Helping adult children financially

R

Rose65

Well-known Member
Location
United Kingdom
I hear of it and see it everywhere, retired parents giving deposits for purchasing property or substantial sums for other reasons.

Also young couples expect to save on childcare as they build careers, by getting parents to do it. Often aging parents struggle with health problems but feel obliged to help with exhausting young children. Sacrificing their own retirement dreams.

I never took any money nor asked for practical help from my parents once I left home. Once I was over 21, married and decided to have my children, I felt very strongly it was my responsibility. That my parents deserved a peaceful retirement, they had done their part well. It is also my attitude now, in my turn.

So how much obligation do parents and grandparents here feel?
 

Since I never had kids so can't speak from direct experience, this is only hearsay (but I've heard it a lot), but I've heard that some couples say they expected their (sometimes aged) parents to help with their young children since it was their parents (usually the wannabe grandmas) who were pushing them to provide them (or her) with grandkids. So promises of at least free babysitting were made and then when it came time for that to happen, grandpa said "What?! Why the h*ll did you offer that?! No way; we've already raised our kids; I don't want exhausting kids running around here!" So grandma has to withdraw the free babysitting and then the "fun" begins.
 
There’s a long running commercial with the grandparents folding a monstrous pile of clothing. Paraphrasing “ever since the kids moved back in with us, we have so much laundry. Buying the cheap detergent didn’t work, so we save money using Brand Z.” Seriously? They should be doing their own laundry and probably paying for the detergent too.
 
hollydolly said:
I never had the choice to ask my parents for either babysitting services or money, because we were always forcefully made to understand none would ever be forthcoming..
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Exactly, my mother lived off Grandpa and then his estate all of her life but when his money ran low, she had the mistaken idea I would support her and my stepfather. She was child who never took financial responsibility for herself but learned Grandpa was an easy mark.
 
We have helped my son and daughter in law out several times when they have had major expenses. And, we were happy to do it. As my wife used to say, "we've been there and know what it's like." They are family and we love them.

My folks didn't have a dime to spare. My wife's folks could have helped but didn't and we never asked them to.
 
My mom was often too busy helping my siblings more............ but she did do some babysitting and lent me her car for a couple of days when mine broke down early on.........
i have co-signed a loan, helped them move, or big projects like free labor in a landscape project... but nothing too extravagant
 
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My mother helped me, I have helped our children and my daughter is a great help to my grandchildren.

Help can be in terms of some money when needed, by buying the children's school shoes and by looking after them during school holidays. The best help of all is to be an encourager of your children even when they become adults.
 
My daughters work hard at their jobs and are attending University. My wife and I help them out. They are great kids and deserve that leg up. Besides, I can't take it with me so why not engage and help out the next generation.
 
I helped out a relative, or rather they helped themself to a great deal of cash at great financial hardship to myself and hubby. Tried to forgive but it never mended the relationship. My advice, if you can't afford to lose the money then do NOT hand it out.
 
Lee said:
I helped out a relative, or rather they helped themself to a great deal of cash at great financial hardship to myself and hubby. Tried to forgive but it never mended the relationship. My advice, if you can't afford to lose the money then do NOT hand it out.
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That's the thing. When things go wrong.
I have known people who made a loan, it wasn't paid back but the recipients were going on holidays etc, enjoying life. Not easy.
 
Even when I was struggling, I never asked my parents for a dime. My mother helped me tremendously in other ways; also she and my father were very helpful when it came to babysitting. In fact, they loved having my son over; he was the light of their lives. My son has needed financial help over the years for one reason or another. Most recently, it was due to circumstances completely out of his control. He didn't ask for financial help, he rarely does. But I helped him by loaning him a substantial amount (without interest) which he is currently paying back and giving him what was in my heart to give him. I've also helped my grandchildren (paid my granddaughter's tuition and board last semester), honorary children and honorary granddaughter. I'm happy that I can afford to do it. My Dua (special supplemental prayer) each day is that Allah will bless me to be able to help those I love and others in the best way possible.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
Even when I was struggling, I never asked my parents for a dime.
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My parents were very generous, not rich, but as generous as they could be. They helped pay for my schooling and to get me started in life.

My mother even loaned me my first down payment on a house, I paid her back for that. I did do my best to pay my own way, but help getting started was a great thing. I'd have been fine without it, but probably did better with it.
 
My mother made it very clear that once we moved out, we STAYED out. That said, she was generous when she had time and/or money. Sometimes she herself struggled, so as she aged, for about five years she lived with us. But because Spouse is an only child (I'm one of three), we knew would also have to someday take care of his mom, who had just become widowed.

I encouraged my mom to apply for senior housing, and my brother suggested she come down to Southern CA, as there are more units there. She found one nearby him, and so he helped her out for the last five years of her life.

My MIL was generous financially with us, but unfortunately developed dementia. Our lifestyle was too chaotic for her, and too isolated. I insisted she needed to move to an asst. lvg facility. We took our time to research and visit (multiple times, on several occasions) eight different facilities. Narrowed it down to two; Spouse picked one and it turned out a perfect match for her. Her friends and family commented to us that they hadn't seen her so happy since her husband died. After a while she got so involved with the residents and activities, we had to make appointments a week in advance so she had time to see us!

My sister and her ex have 2 kids, both married; nephew has 3 kids. All four households live within 2 miles of each other and we get together regularly. They babysit or chauffer on a regular basis, but the kids are getting older so it's gotten easier. My niece and her spouse are just finishing having an ADU built in their backyd. It will be used first by her in-laws, but they anticipate at some point it will be needed by their dad.

My sister is financially stable, but my ex-BIL has made some poor financial decisions and is house-rich/cash-poor. He's in his late 70's but still healthy - but you never know when something may change. So his kids, my nephew and niece, can't help being concerned about what his future might bring to all of them.
 
hollydolly said:
I never had the choice to ask my parents for either babysitting services or money, because we were always forcefully made to understand none would ever be forthcoming..
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Same here. My parents didn't have a few extra $ million to give me. They were just getting by. Plus, when I left home, it was kind of a "the hell with you" thing between me and my parents. So, I doubt they would have been too charitable, if I came begging for money.
 
I was raised as my parents were raised. When we left home, we were on our own. I had no expectation and knew I had to provide for myself and my family, if I chose to get married. Having that knowledge drove me to go to night school while working full-time. In time I got a good job and finished my education.

I was very glad I did it on my own and my parents also were proud of me. My wife and I had three kids and raised them with the same expectations. Two of the three graduated from college and one has a masters degree. They both are married with kids doing very well. Our third child is a tradesman, he always liked to work with his hands. He too is married, has a good job and has two great kids.

That is our family tradition, and it has always worked well for us....
 
perplexed said:
I never took money from my parents since the day I left home and that was 19 I think. I knew they could not afford it and it is just wrong in my opinion.If you give money to adult kids they will never learn to stand on their on two feet.
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I am glad a few of us still understand this tradition of "standing on your own two feet as it builds character."
If a child is ill or has limited capacity then I think a parent should help, but otherwise I think it is detrimental to the young adult.
 

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