How do you "forgive" an affair?

Nathan said:
My view of the concept of forgiveness is that the injured party be able to remove the hurt and anger from their gut feelings.

I don't view forgiving someone as "giving" them anything, rather giving oneself the chance to heal.
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That makes sense. And if that's how it works, then I forgave her when I forgot about her.

I dwelt on the first infidelity (1st woman who cheated on me) for far too long, but I think that's because we had children together, and it effected them. I'm not sure. I did love her very much (my 1st wife), and I thought if she hadn't gotten into drugs then the infidelity wouldn't have happened...so I guess I didn't blame her, I blamed the drugs. Years later I realized we had problems before the drugs. She was unhappy and I wasn't a good listener.
 

Until it happens to you it's easy to say you would never try and forgive infedility, I always said the same. Yet when I was first faced with my wife's infedility I had to step back and reconsider my stance. Married ten years, young kids, home and mortgage, horses, business, extended family, etc. Then you consider the future as a broken family, divided everything, homes, holidays, birthdays, vacations, graduations, weddings, grandkids, salary.

That's a lot of life to just walk away from, not an easy thing to do, at least for me it wasn't. And that's all the more reason I hate infidelity so much, it damages so many innocents, changes lives forever.
 
Nathan said:
Well, learning of the affair is just the end of the relationship...as in "it's over". Forgiveness comes later, with healing.
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I have forgiven my ex. But I will never trust her again with anything important to me. That is why I avoid her except when necessary in regards to our children. The ties that bind!

Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I much preferred to heal the anger by living well. Living well is the best revenge. :)
 

Murrmurr said:
Maybe what kicked in was regret for abandoning her child...an adult by then.
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She may have felt regret for what the break-ups did to her two kids, but in both cases (myself & the other guy) we decided it would be hard for the kids to be legally separated from her, as they were of tender years and still had a real dependence on "Mother". So my ex got a good deal in that way, and didn't need to feel she'd abandoned the kids. It was family reality she abandoned.
 
hollydolly said:
well to be pedantic, in my case and in most cases it's not people hurting each OTHER..rather one person doing the hurting, simply for their own selfish wants...
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I didn't mean the people in the couple were both hurting each other, but just that humans in general hurt each other in all kinds of ways. Maybe I should have used "one another," instead of each other.
 
JBR said:
She may have felt regret for what the break-ups did to her two kids, but in both cases (myself & the other guy) we decided it would be hard for the kids to be legally separated from her, as they were of tender years and still had a real dependence on "Mother". So my ex got a good deal in that way, and didn't need to feel she'd abandoned the kids. It was family reality she abandoned.
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I did the same; agreed to visitation. Because my ex-wife had a drug problem, about 60% of the time she was supposed to get the kids, she didn't show up... obviously her best decisions. Despite everything, my kids say they're glad I agreed to the visitation....such as it was.
 
When you wonder why someone takes back the cheater, I had a reason. All the time he was cheating everything I did was wrong, I was stupid, etc, etc. I had no respect left for myself. I’m not sure why he decided he needed to come back. I wasn’t coping well and I told him this would be his only chance.

Six years later, the extreme nastiness started again. This time I just smiled, because I knew what was going on. I had been waiting for a way to leave safely. The kids and I moved out. He was thrilled that he was getting remarried. Me too.

He had a few more relationships and marriages.
 
Jules said:
This time I just smiled, because I knew what was going on. I had been waiting for a way to leave safely.
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I can relate to that. It was almost a relief when I knew for sure my wife was having another affair, it gave me the perfect reason to finally end things for good. I told her she had to get out and the kids were staying with me. The day she moved out was easily the biggest relief of stress I have ever experienced, it was like flipping a switch.
 
I got married young at 18 and by 19 had a baby. 3 years later I found out he had a fling and I left him. My third husband told me he was a one woman man. I found out he had an affair 13 years later and forgave him. 9 years later he did it again during covid unvaccinated. Turns out he cheated on his first wife too. I divorced him.
 
timoc said:
Rita was 9, I was 10, we were close and promised to be friends forever, but when she gave Micky Jones a lick of her toffee bar, that was it, I never wanted to see her again. 😊
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I did eventually forgive her though, that is until I caught her getting a ride on the crossbar of Johnie Bennett's bike instead of mine.

Of course, this wasn't them, this couple are much older, but it gives you some idea of why I finally broke up with Rita.... ooooh the little hussy. 😊

1722843411651.jpeg
 
katlupe said:
"How do you forgive an affair?"

I don't. Once my trust in someone is gone there is no getting it back.
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because it could have been you. Don't say " not possible". Life has a way of making you rethink your absolutes.
old medic said:
I'll give the short story... We were having a hard time on several level's... And a seemingly wonderful lady stepped into my life. Over a few weeks things blossomed into a romantic relationship. Nothing sexual happened.. not from her lack of trying... I done my best to refrain from taking advantage of the situation.... DW decided she deserved something on the side and wont go into that either...
It took years but we rebuilt and looking at 40 years in Jan...
No one is perfect
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Teacher Terry said:
I got married young at 18 and by 19 had a baby. 3 years later I found out he had a fling and I left him. My third husband told me he was a one woman man. I found out he had an affair 13 years later and forgave him. 9 years later he did it again during covid unvaccinated. Turns out he cheated on his first wife too. I divorced him.
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good for you
 
Most likely the Significant other is searching for more in the relationship.
Value is a common choice with that.
____________
U been told UR a lot of fun but ain't worth shit. Sure, ya are!
 
You can forgive......but you never forget. I think the worst outcome of cheating is when, say the woman has had an affair and the result was she became pregnant to her lover but kept it quiet and told the husband the baby was his. 16 years ahead the husband finds out via a blood test, the boy is not his. He has loved this boy and has paid for everything, schooling, sporting and everything to make his life happy and the son looks on him as his paternal father. Should he be able to sue her for all the heartbreak she has caused him and his "son". I'm sure this has happened before.
 
oscash said:
You can forgive......but you never forget. I think the worst outcome of cheating is when, say the woman has had an affair and the result was she became pregnant to her lover but kept it quiet and told the husband the baby was his. 16 years ahead the husband finds out via a blood test, the boy is not his. He has loved this boy and has paid for everything, schooling, sporting and everything to make his life happy and the son looks on him as his paternal father. Should he be able to sue her for all the heartbreak she has caused him and his "son". I'm sure this has happened before.
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oh yes they can sue and they do.... I've witnessed it
 
rbtvgo said:
because it could have been you. Don't say " not possible". Life has a way of making you rethink your absolutes.
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While I agree with you, most of us have "deal-breakers" within relationships, whether with companies, friends and spouses.

I would tolerate a lot from my husband before leaving, but an affair would be a no-go. I grew up with an endlessly cheating father who also molested his daughters, so I have little regard for those who choose to betray relationships for immediate, selfish se#ual gratification (and/or the powerful feeling that brings).
And make no mistake, doing so is a conscious choice.

Granted, this is a hot button for me. But mine wasn't a rare experience. Some 20% of girls and 5% of boys recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident.
Child Sexual Abuse Statistics – The National Center for Victims of Crime

So yeah, it's a deal-breaker for a lot of spouses.
 
Those with strong monagamist views of relationships like this person don't "forgive" adultery. Infidelity is and should be a final relationship ending taboo.

For those with weak monagamist views of relationships, the result in society is what we now find. Unfortunately much popular public media has been at war with monaganism and historic gender relationships for the last 4 decades, bringing it to the level now it is socially acceptable. During my lifetime, I've known significant numbers of men and women that though married were cheaters and liars from the start of their marriage. Especially those that entered into legal relationships due to irresponsible unplanned pregnancies.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
I can forgive the sex. Stuff happens. But after, each time, walking in the front door like nothing happened- no way. I don't think I ever said anything, but both my exes told friends if there was an affair, it was over.
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I think a lot of people reading this can agree, in a general way. As I described on page one, I didn't like repeated unfaithful behavior. Mistrust led to loss of respect which led to loss of interest in my first wife.

My forgiveness of her took a lot of inner work, but it gradually became a reality for me. It probably would have been greatly delayed, maybe not so possible, if I'd tried to tolerate her any longer within some sort of "relationship". I followed my instinct.
 
Well, my hb of 30 yrs cheated on me for most of it and I knew it passively. We married when we were 30 when I was a nurse and he was a Secret Service agent. I was able to quit work and volunteer all the time. I did paramedic on volunteer rescue squad, went to vet tech school and volunteered with a local vet or the tough cases and more, volunteered at the local shelter...you get it.

I was able to do all the things I loved because of our relationship. We stopped sleeping together after 3 yrs of marriage but we always hugged and kissed and had respect. I never cheated on him or had the urge to do so. He lied to me, cheated on me and yadda yadda.

He was discreet about it, only doing it when he traveled when was at least once a month. We still cared for each other to a point. We divorced I started to search him and I found out I was his second wife and that he had never divirced his first wife. And I found out a whole lot more. It's been interesting but I must say the intimate part of our marriage was not as important as the cerebrel part.
 
Sometimes, as it has been said before, you don't know what your losing until it is gone. Sometimes, in life, we think we are the people who made a bad mistake in life partner. Then we find out that the problem is not the life partner but ourselves because we are not what we thought we were. Think about it.
The problem a lot of times is ourself.
just a thought
 
I have a good friend that was also a pilot and is also now retired. He was 59 years old at the time when he learned his wife was cheating on him. He knew I was usually off on Wednesdays, so he called me and asked if he could come to my house and speak with me and of course I told him to come on down to my home. He lived in Maryland and I was living in Norther Virginia, just outside of D.C.

He said he was very suspicious for a long time, so he decided that while she was at work, he would get into her laptop’s hard drive and read as much as he could. It didn’t take him long to find enough conversations to prove that an affair was going on. When he approached his wife, at first she denied it, but after he showed her the printouts he made, she gave it up. It had been going on for 13 years. She swore they only had sex twice and that she was not in love with him.

He didn’t want to break up the family, so they went to a marriage counselor and the counselor was a female and he told the wife, the first thing she needs to do when they get home is to call this man and in front of her husband tell her friend that she is breaking off the relationship and she really never loved him. He kept trying to talk her into staying with him and that’s when my friend grabbed the phone from her and told him, if he tried to contact her again, he was going to wait for him outside of his workplace and straighten out the situation. That ended the relationship.

He asked me what I would have done and I told him I really didn’t know. I could only imagine, but I would have to heal first and get my head on straight. I asked him what did this other man do for a living. He said he was an engineer at a defense contractor. I know my friend was earning close to $300k per year and the engineer was probably earning around $200k. I don’t mean to say money was the reason, but more than likely with wives of pilots, they do spend a lot of time alone. My friend flew international routes, so he was probably gone 5 days every week. She may have just been lonely.

That was about 15 years ago and they did stay together, but the marriage is not the same. I can feel the difference when we go out with them. The affair really did effect the marriage and I can also tell he isn’t the same person he was before the affair. The last time he spoke about it, which was about 5 years ago, he told me he has never forgiven her.
 

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