Forgiveness for your sake

This is important for me to add: I'm sorry if anyone got the impression that I am pushing a quick fix forgiveness that is instantaneous but that is not at all what the article says and not at all what I mean either. I know many have had traumatic things happen in their lives and things that are hard to process and I know it from experience. I had some real anger to vent for a long time and some people did not understand that so it came down to being my own best friend and allowing myself to have all the feelings I have no matter what they were. I had to allow myself to be human despite my grade school Catholic upbringing, despite that I was also taught a woman does not get angry or she is a b****, or that I was being "unpleasant". No one can put a time length on how long it takes to heal, to process painful and "unapproved of" feelings, to stop looking over their shoulder all the time, to feel people may want to hurt them, to let out all the tears that may fill the ocean, and to get to a new understanding of self. I feel we are never the same again but if we live one day at a time and appreciate the good days and try to make it through the rough ones by using things we have been taught or discovered somehow we can have a more peaceful journey and find some joy.
 

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Ruthanne said:
Yes, it is hard to listen to those who are judging and blaming over and over again for sure. My mom and dad did this but my dad even more so. I am thankful that in their later years they became more mellow and understanding. I think some of us learn to constantly judge and blame and it comes from different sources that we learn it. I had a class where we learned to try and stop judging which is a very hard thing to do for most of us. But it made me conscious of judging and helped me to start doing it less. I still have gone backwards at times and fallen into it again but it's something I can always start working on again if I fall back.
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I think your comment about learning to blame and not forgive is very insightful Ruthanne. We learn so many of our negative behaviours from others, but when you look at how kids interact when they're very little (before the indoctrination really takes root), they frequently could give some of the grownups a lesson on getting along.

You're also right, the 'forgiveness' or 'letting it go' can often take years to accomplish but it's so worthwhile for your own peace of mind.
 
I think many people confuse forgiveness with accepting and even approving the bad actions of others.

Certainly, being bitter does no good. There is an old saying that is still true: Being bitter is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

But forgiveness does not mean one has to passively accept injustice, and allow it to be continued. Like many I have forgiven certain people who did terrible things to me. Life goes on. But, I do not allow these people to be in a position to injure me again.
 
I think you're also making a good point Brookswood. Forgiving someone for a past hurt doesn't mean they get free pass to hurt you again. They might be forgiven, but if they ever want trust again, it has to be earned back.
 
Debby said:
I think your comment about learning to blame and not forgive is very insightful Ruthanne. We learn so many of our negative behaviours from others, but when you look at how kids interact when they're very little (before the indoctrination really takes root), they frequently could give some of the grownups a lesson on getting along.

You're also right, the 'forgiveness' or 'letting it go' can often take years to accomplish but it's so worthwhile for your own peace of mind.
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I remember being a child and having unconditional love for everyone, it was great! Yes, we can learn a lot from children.

Brookswood said:
I think many people confuse forgiveness with accepting and even approving the bad actions of others.

Certainly, being bitter does no good. There is an old saying that is still true: Being bitter is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

But forgiveness does not mean one has to passively accept injustice, and allow it to be continued. Like many I have forgiven certain people who did terrible things to me. Life goes on. But, I do not allow these people to be in a position to injure me again.
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That's so true.

Debby said:
I think you're also making a good point Brookswood. Forgiving someone for a past hurt doesn't mean they get free pass to hurt you again. They might be forgiven, but if they ever want trust again, it has to be earned back.
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Yes, I agree.
 

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