Dysfunction all around

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
It may be just me, or it may even be due to something I'm doing wrong, but I do seem to witness a lot of dysfunctional relationships in families I have knowledge of around me. .

The signs I think are indicative include family members competing with one another all the time, and putting psychological pressure on each other, each one trying to be top dog.

If only, if only they could just find a way of avoiding all the completion, stop setting agendas for one another, then I'd imagine all the good things about their relationships could floyrsh much more successfully (things like they probably love one another a lot).
 

It's not just family relationships where I see dysfunction. I also see it in couples, both married and unmarried. When north meets south and a toxic relationship begins, you can bet your house that they will have a dysfunctional family when the kids come along. I have seen this happen with a close friend of mine.
 
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My Dad's side of the family was and still is dysfunctional .
They got mad when my Dad got married at 16yrs old and never
forgot it. None of his side of the family bothered with us.
My cousins weren't allowed to even talk to us. It didn't stop
there, it carried on to the whole family. All my cousins turned
against their brothers and sisters. One family didn't even tell
one of their sisters when their Mom passed away. My Dad had 1 brother and 5 sisters and each and everyone of them had children that turned against one another.
 
Sassycakes said:
My Dad's side of the family was and still is dysfunctional .
They got mad when my Dad got married at 16yrs old and never
forgot it. None of his side of the family bothered with us.
My cousins weren't allowed to even talk to us. It didn't stop
there, it carried on to the whole family. All my cousins turned
against their brothers and sisters. One family didn't even tell
one of their sisters when their Mom passed away. My Dad had 1 brother and 5 sisters and each and everyone of them had children that turned against one another.
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But, why do you suppose that was? Why would your dad’s side of the family not interact with his children? I have heard of holding a grudge, but that’s generally just against the person who committed the act. Interesting.

They have a word for families that carry a grudge throughout generations. It’s called having a feud.
 
oldman said:
But, why do you suppose that was? Why would your dad’s side of the family not interact with his children? I have heard of holding a grudge, but that’s generally just against the person who committed the act. Interesting.

They have a word for families that carry a grudge throughout generations. It’s called having a feud.
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In one of the UK newspapers yesterday there is an article concerning just how many people in my country have nothing to do with their parents whatever, and I think the figure they quoted was over five million.

An expert from a group called "Stand Alone" (the clue is in the name!), pontificated on the subject, and one of the young women featured had given them a headline of never wanting anything to do with both her parents. Later on you learn she does share an odd message or two with her mother (the reason why the article was written was to examine whether the current pandemic and lockdown was causing estranged families to contact one another, or try to come together, and whether this was a good thing or not).

The statistics are pretty chilling alone however, and the socioeconomic consequences no doubt profound too.
 
oldman said:
But, why do you suppose that was? Why would your dad’s side of the family not interact with his children? I have heard of holding a grudge, but that’s generally just against the person who committed the act. Interesting.

They have a word for families that carry a grudge throughout generations. It’s called having a feud.
Click to expand...

I honestly don't know why they treated us like they did. I just find it really funny that the entire family continued acting the same was towards their brothers and sisters. Even my own brother did the same thing towards my parents and me and my sister and they were very good to him. When he passed away 2yrs ago he left everything he had to his daughter and left out his 2 sons.
 
When my late husband married me, his family turned against him. Most of his family, that is. One brother and his family came to our wedding; I figure he was just glad that he wasn't the #1 black sheep anymore. And later, I became very close to one of his sisters.

His family had planned his entire life on "giving him to the Church". Out of 11 kids, they had planned on at least one priest and one nun. One sister tried the convent, but couldn't cut it. He spent eight years in a Benedictine seminary but left before his vows and went into the army. His mother had great hopes that when he got out of the service, he'd "come to his senses" and go back to the seminary. Instead he married....gasp....a Protestant. His mother referred to me as "The Whore of Babylon".

He was dead to them. In fact, the last thing his mother said to him was, "I'd rather see you dead. I'd rather be standing over your coffin." He didn't see his parents for five years after that. Eventually, there was a sort of reconciliation, but there was never real "love" again. I engineered most of the reconciliation; if it was up to him, he would have never seen them again.

OK, here's the part I don't understand. His father had been Protestant; he had to convert to Catholicism in order to marry his mother. His father's family kicked him out to the point that they scratched his name out of the family Bible. So, after having something like that happen to YOU, would YOU turn around and do the same thing to your beloved child? Do people not learn from experience?

Religion wise, his family sat on the right hand of the Pope; my family was so Protestant, they made John Wesley look like a Jesuit. What happened? All six of us girls married Catholics. All six of my devout sister-in-law's children married Protestants. The world didn't come to an end. The earth still circles the sun. The little bear still goes poo-poo in the forest. Life moves on.
 
Sassycakes said:
I honestly don't know why they treated us like they did. I just find it really funny that the entire family continued acting the same was towards their brothers and sisters. Even my own brother did the same thing towards my parents and me and my sister and they were very good to him. When he passed away 2yrs ago he left everything he had to his daughter and left out his 2 sons.
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I'm sorry for your loss. I find it strange when family members don't or can't get along with one another inside the family. My Mom was the sweetest, kindest person that I ever knew. She had three sisters and the the one sister, who was the closest to my Mom had a disagreement with one of the other two sisters. My Mom got involved with the dispute and those two never spoke again. Both Mom and the sister are gone now and I wonder sometimes if they made up when they got to Heaven. I don't think God would allow them in if they didn't talk to each other.
 
grahamg said:
In one of the UK newspapers yesterday there is an article concerning just how many people in my country have nothing to do with their parents whatever, and I think the figure they quoted was over five million.

An expert from a group called "Stand Alone" (the clue is in the name!), pontificated on the subject, and one of the young women featured had given them a headline of never wanting anything to do with both her parents. Later on you learn she does share an odd message or two with her mother (the reason why the article was written was to examine whether the current pandemic and lockdown was causing estranged families to contact one another, or try to come together, and whether this was a good thing or not).

The statistics are pretty chilling alone however, and the socioeconomic consequences no doubt profound too.
Click to expand...
I know a few people that don't bother with their parents or maybe not much, anyway, but it's not because they don't like them, it's because it's too much trouble for them. I told the one fellow that said he hadn't been to see his dad in over a year. I told him you better go see him now, because when he's gone, so is your chance to go see him again. He just said that it was no big deal to him. It made me think how bad I always wanted to be with my dad and my mom, but my dad was my mentor in life and really my inspiration for a lot of things. With him being in the Army as a career, he wasn't the smartest man alive, but he had just great common sense.

But, here again, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. My dad did not like his mother. You wouldn't expect that from an Army man, but it's true. My Grandma, (dad's mom) divorced my grandpa (Dad's dad). It broke my Grandpa's heart and when my dad saw what happened to his dad, he took his dad's side and wouldn't go visit his mom, ever. My dad even used to tell all of us in the family that when that women dies, I'm not even going to her funeral. Ironically, my dad died in a fire before his mom (my Grandma) died.

As Paul Harvey would say, "Here's the rest of the story." Because my dad took the position that he did with his mother and not go to see her, I also wouldn't visit her.But, I did call her from time to time. She loved me. I knew that and I suppose that I loved her too. She did some really good things for me while growing up, so I felt that I shouldn't shut her out of my life completely. She is the one that gave me my nickname, which I won't divulge.
 
One thing most people seem to think is irrelevant today is that our parents are unique to each of us, and equally we are unique to our own children. It is common today to denigrate us as "biological parents" and then a step parent can become the "real parent" in modern terminology.

I like feeling unique, I don't know about you, but it is nice to feel no one else could have done what you did on this planet, in the way creating a child, especially with someone you thought you loved, allows you to do.
 
oldman said:
I'm sorry for your loss. I find it strange when family members don't or can't get along with one another inside the family. My Mom was the sweetest, kindest person that I ever knew. She had three sisters and the the one sister, who was the closest to my Mom had a disagreement with one of the other two sisters. My Mom got involved with the dispute and those two never spoke again. Both Mom and the sister are gone now and I wonder sometimes if they made up when they got to Heaven. I don't think God would allow them in if they didn't talk to each other.
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What amazed me the most was that my Mom always insisted that our family visited our Grandparents every Sunday. The rest of the family would go in the dining room for dinner but we had to stay in the living room while they all ate. Even on Holidays. On Christmas after they ate they all came back in the living room and handed out Christmas gifts from my Grandparents. Of course me,my sister and brother never received any gift from anyone but all the other Grandchildren did. I always admired my Mom's ability to be in their company.
 
grahamg said:
One thing most people seem to think is irrelevant today is that our parents are unique to each of us, and equally we are unique to our own children. It is common today to denigrate us as "biological parents" and then a step parent can become the "real parent" in modern terminology.

I like feeling unique, I don't know about you, but it is nice to feel no one else could have done what you did on this planet, in the way creating a child, especially with someone you thought you loved, allows you to do.
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From what I've seen, much of it started with that so-called "self-help" material- encouraging people to find unforgivable fault in their parents, spouses, etc. The so-called "gurus' came into the picture claiming it's not only acceptable but a good thing to throw your family members away and get 'new' ones.

In my opinion, some parents do forfeit their right to be in their kids' lives. But I agree with your viewpoint- unless there are extreme circumstances, step parents don't have the right to "replace" the actual parents. And in recent years it's become even dopier- referring to a parent's boyfriends or girlfriends as the children's 'parents.'
 
Sassycakes said:
What amazed me the most was that my Mom always insisted that our family visited our Grandparents every Sunday. The rest of the family would go in the dining room for dinner but we had to stay in the living room while they all ate. Even on Holidays. On Christmas after they ate they all came back in the living room and handed out Christmas gifts from my Grandparents. Of course me,my sister and brother never received any gift from anyone but all the other Grandchildren did. I always admired my Mom's ability to be in their company.
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Boy, that is dysfunctional.
 
oldman said:
Boy, that is dysfunctional.
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The funny thing is was that it never bothered me,my brother or sister. We had 5 Aunts and 5 Uncles on my Mom's side of the family and loads of cousins and we were all very close,so I guess that helped us a lot in coping with my Dad's family. It's funny when my Grandmother passed away only my sister and I were crying in Church. My cousins were laughing and joking. They probably thought we were grieving my grandmothers death,but we were crying because my Dad was upset.
 
Sassycakes said:
The funny thing is was that it never bothered me,my brother or sister. We had 5 Aunts and 5 Uncles on my Mom's side of the family and loads of cousins and we were all very close,so I guess that helped us a lot in coping with my Dad's family. It's funny when my Grandmother passed away only my sister and I were crying in Church. My cousins were laughing and joking. They probably thought we were grieving my grandmothers death,but we were crying because my Dad was upset.
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It is a truism in life to say that sometimes we just can't change what happened, and the die was cast long before we were able to make a difference to the outcome.

I can comfort myself that the dysfunction in my own family, between my siblings, and my own child too, fit into that bracket (though almost everyone you try to explain this to thinks otherwise). My daughter's chosen career means she's a key worker in these days of pandemic, and having to withstand huge demands upon her time, whilst at the same time caring for young children. I doubt there will be dysfunction allowed to set in around her, in her immediate circle, though she'll be lucky if she never experiences trouble somewhere down the line. The ice running in her veins means she'll look after number 1 too.
 

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