We're all shaped by our immediate families, our extended families and our various communities while we were growing up. I think we all pick up ideas about what we should be as children and then how we should be parents during those times. Most of us reach out for other ideas or just reassess our childhoods and think about what we'd like to do differently for our children if we choose to have them.
I'm in the camp that children do not need to thank their parents or be thankful for them. I also think that it's the parent's responsibility to be as good as they can be as parents as in most cases they've chosen to take on that role. Some people who choose to be parents find out they're not quite as good at is as they thought the would be or as they want to be. Others are surprised by how well they've done.
In some cases one's children turn out having negative traits or dispositions due to genetic conditions that they could not have affected. In other cases actions the parents have taken give their children negative traits.
My wife and I saw our children as future adults and we wanted to give them as many tools for being happy, healthy adults as possible. We did well in some areas and not well in others. Overall we're happy with the results and our children have chosen to thank is for some of the things we did. They've also let us know about things that they didn't appreciate.
I'm also of the mind that my children don't owe me anything as I age and recognize that it has been my responsibility to prepare myself and our finances for my later years. I'm reasonably happy that I've done a good enough job to avoid being a burden.
Of course there are all sorts of circumstances beyond people's control that causes them to fail in various areas. I only hope that the compassion I've tried to instill in my children comes out if such a fate befalls me and/or my wife. I also hope that those of you who find yourself in such states also have compassionate children and/or other relatives who are willing and able to help you through your difficult times.
I'm at peace knowing that I did about as good as I could with some notable exceptions that I see as shortcomings in myself. However I can't change the past and hindsight is 20/20.
You said it much better than I ever could, so thanks.
The thing is we do not know how or why the parents of estranged children became estranged. But due to my horrid childhood I went to great lengths to stay in touch with my children in those difficult 18-30 years where they knew everything and I was to stupid to know I was stupid, according to them at times.
Because I hung in there, and kept my opinions to myself, I have four great adult children. We still have our disagreements, but we will never be estranged. An example: It is snowing here and I need to go to the lab for a blood test. We have two feet unplowed snow and our car will not make it out of the driveway.
Call my son, who has a Jeep. He is working. He calls his boss and tells him he has to take me for a blood test, and will miss a meeting. Then he drives over, in this stupid never ending snowstorm, and parks in the driveway.
He shovels a path from his Jeep to my front door. Since his Jeep is a high vehicle he carries a foot stool in it for the single purpose of me getting in and out of his Jeep. Helps me to the car, helps me in, takes me to the lab, helps me into the lab, says text me when you are finished, and waits in his car for me. (he is not allowed in the building)
Then he drives me home helps me into the house. He asks me do I want him to shovel the driveway and sidewalk while he is here. No, I say. We can’t go anywhere. Go back to work, thanks. Well, he says, if you change your mind call me. I’ll come over and do it. But he has to work late since he took time off this morning.
He doesn’t do this because he “owes” me. He does this because he loves me, and he knows I love him.
As I side note, when we were sad because we could not go out to eat and get a favorite Chinese pork dish, his significant other, made it for dinner for us.
