How do you divide up the household work?

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
It's been a long time since I've lived with a partner. I was divorced in 2004. Ron and I are planning to move in together sometime around the middle of the year, once the renovations are complete on the Master suite.

Ron hasn't lived on his own as much, because he had children later in life and they didn't want to be with their Mom after the divorce so they lived with him, left home as adults and came back again at different times. Even so, it's his house and he's the parent and so he's called the shots so it's not the same as living with a partner.

We are both tidy, fastidious people. But we're both used to running the show in every respect. He keeps a very clean house. Does his own laundry, changes his sheets every week, cooks a lot and is good at it, is careful about where things are stored in the kitchen, folds his clothes and towels just so. I do all of that too, in my own way, and some of our ways match, and some are different. We've talked in general about when we move in together having to learn each others ways, that there will be an adjustment period as we get comfortable how the other person does things etc.

Looking for input on how you've apportioned the chores, family stuff, household duties, and why you've done it that way. And would love any advice on how best to navigate the adjustment of two people living together who haven't lived with anyone for 15 years!!!
 

Basically, my husband is/was a neat freak and I was more lax. Not a slob by any means, just more relaxed. He works and I am home. So I do everything and if anything isn;t quite up to his standards, he doesn't complain, just pitches in. It works for us.
 
I took retirement last year and my husband still works full time..so I do all the work inside the home, but he helps me with the changing of the beds, and sometimes he'll vac for me, because I have a bad back and the stairs can be a bit of a problem for me..

He does all the repairs inside and outside the home. I mow the lawns 90% of the time, but like this year we planted a whole new lawn so we did that together when he had time off.. .

When I was still employed we shared the chores pretty much 50-50.... .. he would wash up if he got to it first, and change the bed, and clean the bathrooms . he doesn't cook however, so I've always been the one to do that!! He's also quite happy to do the grocery shopping if I can't get out for any reason.
 

We’ve, over the years, divided everything…it’s become a somewhat defined, chiseled in concrete, line…more like a trough, or moat.

Thing is, I’m more organized, but she’s a very deep cleaner, and has the fastidiously OCD talent of making a bed that would elate a drill sargent

She calls me a ‘surface cleaner’

And I see no reason to change, as dust, and other no seeums (that she apparently sees) will just come right back

And if someone, like a small grandchildlike runt takes anything of mine, I’ll immediately see it missing due to the dust/no dust outline

So, I pick up after myself, and get the hell outa the way when she ‘cleans’…and it’s often, like twice a day, for cryin’ out loud

One time, when living in town, in an actual house, while she went shopping, I decided to rearrange the kitchen in a more organized, more functional manner

I was rather proud of myself, showing her all the improvements
But somewhat disappointed at her lack of reaction and, well… praise

Until the next day when I came home from work

And saw all the carefully separated and categorized nuts, bolts, screws, nails, and hand tools piled in a heap in the middle of the garage floor

I didn’t say anything, just asked what’s fer dinner

'Cornbread and chilly, and, oh, by the way, I reorganized your shop……'

I have yet to be let back in the kitchen

I let her in my shop…but watch her
 
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No set division of chores, my husband does a lot of the cooking and he's very good at it, I'm happy to clean up afterwards. If I'm busy with something else, he'll do any dishes that are sitting in the sink. I do most of the laundry, vacuuming, changing sheets, dusting, washing floors, etc. A lot of times I'll take the laundry out of the drier, fold it, and leave it in the basket upstairs if I'm doing something else, he generally puts the clothes away for me.

He'll do anything I need if I ask him to. We always shared yard work, and he does all vehicle maintenance and repair that is possible. He does household repairs/maintenance when needed. Neither of us are neatnicks or slobs, so if something has spilled and needs to be wiped up, either of us will take care of it.
 
I cook, he grocery shops.

I do my laundry, he does his and the towels/linens.

We both sweep and mop but I clean the bathrooms because my standards of bathroom cleanliness are considerably more exacting than his. He makes the bed because his bedmaking standards are more exacting than mine.

I dust and knock down the cobwebs in the ceiling corners. I clean the kitchen. I clean out the refrigerator. I arrange the pantry.

He washes and waxes the cars and tidies the garage.

I wash the dishes, usually.
 
I also do the outdoor work and my wife takes care of the indoor work. We also have a lady that does some of the inside work once a week.

I just finished installing hardwood floors in our newer home, but just in the dining room, the main living room and one hallway. My son helped with the flooring.
 
I appreciate all your responses. What I'm gleaning from them is that you work to your strengths, which makes sense and is the most practical approach, and the thing we've talked about when we've discussed the division of duties.

Moving in together at our age after not having a partner for 15 years is going to be a challenge no matter how compatible we are and how much we love each other.

It's funny, I was talking to a young man who recently moved in with his fiancé. He was telling me how both of them have some bad habits when it comes to neatness, 3 young children two of whom are there 50% of the time, and it's a hell of a show trying to adjust, and so he felt like the worst challenges Ron and I could possibly face would be him leaving the toilet seat up or something and that he couldn't imagine what possible problems could arise in such an "easy going scenario" as we are facing. There was no point in trying to explain to him that our challenges are just as daunting to us as his are to him.

The fact that we're not young, not raising young children together doesn't eliminate the challenging aspects of living with someone, just changes the specifics. Navigating the household stuff is one thing. But then there's the financial aspects of living togehter/getting married as seniors that have the potential to create all kinds of issues and upsets unless they're tackled in a timely manner. The potential for higher health care costs, long term care costs, juggling retirement benefits, higher taxes etc. are all potential mine fields. He needs to change his will, make accommodations for me should he pre-decease me while I'm living in his home, make sure his adult children and grandchildren are taken care of without leaving me wanting...all that and so much more that we've talked about that needs to be solved.

Am I wrong?
 
As far as household chores, my husband and I are both "doers;" we see what needs to be done and we do it. The exception would be mechanical stuff as I don't have the aptitude nor the interest, and cooking because I love to cook so that's my domain.
 
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Ronni...…..I was divorced/single for 21 years and took pretty good care of myself during those years. Cooking, doing my laundry and cleaning a room that I rented. Even though my wife was extremely happy that I liked to cook, she a descent cook herself. Her potato salad and spaghetti are "to die for", but I do help her make both. She also makes a mean toasted cheese sandwich or BLT. I already have the bacon made for her when she gets home. I don't do as much cooking as I use to, but that will most likely change once we move. We won't have the money to eat out, like we do now.

Anyway, since I was pushed into SS Early Retirement in 2012, I pretty much take care of things in our apartment. I do this when she is at work. All laundry, but she puts hers away. Changing bed and laundry of bed linens. Vacuuming, dusting, loading/running/unloading of dishwasher, sweeping floors and washing runs. Also, when needed, run a few errands.

I also take care of her computer.

I doesn't bother me at to do any of these things and she totally appreciates that.

And, btw, we do all grocery shopping together, as well as other shopping.

On the weekends, I'm her Driver (I drive all the time) and during the week, I'm both Mabel (the old tv maid) and Mel (Cook in Alice tv show)
 
gennie said:
No division. I live alone. I do it all but at my own pace.
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Same here but I did splurge on once a month cleaners and I’m glad I did. I have 7 ceiling fans in my house and I seldom got around to cleaning them. At least now once a month they’re cleaned. Same with baseboards and things like that.

Id rather have them than the 200 channels I never watched on my Direct TV.
 
I do it all. If I ask the hubby to vacuum he will do it but he seems to think all rooms are round and he doesn't know what a corner is. I was brought up that the husband took care of the outside and repairs and the wife did the inside. What I failed to realize when we got married was that my Mom didn't work outside the home and had one child. I had 2 and worked. I remember throwing a meatloaf together when I came home from work with my jacket still on so it would be ready for the hubby when he came in. Talk about stupid!
Now I wish I had divided it up more. I have more time now but lack the energy I use to have and would like more time for myself.
My daughter calls it lack of training.
 
We both do what we can, so I guess equally. Vacuuming is the hardest because we both have serious back problems. So, I bought her one of those hand controlled robot things that chases me around the house.

We try to keep things picked up as we go. This way, it doesnt pile up into a big job.

Garbage is my job and dishes are hers. Since we had the old rugs torn out and wood floors installed, cleaning is much easier.
 
I'm very lucky with household work. My Husband pitches in and helps with almost everything. He also is the one that does anything that is needed outside of the house.
 
Lol, I got exhausted just reading this thread! It did remind me, however, of when I used to do a lot of housework. My house was sparkly clean. Now, not so much.

We have a large house now, moved in a couple of years ago. He rarely cleans his room or bathroom. He does his own laundry. I keep my room clean, my bathroom clean, do my own laundry.

The common areas, living room which we use as a dining room, hall ways, basement, two additional rooms, and the family room get cleaned once a month at least. The dust police haven't ever shown up so I suppose this is ok. The family room gets vacuumed more often now that we have a hair shedding puppy. I might of made a mistake adding the puppy to our lives.

The kitchen gets cleaned every day. The floor gets mopped much more often since the puppy joined us. I guess you know why, lol. We cook very little little. The sign in my kitchen says I serve three types of meals, frozen, microwave, and fast food. Occasionally a meat loaf gets made. Occasionally we cook on the holidays or family days.

Family days are once a month. Thus the once a month deep cleaning, lol. We converted the living room to a dining room and it can seat 15 people. More if we really need to. Most of the family shows up. We have one granddaughter who rarely shows up, one grandson who is mentally ill and never shows up, and my extremely disabled son who we can no longer transport.

Plus, since he chokes so much on his puréed food now, no one in the family is comfortable feeding him. Otherwise we all pile into my house. Enough seating at the tables but not enough in the family room. Younger ones sit on the vacuumed floor. LOL.

I also read the post about your step daughters so a note about that. Hope it's ok. I have two adopted disabled sons who have no family connections. But my daughter adopted two daughters, from seperate families. She adopted them when they were fifteen years old. She can't have children and never wanted a baby. (Although her daughter and granddaughter live with her now.)

Those daughters came with extreme baggage which included bio moms and biological brothers and sisters. It's been a challenge. But totally worth it. It's also been a roller coaster ride. I think the key to the situation is just go along for that ride, never say anything negative about bio mom, and always be positive that they know you love them.

I love my son's girlfriend! If they split up, I've told him I get to keep her. Anyway, best of luck to the both of you.
 
Aneeda72 said:
I also read the post about your step daughters so a note about that. Hope it's ok. I have two adopted disabled sons who have no family connections. But my daughter adopted two daughters, from seperate families. She adopted them when they were fifteen years old. She can't have children and never wanted a baby. (Although her daughter and granddaughter live with her now.)

Those daughters came with extreme baggage which included bio moms and biological brothers and sisters. It's been a challenge. But totally worth it. It's also been a roller coaster ride. I think the key to the situation is just go along for that ride, never say anything negative about bio mom, and always be positive that they know you love them.

I love my son's girlfriend! If they split up, I've told him I get to keep her. Anyway, best of luck to the both of you.
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Very much this! It's exactly the line I walk with them! Thanks Aneeda. :)
 
My daughter and her husband split up doing the housework. Their granddaughter, who is a bit mentally slow, does not help. She is pretty oppositional. (Sorry. Off topic again.)

The granddaughter ran away at 18 to her bio mom and joined the carnival, lol. Got hooked up and posted on social media that she was pg. My daughter had been looking for her for three years, tracked her down, and brought her, and beautiful great granddaughter home.

My daughter is now raising the baby she never wanted, and who she is totally in love with. Baby is now getting the care she needs. Granddaughter (21) is safe and learning how to raise a child under strict supervision. Baby daddy is out of the picture as far as baby is concerned. Granddaughter says as soon as he finished with his current girlfriend they might get back together.

As you can see, granddaughter is a bit slow.

Ronni,

You are welcome.
 
Ronni, as I've aged I can't get to that perfect place for everything in it's place OCD stuff. I'm sure you'll both work it out as you say both neat people...I'd be more worried about the legal issues and taking care of each other in our aging years. You are braver than me for sure. Didn't you say you were getting married...
 

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