Friend doesn't respect my anxiety related to highway driving

Catballou said:
Thanks for your input, HoneyNut. I appreciate your comments.

To answer some of your questions: (1) No, she often doesn't treat me better when I'm a guest at her house. Especially after a few glasses of wine, she becomes critical, sarcastic and argumentative, challenging me on how I choose to live my life. She does this with other friends, too. A couple of them have severed ties with her. (2) I have put up with her behaviour for 50 years and now that I'm 65, I've reached a point in my life where I no longer wish to tolerate anyone treating me with disrespect, questioning my decisions and ridiculing me. Examples: She's commented on my weight, looked in my fridge and commented "Wow, you have so much food!" (implying we eat too much), always says nasty things about obese people (she's very attractive but obsessed with her looks), implied that I am lazy, criticized my career choices, called me a hypochondriac when I was going through some real health issues. She still works as a college instructor and has criticized me for "not doing anything" during my retirement, like travelling or volunteering. Meanwhile, I'm happy and content just enjoying life with my hubby, friends and family. The list goes on and on. None of my other close friends act like this. They don't judge me and love me for who I am, which is a kind and caring person who always tries to help and support them as best I can.

So, I'm the one who is changed. I've re-evaluated my friendships and decided that at this stage in my life I want to surround myself with people who lift me up and not bring me down. I will not end our 50-year friendship with this woman, but I'm sure not eager to spend as much time with her as I have in the past.
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Well, if you think life is long enough to waste time with people like that...........
The time spent with her could be spent with a decent friend.
 

When someone resorts to name calling or putting you down such as this, that's a deal breaker for me. I've dealt with too much of this. Your so called friend is completely insensitive and she's acting childish taking something that causes you anxiety personally.

When working PM shift my co-worker stated she was afraid to go home on the freeway. We lived in similar areas. She indicated that she thought it was less safe. I told her I felt going through town was less safe because of all the stoplights and you never know what weirdo could be lurking. I told her to be sure her doors are locked. It didn't make that much sense to me but if that's what worked for her, I had no right to put her down for it. I only went through town when it was very foggy.
 
In my opinion, the length of a friendship, and the individual’s positive character traits, pale in comparison to the barrage of longstanding verbal/emotional abuse. This is

a toxic person who clearly enjoys hurting others. The fact that she possesses a high level of intelligence makes it

highly unlikely she is unaware of the ramifications of her behaviour. She doesn’t care. It is all about her. She doesn’t want friends, she prefers acolytes.
 

@Catballou Sounds like you're going through a transition, rethinking friendships, etc. It can be confusing.

You yourself said she won't drop the subject unless you say you refuse to discuss it further. You could do that. Have you done that?

I understand that you don’t want to end the friendship. But you can put limits on it. If you don't want to drive there, you're not going to. End of.

I have certain lifestyle things that I refuse to discuss. When people ask me why I do or don't do something, I tell them up front that it's something I don't discuss. It's even better if they don't find out about it in the first place.

I think you're going in a good direction. Congratulations!
 
NorthernLight said:
@Catballou Sounds like you're going through a transition, rethinking friendships, etc. It can be confusing.

You yourself said she won't drop the subject unless you say you refuse to discuss it further. You could do that. Have you done that?

I understand that you don’t want to end the friendship. But you can put limits on it. If you don't want to drive there, you're not going to. End of.

I have certain lifestyle things that I refuse to discuss. When people ask me why I do or don't do something, I tell them up front that it's something I don't discuss. It's even better if they don't find out about it in the first place.

I think you're going in a good direction. Congratulations!
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I have told her I don't want to discuss it further, but she keeps bringing it up. She'll say something like, "I know you told me that you don't want to drive on highways, but I still don't really understand it." The last time she said this, I replied, "OMG, why do we have to discuss this again? I've already explained it's an anxiety issue." And she kept asking me more questions, trying to analyze me. I finally said, "Let's just drop it." But I know she'll eventually mention it again and likely tease or berate me.

And no, I am not going to drive there. I am very stubborn when I'm pushed to do something I don't want to do. She just wants to have her own way, like always.
 
Shalimar said:
In my opinion, the length of a friendship, and the individual’s positive character traits, pale in comparison to the barrage of longstanding verbal/emotional abuse. This is

a toxic person who clearly enjoys hurting others. The fact that she possesses a high level of intelligence makes it

highly unlikely she is unaware of the ramifications of her behaviour. She doesn’t care. It is all about her. She doesn’t want friends, she prefers acolytes.
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You're right, Shalimar. As I mentioned earlier, she "collects" people. She is a "social butterfly" who has many friends and acquaintances. People are attracted to her wit, humour, energy and charisma and she thrives on it. She's mentioned on more than one occasion that she categorizes her friends as such: There's an "A List" of very close, long-time friends. The "B List" is those she generally enjoys being with, but they're not as close. She recently told me she wanted to started "weeding out" the "B-Listers" that no longer add value to her life. With any luck, I will be on that list. LOL
 
I’m beginning to think it’s a male vs female call.
If a woman decide to stop doing something she once did, why should it be called ANXIETY ? when if a man made the same choice it would be labeled “GOOD JUDGMENT” .

Simply saying “I don’t care to do it any more” should be enough, with no further explanations demanded or required.
 
Shalimar said:
I think she may find the aging process to be quite challenging. At some point, beauty fades.
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Wow, you are so right! It's almost like you know her! She's admitted that she's terrified of aging. It's probably quite common for those who have been blessed with above-average looks. She's always been vain and it's important to her that people still find her attractive. In her younger days, she attracted men like a magnet. She's been married for 20 years to a great guy 10 years younger, but she still has a need to be validated for physical appearance.
 
Geezerette said:
I’m beginning to think it’s a male vs female call.
If a woman decide to stop doing something she once did, why should it be called ANXIETY ? when if a man made the same choice it would be labeled “GOOD JUDGMENT” .

Simply saying “I don’t care to do it any more” should be enough, with no further explanations demanded or required.
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Not sure I agree with that. In my case, it absolutely is anxiety and I'm open and honest about it.
 
Catballou said:
I have told her I don't want to discuss it further, but she keeps bringing it up. She'll say something like, "I know you told me that you don't want to drive on highways, but I still don't really understand it." The last time she said this, I replied, "OMG, why do we have to discuss this again? I've already explained it's an anxiety issue." And she kept asking me more questions, trying to analyze me. I finally said, "Let's just drop it." But I know she'll eventually mention it again and likely tease or berate me.

And no, I am not going to drive there. I am very stubborn when I'm pushed to do something I don't want to do. She just wants to have her own way, like always.
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Perhaps the next time she brings it up, tell her that you are getting worried that she may have a problem with her memory because she keeps forgetting that you already answered all these questions. Start teasing her about it and perhaps she will get the message and stop.
 
First of all, if you've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, then you're obviously trying as hard as you can. I would have a serious talk with your friend and see if you can convince her to take it easy on you and understand. In my opinion, she is being extremely insensitive, and if she continues to be, then I would just stop visiting her altogether. If you don't want to hurt her feelings, then you can use a little diplomacy. Tell her that you know she means no harm and that you're just not ready to drive on the highway just yet. She should be okay with that. However, if she's not okay with that, then you're going to need to find a new friend. If you're not ready to do it, then you're not ready to do it. There is no need to force yourself. To know more about anxiety and how to reduce it read one of my blogs from my page Norma Walton.
 

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