Grandchildren living far away

Just now had a wonderfully long call with them over FaceTime. My son called us. Both grandchildren were engaged and seemed to be interested in talking with us. They seem genuinely interested in stories about their father and liked seeing his old bedroom, even though it looks nothing like it did when our son was living here. It was so nice to have them interacting with us, showing us their toys and asking questions. I showed them pictures from last year when we were all together.

Here are two recent pics, just so you know who I'm talking about. :)

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Bobw235 said:
Just now had a wonderfully long call with them over FaceTime. My son called us. Both grandchildren were engaged and seemed to be interested in talking with us. They seem genuinely interested in stories about their father and liked seeing his old bedroom, even though it looks nothing like it did when our son was living here. It was so nice to have them interacting with us, showing us their toys and asking questions. I showed them pictures from last year when we were all together.

Here are two recent pics, just so you know who I'm talking about. :)

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That's just great, Bob. Good looking kids. I think I detect a BobW smile back there.
 

QuickSilver said:
I agree... and that's why I disinvested myself. Why spend what's left of my life pining for what I don't have, when I do have a lot to be thankful for. You just can't be sad all the time can you? It's hard to live that way and I have refused to do so. I have what I think is a good relationship with my son. Of course it's not the same as having a daughter.. We speak on the phone or text.. but not every day... and not even every week.. But he contacted me last week and asked if we would be home this Sunday so he can bring the kids over. My older son is going to visit too so he can see his brother and his niece and nephews.. We probably will go out to dinner.. I know how it will go.. I will ask the kids about what's going on with them.. They will say "nothing"... I will ask about school.... they will say.. "it's ok"... I will ask all the usual things and they will give one word answers and go back to their video games. I'll run out of things to say, and I'll check in here... It is what it is.
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I know my sister wishes she had made the same wise decision you did.
 
Ruthanne said:
Really cute grandkids Bob! I bet you miss them a whole lot.
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Thanks Ruthanne. We do miss them, especially now that they're at a fun age. Last year was a blast being with them for two weeks in a beautiful location (St. Ives in Cornwall, England). We were all under one roof. It was fun yesterday hearing my little granddaughter trying to make my wife laugh. She said "I love you, Grandma" at the end of the call, and our grandson said he enjoyed talking with us. Their accents are so much more pronounced now.
 
I think the problem with labels on people who have issues, is that they only describe outward behaviours but say absolutely nothing about whatever the inner, mental torment of that person might be.

It's 'easy' to sympathize with someone who's been diagnosed with a mental illness, and it's easy to judge someone who's 'difficult'. The problem is that the difficult person may be dealing with mental 'stuff' that is neither visible nor something they can talk about and which you, with your healthy mind may feel is silly and insignificant. But to that person, it may be a mountain that they feel they can't overcome.

I think in a situation like you're dealing with Bob, the best thing that both you and your wife can do is just let your son and your daughter in law know that whatever comes, you're door is open to them because you love them and your grandchildren. And when those moments come when even one of them steps through that door like your son did recently, then just soak it up and enjoy it and be positive and loving because it sets the stage for the next time they might want to come 'through that door'.
 
And Bob, here's an idea for your wife to consider and one that I'm going to start practising with my grandkids as next year we will be moving away from them. My granddaughter loves all things 'kitty' so starting this week, I am going to make a point of sending her a little card, or a picture or maybe a little toy that depicts cute kitties once a month. And as she learns to read, the cards will have age appropriate messages from me to her. My grandson will be a little harder to do because I don't think I've ever seen a Star Wars card or computer game cards but I'll try to find little things to send him too. And as they grow up, they will always know that Grandma was thinking about them and their interests, that I was interested in the things they are interested in. And it will help me to feel good about being involved in their lives even though there's distance between us because I'll be looking out for little special reminders of love. And as your grandchildren are willing to talk to you on the phone, the cards are a continual reminder that you love to talk with them too because you can say something like, 'I can hardly wait till our next chat on the phone...' or something like that.

Maybe your wife would enjoy adding something like this to your current relationship with the little ones? And it seems to me, that maybe over time, your daughter in law might even be moved out of whatever inner turmoil she's dealing with, to take a tentative step through that door too:rolleyes:. Stranger things have happened in this very strange world.
 
Debby said:
And Bob, here's an idea for your wife to consider and one that I'm going to start practising with my grandkids as next year we will be moving away from them. My granddaughter loves all things 'kitty' so starting this week, I am going to make a point of sending her a little card, or a picture or maybe a little toy that depicts cute kitties once a month. And as she learns to read, the cards will have age appropriate messages from me to her. My grandson will be a little harder to do because I don't think I've ever seen a Star Wars card or computer game cards but I'll try to find little things to send him too. And as they grow up, they will always know that Grandma was thinking about them and their interests, that I was interested in the things they are interested in. And it will help me to feel good about being involved in their lives even though there's distance between us because I'll be looking out for little special reminders of love. And as your grandchildren are willing to talk to you on the phone, the cards are a continual reminder that you love to talk with them too because you can say something like, 'I can hardly wait till our next chat on the phone...' or something like that.

Maybe your wife would enjoy adding something like this to your current relationship with the little ones? And it seems to me, that maybe over time, your daughter in law might even be moved out of whatever inner turmoil she's dealing with, to take a tentative step through that door too:rolleyes:. Stranger things have happened in this very strange world.
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Thanks Debby. We'll be continuing to send over cards and letters of course. Also, our son just set up a joint email address for them so that they can get used to the idea of hearing from us this way too. Our grandson dictated to his father what to write after seeing our initial note. I think this will be fun for them. We can send funny pictures, short videos and other things to capture their interest. Still hoping that our son will convince his wife that visiting us with our grandson this summer will be a good thing for all of us. Fingers crossed.
 
Since several of you were kind enough to offer your thoughts and opinions in this thread, I thought you might like an update.

Today I received a lengthy email from my daughter-in-law with a litany of grievances against us going back some five years. What it points out is how the lack of communication when one feels slighted or has an issue with another person can lead to festering resentment and mistrust.

It ended on a hopeful note that we might find our way towards reconciliation and a better relationship. She stressed that she wants us in the lives of her children and she's pleased that we write to them frequently and make the effort to chat via FaceTime.

Where this goes from here is anyone's guess, but at least it's a step in the right direction. She and our son have proposed that we visit over the in England at a place called Centre Parcs, where we could spend time with just our son and both grandkids. I'll have to do some research on the place. I know my son has spoken highly of it in the past. Any of the UK folks have any thoughts about Centre Parcs as a destination?

Again, I value the input from this diverse group as I navigate this difficult topic.
 
Wow Bob, I am surprised, pleasantly so. Perhaps your DIL is not completely intractable after all. Sad that she has a litany of grievances going back five years, but it is a positive step that she is interested in having you and your wife involved in your

grandchildren's lives. Expressing a desire for reconciliation is a huge plus also. I think the idea of you visiting your son and grandson on a more neutral ground could well be a step in the right direction. Perhaps in time, she will feel sufficiently secure to


permit them to visit you stateside. I applaud your honesty in expressing your feelings to your son, perhaps he listened on a deeper level than was apparent. I would however suggest a modicum of caution. Give your DIL the benefit of the

doubt, meet her halfway, etc, but if she truly is a narcissist, manipulation, misdirection, and control are her go to patterns whenever she feels slighted/insecure. Smoke and mirrors are a definite possibility. Best of luck. I hope this is the beginning of a new relationship for you all.
 
Just updating this thread with a few quick notes. My wife keeps a daily journal, so she used it to respond to various things that our daughter-in-law brought up in her email. Separately I wrote to her and got some things off my chest, while offering up the hope that we can make peace or at least get along better. Of course, she immediately seized upon a phrase in my letter where I thanked her for responding "at long last", which didn't go over well according to my son. So, we'll see where it goes from here.

In more positive news, my wife and I went to our local library today and took out 11 books that we'll read and record on video for the grandchildren. Then we'll post them on YouTube (with restricted viewing) so that they can watch them on their TV at home. Should be fun. Book number one is tomorrow, "Ten Big Toes and a Prince's Nose". I'll report back on how it goes.
 
Bobw235 said:
Since several of you were kind enough to offer your thoughts and opinions in this thread, I thought you might like an update.

Today I received a lengthy email from my daughter-in-law with a litany of grievances against us going back some five years. What it points out is how the lack of communication when one feels slighted or has an issue with another person can lead to festering resentment and mistrust.

It ended on a hopeful note that we might find our way towards reconciliation and a better relationship. She stressed that she wants us in the lives of her children and she's pleased that we write to them frequently and make the effort to chat via FaceTime.

Where this goes from here is anyone's guess, but at least it's a step in the right direction. She and our son have proposed that we visit over the in England at a place called Centre Parcs, where we could spend time with just our son and both grandkids. I'll have to do some research on the place. I know my son has spoken highly of it in the past. Any of the UK folks have any thoughts about Centre Parcs as a destination?

Again, I value the input from this diverse group as I navigate this difficult topic.
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You are absolutely right Bob. I had the same experience with my mom except it was slights that she had felt for 20 years! Things like when she would leave our place, we would say goodbye in the foyer and then when she was out on the porch we'd close the door instead of standing in the driveway waving her goodbye. She never mentioned it, but it bugged her although not enough to ever bring it up and talk it out. The other one that annoyed me a bit was that when she would drop in when the kids were really little and I wouldn't immediately call the children because Grandma was there. But seriously, I also made a point of not calling them immediately because if I did, she'd completely ignore any discussion with me and I was starved for adult conversation. After all, I've never had a wealth of friends and days on end with only toddlers to talk to, makes you cherish any adult who will talk to you instead of whining and asking for stuff and then crying! But she never asked, we never talked it out and like you said, it festered.

It seems like this kind of thing always festers until the pressure is too much and then someone finally says something. I have heard that talking it out can make it better. That wasn't my experience although I tried repeatedly to work it out with her after she finally spewed all the angst of 20 years, but I'm not everyone. Good luck to you and your 'kids'.
 
Shalimar said:
Wow Bob, I am surprised, pleasantly so. Perhaps your DIL is not completely intractable after all. Sad that she has a litany of grievances going back five years, but it is a positive step that she is interested in having you and your wife involved in your

grandchildren's lives. Expressing a desire for reconciliation is a huge plus also. I think the idea of you visiting your son and grandson on a more neutral ground could well be a step in the right direction. Perhaps in time, she will feel sufficiently secure to


permit them to visit you stateside. I applaud your honesty in expressing your feelings to your son, perhaps he listened on a deeper level than was apparent. I would however suggest a modicum of caution. Give your DIL the benefit of the

doubt, meet her halfway, etc, but if she truly is a narcissist, manipulation, misdirection, and control are her go to patterns whenever she feels slighted/insecure. Smoke and mirrors are a definite possibility. Best of luck. I hope this is the beginning of a new relationship for you all.
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Excellent advice Shalimar.
 
I feel for you and your wife. It's something I'm living with my youngest son. My son has lived in New Mexico for the past 11 yrs. His (mate) so I call, has made his life down right miserable. She posted a picture of her new boyfriend on FB. I thought looking at it, it's a joke, then it says, he is being domesticated. Son didn't know a thing about it. He has one biological daughter, and a step daughter he adores. Same with her that is her Daddy. Her biological father left the delivery room when she was born, never to be seen again. My son knew her when she was four yrs. old.She is 10yrs this month. The job he had didn't work out well, and this with a new boyfriend in the picture did it. I still keep in contact and there also on my FB the g-grandparents, and keep an open line for the mom. I want her to know I'm here, and she is my friend on my FB. Even though I've cried many tears about it. My son left, saying to her "Your A Cold Person." He got in the car and his little girl ran after him for one last hug. Hearing that really broke my heart. He's now living with me in Fl. Were getting child support payments set and ready to go. All changes of address. All I can offer in advice is keep an open line, to son, wife, children, even her parents. Right now I'm an Internet Bube (grandma):love_heart:
 
I've got a DIL from hell. And my family lives in the US so I only see them on my long annual trips. My son and his wife are splitting up and his wife is being difficult about a trip that's been planned for years - oldest granddaughter who will be 12 next summer is supposed to spend 3 or 4 weeks on her own with us. First DIL said she didn't want her to fly alone (I'd pay for a hand-holder for her) and we'd fly back with her. She said she fears the plane would crash and her daughter would die alone (and her daughter heard this). So son said he'd fly over with both the girls and stay a week, leaving the oldest one with us. Now DIL is saying she doesn't want her to go.

My son says he will have visitation rights (he's in the process of moving out now) and that a judge can order her to let them fly here. I have a feeling DIL is going make things difficult. But her oldest daughter and I are close and she has been looking forward to her trip to see Nana in Scotland for years.
 
So, we wrote back to our DIL and about two weeks ago got a reply in which she said that she was cutting off direct contact with us. DIL stated that since she and our son would be divorcing at some point, she didn't see the point of trying to keep a relationship with us. Also made it clear that the kids are never coming to the states without her. If at some point they do come over, she'll accompany them with our son and once here, she'll go off on her own while we vacation with them. So that essentially means it will be years before we see them over here, forcing us to travel to the UK if we want to visit, and only where she designates.

In the interim she's set up a FB page for the kids and set the privacy such that only family and some close friends can see the pictures, so at least we're getting that.

The idea I had mentioned in a prior post about recording stories for them on video has gone over big time! Each recording is about 4-7 minutes in length and we focus the camera on the book so that the kids can see the pictures. We've been uploading these to YouTube but made them "unlisted" so that only our son can access them since he's the only one with the link. I put them all in a playlist so the stories are all in one spot. The reaction from the kids has been great. We have a bunch of books that we're about to record. Our local library is great with a wonderful collection of stories for children.

So, I guess we'll be going to England next year, but I think we'll combine it with a much larger trip, perhaps to some other destination like Iceland or perhaps Switzerland. I don't see the DIL situation getting any better and at least we now know that she has no desire to make things better. It's sad, but that's the reality.
 
Ameriscot said:
Didn't you say you were planning a trip in the near future to the UK and will visit the family? And solid plans yet?
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We'd been trying to get my son and our grandson to visit us here, but as you'll see in something I just posted, that's not happening. Our DIL wants us to vacation over in the UK, specifically at Centre Parcs in Cumbria (Whinfell Forest). We'll probably go over next year and vacation with our son and the kids when they're out of school.
 

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