Friend doesn't respect my anxiety related to highway driving

I used to love freeway driving but not anymore. Our roads are much busier so I only drive them between 10-3 if it’s a longer distance. Otherwise I take city roads. Your friend is being a jerk. Anxiety can make you feel like you are dying. It’s sad that she’s choosing what she wants over your health.
 

Driving is a learned skill. The more you do it ( after professional training ) the better you get at it. Most of the people on here who are "afraid to drive " seem to be women. Why is that ? In my opinion that reason is they never learned HOW to drive safely. I say that with over 2 million miles of accident free commercial driving behind me, and 54 years of driving all types of vehicles, from 40 foot transit buses, to Ambulances, and commercial tractor trailers, and of course my personal vehicles.

Confidence is the thing that seems to be missing in these posts. To me being afraid to drive is like having a rope tied to your ankle, so you can't go anywhere far from the house. It restricts your life.
JimB.
 
jimintoronto said:
Driving is a learned skill. The more you do it ( after professional training ) the better you get at it. Most of the people on here who are "afraid to drive " seem to be women. Why is that ? In my opinion that reason is they never learned HOW to drive safely. I say that with over 2 million miles of accident free commercial driving behind me, and 54 years of driving all types of vehicles, from 40 foot transit buses, to Ambulances, and commercial tractor trailers, and of course my personal vehicles.

Confidence is the thing that seems to be missing in these posts. To me being afraid to drive is like having a rope tied to your ankle, so you can't go anywhere far from the house. It restricts your life.
JimB.
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Women never learned how to drive safely? That is a highly insulting, sexist comment. I've driven for almost 50 years and have never had an accident on the roads that was my fault. Before I retired, I ran my own business for 14 years. It required me to drive around the city for hours, often seven days a week, often for several months without a break. No accidents.

What you're missing here is, many of the women who have shared their stories here have anxiety that affects their desire and ability to drive alone on highways. I suggest you try being more sensitive to mental health issues and keep your misogynistic comments to yourself.
 
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This 74 year old has never caused an automobile accident despite driving decades in a highly developed urban region. My uncorrected eyesight is modest at 70/20 and in older age, develop varying double vision if driving for hours. As a long time Tahoe snow skier, I've also likewise driven within some of the most difficult, snowy, icy, mountain conditions. Easily, the most scary driving is at night on high speed 2 lane highways when within foul weather there are few vehicles moving in one's car direction while large numbers of vehicles move with blinding headlamps in the opposite direction. Especially awful when large trucks with bright headlamps pass. Not as difficult when one is following a lead vehicle where one can just follow the red tail lights without actually needing to see pavement or road paint. But highly scary with no vehicle to follow. Similar situation in dense winter tule fog across our Central Valley. Even worse as is now the situation at night on a few miles of our State Route 84 leading west from Livermore against the eastward home commute that is undergoing massive construction, widening the highway, where the minimal road width is now bordered by fencing and concrete barriers.
 
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Catballou said:
Women never learned how to drive safely? That is a highly insulting, sexist comment. I've driven for almost 50 years and have never had an accident on the roads that was my fault. Before I retired, I ran my own business for 14 years. It required me to drive around the city for hours, often seven days a week, often for several months without a break. No accidents.

What you're missing here is, many of the women who have shared their stories here have anxiety that affects their desire and ability to drive alone on highways. I suggest you try being more sensitive to mental health issues and keep your misogynistic comments to yourself.
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Nice attack on me. What other hidden sins have you decided I have committed in the past ? Your driving record is commendable, but it sure cannot be applied to all women drivers. JimB.
 
jimintoronto said:
Nice attack on me. What other hidden sins have you decided I have committed in the past ? Your driving record is commendable, but it sure cannot be applied to all women drivers. JimB.
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Now, you didn't honestly think you'd get away with talking trash about women drivers, did you? Statistically, young male drivers under 25 are the most dangerous drivers. They are by far responsible for the most collisions, including fatal ones, of any other sex/age group. If you find any proof to the contrary, let me know. BTW, I'd like everyone to know that most Canadian men have more respect for women than this guy.
 
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jimintoronto said:
Nice attack on me. What other hidden sins have you decided I have committed in the past ? Your driving record is commendable, but it sure cannot be applied to all women drivers. JimB.
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Reducing a woman‘s driving anxiety to poor driving habits is both reductionist and inaccurate. It is entirely appropriate for you to be challenged on your statements on this thread. This

addresses your inappropriate comments regarding female anxiety and driving ability. I notice you chose not to respond to the post detailing that men commonly suffer from this disorder also.
 
Shalimar said:
Reducing a woman‘s driving anxiety to poor driving habits is both reductionist and inaccurate. It is entirely appropriate for you to be challenged on your statements on this thread. This

addresses your inappropriate comments regarding female anxiety and driving ability. I notice you chose not to respond to the post detailing that men commonly suffer from this disorder also.
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Yes. And many women have anxiety because of sexist men like him.
 
Shalimar said:
Reducing a woman‘s driving anxiety to poor driving habits is both reductionist and inaccurate. It is entirely appropriate for you to be challenged on your statements on this thread. This

addresses your inappropriate comments regarding female anxiety and driving ability. I notice you chose not to respond to the post detailing that men commonly suffer from this disorder also.
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And it is also entirely appropriate for me to have an opinion that differs from yours. I don't represent all men. Reductionist ? Care to translate that into common English ?
 
Catballou said:
I am 65 and still a competent, confident city driver, but I have never been comfortable driving alone on large, multi-lane highways. When I was younger, I forced myself to do it when necessary for work. I didn't enjoy it all and couldn't wait to return home. When I was in my mid-40s I developed a severe anxiety disorder, which is now mostly controlled by medication, but it my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, depending on the situation.

Over the past 20 years or so, as I've aged, I've developed an actual phobia of driving on highways alone for long periods. I'm anxious that I'll be in an accident or get stranded or have a sudden health issue. I have no problem being a passenger. When I have taken road trips, either my husband or other friends drive.

A few years ago, one of my close friends purchased a lovely beachside cottage that is two hours away. She spends the entire summer there. I've visited several times, but only when another friend drove. She is always bugging me to come alone and stop relying on others to get me there. I've explained several times that even the thought of driving two hours on highways by myself causes anxious thoughts. She has other friends who drive to see her and refuses to understand why I won't. She takes it personally and has accused me of acting like an old woman. I tell her that it's not an "old woman" issue. It's an anxiety issue. But she won't accept that. Frankly, she's being so insensitive that I don't really want to go out my way to see her at all.

My question is: Do any of you have anxiety about highway driving and if so, are your friends supportive if you just can't make yourself do it?

Thanks much!
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Welll, it seems to me you offered her an explanation which she refuses to accept, so maybe she's not that great of a friend.. and maybe you could look for friends who have more compassion about what you're going through.
 
Catballou said:
No buses. There is a train that goes there, but a round-trip fare is very expensive and takes half a day to get there. To be totally honest, I'm not eager to spend $150 to see a friend who doesn't respect me as she should.
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On the other hand, $150 for a week at a beach house sounds okay. You said you enjoy it there, does she treat you better while you are a guest at her house?
Everyone has a personality, I'd not cut her off after all these years if she was upset because people had said they were coming and then nobody came, maybe she was very disappointed and felt like her friends were not dependable.
A person does need to have boundaries but at the same time be tolerant of other people's weirdnesses and humble and giving if possible without being used.
If you are feeling used and indignant, maybe don't encourage those feelings too much. You've been friends a long time? How did you just let it roll off your back before? Why are you reacting more sensitively now?
I'm not saying you are wrong in any way, but just reflect whether you are making your life colder than it needs to be. Maybe you can get her to learn to have a sense of humor about you being her friend who has to take a train nowadays.
 
HoneyNut said:
On the other hand, $150 for a week at a beach house sounds okay. You said you enjoy it there, does she treat you better while you are a guest at her house?
Everyone has a personality, I'd not cut her off after all these years if she was upset because people had said they were coming and then nobody came, maybe she was very disappointed and felt like her friends were not dependable.
A person does need to have boundaries but at the same time be tolerant of other people's weirdnesses and humble and giving if possible without being used.
If you are feeling used and indignant, maybe don't encourage those feelings too much. You've been friends a long time? How did you just let it roll off your back before? Why are you reacting more sensitively now?
I'm not saying you are wrong in any way, but just reflect whether you are making your life colder than it needs to be. Maybe you can get her to learn to have a sense of humor about you being her friend who has to take a train nowadays.
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Thanks for your input, HoneyNut. I appreciate your comments.

To answer some of your questions: (1) No, she often doesn't treat me better when I'm a guest at her house. Especially after a few glasses of wine, she becomes critical, sarcastic and argumentative, challenging me on how I choose to live my life. She does this with other friends, too. A couple of them have severed ties with her. (2) I have put up with her behaviour for 50 years and now that I'm 65, I've reached a point in my life where I no longer wish to tolerate anyone treating me with disrespect, questioning my decisions and ridiculing me. Examples: She's commented on my weight, looked in my fridge and commented "Wow, you have so much food!" (implying we eat too much), always says nasty things about obese people (she's very attractive but obsessed with her looks), implied that I am lazy, criticized my career choices, called me a hypochondriac when I was going through some real health issues. She still works as a college instructor and has criticized me for "not doing anything" during my retirement, like travelling or volunteering. Meanwhile, I'm happy and content just enjoying life with my hubby, friends and family. The list goes on and on. None of my other close friends act like this. They don't judge me and love me for who I am, which is a kind and caring person who always tries to help and support them as best I can.

So, I'm the one who is changed. I've re-evaluated my friendships and decided that at this stage in my life I want to surround myself with people who lift me up and not bring me down. I will not end our 50-year friendship with this woman, but I'm sure not eager to spend as much time with her as I have in the past.
 
Pinky said:
I have highway-related anxiety, due to an accident we were involved in, several years ago. We had come to
a sudden stop behind backed-up traffic. Another car stopped just in time, behind us. As we were sitting in
the car, waiting for traffic to start flowing, a car hit the vehicle behind us, and totaled the back-end of our
car .. also gave the couple behind us, whiplash. The car that hit them was going at least 100 km's, and
couldn't change lanes to avoid the hit.

Ever since, I am very apprehensive, even as a passenger, on the highway .. and, I never drive the hwy. solo.
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Yinz guys in n' aroond Tronno got too many lanes, n' waaaay too many crazy drivers! Sorry, but it's true! When I was still driving, I'd avoid Tronno like the plague! PLAGUE, I TELL YA! Unless I absolutely had no choice. Yeap, I had anxiety, driving on the highway. I got it from Tronno traffic! N' aNOTHer thing ... To wit: As if the Gardner ain't bad enough to start with, whose brainchild was putting up all them moving billboards? I always found them blithering distracting! No offence, eh? I know it weren't YINZ'S idea. :oops::);)
 
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JaniceM said:
She sounds like a horrible individual that you're better off without.

(just my POV)
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To be fair, I haven't talked about her good points. She is highly intelligent and we have wonderful philosophical discussions. She at least respects my intellect. She is wildly witty and funny, which I love in a friend. Throughout the years I've seen her go above and beyond for friends who are going through terminal illnesses or have suffered a tragedy. These are the things that has kept us friends for so long. But, it is so hard to not be bothered and upset at her negative behaviour.
 
TeeJay said:
Yinz guys in n' aroond Tronno got too many lanes, n' waaaay too many crazy drivers! Sorry, but it's true! When I was still driving, I'd avoid Tronno like the plague! PLAGUE, I TELL YA! Unless I absolutely had no choice. Yeap, I had anxiety, driving on the highway. I got it from Tronno traffic! N' aNOTHer thing ... To wit: As if the Gardner ain't bad enough to start with, whose brainchild was putting up all them moving billboards? I always found them blithering distracting! No offence, eh? I know it weren't YINZ'S idea. :oops::);)
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I agree. I live an hour away from Toronto. I do like to visit a couple of times a year; it's an awesome city! I always take the train. I would never even attempt to drive there. No way.
 
TeeJay said:
I agree it's an awesome city ... to look at ... from a distance. Used to have no el problemo driving in the city. But getting there from Hamilton was always a challenge! :oops:
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I hear ya. I honestly don't know how people do it. Hubby and I went to T.O. last March for a concert. A friend offered to drive us. The traffic once we hit the Gardiner was absolutely brutal. And taking the 401 to get there is always a nightmare. Ugh.
 
Catballou said:
I hear ya. I honestly don't know how people do it. Hubby and I went to T.O. last March for a concert. A friend offered to drive us. The traffic once we hit the Gardiner was absolutely brutal. And taking the 401 to get there is always a nightmare. Ugh.
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It's bin many a yonk since I drove the Gardner, but in my day, it was one of the worstest city bypasses in the history of city bypasses! N' I don't imagine it's bin improved upon any since the last time I was sat on it, in total gridlock! I mean, there ain't no ROOM anywhere to improve it anyways.

My late wife, Sue's idea was to drastically reduce the amount of traffic congestion, through the relocation of Corporate Headquarters' n' stuff to different cities throughout Southern Ontario, n' ergo, away from Toronto. N' there ain't no shortage of perfectly good alternate locations around these parts (with the already built highway access) wot could use the boost to their economies, eh?
 

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