Guilt

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submarinepilot

New Member
hi everyone. My first time here. just learning the ropes. My wife of 40 years passed away this year. I expected to be sad and all that. Something I was surprised about was guilt. I should have taken her out more often, been more generous, went on more trips.....that kind of thing. I'm guessing this is common...when should I expect the guilt to ease up?
 

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Condolensces on the death of your wife... may she R.I.P

What country are you in ?
 

Welcome, submarine pilot. Condolences on the loss of your wife. This month it will be 7 years since my daughter-in-law passed away, and my son still isn't over it all. But, I encouraged him to join a bereavement group, and he now is a bereavement counselor. That, alone, has been very cathartic for him and his groups love him. Everyone has his or her own timeline in getting beyond the guilt and whatever else feelings. Be patient and think of the good times you did have together. Stay with us and we'll help you out.
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Welcome!
It’s coming up on 1 year since my husband passed. I’m more at peace or acceptance now. For me when those thoughts of guilt or should haves come to mind, I remind myself that the story has been told and the chapter has been written. There’s no going back. We are usually hardest on ourselves. Give yourself grace and like Pinky said earlier, think of good times.
 
Welcome Submarinepilot! You'll find lots of regretful and guilt ridden people here. I wasn't nice enough to my mother while she was alive (to name one guilt) and I regret the hundred or so bad choices in my life. My sleepless nights are made up of fantasies where I do better.


I do try to remind myself that if I had done something different the results might have been just as bad or worse.
 
Welcome. Condolences. Agree with most of the advice above.
Moving on is often a matter of taking one step at time. (Facing and accepting feelings but eventually putting less emphasis on the negative ones and living your best life with what you have.

Explore SF has something for everyone i think. Many of show up on several of the subject related forums, a few concentrate on just one or two. Some of us disappear for days, weeks, months than resurface. Participate in ways that fit your interests and nature.
 
I feel for what you're going through. For what it's worth, feelings of guilt are common after such a loss. I was caregiver for my wife during her final days, and experienced it myself. We aren't perfect people, but as as long as we did the best we could, that's all we could do. In time, these feelings will pass.

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Yes, the guilt is common like the ongoing pain that feels like it will never abate. I have never lost a spouse but other loved ones. For guilt, the easing of it can have three parts:
  • Time, which lessens the feeling
  • Acceptance, where you recognize that it will continue to arise
  • Assertiveness, where you begin to confidently subdue it whenever it arises
The timing of the assertiveness phase is highly personal. Only you will know when it's time.

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submarinepilot said:
hi everyone. My first time here. just learning the ropes. My wife of 40 years passed away this year. I expected to be sad and all that. Something I was surprised about was guilt. I should have taken her out more often, been more generous, went on more trips.....that kind of thing. I'm guessing this is common...when should I expect the guilt to ease up?
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Welcome! Sorry for your loss. Thanks for mentioning guilt. Sometimes we feel we are alone and the only ones experiencing guilt or regret. Knowing it is common helps us all.
 
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