Friend doesn't respect my anxiety related to highway driving

Alligatorob said:
I don't but certainly respect those that do. If you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it. Your right.

Maybe fewer visits and not solo visits are a good thing?
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OneEyedDiva said:
I was very nervous about highway driving when I first got my license at age 37. Before I knew it, I had gotten used to it because I did a lot of highway driving for my work. I stopped driving almost 20 years ago after eye surgeries and other eye issues. If your friend is a good friend, she should not only respect your decision but be supportive of your anxiety, not ridicule you for it. I understand why you've gotten to the point that you'd prefer not to see her at all. And ditto @MikeyDude's answer (post #10).
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Thank you for this.
 

Judycat said:
I have developed worsening anxiety as I became older, so I know what you mean. I jump at the unexpected and wind up shaking afterward. I don't like driving anymore for the same reasons you stated. Your friend is too needy as well.
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I'm sorry that you have similar issues with driving. It really does suck. Actually, my friend isn't needy at all. She's just the type that expects her friends to behave the way she thinks they should.
 

8-10 years ago I used to think nothing of doing an hour or two of highway driving just to visit an interesting place or event or a better mall. But both city and highway driving in this state has gotten so lawless, witness wrecks all the time that I just quit the highways. Didn’t feel it was worth the risk any more. You don’t owe any explanations more than “I don’t care to do it.”
we don’t have to respond to pushy people who know they are making us uncomfortable. They do it for sick kicks. Many good thoughts and ideas offered above by many forum members.
if you want and can afford a beach holiday, explore other ways of having it with transportation provided. Good luck.
 
Pepper said:
That's what this thread is really about, isn't it? Not your anxiety to drive, IMO. It's about needing agreement with yourself to dump her. Don't ever drive if you feel unsafe, never. Just say No.
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No, it's not really about needing agreement to dump her. I know I can't say goodbye to a 50-year-relationship. My post is more about (1) how to handle a friend who doesn't respect anxiety issues, and (2) wondering if anyone else has anxiety about solo highway driving. And I suppose I was wanting some validation that I'm not the one being unreasonable.
 
Catballou said:
No, it's not really about needing agreement to dump her. I know I can't say goodbye to a 50-year-relationship. My post is more about (1) how to handle a friend who doesn't respect anxiety issues, and (2) wondering if anyone else has anxiety about solo highway driving. And I suppose I was wanting some validation that I'm not the one being unreasonable.
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You are not being unreasonable. It's not safe to drive if you are anxious. Stay safe!
 
Geezerette said:
8-10 years ago I used to think nothing of doing an hour or two of highway driving just to visit an interesting place or event or a better mall. But both city and highway driving in this state has gotten so lawless, witness wrecks all the time that I just quit the highways. Didn’t feel it was worth the risk any more. You don’t owe any explanations more than “I don’t care to do it.”
we don’t have to respond to pushy people who know they are making us uncomfortable. They do it for sick kicks. Many good thoughts and ideas offered above by many forum members.
if you want and can afford a beach holiday, explore other ways of having it with transportation provided. Good luck.
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Thank you. I agree that this friend somehow gets a kick out of making me uncomfortable. She's done it for years. And yes...I still go lots of fun places without having to drive. Either hubby or a friend drives, or I take a train or bus. My issue with highway driving is the same as yours: too much speeding, too many collisions. Not interested in taking the risk.
 
One day a cop was following behind a late model car with 4 older women inside, after 5 miles he turned on his lights and she pulled over. The driver rolled down the window and the trooper approached.

"Ma'am, you going 45 mph, the speed limit is 65 on this highway"

"Officer, doesn't that sign say "45?"

"Yes ma'am, but that's the Hwy marker denoting the highway number, the speed sign is white with black lettering"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll speed up then"

The trooper turns to leave and looks at the two woman in the back, looks of horror and frozen on their very pale faces.

"Ma'am? You're friends in back don't look so good, are they all right?"

"Yes officer, as you explained my error, we'd just got off Hwy 119 recently"
 
Disgustedman said:
One day a cop was following behind a late model car with 4 older women inside, after 5 miles he turned on his lights and she pulled over. The driver rolled down the window and the trooper approached.

"Ma'am, you going 45 mph, the speed limit is 65 on this highway"

"Officer, doesn't that sign say "45?"

"Yes ma'am, but that's the Hwy marker denoting the highway number, the speed sign is white with black lettering"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll speed up then"

The trooper turns to leave and looks at the two woman in the back, looks of horror and frozen on their very pale faces.

"Ma'am? You're friends in back don't look so good, are they all right?"

"Yes officer, as you explained my error, we'd just got off Hwy 119 recently"
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Okay, I'm not THIS bad of a driver. LOL!
 
You're not being unreasonable. As for how to handle it ... I've found that it's better not to say too much. The more you/I explain, the more our friends offer their opinions, advice, etc.

I'd say something along the lines of, "Thank you for inviting me. I'm sorry, I can't come. Have a wonderful summer." Then change the subject.

It's kind of late now, because you've already explained. If she keeps at it, you can good-naturedly laugh it off and say, "Yes, we've discussed this before." And change the subject.
 
NorthernLight said:
You're not being unreasonable. As for how to handle it ... I've found that it's better not to say too much. The more you/I explain, the more our friends offer their opinions, advice, etc.

I'd say something along the lines of, "Thank you for inviting me. I'm sorry, I can't come. Have a wonderful summer." Then change the subject.

It's kind of late now, because you've already explained. If she keeps at it, you can good-naturedly laugh it off and say, "Yes, we've discussed this before." And change the subject
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The problem with this friend is she continues to push and berate me when I tell her no. The good-natured approach doesn't work with her, unfortunately. She won't let it go until I tell her I don't want to discuss it anymore.
 
Catballou said:
Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods.
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I wasn't fond of some highways even when I was young, but I have become more anxious over the years. Some of that due just to the accumulation of scary experiences over time. I particularly fear steep highways, will not roll one foot into the Rocky Mountains (once went to look at a horse for sale and the scary memory of the drive back down the mountain remains).

Washington DC has a curvy crowded beltway highway, and I have such bad memories from driving it in my young days I haven't even tried to get on it now that I've moved back to the area.

Can you get to your friend's beach house via back roads instead of highways? I use the 'avoid highways' option in the google maps app a lot. I wish though that the app had a middle choice, I'm okay with things that are called highways but really have traffic lights. But using the 'avoid highways' on the app generally takes me off onto ancient narrow winding roads that I suspect started out as wildlife paths in pioneer days.

This past year I drove on highways several times for long trips, and I found it helpful to use the 'street view' before I traveled to see what the highway looked like, especially places where different ones merge and I'd have to change lanes. Unfortunately the street view somehow didn't give me an accurate idea of the incline so I wound up on some scary downhill highways.
 
HoneyNut said:
I wasn't fond of some highways even when I was young, but I have become more anxious over the years. Some of that due just to the accumulation of scary experiences over time. I particularly fear steep highways, will not roll one foot into the Rocky Mountains (once went to look at a horse for sale and the scary memory of the drive back down the mountain remains).

Washington DC has a curvy crowded beltway highway, and I have such bad memories from driving it in my young days I haven't even tried to get on it now that I've moved back to the area.

Can you get to your friend's beach house via back roads instead of highways? I use the 'avoid highways' option in the google maps app a lot. I wish though that the app had a middle choice, I'm okay with things that are called highways but really have traffic lights. But using the 'avoid highways' on the app generally takes me off onto ancient narrow winding roads that I suspect started out as wildlife paths in pioneer days.

This past year I drove on highways several times for long trips, and I found it helpful to use the 'street view' before I traveled to see what the highway looked like, especially places where different ones merge and I'd have to change lanes. Unfortunately the street view somehow didn't give me an accurate idea of the incline so I wound up on some scary downhill highways.
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YouTube has dashcam videos of many roads and highways. I've checked the videos of scary roads, either before or after I've driven them. There can be a sheer dropoff 2 feet to the right of the car, or a steep hill, and you're going 60 miles an hour. But somehow you don't see that on the screen.

I've also checked maps to determine altitude, curves, etc. They are misleading too. And they don't show the big truck or RV that's barreling behind you.
 
Catballou said:
I'm sorry that you have similar issues with driving. It really does suck. Actually, my friend isn't needy at all. She's just the type that expects her friends to behave the way she thinks they should.
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You're doing the right thing. You have to stand up to this type of person. I can say from experience concerning other issues, the more you give in to a person like this, the more they will expect.
 
HoneyNut said:
I wasn't fond of some highways even when I was young, but I have become more anxious over the years. Some of that due just to the accumulation of scary experiences over time. I particularly fear steep highways, will not roll one foot into the Rocky Mountains (once went to look at a horse for sale and the scary memory of the drive back down the mountain remains).

Washington DC has a curvy crowded beltway highway, and I have such bad memories from driving it in my young days I haven't even tried to get on it now that I've moved back to the area.

Can you get to your friend's beach house via back roads instead of highways? I use the 'avoid highways' option in the google maps app a lot. I wish though that the app had a middle choice, I'm okay with things that are called highways but really have traffic lights. But using the 'avoid highways' on the app generally takes me off onto ancient narrow winding roads that I suspect started out as wildlife paths in pioneer days.

This past year I drove on highways several times for long trips, and I found it helpful to use the 'street view' before I traveled to see what the highway looked like, especially places where different ones merge and I'd have to change lanes. Unfortunately the street view somehow didn't give me an accurate idea of the incline so I wound up on some scary downhill highways.
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I'm not even comfortable driving backroads by myself for two hours, to be honest. Sure, there's a lot less traffic but I'm afraid of the car breaking down or having a sudden health issue when I'm alone. The other thing is, we have just one vehicle and I don't really want to leave hubby at home alone for two days without access to wheels.
 
Catballou said:
Thank you. I agree that this friend somehow gets a kick out of making me uncomfortable. She's done it for years. And yes...I still go lots of fun places without having to drive. Either hubby or a friend drives, or I take a train or bus. My issue with highway driving is the same as yours: too much speeding, too many collisions. Not interested in taking the risk.
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Some people have major, obsessive issues around control. The word no is a red flag for them. Your behaviour is perfectly acceptable, your boundaries reasonable. The problem is hers, not yours. 🤗
 
Catballou said:
I am 65 and still a competent, confident city driver, but I have never been comfortable driving alone on large, multi-lane highways. When I was younger, I forced myself to do it when necessary for work. I didn't enjoy it all and couldn't wait to return home. When I was in my mid-40s I developed a severe anxiety disorder, which is now mostly controlled by medication, but it my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on the situation.

Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods. I'm anxious that I'll be in an accident or get stranded or have a sudden health issue. I have no problem being a passenger. When I have taken road trips, either my husband or other friends drive.

A few years ago, one of my close friends purchased a lovely beachside cottage that is two hours away. She spends the entire summer there. I've visited several times, but only when another friend drove. She is always bugging me to come alone and stop relying on others to get me there. I've explained several times that even the thought of driving two hours on highways by myself causes anxious thoughts. She has other friends who drive to see her and refuses to understand why I won't. She takes it personally and has accused me of acting like an old woman. I tell her that it's not an "old woman" issue. It's an anxiety issue. But she won't accept that. Frankly, she's being so insensitive that I don't really want to go out my way to see her at all.

My question is: Do any of you have anxiety about highway driving and if so, are your friends supportive if you just can't make yourself do it?

Thanks much!
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Your friend seems too self absorbed to consider you're needs, so take that as a sign...
As for your anxiety with driving, that's called amaxophobia, which I described my personal experience with in another thread.
I didn't have access to medication, but just the knowledge that this phobia is highly treatable helped me overcome it on my own.
 
One thing that really surprises me. A friend will move 200-300 miles away, then complain that his friends don't visit him.
One friend decided to move from CA to the Philippines. He'd always tell me come for a visit. His house is only accessible by boat.
Yeah, I got nothing better to do than spend 10 hours on a plane, then several hours more in a row boat to get to his jungle place.
 
win231 said:
One thing that really surprises me. A friend will move 200-300 miles away, then complain that his friends don't visit him.
One friend decided to move from CA to the Philippines. He'd always tell me come for a visit. His house is only accessible by boat.
Yeah, I got nothing better to do than spend 10 hours on a plane, then several hours more in a row boat to get to his jungle place.
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Well, this is it. I didn't ask my friend to spend every summer at a beach house two hours away. Her choice. And people like her have to realize that not everyone finds it convenient or comfortable to travel to her place.
 
leastlongprime said:
Is there public transportation?
When I visit the family beach home (now younger sister's) I take the local bus-train (280-330 miles depending on route). Primarily because it's cheaper than driving a personal car and I dislike boring freeway driving. The downside is that I can't make the bus stop at the cascades and the beaver dam.
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No buses. There is a train that goes there, but a round-trip fare is very expensive and takes half a day to get there. To be totally honest, I'm not eager to spend $150 to see a friend who doesn't respect me as she should.
 

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