How do you feel about or deal with ex -in laws

J

Jeni

Senior Member
So one of my kids has decided to end their marriage....... we had spent a great deal of time with our in law and now poof no more...
I do not know what i am supposed to do take down family photos with ex in them?
never speak of them? feel awkward reaching out although i do still care for their well being.

It would be easy if they were bad or did something...... but instead it is just over.... not getting details other then they had issues no one saw and they split up.
sounds silly but i am having trouble just knowing they are no longer part of my life ... their family also ...
i do not know how they feel about the divorce ..... is my child the villain ...
a beautiful home i spent so much time helping to get into shape and yard set up and it will be sold and gone ......like it never happened.
i am sad and not taking this so well.
 

Not the same scenario, but adjacent:

Several years after being divorced, my ex's mother died. Even though I live 90 miles away, I had always gotten along with her and I attended the funeral.

The odd thing was that at the funeral former in-laws I always got along with were cold, while others I hadn't had much interaction with were quite warm toward me.
 

Right now have no interaction with the in-laws. Wait to see how it settles out. Your DD is your priority so respect whatever she wants. I’d give her the time and wait to see if she discusses anything.
 
I have no animosity to anyone in the situation .... in some divorces etc there is a bad guy so to speak ..
this was disappointing because many thought they should have waited.... the marriage only lasted 4.5 years .... i feel i am assigned a role of i must side with this person and other is no longer my friend / my child in law or a person i really enjoyed ...... it is sad

have friends who their children's exes in their life were the bad ones....... but .... i wonder if that is so or what we want to believe to make this easier.
 
One of the toughest things about divorce is when kids are involved. My first wife's parents adored our kids, and I took them to visit their grandparents/my former in-laws several times, but they never visited or called us. Before the divorce, they visited or called every week.

The first Christmas after the divorce, my ex-in-laws mailed a few gifts to my kids. And we lived in the same city, so that was weird. It was the last time they sent the kids anything, not even birthday cards.

I stopped taking the kids to visit them after that, and they never called or anything. My kids were very young when I divorced their mom, so they never really got to know their maternal grandparents.

Today my kids say it doesn't matter, but I think it's sad. My former in-laws were good people. My mother-in-law, especially. She was extremely intelligent and interesting.
 
Jeni said:
I have no animosity to anyone in the situation .... in some divorces etc there is a bad guy so to speak ..
this was disappointing because many thought they should have waited.... the marriage only lasted 4.5 years .... i feel i am assigned a role of i must side with this person and other is no longer my friend / my child in law or a person i really enjoyed ...... it is sad

have friends who their children's exes in their life were the bad ones....... but .... i wonder if that is so or what we want to believe to make this easier.
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If your kid who had the divorce prefers you cut ties with his/her exes, you should. Sad as it is, you don't want to damage your relationship with your child over it.
 
When my first marriage was definitely breaking up, the in-laws were visiting for a week. We agreed to say nothing, because we knew they’d want to help us. When they’d been gone for a week, we told them and the first thing they kept saying was that we should have told them so they could help. It was our marriage, not theirs. Nobody knows what else goes on within it.

Because of the grandkids, I maintained a relationship. Not close, just a relationship.
 
When I divorced the kids stayed with me so I kept a relationship with my ex in-laws for the kids sake. It was kind of odd actually, during our twenty year marriage they were always stand offish toward me, but after the divorce they wanted to be best friends.

Anyway....once the kids grew into adults I let the relationship with them simply fade away, I see no reason to stay in touch.
 
In the last 3 years I've had difficulty coming to decisions about exes... and photos..

My DD's partner cheated on her, and in the process destroyed her life where she was living and her business... so I have hate for him... she doesn't hate him.. she's past that.. she was broken for a long time... but now she never wants to know he existed..

However I have many photos of the 2 of them, and her with many members oof his family too .. and unlike the old days where we could cut one of them out of the picture these are all digital.. so I explained to her that I've kept almost all of them because they're beautiful photos and she's agreed that I can do that... but I rarely look at them which is sad..

My most recent one is of course as most of you know the break up of my own Marriage.. this is very hard for me. I have literally hundreds of photos of my estranged O/H ..and I don't want to get rid of them, but I feel burdened by having them...

It's not like they're just him alone.. he's in photos of all different scenarios.. people,, places.. so if I want to bring up a photo of say.. some boating.. there he is... or family members.. there he is... in them as well.....fortunately I didn't have any in-laws to deal with on his side

I'm really struggling with this..TBH
 
jujube said:
I have an excellent relationship with my ex-son-in-law, my granddaughter's father.......a much better relationship than I have with her present husband of 25 years.

My ex-S-I-L would do anything for me and vice-versa. *I* didn't divorce him, after all.
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see I didn't divorce me ex s-i-l... either.. but I despise him for his actions against my daughter...
 
In spite of my daughter's rather long drawn out nasty divorce, my ex inlaws and I have remained friendly. At first it was just to preserve the peace around the grandkids, but I think we just quietly decided (as someone else stated here) it was our kids divorce, not ours, and we genuinely enjoy each others company at family gatherings. Of course this is my perspective...I hope they feel the same!
 
Pinky said:
My ex Mother-In-Law and I kept in touch for years. Sadly, she passed away fairly recently, at the age of 102. I am still in touch with her daughter, my lovely ex Sis-in-law.
We had a good relationship, and they were supportive of me, all the way.
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This is so nice.
Timewise 60+ said:
I don't have any 'ex' in laws! But my in-laws are all dead! The trick is to outlive them...
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I’m so sorry for your loss?🫶😬
 
The only ex-in-laws I have is from my brothers & husband's sister. Two of the marriages ended all contact & the one did not.

When my oldest brother divorced his wife who left him, it was very strange. I went with my brother to the final hearing as did his MIL with her daughter. She & I sat together shaking our heads because we all knew the story. Ex-wife's family stood behind him.

The ex-wife got the kids, but in less than a year her mother went to court on behalf of my brother stating her daughter shouldn't have custody because she basically abandoned the kids by leaving them with her. He was granted full custody, she had visitation rights & was ordered to pay half of the health care. After a handful of visits over a couple of years & no payments, she dropped off the face of the earth & no one knew where she was with her new husband. Popped up once years later & left just as quick.

We still had holidays, birthdays & other things together over the year. They even treated his new wife like family. Sadly, his MIL passed recently & his FIL isn't doing to well.
 
Nathan said:
The way that it's worked in my life is typical, once the marriage is gone so are the in-laws...time to let it all fad into the past, and give the next chapter in life a fresh start.
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I am trying since my case is not parents .......but the ex spouse of my child.

.... the person was like a child to me ...
i bonded hard with all my kids chosen partners not only for my kids sake but to not have any issues with them as i had seen happen in many families ..... now there is just a void where there once was a friend/ child. I miss their humor and presence ...
i also feel i will not bond with any future partner with this child....... as i see much of the downfall in marriage was my child's doing.
 


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