How do I refuse an invitation due to my wife's difficulties?

Mobilman44

Mobilman44

Member
My "step grandson" is getting married next month and it is a "high end" formal affair. I am not close to him at all, but there is no problem involved. Over the years I have gone out of my way to treat him equally with the other grandkids, although to be honest I rarely see any of them.

The thing is, my Wife has beginning dementia and being in a crowded event would be very difficult (for me too), and frankly we would be very much out of place. And so far, we have kept my Wife's situation a secret.

While I can easily RSVP (VIA QR CODE !!!) that we won't be there, I will need to give my son a heads up. Of course, his first thoughts are that we are mad at them, anti-social, and other negatives. While I believe he would understand if I told him of my Wife's situation, I suspect it would soon no longer be a secret. This would really hurt my Wife and I can't have that happen.

At this point I'm thinking I'll just tell my son we can't make it, and give no real explanation as to why.

Oh, of course I'll send a card and $$$ gift equal to what I'd give the other grandkids.

But because I'm writing this, its obvious that I have some doubts about this. And while it would be nice if I could discuss the problem with my Wife, it would only upset her - and that is something I won't willingly do.

Your thoughts ???
 

It's been my experience with the grands and great-grands that they're perfectly fine with just getting a gift. I don't mean that in a cynical way, they just don't really understand how such an event could be fun for us.

I would tell my son that, "That sort of thing is just too tiring for your mother these days.'
 
Is your wife the mother of the son and you are the stepfather. If this is her son, you probably need to tell him that she is having some memory issues but she isnā€™t ready to discuss them yet. In fairness to her, she doesnā€™t want anyone else to know. For anyone else, you can make up an excuse. Depending how soon this event is, say something like her back is bothering her or sheā€™s hurt her knee. Nobody will pay much attention. Her son does need to know and he can deal with the rest of the family, as long as he keeps in secret.

Will your wife be offended that sheā€™s not consulted about going to this event.
 
Sorry folks, I should have clarified up front. I am the Dad, my Wife is the step Mom. My son lives 200 miles away and I see him maybe once/twice a year. I would like to tell this son (I have 3) about my Wife's condition but I know he will tell his wife and that will get it spread all over Texas.

I'm angry with myself for being all this concerned with upsetting folks, but .....
 
Mobilman44 said:
Sorry folks, I should have clarified up front. I am the Dad, my Wife is the step Mom. My son lives 200 miles away and I see him maybe once/twice a year. I would like to tell this son (I have 3) about my Wife's condition but I know he will tell his wife and that will get it spread all over Texas.

I'm angry with myself for being all this concerned with upsetting folks, but .....
Click to expand...
Just tell him straight up and ask that he keep it to himself. If he doesnā€™t understand that then thatā€™s on him.
 
Mobilman44 said:
Sorry folks, I should have clarified up front. I am the Dad, my Wife is the step Mom. My son lives 200 miles away and I see him maybe once/twice a year. I would like to tell this son (I have 3) about my Wife's condition but I know he will tell his wife and that will get it spread all over Texas.

I'm angry with myself for being all this concerned with upsetting folks, but .....
Click to expand...
There is no sense being angry at yourself or the situation you are in. Itā€™s nobodyā€™s fault your wife is ill. If your son is getting married soon, someday he might have the same situation to deal with. His wife will come first just like your wife does. Maybe after the wedding he can come visit you for a day or two. There is no blame in this situation. It is what it is. Drop the blame. Just phone your son and have a one on one OR write a short letter.
 
I can appreciate where youā€™re coming from, Mobilman. Sometimes itā€™s just not quite the right time to share sensitive information. Sheā€™s the stepmother and depending how close they are, I can understand her feelings.

Iā€™ve been with my husband since his sons were in their teens. Weā€™re not close and I might not be ready to talk about it.

Just say that your wife has some unknown health issues that sheā€™s dealing with so you wonā€™t be able to attend the wedding. If they question you, say that youā€™ll share more when you know more. Say itā€™s one of those aging things, not a big deal. If she wants her privacy, this is how Iā€™d go about it.

Donā€™t apologize to us. Weā€™re a great place to vent.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
Just tell him straight up and ask that he keep it to himself. If he doesnā€™t understand that then thatā€™s on him.
Click to expand...
Brookswood said:
Tell them the truth. there is no shame in being sick, nor in caring for the sick.
Click to expand...
He's saying the truth will upset his wife....he's pretty certain the new bride will spread it around, and that will upset his wife.

I agree with everyone who suggested telling the grandson that grandma simply does not travel well these days, so you won't be able to attend.

If the grandson asks for details, just tell him it's nothing serious, it's just that any kind of travel is very taxing on her, it's too fatiguing and that would rob you both of being able to enjoy the ceremony.
 
debodun said:
Respond - "Thank you very much for your invitation to the wedding. Unfortunately personal circumstances will prevent me from attending. Thank you again for your kind gesture."
Click to expand...
Perfect Deb! @Remy I like your response too

Mobilman you obviously cannot trouble your wife with this. If you mention any health issue to your son and are vague about it, your son may keep asking about it until you tell him what's wrong. But if he has a conversation with your wife, it's likely that at some point he'll realize she has dementia.
 
Last edited:
Della said:
I would tell my son that, "That sort of thing is just too tiring for your mother these days.'
Click to expand...

I agree with this or something about travel or late night or whatever being too hard- rather than the other suggested excuses of sore knees or sore back.

This way you are not lying ( travel, late nights etc are difficult) just not giving all information.

And you have a right to keep information private if you want to - and I think others will view that more favourably than made up reasons.
 
Thank you all for your wonderful and thoughtful comments. I will take from them and "bite the bullet" this morning, sending in the negative RSVP and letting my son know we can't make it.

One thing I need to repeat is my Wife does not choose to share her condition with anyone, including her self absorbed daughter. If you were with my Wife for an hour or so, talking of weather and such, you would swear she is really with it. But if you spent a couple hours with her or more, it would hit you that something is amiss.

I'm experienced (sadly) with her situation thru my Mother and Uncle and her Mother, so I handle it fairly well. But others can be pretty insensitive - correcting and arguing to the end. I've certainly seen that behaviour and will not let my Wife suffer from that.

May I take this opportunity to thank you all for everything. I joined this forum to be able to help, get help, and share, and you all have allowed that to happen. Thank you!

Wish me luck - and I will update the results.
 
Here is my response to my son..........................

Good Morning,

Coincidently, I was going to write you this morning, for yesterday morning I went to the RSVP website and it wouldn't allow me access. I tried William Anderson, william anderson, Mr and Mrs William Anderson, etc. I saw the QR code, but I don't do QR codes as I write from the PC. Please let Phillip (grandson) know I gave it my best shot.

Anyway, from the website it looks like its gonna be a pretty big, fancy affair. But unfortunately we will not be attending due to ongoing health issues. I do hope you and Phillip understand.

None of my business question... is this all the bride's parents show, or yours, or Phillips? In any case, it should be a wonderful time for all.

Phillip's always been a good guy, and we wish them the very, very best!

Of course we will send a nice card/gift, and is his/her/their address 1xxxx7 Tea Leaf Drive in Tomball, or ?

Love

Dad
 
Mobilman44 said:
Here is my response to my son..........................

Good Morning,

Coincidently, I was going to write you this morning, for yesterday morning I went to the RSVP website and it wouldn't allow me access. I tried William Anderson, william anderson, Mr and Mrs William Anderson, etc. I saw the QR code, but I don't do QR codes as I write from the PC. Please let Phillip (grandson) know I gave it my best shot.

Anyway, from the website it looks like its gonna be a pretty big, fancy affair. But unfortunately we will not be attending due to ongoing health issues. I do hope you and Phillip understand.

None of my business question... is this all the bride's parents show, or yours, or Phillips? In any case, it should be a wonderful time for all.

Phillip's always been a good guy, and we wish them the very, very best!

Of course we will send a nice card/gift, and is his/her/their address 1xxxx7 Tea Leaf Drive in Tomball, or ?

Love

Dad
Click to expand...
Sounds perfect.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top