How do you know if it's too late

ronk

ronk

Member
My brother's 68th birthday is today. My Dad & step-mother were supposed to come over, but had to cancel. My Dad has pneumonia. Apparently Dad is still getting around a bit, he's not in the hospital. I'm concerned about Dad's health, and that of my brother.

My brother has diabetes, and problems with the circulation in his legs. He's had an open sore for a few weeks or months. It isn't healing. I try to get him to take better care of himself, but he won't listen. I've always had problems with him because he just doesn't care about how to interact with people, and show respect. I'm talking about the basic stuff that most of us take for granted.

When I first returned to Minnesota, all of us got together to watch the monthly wrestling events. But my Dad developed night blindness, and won't drive at night any more. We're lucky to get together once every 3 months. My brother and I live in the same building and see each other maybe once a week. But the experience is always exhausting.

I've given up on my grandiose expectations for wonderful family gatherings. And I wonder if we're running out of time.
 

Ron, I sympathise. I come from a disfunctional family. Eventually I gave up on having a meaningful relationship with anyone but my son. It was simply too exhausting trying to force feed an intimacy that no one but me wanted.
 
My brother is very large, due to his diabetes, etc. He uses a wide wheelchair. He refuses to get a haircut, trim or comb his hair. He refuses to get dressed. Instead, he wears a stupid hospital gown that doesn't cover half his body. No one needs to see that much exposed skin. When I visit, he plays a game on his computer. I usually feel ignored.
 
I've never had a close knit family and I've got no complaints at all.

Mom, dad and stepdad have been gone for quite a few years.....two step sisters in Indiana and two more in Wisconsin and I haven't seen any one of the four since the mid 70's. We may or may not exchange Xmas cards every couple of years.



I've got a forty five year old son from my first marriage that lives in Georgia and I've got three grand kids from him with the oldest being around twenty now......I met the grand kids for the first and only time in 2009. My DIL and I normally exchange short emails at Xmas.

For those that have close families I think that is great but I don't feel the least bit slighted because I don't.
 
Shalimar said:
Ron, I sympathise. I come from a disfunctional family. Eventually I gave up on having a meaningful relationship with anyone but my son. It was simply too exhausting trying to force feed an intimacy that no one but me wanted.
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I agree; and if a person keeps trying to force a relationship to meet their expectations of what it should be, many times the person just winds up old and bitter -- and other people want to be around him or her even less because they see him or her as trying to be controlling. It's a no-win situation. You can't have a relationship with a person who doesn't want a relationship with you.
 
I'm dealing with a brother problem too. My younger brother ( 2 years my junior) lives in Hawaii. He hasn't been home (the Midwest) for four years. I told my other brother that it hurts me that Hawaii brother doesn't miss us. Other brother asked me if
I even knew Hawaii brother! I guess I was giving Hawaii brother more credit than he deserved, since he announced at my second parent's death that there was no reason for him to come home now. I seriously thought he was kidding! It's going to be hard to roll back my expectations after all these years. Is there a book for "sisters who love too much?" Lol!

suze
 
I guess many of us have people like this in our family. I have an unruly brother that likes to drink a lot and call you up and then he does not remember what he said or promises he made while he was drunk. He thinks if says he is sorry that makes it all better. He says things like " why are you doing this to me? I said I was sorry"

I do my best to cut out all negative influences in my life, if a family member falls into that category, well sucks to be them. I am way to old to deal with nonsense any more. I do not know how much time I have left on this planet so I choose to enjoy all my time. Do not fret on people that do not respond to your kindness just cut them off and forget about them.
 
ronknights said:
My brother's 68th birthday is today. My Dad & step-mother were supposed to come over, but had to cancel. My Dad has pneumonia. Apparently Dad is still getting around a bit, he's not in the hospital. I'm concerned about Dad's health, and that of my brother.

My brother has diabetes, and problems with the circulation in his legs. He's had an open sore for a few weeks or months. It isn't healing. I try to get him to take better care of himself, but he won't listen. I've always had problems with him because he just doesn't care about how to interact with people, and show respect. I'm talking about the basic stuff that most of us take for granted.

When I first returned to Minnesota, all of us got together to watch the monthly wrestling events. But my Dad developed night blindness, and won't drive at night any more. We're lucky to get together once every 3 months. My brother and I live in the same building and see each other maybe once a week. But the experience is always exhausting.

I've given up on my grandiose expectations for wonderful family gatherings. And I wonder if we're running out of time.
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There must be several internet sites with professional advice on that very subject. What do they recommend?
 
My Dad ha been married 3 times. My brother & I are part of the original family. Each time my Dad married, my brother & I got pushed out of the family. I have a sister, from the second marriage, who I really don't know. His 3rd wife had 3 grown children. I don't know them. Dad has been married to his 3rd wife for over 30 years. Holidays suck because we're never included.

I'm coming to accept, again, that my brother and I will never have any really rewarding relationship. Yes, he does want company sometimes. But he stopped caring about social "manners" over 30 years ago. He believes everyone owes him something because of his health, the fact that he's on disability etc. We live in the same building. I don't initiate contact.
 
Ron, here is some free access to some professional advice, (and I am a pro. Lol.) What I have found effective in my personal life when family members proved impossible to connect with, is, first of all, emotional distance from the selfish

behaviour of the "offenders." Their world ends at the tip of their nose, totally short sighted. We don't exist for them as separate
Individuals with our own needs/emotions. They are toxic. Secondly, I have sought out "family of choice," like minded people who share the same values, at least on some level,as my own. It works for me.
 
I'm being treated for chronic depression, etc. At this point, it's easy. I just don't initiate contact with my brother. He has weird hours, and he needs to spend time resting his leg, in hopes that the wound will finally eal, etc. I see my parents maybe every 3 months. They're nice enough when they're around.
 

Ronknights,
How sad that your dad chose to alienate you and your brother from his second and third families. I'm sure he missed out on so much quality family time. I can't imagine having that happen. Somewhere inside him he must feel the loss. Family can be the most disappointing entity in a life. I think because people are so different and have children for so many different reasons it can turn out so many different ways. But blood relatives seem to be able to hurt us the worst in my opinion. I wish I knew what to say...

suze
 
I've tried to discuss this with Dad over the decades. We never got very far. My Dad really isn't into sharing feelings. Awhile ago he mentioned being at a family celebration, mentioned being with his grandchildren and great grandchildren. I don't know any of them.

There really isn't much to say. I'm glad I moved from Maine to Minnesota. We had some good times, and will likely have some nice visits. But my brother and I will never get to be with the "current family" for the holidays. My brother will never be the big brother I wanted and needed. I feel much better if I don't think about it too much.
 
I think you've made the right decision to just accept it. You certainly can't force it, and to keep on trying to force it will just make you more and more disappointed. Speaking from experience, acceptance is the best route to take.
 

Ronknights you are so right about acceptance. I'm discovering I'm not that good at it. I admire your ability to do that, and don't blame you for not thinking about it often. I certainly don't want to be the cause of any further pain, but thank you for sharing--really.

Butterfly, thanks for your comment & encouragement. Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

suze
 
Depression is probably the main issue. Everyone suffers disappointment …..everyone. Some bear it well, others not. It is the strength within us that makes all of the difference. It's not outside of us.


I have 2 children from my previous marriage. They were only 2 and 3 years old at the time. I am both romantic and sensitive. I got over the separation with my wife because well …. we divorced not despite our relationship - but because of it. Our children however, well. I loved them dearly and I still have difficulty talking about them even at this very moment.Anyway, it took about 5 years before I could walk past a day-care centre or any school with young children playing outside. I had to go out of my way to avoid them. But eventually I realized that the situation was out of my hands and that I had to accept life as it is. I am not going into detail but they are today 22 and 23 … and I haven't seen or heard from either of them in about 9 years. The pain I feel is not because of them or of my ex-wife. True, the situation is “in their court” but the pain is mine, and mine alone. The final analyses is this:

1). I have no control over the lack of contact so the only thing to do is accept it.
2). Thinking about them causes me pain so I avoid thinking about them.


It is up to me (or you) whether or not I (or you) suffer. The symptoms of “depression”– if that's what it is – can be treated by understanding that the situation is out of our hands …... just like the rain or the fact that our neighbour has painted his house bright red with yellow stripes. “It don't mean a thing”. Accept it and live with it. There are so many other things to enjoy and capture our positive interests. Therein lies the solution – nurturing that which pleases us instead.
 
I'm not perfect. I accept things as they are most of the time. At least my parents visit once every 3 months. Dad calls me for computer support, or to tell me about his latest discovery, etc.

I'm most worried about my Dad now because he's 88. Any time he has a health problem, it appears to intensify immediately. He had to cancel my brother's birthday party on June 9 because he thought he had pneumonia He'd been to see the doctor. That night, or the next night, he ended up in the emergency room. They said he might have congestive heart failure, but maybe it was fluid retention. He was supposed to see his General Practitioner Doctor yesterday. I'd expected a call on his progress. I haven't heard from him yet. Guess I'll try calling him on Sunday.
 
There are definitely some very strong people weighing in on this subject. It's very encouraging to someone like me who doesn't have much of a community of people my own age locally. I have done more quality thinking in the few days I've been listening and sharing here than I have in a long time. Your strength inspires me and shakes up my complacency which was needed. My heart goes out to those suffering from loss and disappointment.

suze
 
Really son, my Hubby's brother is a world class bastard. Turn two kids away from us, basically kidnap his senile Dad, rewrite the will with him and wife over bro and sister executors...then try to put the frickin' house for sale under us. I could kill him with my bare hands but he isn't worth prison. A painful death why of course...
 
fureverywhere said:
... my Hubby's brother is a world class bastard. ...
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Ron, I hear you and fully sympathize. Family was everything to me. I still have A son and two grandsons left. All caring, but justifiably busy with their own lives. In the end it all comes down to being on our own. We have to rely on our own resources. Your brother for all of his neglect and "don't give a damn" attitude is probably doing better mentally than you are. My advice to you is to find an interest or seek out new friends. Hey! Talk to us! I have found this place very helpful during a very rough time in my life. Listen to Shali. Let it go. I have distilled my own life philosophy down to two words. Accept and adapt.
 

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