Friend upset over daughter's absence

debodun

debodun

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Location
way upstate in New York, USA
At our Bible study this week, a woman that regularly attends mentioned that her daughter, who is a freshman away at college, sent her an email saying she would not be coming back home for Christmas. Apparently the student was invited to a classmate's home for the holidays.

The woman is very upset and said this will be the first Christmas her daughter will not be home added to the fact it makes it seem like this classmate is more important than her own family. I don't know if the classmate is male or female.

I can see both sides in this, but curious to other opinions as to whether this woman is justified in her feelings, or should she just let go and realize her daughter is growing up and moving out on her own and making her own relationships? Personally, the only problem to me is that the daughter chose to tell mom about her plans in an offhanded email rather than a more personal telephone call.
 

Tough one. I am guessing first Christmas away from the nest? I am not a parent, so I do not have those emotions in my response, but I remember my days at college. I spread my wings a lot more, and tested my independence a lot. Yes, the time will come when the daughter will have her own life, and be spending less time at home.
Are there other children/family members who will be at home? You did not mention this in your post, but I would be concerned that mom will try to insist that daughter come home for holiday. How far away? Are there financial considerations to not making the trip?
As for the method of how she let mom know, I think it is just a part of the "kids these days" syndrome. They are so used to communication via email or text, daughter probably give it a second thought.
 
debodun said:
She really did not get into these details and I don't know her well enough to pry.
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You don't know her well; I don't see how it affects you. Sounds like something you overheard. At bible study it's probably best to focus on the bible. Her feelings are what they are. She doesn't have to justify them.
 
Yes unfortunately we've all had that pain in the heart the first time our children choose to spend what we think of as 'family time'' with someone else's family..or even a boyfriend or girlfriend...but it's all part of growing up.

I agree the daughter should have talked to her mum instead of an offhand email..however, it could be the daughter may have thought that mum would have been very upset and perhaps tried to talk her out of it... (sounds like she may have)... so Email may have been the less painful method for the daughter. Either way..mum, is going to have to start getting used to the fact that her daughter is now grown and beginning to find her own way in the world .
 
I think it is natural for a parent to feel hurt and I think it is natural for a young person to venture out into the world.

"The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them." - Frank A. Clark
 
I could see the daughter wanting to accept a Christmas invitation from her friend at college, and I think it was okay for her to tell her mom by email, better than saying nothing and just not showing up. The daughter is growing up and will have many relationships outside of the family. Your friend can be a little upset over it, but must know it's time to cut the apron strings and not take it to heart. Hopefully she won't make the daughter feel guilty over it either.
 
I think the daughter’s behaviour is fine. She informed her mom ahead of time, that is all that is required, IMO. Mom will miss spending Xmas with her, but part of parenting is learning to let go.
 
Tough when your kids find other things in life more important than mom and dad. Have to grin and bear it but be there with open arms when they do want to be home with you. I think it's a natural process of life.
 
Not knowing all the details it is hard to make a call but I do know I had a terrible time with the empty nest syndrome when my daughter got married. Especially that first Christmas. I have since come to terms with it and now that they are about 5 hours away we see them often and our relationship is better than ever. I tell myself she has a wonderful marriage,two great little kids and is very happy. Who could ask for anything more. I do wonder if the lady will be alone for the holiday if her daughter doesn't come. That would make it very hard.
 
I agree with Shali and Debbie above. It's a natural part of life to want to leave the nest. I think mom would be wise not to make too big a deal of it -- dumping guilt on the daughter will serve no purpose but to alienate her.
 
debodun said:
I can see both sides in this, but curious to other opinions as to whether this woman is justified in her feelings, or should she just let go and realize her daughter is growing up and moving out on her own and making her own relationships?
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You can be justified in your feelings and still let things go. It's called life.
 
It’s hard to realise other people have become more important to your children than you are but we all go through it and have to let go, this lady’s daughter may have found it easier to let her know by e mail rather than have a conversation, guessing her mom wouldn’t be too happy about it
 
Debodun - Thank you for caring about your friend. Her feelings are only natural, as is the daughter's need to become independent. Certainly, almost all of us have been through both sides of this. Also, for those who don't know, Bible Study groups are also support groups where we can share our feelings with our like-minded friends. Are we not commanded to love one another?
 
Your friend's feelings are natural, but she needs to let it go. If her daughter gets married, is she going to insist that the couple HAS to come to her house for Xmas?

I married an only child; was I supposed to ignore his parents wanting to see him at Christmas? Like most married couples do these days, we alternated holidays between the sets of in-laws.

I had to insist on being fair.....because my spouse PREFERS my family, LOL!
 
I can understand her feeling upset but our children grow up. Part of that process is wanting to spend time with friends and deviating from the "same ole same ole" and a lot of times going their own way....away from family. Since her daughter has spent every single Christmas with her family, I don't see why she shouldn't have the opportunity to spend it with a friend this year.
 
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Do colleges still have a prolonged winter break ?

If so, the daughter could have done what many married children do...
celebrate Christmas with both sets of parents but at different times.
 
We don't know the relationship between the mother and daughter so I can't say what's going on here.

What I will say is that for many grown children, changing the relationship dynamic is a healthy process that moves them away from being dependent. Hopefully parents who are dependent on their children are able to make the same changes.
 
Over the past few years that has happened to us. They started their own lives and for a couple of years we tried to keep our family traditions going but eventually they ended or changed from what they were for so many years.

It was sad but it was also very satisfying seeing them becoming adults. We still have lots of memories and pictures of days gone by to happily reflect upon.
 

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