How do you know if it's too late

Depression is an illness not a choice/character flaw. People who have been abused almost invariably suffer depression at some point in their lives, if not PTSD also. Long term trauma does that. Positive attitudes have their limitations. The fact that you are

a kind person speaks volumes Ron. You have retained your humanity under terrible circumstances. I honour you for it. I battle depression from time to time myself. I do understand. Peeps here will listen to you. You aren't alone. Hugs.
 

Underock1, Shalimar, and the rest of you, thanks once again for your understanding and kind words. My brother is really a mess. He doesn't leave his apartment. He doesn't need to. His medical doctor, nurses, etc come to him. He gets Meals on Wheels, and has a housecleaner who also gets groceries for him. He never learned to socialize, and never will.

I need to get out more. I need to get back to my doctor first. I need to check out what's happening with my blood pressure etc. I can't do much of anything before I feel like I'm going to faint, etc. I'll do that next month. I need to have the copays to see the doctor etc.
 
I ask myself the same question about whether or not to give up. I have two brothers, one very much like Ronknight's brother and another, nicer one, who is married. For years I would try to get them all to come to my house for Christmas, but their relationship kept going downhill until now they each refuse to come if the other one is coming! So I am forced to chose and end up inviting the "nice" brother with the wife who I adore. Yet, I always miss the other brother and feel like with such a small family we should make more effort to all get along.
 
Della, I think that it is difficult for sociable people who value family connection to come to terms with the fact that not everyone feels the same way. I believe you are doing the right thing by spending time with positive relatives, rather than continually breaking your heart over your other brother, regardless of how much you miss him.
 
Shalimar,
Without knowing it you delivered a message to me about my brother in Hawaii who I have been "breaking my heart" over. He isn't going to change. He isn't going to miss us here in his hometown. He wasn't here when my husband died. Time to deal with this realistically for my own sake. Thank you!

suze
 
I've been a member here for about a month. You all have made me feel very welcome. Thank you!

The best thing you can do in relationships is to know what will change and what will not. Our first priority has to be ourselves, and those who depend on us (our children, etc.) People, by and large, don't "change." Some people might learn their mistakes, make amends, etc. But you'll know the ones who really care about rebuilding a relationship, etc. Make the best of what you have.

I am grateful for the good times I've shared with the family. We hadn't been together for birthdays in over 30 years. Now we're on our second or third year of family birthdays etc.
 
Don, one thing to remember is that you are not the problem. I thought that relative to my relatives for years. I spent so much time shy. I thought if I could just get over being shy, learn to relate to them where they are, share myself with them in a real way, it would make the difference. I got over being shy, for my own sake. But when I tried in my new open way, I found they were all just as self-absorbed as they ever were. I'd been raised to believe in the Golden Rule, but when I practiced it with them, it made no difference at all in the relationships. I had to accept that no none of them would ever be friends I could count on, and some of them would dish out undeserved kicks to the heart.

With your dad, it's hard to accept that he's nearing the end. I lost my dad when I was 34, and my mom when I was 60. They were both good, loving people. I remember one time when I went to see Dad toward the end, he was laying on the couch trying so hard to breath. He had congestive heart failure. He said that it was getting to be too much work, he didn't want to pass because he was afraid of what it would do to Mom. But he knew he couldn't hold on much longer. He said, "I didn't get any love letters today." I kidded him about it. But when I went home I wrote him a love letter, one addressed to him and Mom about how wonderful they had been to me. That way he had something to read and hold onto when I wasn't there.

You can get through this. You can. And like the others have said, we are here. We will listen.
 
Phoenix said:
Don, one thing to remember is that you are not the problem. I thought that relative to my relatives for years. I spent so much time shy. I thought if I could just get over being shy, learn to relate to them where they are, share myself with them in a real way, it would make the difference. I got over being shy, for my own sake. But when I tried in my new open way, I found they were all just as self-absorbed as they ever were. I'd been raised to believe in the Golden Rule, but when I practiced it with them, it made no difference at all in the relationships. I had to accept that no none of them would ever be friends I could count on, and some of them would dish out undeserved kicks to the heart.

With your dad, it's hard to accept that he's nearing the end. I lost my dad when I was 34, and my mom when I was 60. They were both good, loving people. I remember one time when I went to see Dad toward the end, he was laying on the couch trying so hard to breath. He had congestive heart failure. He said that it was getting to be too much work, he didn't want to pass because he was afraid of what it would do to Mom. But he knew he couldn't hold on much longer. He said, "I didn't get any love letters today." I kidded him about it. But when I went home I wrote him a love letter, one addressed to him and Mom about how wonderful they had been to me. That way he had something to read and hold onto when I wasn't there.

You can get through this. You can. And like the others have said, we are here. We will listen.
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That letter must have been a treasure to them in their final days. When you are summing up your life you want to hear someone say "You did good".
 
When we are young, we are taught to attempt to get along with everyone, to believe that if we are kind we will be loved. Sadly, this does not always hold true. As I have so often said, for whatever time I have left, I choose to spend it with the warm and fuzzy people, rather than the cold, self absorbed ones. I deserve it.
 
Underock1 said:
That letter must have been a treasure to them in their final days. When you are summing up your life you want to hear someone say "You did good".
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Thank you, Underrock1.

That's been a hard lesson for me, Shalimar. But you are right.
 

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