Erma Bombeck

StarSong

StarSong

Awkward is my Superpower
Location
Los Angeles Suburbs
I'm in the process of copying documents, pictures, etc. to a portable hard drive. While reviewing bits and pieces saved over the years, I came across Erma Bombeck's 1979 column, penned 17 years before she died in 1996. I hope she took her own advice, and am grateful that she shared this wisdom with her readers.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
By Erma Bombeck

If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten popcorn in the "good" living room and worried less about the dirt when you lit the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat cross-legged on the lawn with my children and never worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television -- and more while watching real life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have eaten less cottage cheese and more ice cream.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the Earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day.

I would never have bought ANYTHING just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now, go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more I love yous, more I'm sorrys, more I'm listenings, but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it, look at it and really see it . . . try it on . . . live it . . . exhaust it . . . and never give that minute back until there was nothing left of it.
 

Thanks for sharing this StarSong. I remember it from long ago and it's great to see it again. Erma was wonderful.
 

When they first started using plastic bags at grocery stores, I still remember her column describing how awkward those bags were to handle. Although I don't remember all the details, I still think of her sometimes when I get really annoyed at those bags. lol
 
I recall: "if it doesn't hurt, it doesn't work". I believe it was one of her later pronouncements, and is one I identify with.
 
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Wonderful advice article, thanks for posting it.


Here is another by Erma Bombeck:


God Chooses A Mom For A Disabled Child

By Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year, Nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over the Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstong, Beth; son; patron saint, Matthew.

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter; patron saint, Cecelia.

"Rudlege, Carrie; twins; patron saint…give her Gerald. He’s used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She’s so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" Ask the angel.

"I don’t want her to have too much patience or she will drown in self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she’ll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence. She’ll have to teach the child to live in her world and that’s not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don’t think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness"

The Angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, there is a woman I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a ‘spoken word.’ She will never consider a ‘step’ ordinary. When her child says ‘Momma’ for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see as few people ever see my creations.

I will permit her to see clearly the things I see - ignorance, cruelty, prejudice - and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

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Shalimar said:
Oh boy, that made me weep. KingsX, you have just given me the subject of my next Mother’s Group. Thanks.
Click to expand...


Thanks. I've had that article for many years and it still makes me cry.

Ironically, yesterday on TV I watched [again] Spielberg's movie, "A.I. Artificial Intelligence", and again it made me cry.

For those who haven't seen the movie, it is a quirky but endearing sci fi take on Pinocchio.

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I loved Erma. I read all her books. I think of her at Christmas. She wrote one time that if someone asked her for a gift box she wanted to know where it was going and when she was getting it back. Our family has reused gift boxed for years and when one of them turns up after many holidays I think of her.
 
I was also a fan of Erma. She had a gift for sure.


"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart." Erma Bombeck
 
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