her accounts so he could pay her bills if she was out of town or sick. She was not happy that I could not tell her anything. Frankly, it was not my business and I had never been involved. When their Father passed I know he told my husband to take care of his Mom. They had everything set up to make sure he was in charge then.
 
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Blessed said:
I have often declined to go to events that would be too expensive or just seem silly and expensive.

There was a family reunion in the Dallas area where a lot of the family lived. It is the responsibility of the family in that area to plan fun things to do. My SIL, who made over 200K a year decided that the family would enjoy going out to dinner at The French Room, very, very expensive back then.

Keep in mind that the majority of the family did not have that kind of salary. Many had already spent a lot of money on flights and hotels.

I thought this was ridiculous and I refused to participate in this event. I thought it rude and disrespectful to families that could not afford to spend that kind of money on dinner. I stayed home even though my husband chose to go, he was always in competition with his sister. He thought, well, I will just show her!! He took our son, who was probably 8 along. This is not a place for children.

The sister, carried on, ordered 4 seafood towers for apps as soon as she sat down. Of course, everyone had dinner of the finest foods offered. My husband came home. I asked him what was the damage? $600 for my husband and 8 year old son. Now, I ask you is that sensible, to expect people to spend that kind of money for one dinner. It was the sister ordering expensive foods and wines that were to be shared with all.

It would have been fine with me if she and other family members that were well off wanted to split the bill. No, they wanted each family to pay an equal amount of the bill. Let's just say this sister was never allowed to plan an outing for the whole family again.
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That is appalling of the sister. I am speechless!
Your Sixth Sense warned you but if only your husband had listened.
 
I'm skipping 2 weddings this year (1 niece, 1 nephew - same side of family) planned 3 weeks apart in September both requiring air travel including the most obnoxious one to the tip of Cape Cod which is 2 days travel each way from my location. The mother of the bride was incensed that nephew planned his wedding knowing full well the other was already planned for a couple weeks later.

Don't they know it's archery elk season in September?
 
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I like weddings and think they’re a lot of fun. I rarely get in invite to any weeding anymore which I find sad. Mostly I think it’s because a lot of young people either don’t get married, or get married after they have been living together for years. Some already have a child. OTOH, a lot young folk don’t want a fancy wedding. Most seem more practical. They will spend the money on a great honeymoon trip to some distant land. Or save the money for a down payment on a house.

Most of friend’s kids have a small wedding with just family and a few of their close friends.
 
I dodged out of going to a relatives wedding this summer. Social events have always been difficult for me. Now that I’m older, it’s more so. Plus, and this is VERY significant, it’s a province away and I refuse to leave our dogs alone. They are family and I refuse to board them.
 
Rose65 said:
Am I churlish or practical? We are retired and live on a budget and cost of living is going up and up. So we just don't go unless it's close family or a very close friend.
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You are not churlish. Being practical is what responsible people are all about.

Cost of living has gone up. Talk about inflation being under control is laughable. For example touting inflation at 3% sounds good until factoring in the previous levels. Example an inflation rate of 8% then down to 5% then down to 3% actually equals 16%.
 
I've skipped a couple of destination weddings that I felt was asking too much of a guest.

Blessed dinner story above brought back a memory for me. I was a partner in a business and anytime we had out of town business visitors my partner insisted on taking them to a very high end local restaurant. Our business was profitable but on a smaller scale, yet my partner always felt the need to put on financial airs. It disgusted and upset me to run $3K thru the business for a dinner, heck sometimes the bar bill was $1K. Yes we could afford it but I never saw the value in it.
 
I used to go to lunch with a bunch of others including some management types whose culture was similar to that of the characters on the Mad Men TV show. IOW, anything that happens, incredibly important or absolutely trivial, is a reason to have a drink.

As a young guy with my first house I was counting my pennies. One day we all went to lunch for some reason I can’t even remember. Several of the big shots ordered expensive lunches like the steak sandwich, shrimp plates, cocktails, wine, even dessert, etc. I ordered the lunch special and drank water. When the final bill came they decided to divide it up equally. That was the last time I subsidized the drinking habits of people who made at least twice my salary. I wasn’t the only one upset with this abuse. Those of us caught holding the short sticks decided to do it ourselves. We found a Chinese-Cuban place (Not kidding!) that had a very tasty and bountiful lunch for less than $5, including tip and tax.
 
I need to understood the idea of the destination wedding. Weddings are supposed to be for the friends and family to celebrate the union of two people. Why throw a cost barrier up that keeps the friends and family away? If friends and family are not that important ask a clergy member or justice of the peace to marry you in a short ceremony.

Most are also not thought out well. One friend’s child wanted to be married in a National Park that is famous for selling out rooms and cabins 6 to 12 months in advance. The invites came out about about 5 months before the wedding. No rooms available Except outside the park with long driving distances and waiting lines to get into the NP.

Eventually the couple killed the idea when almost nobody could get a room. Interestingly, one couple did get a room due to a cancellation. They decided to use their precious reservation at the NP and skipped the wedding.
 
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One of my friends did not attend her son's wedding because he and his bride decided to get married in the Caribbean and she would have had to take a loan out to pay for the hotel, flights etc. It caused quite a family break-up because, apparently, the bride's family all attended but most of the groom's did not and he never forgave his mother and relatives for it but, the bride's family were well-off while his own family were not.

The only weddings I can recall not attending weren't because of the cost though, it was because I didn't know the person well enough to want to go. It's a strange thing (I think) when someone you work with but aren't close too, wants you to attend their wedding.
 
dobielvr said:
I got an invite to my niece's destination wedding in Cabo San Lucas. Of course I wouldn't be able to attend due to lack of finances. So no excuse was needed to dodge it. A present was sent though, a long with a congratulations. 🥳
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That is the perfect way to respond. "I regret I cannot attend (you don't even have to say why), but much love to you and your spouse. Please enjoy this gift"(and include a gift receipt if they want to exchange it).
 
Teacher Terry said:
it would have to be one of my kids getting married for me to travel for the wedding. However, I don’t understand people saying they need a new outfit or to pay to get their hair done. I do my own hair and have a few nice dresses that I wear for weddings and funerals.
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I have not had any fancy, dress-up clothes for many years because I didn't need them. That's why some people say they need a new outfit. For others, it's just an excuse to shop.
 

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