Grief - It Just Never Gets Better

M

MaddHollander

Member
IMG_0257.jpegMy wife succumbed to pulmonary fibrosis, pulmonary hypertension and TP53 leukemia 4 years ago and today would have been her 73rd birthday.

Everyone, everyone has told me grieving gets easier with time, even the therapists who gave me tools to control my emotions instead of my emotions controlling me, but bursts of anger, guilt and loneliness can overpower and cripple.

No diversionary tactic for grief will work on special days; the holidays, anniversaries and especially on birthdays.

I left a stuffed animal at her grave today. Doing that made me feel good, but going home to an empty house, missing her smile, missing her joy, even missing her anger at me is unbearable.

It just never gets better. I would never wish anything like this on anyone.
 

I'd go for a replacement as soon as emotionally possible but then do introductions between the deceased and the living [ no joking serious?}
 

Having TP53 is a terrible way to die and I am very sorry that your wife had to go through this. I hope you are taking care of yourself with eating and sleeping properly. We all have to go on. Other people still want you around, especially family members. This is the way life works. Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair.

I wish the best for you.
 
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Grief may not ever get better but time has a way of taking the raw edges off. We all have ways to compartmentalize grief – it helps us navigate our loss and facilitates healing while continuing to live our daily lives. I was happy to see you leave the stuffed animal at your wife’s gravesite. That was you and her time. Do more of this. 🤗
 
MACKTEXAS said:
It's been 11 years for me. People have told me things like "your good memories will bring you comfort.'' That's true only to a point. If I look too closely at the memories or dwell on them, I get overwhelmed.
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This is so true.
I deal with it by sort of keeping it in a box inside trying to keep it locked to cope with daily life without thinking too much, but it has a habit of springing open unexpectedly, by a trigger( a tune on the car radio, all kinds of seemingly trivial things) sometimes at inconvenient times & tears come when you least want them to in public.
 
Devastating loss is unbearable. We never get over the grief, never get past it, we instead learn to grow around the ragged hole that loss leaves us with just so that we can function.

I am just barely existing in my own life, feel like a spectator to it rather than a participant in it. I’m in my life but not actually living it. I am literally taken to my knees when the loss hits me unexpectedly. I am unbearably heavy with the weight of my grief and loss.

I am truly sorry for what you’re dealing with @MaddHollander 💔

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The anniversary of their deaths are the hardest; for me. I attended a bereavement group two years ago and I realized what I was feeling was normal and I felt comfort in that. I feel like I turned a corner after that and I am able to remember the good times rather than focusing on the end. I keep busy volunteering and connecting with friends. I have no desire to find someone new. I am just living life as it is in the here and now.
 
@MaddHollander, please accept my sincerest condolences on the loss of your beloved wife.

When my mother died unexpectedly, my father was distraught. He was not only devastated but also wracked with guilt because she'd fallen and he hadn't been there to help her. I won't get into details because I don't want to derail the thread, but watching his grief was excruciating. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I wish I had some wise words that would comfort you. I do agree with others that 4 years is a comparatively short time. I hope at some point the pain does ease a bit.
 
@MaddHollander:
As others have said, I don't think that the grief ever ends completely and in some ways I hope that it never does end completely.
But it does change for the better if we can allow it to. I know that there isn't a day goes by that I don't think of my wife, and my daughter. They have been gone almost two years now. I find more and more that when I think about them I find it easier to think of all of the good memories I have of them and how much those memories have shaped my life now. I know that they both want me to continue living a good life to the best of my abilities.
I also find that I am fortunate that I have my little Jack Russell Harper still with me. She was such a big part of Annie's life over her last few years just by laying with her and having body contact with her as much as she could. I now feel as though she is a true connection between myself and Annie. I can't look at her without thinking about how much she meant to Annie and somehow this makes me feel good, not depressed.
I know this may not make sense to some, but it works for me.
I do hope that you can find something, or someone in your life now that can provide you with a similar happy connection to your wife that might bring you some joy when you think of her.
 
OldFeller said:
It takes a minimum of 5 years for people to change. It was 5 years before my grief started to subside.
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It’s been 4-1/2 months since hubby passed. I reached out to the hospice grief counselor telling her I need 6 months before I can start dealing with everything. She kinda chuckled and said it takes a minimum of 5 years if not longer for most people and to give myself grace.
 
  • "Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve."
    Earl Grollman
There is no time limit on grief. We each travel that road in our own time. I don't believe true grief ever ends.
 
Had a friend overseas that lost her husband to a stroke at 40 - she would call me for "grief therapy"... I told her that grief comes in waves and when it hits you...you just have to ride with it not "handle" it. Its like a house that became flooded, every day you take buckets of water out of your house and it seems you haven't made progress... then one day you take the last bucket full of water out and the good memories seem to be able to take over.

I do believe:
Life is real! Life is earnest! And the grave is not its goal" comes from the poem "A Psalm of Life" by Henry Wadsworth
 
squatting dog said:
Everyday... Don't let anyone tell you different:cry:



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In the first year after my wife died, the only people I could tolerate were those in my support group who were suffering the same loss of a spouse.
Family and friends who still had their spouse tried to offer condolences but their words seemed so empty. They had no idea what I was going through.
 
MACKTEXAS said:
I hate it when someone says, "I know how you feel." Even if they have lost a spouse themselves, they do not know how I feel.
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Actually, they do. Nobody goes unmoved by the experience. If they are years past their own loss, they may appear to be superficial in saying that. But they know. Some people, especially those who have maintained many of the same friends over the years, rebound well because their life has many dimensions of connection with others. A woman I knew in grade school and am now FB friends with remarried and has a whole new life. That works for someone who is easy with people.
 
OldFeller said:
Actually, they do. Nobody goes unmoved by the experience. If they are years past their own loss, they may appear to be superficial in saying that. But they know. Some people, especially those who have maintained many of the same friends over the years, rebound well because their life has many dimensions of connection with others. A woman I knew in grade school and am now FB friends with remarried and has a whole new life. That works for someone who is easy with people.
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FROM "THE GRIEF RECOVERY METHOD"

FROM HEARTLINKS GRIEF CENTER
 

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