Getting married, (or getting married again), and what path would you choose to advise others to do?

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
My father used to be fond of asking my mother, "Would you marry me again Mrs G"?

The same question might be framed a little differently as in, "If you had your time over again would you marry me"?

Now we can't live our lives with the benefit of hindsight, so all anyone can try to do is make the right decision, (for the right reasons), but many have probably questioned themselves as my father tried to question my mother.

Btw my mother never fell for the question, or bothered answering it, because she knew the primary reason my dad asked it was in order to have his ego flattered, (thinking he knew very well she would, as they both would have done I'm very glad to say, though I never once heard one say to the other that they loved them, whilst doing so completely of course!).

Note: To assist the thread I'll reframe from answering the title question myself, and any other questions anyone might ask, but may pop back to post " helpful comments" or sources of information related to the topic. :)
 

If I were considering another marriage, I would insist that we both make it clear what we each want from the partnership. It is a fact that many men marry in order to have an unpaid housekeeper. With age comes the prospect of being someone's carer.
No matter how mature and sensible a young person is, they are unlikely to have had enough experience of human nature to understand why people act as they do.
Also, as I've said before, do make sure you see your other half with their family. It can tell you so much about them.
 
I would question the statement "It IS a fact that many men marry .........." ,but perhaps agree that it WAS a fact. As a child, it seemed to be the accepted order that the father worked and the mother stayed at home, did the housekeeping and looked after the children. The 'Man of the house', earned the money and the wife had his dinner ready when he got home. I probably carried some of that belief when I got married, but gradually realised that I was wrong or at best, out of touch. OK, what advice would I give?

1. Marriage is a partnership of equals. OK, maybe the roles are different, but you both have to make it work.
2. As well as each other, you need some degree of independence - financial and social.
3. If you get married, it's YOUR wedding. It's not a big party for a bunch of freeloaders. Have the wedding YOU want, not what mummy thinks would be nice so she could show off her fancy hat. (This is a sore point with Mrs. L and me - we both felt like gatecrashers at someone else's party).
4. Above all, make sure that you can afford to live. There's an old proverb.. when poverty comes in the door, love flies out the window.
 

Lavinia said:
If I were considering another marriage, I would insist that we both make it clear what we each want from the partnership. It is a fact that many men marry in order to have an unpaid housekeeper. With age comes the prospect of being someone's carer. No matter how mature and sensible a young person is, they are unlikely to have had enough experience of human nature to understand why people act as they do. Also, as I've said before, do make sure you see your other half with their family. It can tell you so much about them.
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You sound like a very organised person, and as you say you're looking for someone who could be described as self disciplined, and able to know and express what they wanted, (so no fool essentially, shame that there's so many fools about! :) ).
There you are, hopefully no one offended, and the discussion can flow as necessary, (and its only taken me twenty years to manage to do this!).
 
Don't get married too soon. Live together first for a lot of years and see if you can still stand each other. I you can give it more time and see if that is till true. After that, if you are still interested, make the union a marriage because then you are legally married. A broken marriage is a legal entanglement that is a pain to unravel in a lot of cases.
 
Chet said:
Don't get married too soon. Live together first for a lot of years and see if you can still stand each other. I you can give it more time and see if that is till true. After that, if you are still interested, make the union a marriage because then you are legally married. A broken marriage is a legal entanglement that is a pain to unravel in a lot of cases.
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A friend of mine who had studied psychology, (and was a bright guy generally), had views on all this.
He suggested anyone believing they could keep their emotions out of a relationship, or "under control", (as a " trial marriage" might indicate is possible), is kidding themselves.
 
grahamg said:
You sound like a very organised person, and as you say you're looking for someone who could be described as self disciplined, and able to know and express what they wanted, (so no fool essentially, shame that there's so many fools about! :) ).
There you are, hopefully no one offended, and the discussion can flow as necessary, (and its only taken me twenty years to manage to do this!).
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I'm wise with the benefit of hindsight, as so many of us are!
 
Pepper said:
As well as money problems can tear a relationship apart, cause fighting, tension, etc. And yes, equal but different.
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My thoughts on money and relationships is yes I'm sure the link you suggest is a factor, (though of course they used to say two could live more cheaply than one), but there is another aspect.

Money can be an issue not just because there's a shortage, but also if a couple aren't in tune as to the way they might spend what they have, or whether they choose to save some of it for a rainy day, (having life too easy maybe isn't always good for either of you?)!
 
My first wife and I met in high school when we were 16, and dated for 2 years, through our junior and senior years. I met her family, she met mine, and we spent a lot of time together. We talked about careers, where and how we wanted to live, about kids; we were sure we covered all the important stuff, that we knew each other as well as 2 people could, and we were totally in love. We married soon after she graduated high school. (I opted to graduate early)

One of the things we didn't expect or plan for is that one of us would decide to take an entirely different path - one that was never discussed or even imagined.
 
Chet said:
Don't get married too soon. Live together first for a lot of years and see if you can still stand each other. I you can give it more time and see if that is till true. After that, if you are still interested, make the union a marriage because then you are legally married. A broken marriage is a legal entanglement that is a pain to unravel in a lot of cases.
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Sounds good to me.
 
Marriage isn't Easy. It requires Both people working together and trying to find a compromise when "issues" come up. Domestic violence, alcoholism, drug use, and a "me first" attitude, etc., are sure ways to wind up in divorce court. Over 40% of todays marriages end in divorce and often leave both parties financially stressed.
I guess we're lucky....we will have our 57th anniversary this Summer, and in spite of our share of "spats", we still get along good.
 
There is a wonderful and very long running show on BBC radio 4 called "Desert Island discs".
A royal romance was one aspect discussed, (the royal couple marrying at York Minster in 1961).
The point of mentioning it is the young couple, shortly after they had met, when he was a young army officer, is that the couple were told they were too young to marry, or decide anything about their futures together, and they were asked to agree to part company for a length of time, (or told to do so!), and in the end their separation lasted four years.
Obviously the idea was very much to test their love for one another, and they did exchange love letters during their prolonged separation, and of course it all ended up very happily, (though she remembers to enforced separation as a painful experience, whilst admitting they were too young initially).
Unfortunately I fell asleep before the end of the radio show, so cannot be entirely sure who the royal couple were, (though "Her Highness", coming from Yorkshire, etc., indicates it was the Duke and Duchess of Kent being referred to, or involved).

There we have it, those royals certainly didn't take " young love" as a given did they, or for granted.
 
Don M. said:
Marriage isn't Easy. It requires Both people working together and trying to find a compromise when "issues" come up. Domestic violence, alcoholism, drug use, and a "me first" attitude, etc., are sure ways to wind up in divorce court. Over 40% of todays marriages end in divorce and often leave both parties financially stressed.
I guess we're lucky....we will have our 57th anniversary this Summer, and in spite of our share of "spats", we still get along good.
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You're probably more than just " lucky",(though certainly that), and must be a good pair together, and you've given us all a pretty much perfect picture of the realities, and benefits of a successful marriage! :)

One of my reasons for starting this thread was the fact the numbers of men and women getting married in the UK has fallen yet again, and is at the lowest level since records began being kept in 1888, (so Victorian times, when of course our population was much smaller).

Anyone thinking that is a good thing in whatever way has got some convincing to do, and no doubt many will point to a range of factors leading to this situation, though our UK government recently making divorce much much quicker and easier doesn't seem like a recipe for strengthening the institution of marriage does it! :(
 
After being married for 38 years, If my hubby transitioned before me..I am not sure if I would marry again. I have a lot of Love to give and receive, therefore I would have a special person in my life - however, not sure if I would marry again. He would have his own place and I would have mine. BUT, if we were on the same energy level and Mentally Spiritual connected - I may consider marriage. Would definitely have to consider his financial situation being that I am up in age and not looking to have financial struggles.. been there can write a book.
 
My first husband and I eloped after dating for one month. That was my "marry in haste repent at leisure" lesson learned every day until we divorced 10 years later. The next time I stuck to my resolve of dating for one year before marriage. We've been married 43 years, same thing only longer.
 
Getting married, (or getting married again), and what path would you choose to advise others to do?
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Me personally- if my wife precedes me, I would at some point want some company, but quite frankly...I've enjoyed marriage but would not be of a mind to take another walk to the alter again. I'd advise others to do what fits their desires.
 

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