Have You Ever Had A One Way Relationship?

Ruthanne said:
Please don't make me feel any stupider than I already feel with your replies but thanks in advance for them.

Have you ever had a relationship with someone where you do all the giving and get virtually nothing in return? I wasn't actually looking for much but friendship from this man. All of our conversations revolved around him and his health problems all the time. We did go out to dinner twice and once he paid and once I did. This friendship has been going on for about 5 years currently but I have known him for 50 years although we hadn't always been in contact.

I have listened and listened and listened and given empathy and understanding and suggestions at times but he never listens to suggestions nor does he have any answers to his problems and just keeps on bitching and moaning. I can hardly take listening anymore. I guess I'm just fed up because it's the same old crap all the time and nothing else. I have told him I can't listen to any more problems. Thanks for listening to me vent.
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Yes I have and feel bad about it.
It hurts deeply. Seems all my relationships were that way.
Very sad way to deal with the outcome.
Could have left a lot sooner.
With children it's sad.
 

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Ruthanne said:
Please don't make me feel any stupider than I already feel with your replies but thanks in advance for them.

Have you ever had a relationship with someone where you do all the giving and get virtually nothing in return? I wasn't actually looking for much but friendship from this man. All of our conversations revolved around him and his health problems all the time. We did go out to dinner twice and once he paid and once I did. This friendship has been going on for about 5 years currently but I have known him for 50 years although we hadn't always been in contact.

I have listened and listened and listened and given empathy and understanding and suggestions at times but he never listens to suggestions nor does he have any answers to his problems and just keeps on bitching and moaning. I can hardly take listening anymore. I guess I'm just fed up because it's the same old crap all the time and nothing else. I have told him I can't listen to any more problems. Thanks for listening to me vent.
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You deserve a man friend who cares about you and not all about him.
 
Lara said:
1. A relationship of one is not a relationship. It's all about him.

2. There are "vampires" in the world who will suck the joy out of you.
I'm sure he's a nice man, just with self-absorbed issues, but you get my drift

3. You're doing the right thing to distance yourself. It's time for some "You"
because "You is kind, you is smart, you is important" (from "The Help")... Hugs
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I agree with @Lara and @hollydolly. Be kind to yourself.
 
Ruthanne said:
Please don't make me feel any stupider than I already feel with your replies but thanks in advance for them.

Have you ever had a relationship with someone where you do all the giving and get virtually nothing in return? I wasn't actually looking for much but friendship from this man. All of our conversations revolved around him and his health problems all the time. We did go out to dinner twice and once he paid and once I did. This friendship has been going on for about 5 years currently but I have known him for 50 years although we hadn't always been in contact.

I have listened and listened and listened and given empathy and understanding and suggestions at times but he never listens to suggestions nor does he have any answers to his problems and just keeps on bitching and moaning. I can hardly take listening anymore. I guess I'm just fed up because it's the same old crap all the time and nothing else. I have told him I can't listen to any more problems. Thanks for listening to me vent.
Click to expand...
Sounds like he's dumping his emotions/problems on to you. This is where boundaries may need to come into play. With boundaries, he will remain your friend or he may decide to end the friendship. Yes, I've had a one-sided relationship.
 
This is an old thread. @Ruthanne : Did you cut this guy loose?

The reason a person unloads their problems on you...the reason they do all the talking and complaining and never listen...is because they think their problems are way more important than yours. They think they are more important than you. They are narcissists.
 
Ruthanne said:
Have you ever had a relationship with someone where you do all the giving and get virtually nothing in return?
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Whatever I give, I consider a gift
Nothing owed in return
Nothing virtuous or anything like that, just the way it is for me
Saves some unneeded concern

The title threw me the other way;

Have You Ever Had A One Way Relationship?​

Yeah
More now than ever
Can't see nor hear
I do a lot of smiling and nodding
 
Ruthanne said:
Please don't make me feel any stupider than I already feel with your replies but thanks in advance for them.

Have you ever had a relationship with someone where you do all the giving and get virtually nothing in return? I wasn't actually looking for much but friendship from this man. All of our conversations revolved around him and his health problems all the time. We did go out to dinner twice and once he paid and once I did. This friendship has been going on for about 5 years currently but I have known him for 50 years although we hadn't always been in contact.

I have listened and listened and listened and given empathy and understanding and suggestions at times but he never listens to suggestions nor does he have any answers to his problems and just keeps on bitching and moaning. I can hardly take listening anymore. I guess I'm just fed up because it's the same old crap all the time and nothing else. I have told him I can't listen to any more problems. Thanks for listening to me vent.
Click to expand...
Not stupid at all. I have known many such people. I stopped seeing them.
 
I learned a few things about life the hard way and have thought that if some simple life lessons were taught in schools that it would save a lot of lives.
Things like the fact that people change.
The person who was your friend or lover today may choose to have different relationships tomorrow.
It isn’t your fault that people change that is just part of life and more than likely you didn’t cause any of it to happen and no matter what you can’t change what other people do.
You can only control the things that you do and the things that you cause to happen.
There is only one person who is responsible for your happiness and that is you.
How people face rejection can make a big difference in their lives.
If you are depressed and angry or sad all of the time then just like this guy in the post after a while nobody will want to be around you.
I’m not saying that rejection doesn’t hurt but if you don’t let it get you down and realize that it is a chance to do other things or meet other people then more than likely people will be drawn to you as an interesting person.
Once long ago when my wife and I split up I went to divorce class at a big church and this class was well attended.
Didn’t take me long to realize that all of the people in this class were the ones who were abused in a relationship.
The ones who did the abusing who were the cold hearted ones who weren’t sad about anything. They were more than likely enjoying life while the person they abused was suffering.
I dropped out of that class and vowed to never be the abused person again.
You can be too nice and caring all of the time and that can open you up to abuse.
I don’t mean that you have to be an abuser but you have to realize your self worth.
I haven’t been on this forum very long but I am really enjoying reading about relationships between seniors. I don’t have a lot of friends in my age group so I don’t get to relate a lot to what people my age discuss. Hope what I posted made sense and maybe helps someone.
 
Many of us get involved in what are called ‘Covert Contracts’ with other people. That is when we have a deal with them that if we do this and that for them, they will reciprocate by doing nice things for us. Unfortunately, the only person who knows about this contract is us. The other person doesn’t know it exists.

As a teenager I made this mistake many times. I will help Sally with her homework, give her a ride home from school on rainy days, loan her a pencil in class, etc. In return Sally will go to the Friday night football game with me. But, she is unaware of the contract and goes with Eddy instead. I feel betrayed, but in reality, Sally never promised a thing to me for all the favors. What a jughead I was!

But, I learned. Gina has somehow noticed me this week, so I’ll limit myself to loaning her one pencil (no great loss to me) and see if she says yes to the football date. She did! And if she hadn’t, so what? It’s not like I knocked myself out like did with Sally.
 
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Ruthanne said:
Please don't make me feel any stupider than I already feel with your replies but thanks in advance for them.

Have you ever had a relationship with someone where you do all the giving and get virtually nothing in return? I wasn't actually looking for much but friendship from this man. All of our conversations revolved around him and his health problems all the time. We did go out to dinner twice and once he paid and once I did. This friendship has been going on for about 5 years currently but I have known him for 50 years although we hadn't always been in contact.

I have listened and listened and listened and given empathy and understanding and suggestions at times but he never listens to suggestions nor does he have any answers to his problems and just keeps on bitching and moaning. I can hardly take listening anymore. I guess I'm just fed up because it's the same old crap all the time and nothing else. I have told him I can't listen to any more problems. Thanks for listening to me vent.
Click to expand...
Haha the one I've been in for 20 years. When I said "I Do" I didn't understand that it meant I do everything!
 
GP44 said:
I learned a few things about life the hard way and have thought that if some simple life lessons were taught in schools that it would save a lot of lives.
Things like the fact that people change.
The person who was your friend or lover today may choose to have different relationships tomorrow.
It isn’t your fault that people change that is just part of life and more than likely you didn’t cause any of it to happen and no matter what you can’t change what other people do.
You can only control the things that you do and the things that you cause to happen.
There is only one person who is responsible for your happiness and that is you.
How people face rejection can make a big difference in their lives.
If you are depressed and angry or sad all of the time then just like this guy in the post after a while nobody will want to be around you.
I’m not saying that rejection doesn’t hurt but if you don’t let it get you down and realize that it is a chance to do other things or meet other people then more than likely people will be drawn to you as an interesting person.
Once long ago when my wife and I split up I went to divorce class at a big church and this class was well attended.
Didn’t take me long to realize that all of the people in this class were the ones who were abused in a relationship.
The ones who did the abusing who were the cold hearted ones who weren’t sad about anything. They were more than likely enjoying life while the person they abused was suffering.
I dropped out of that class and vowed to never be the abused person again.
You can be too nice and caring all of the time and that can open you up to abuse.
I don’t mean that you have to be an abuser but you have to realize your self worth.
I haven’t been on this forum very long but I am really enjoying reading about relationships between seniors. I don’t have a lot of friends in my age group so I don’t get to relate a lot to what people my age discuss. Hope what I posted made sense and maybe helps someone.
Click to expand...
Don't stop writing. Your viewpoint/experiences were appreciated by me.
 
GP44 said:
I learned a few things about life the hard way and have thought that if some simple life lessons were taught in schools that it would save a lot of lives.
Things like the fact that people change.
The person who was your friend or lover today may choose to have different relationships tomorrow.
Click to expand...
What a profound statement! How true this is! I started meeting people with the intent of friendship only, but wanted more as time went on. However, the other person did not feel the same way.
 
Sadly, to say, I have been on the sending part of a friendship where I complain (vented) a lot! Eventually, I got so sick of myself complaining that I just stopped. Admitted and apologized to my friend. Told him he did not deserve listening to my woes. He stayed my friend, only because there was no one else in the picture at the time. Eventually I ended the friendship. I thought it was the best for the both of us. I wanted more and giving him freedom to find a new friend, better friend, or a possibility a relationship seemed like the right thing to do.

Unfortunely, problems don’t disappear overnight. There is such a build up inside that venting out 1to 4 times does not resolve it. Venting out for months might not relieve the emotions build up inside. Friends can vent out and not realize how grueling it is on the other. Again, this was me for several months. As I look back, I should have gone to a therapist, but I didn’t. He was such a good friend and deserves so much more. I hope he is happy.

By no means should you be a sponge for all the complaining/venting of another. It’s not fair to you!
 
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