Forgiveness!

[JaniceM]

Saying "I'm sorry" and meaning it requires honesty & good character - qualities that someone who hurt you wouldn't have in the first place.

I've heard the way to determine if a person truly is sorry is whether or not they stop doing what they're doing.
Come to think of it, that's what one of my Uncles taught his kids- never say 'sorry,' show it by not doing it again.

 

[hellomimi]

For one's own mental health, it's important to forgive and move on .. simply because the perpetrator of your mental anguish is never going to take responsibility for the pain they've caused. I learned that the hard way.

Been there and just when I thought I would finally get that apology...I was gas lighted again. I used to beat myself for falling to such trap. But now, I enforce my boundaries, listen to myself and be at peace wiith my decision.

 

[Gaer]

May i expound onmy comment earlier, as it will be dismissed as "Yeah,That's nice but,not gonna happen!"
I am sincere in the benefits of forgiveness.
Forgive everyone in your past through strong thought, who has ever harmed you.
Why, if you can choose your moods, would you choose to feel bad?
You will realize understanding.
let all feelings of animosity lift, and the NEW you, free from hate, will emerge.
This is the soul, the true self, before any hurt and pain.
You are to go beyond the letting go of ill will.
BLESS this person so his soul FEELS the blessing.
When this is done, You will be amazed at the change in your life; the joy that will come to you!

 

[Keesha]

Sad to say that's the truth. I admit I have a hard time forgiving and takes a lot of prayers to ask for courage when the offender does not even show remorse.

I want to forgive for my well-being, not theirs and that's what I always tell myself. Sometimes, it hurts more if they apologize followed by BUT...which is really passing the blame to me as if I deserve the cruelty. Oh well, I prefer to just let it go; I just stay away from them.

Again, staying away from people who have harmed you isn’t that difficult. When it’s your own family and they’ve played you most of your life because you ARE the forgiving soul then nothing really changes. You get pulled back in just to get used once again and it gets old.

You know what I do Keesha? I not only forgive, but I send mental BLESSINGS to them, for who needs blessings more than those who are so ignorant? When I did this, ALL the bad memories I'd been carrying, inturupting my sleep, flashing through my days; ALL disappeared! Never to return! Let it go and send loving prayers to them and it disrupts my life no more.

You’re preaching to the choir here. This IS what I’ve been doing Gaer. What this translates to is that everything is ok and the behaviour never changes. If you forgive and send blessings to all those who hurt you, it sends out a message that you are perfectly ok with being mistreated and used. If you are always the generous one who is constantly offering your time, hard work and things of monetary value, then narcissistic ‘ takers’ basically figure that you don’t mind being taken advantage of and you end up teaching them that it’s ok. You end up setting yourself up to be a used and when people discover then can use you with no consequences, it never ends. With friends you can simply let them go. When it’s family it gets complicated and hurtful.

If I were to share with you the things I’ve forgiven, you’d be shocked. No exaggeration here. I completely GET what you’re saying though. After 60 years I think I’ve discovered that some things can’t be completely forgiven and some of you answered why this is. If the people who have seriously abused you don't even acknowledge the abuse even happened but act like you are making up stories for whatever reason, then forgiving them can be disappointing to yourself.

If anything, I’ve forgiven far too much and feel disappointed in myself for doing so. Many of you will claim that if I feel this way then it wasn’t forgiveness to begin with but it truly was. These people had a perfectly clean slate with me. Unfortunately it put me in a position of being disrespected and taken for granted and it wasn’t something I acknowledged until recently. I’ve had to backtrack to see where I went wrong.

Earlier in this thread I mentioned that I’m having a really hard time forgiving and wondered if perhaps it’s due to not having time lapse by. I still believe this is the reason and know that within time I WILL forgive and I’ll do it for ME. Hanging on to grievances is painful and I look forward to be free of it all. Unfortunately it’s just not happening right now or anytime soon.

Yes I’m bitter and have a chip on my shoulder but I’m ok with that. It’s a good reminder.

 

[Gaer]

keesha, As a person who has been through intensive abuse too, to release the hate really frees you! They (he) ais/are already punished because they are the same. They have to still BE the same person. That's a pretty bad punishment.
Noone but you knows the pain and the triumphs you've encountered. No one is going to thank you for being kind and thoughtful. But God knows. The angels know and YOU know! Done preaching.

 

[peppermint]

I only had 1 person in my life for many years....That at the end, I had to get her out of my life.....
I couldn't stand having her calling me on the phone and crying....She had a son that went to jail....and a girl that didn't even talk to her...
They were adopted...My friend couldn't conceive...Her husband cheated on her for many many years....Which I didn't know about....
To me she looked like a lovely family....Having a beautiful home and she never told me her husband was cheating...

We left our home to another State....She called me to see that they couldn't come to see us....She was getting a divorce...
When we came back a couple of years later, my daughter was getting married....We invited her to the wedding....The day before the wedding
she called me that she couldn't come...Of course we didn't get the money back...But I didn't care.....She didn't at the time tell me her
son was in jail....So anyway....we all have stories....(I never heard from her again)...I did try her phone, but never answered....I didn't
know where she was living....And I still don't know what happened to her.....It's many many years....We were the same age...But she
was always sick...So I just say, God Bless, if something happened to her....Know one ever called me or where her kids live....

I think about it sometimes ,like now....

 

[Keesha]

keesha, As a person who has been through intensive abuse too, to release the hate really frees you! They (he) ais/are already punished because they are the same. They have to still BE the same person. That's a pretty bad punishment.
Noone but you knows the pain and the triumphs you've encountered. No one is going to thank you for being kind and thoughtful. But God knows. The angels know and YOU know! Done preaching.

You are absolutely RIGHT. I should be satisfied with the knowledge that I KNOW what I’ve done. THAT in itself ‘should’ certainly be good enough but for some reason it isn’t. What does bring me comfort and peace is knowing when they die ALL truth will be revealed and then and only then will they understand how much I loved them and did for them. Yes it’s bittersweet because that means that their bodies will no longer be alive but the fact that they are moving on to a better place where they will all be reunited with ALL their loved ones including me, is soul soothing.

No one is going to thank me for being kind and thoughtful. Yeah. No $hit. Sorry but I found that exceptionally funny. I certainly take myself too seriously at times.

 

[MarciKS]

My brother used to say that you haven't really forgiven if you don't forget. But Sassycakes...I'm with you! I think not forgetting is a way to protect ourselves from having the same kind of deed done to us again whether by the same person or someone else.

For me the not forgetting doesn't involve still hanging on or carrying a grudge. It is simply a reminder to myself not to let it happen again. Does that make sense?

 

[Butterfly]

@Keesha I get accused of being a pushover. As a general rule I'll forgive but, I won't forget. However, if the person continues to keep doing the same thing I will often distance myself from them just to keep the bad feelings at bay.

I've been struggling with forgiveness here lately as well. I've been Christian for a while now. It's not easy to love others enough to forgive them in the middle of a situation that makes you wanna smack someone in the head. I find it's easier to get some space between myself and that person for a while till things chill. Meanwhile just think the situation over and maybe think about how to handle it if it happens again. Then just let it go.

Generally anything we say or do isn't going to fix the situation at hand or make it any better so let it cool off and go do your thing.

My pastor once told me that forgiving someone does not mean that you must trust them again or give them the opportunity to hurt you again.

 

[JaniceM]

My pastor once told me that forgiving someone does not mean that you must trust them again or give them the opportunity to hurt you again.

But if you're dealing with a disordered personality- an N. for example- it can be an 'invitation' to harm you again because individuals with disordered personalities don't realize their harmful behavior is actually wrong.
The first N. I ever dealt with seemed to have a weird 'glitch' in not being able to recognize cause -> effect.. but others I encountered later in life were different- instead of not being able to connect their actions to the consequences, it was more like a sense of entitlement to harm others, characteristics common in sociopaths and psychopaths.

When I first started thinking about the subject (forgiveness) around 25 years ago, what came to mind was what Jesus said on the cross- he asked God to forgive them 'for they know not what they do.' However, when someone truly 'knows not what they do,' they don't go to great extremes to hide it from others.

 

[Keesha]

However, when someone truly 'knows not what they do,' they don't go to great extremes to hide it from others.

This is something I try to keep in mind also.
People with a personality disorder have acted a certain way for so long that it has become part of who they are and I have to agree here that when you bring some of their behaviours up to them, they genuinely might be completely baffled by it and even think that whatever is going on is your problem.

If they’ve been the way they are for their entire life and nobody has called them on it and suddenly you do, they truly don’t understand nor even care. In fact, they wouldn’t even know what narcissism even is so certainly wouldn’t recognize it in themselves.

This is something I have tried to keep in mind.
For instance people who were raised during the war or days of the depression, may carry a mentality of ‘waste not, want not,’ to the point of being hoarders and/or being incredibly frugal. It becomes a habit to always make sure they are getting the best deal in any situation regardless of whether you are a friend or family member. Pointing this type of behaviour out to them will only be considered rude on your part and if they are close family members, rest assured, you WILL be taken advantage of since it IS a ‘built in’ part of their personality.

It might take a lifetime for you to recognize and figure this out, leaving those that are close to them frustrated and scornful but in the end, they are just being themselves and don’t consider their behaviour harmful.

Your last statement certainly rings true in my life experience and is something to keep in mind.
It’s almost impossible getting an apology from these types of people since they will never acknowledge any wrong doings on their part but could make a long list of yours.

 

[Pinky]

This is something I try to keep in mind also.
People with a personality disorder have acted a certain way for so long that it has become part of who they are and I have to agree here that when you bring some of their behaviours up to them, they genuinely might be completely baffled by it and even think that whatever is going on is your problem.

If they’ve been the way they are for their entire life and nobody has called them on it and suddenly you do, they truly don’t understand nor even care. In fact, they wouldn’t even know what narcissism even is so certainly wouldn’t recognize it in themselves.

This is something I have tried to keep in mind.
For instance people who were raised during the war or days of the depression, may carry a mentality of ‘waste not, want not,’ to the point of being hoarder and/or being incredibly frugal. It becomes a habit to always make sure they are getting the best deal in any situation regardless of whether you are a friend or family member. Pointing this type of behaviour out to them will only be considered rude on your part and if they are close family members, rest assured, you WILL be taken advantage of since it IS a ‘built in’ part of their personality.

It might take a lifetime for you to recognize and figure this out, leaving those that are close to them frustrated and scornful but in the end, they are just being themselves and don’t consider their behaviour harmful.

Your last statement certainly rings true in my life experience and is something to keep in mind.
It’s almost impossible getting an apology from these types of people since they will never acknowledge any wrong doings on their part but could make a long list of yours.

You are spot-on, Keesha. My ex was exactly as you've described. In his mind, he was not wrong .. everybody else was. It took me longer than it should have to realize this part of his personality.

 

[Mr. Ed]

As age advanced I found myself reaching out to people I thought I should makes amends. Call it a little housekeeping

 

[Lakeland living]

Unforgivable s, yes have had a few, only one persisted for about 10 years. Till he tried again. No I won't say anything on that part.
However when I received a message from someone else I let his ex know. He is now in for 4 to 5 years.
His ex is smiling, I am grinning and another person is delirious as he stands to get some money back.
Ok, so payback is fn great!!

 

[peppermint]

I only had 1 person in my life for many years....That at the end, I had to get her out of my life.....
I couldn't stand having her calling me on the phone and crying....She had a son that went to jail....and a girl that didn't even talk to her...
They were adopted...My friend couldn't conceive...Her husband cheated on her for many many years....Which I didn't know about....
To me she looked like a lovely family....Having a beautiful home and she never told me her husband was cheating...

We left our home to another State....She called me to see that they couldn't come to see us....She was getting a divorce...
When we came back a couple of years later, my daughter was getting married....We invited her to the wedding....The day before the wedding
she called me that she couldn't come...Of course we didn't get the money back...But I didn't care.....She didn't at the time tell me her
son was in jail....So anyway....we all have stories....(I never heard from her again)...I did try her phone, but never answered....I didn't
know where she was living....And I still don't know what happened to her.....It's many many years....We were the same age...But she
was always sick...So I just say, God Bless, if something happened to her....Know one ever called me or where her kids live....

I think about it sometimes ,like now....

To reply again..I 'm older now, and I don't care anymore what happened many years ago....I have my happy family and don't need people
with there cries....I had enough of them....

 

[fuzzybuddy]

I'm not a forgiving kind of guy. And , of course, it depends on what you have done to me. If it was something significant, I just don't ever want anything to do with you. I'm quite happy believing you fell off the planet.

 

[Liberty]

Think as a child, a two pronged learning helped me to avoid the necessity to forgive...why? If you get in the position where you "need to forgive" you have produced a "debt/debtor"cycle of energy. My dad taught me "don't try to change anyone - its like trying to teach a pig to sing, you'll just waste your time and annoy the pig". My mother taught me "there are two kinds of people in the world...the givers and the takers." We are all on many different free will learning paths.

Learning to observe and to have "loving indifference" keeps you out of much of "harm's way" with respect to debtorship/ownership responsibilities.

 

[Gaer]

Since the title of this is forgiveness, I found this little quote among my stuff.
This is easy for me to say, because I have no husband, but for others,

"Once a woman has forgiven her man,
she must not reheat his sins for breakfast."

 

[hellomimi]

"Once a woman has forgiven her man,
she must not reheat his sins for breakfast."

For me, I can and will forgive all mistakes but will not tolerate cheating/betrayal. It's like picking up pieces of shattered glass that cuts you. Once trust is broken in a relationship, you can't put it back to it's original state.