How do you know when it's too late to get back together.

ronk

ronk

Member
Our family has moved around over the decades. In very recent years we all settled back here in Minnesota. I knew it was time to come back here myself. Dad just turned 88. My brother had remained in MN since he moved here in 1972. I had only seen him once in 25 years.

We've had some good times since we all finally moved back to the same general area. But the visits have become less frequent. I usually don't see my parents during the winter. It almost seems we've fallen into a 3-month cycle. Dad drives. His wife, my step mother, doesn't. Dad can't drive at night any more. Our primary method of Family Bonding has been to watch the WWE Wrestling Pay Per Views at my apartment. We had to stop because Dad can't drive at night.

We got together for my birthday on March 21. Dad and I went out to eat once, a few weeks ago. Dad was going to come over last week so I could help him with a computer project. He called to cancel because he'd been grocery shopping and just didn't feel well. It's been a week and I haven't heard from him.

My family is somewhat scattered. Dad is on his 3rd marriage. My brothers and I were in the 1st marriage. Over the decades, the original sons were pushed away from the current family. Dad never was much for expressing emotions. At times we'd do some father son projects together, and enjoy ourselves.

I am just worried we might have already run out of time. I hope he lives many more years, happy and healthy.
 

Well, I am pretty sure it's too late for my family to get back together. There's only one sibling and me left -- I guess it's not just me -- and we haven't spoken in nearly 4 years.

My first thought reading your post was, how close do you live to your dad and step-mother? I think you said you live in the same building as your brother -- how far is that from your dad's place?

My second thought -- to be honest -- was, Why on earth haven't you called your dad since he's 88 and you haven't heard from him in a week? (I am soft-pedaling this -- I know tones of voice don't register online.) Especially since he wasn't feeling well. Or maybe you have tried to reach him and he hasn't answered/replied.

Can you and your brother drive to his house and watch PPV wrestling there? Or could he drive to your place in the daylight, spend the night, and drive home the next day?

I have found in my life that if people really want to get together they will find a way, or make a way. I have also found that if people won't, it means they don't. And it takes both parties.
 
I too thought there might be some options for your dad to visit more often. How far away is he?
 

My parents live maybe 30 miles away. My brother is very large, and has to use an extra wide wheelchair. He'd need to use a bus with a wheelchair lift to go anywhere. He gave up on that idea awhile ago. I don't have a car. We have a very limited bus service here in Hastings. I'd need to take the local bus and connect to the Minneapolis/St Paul bus service. It would likely be an all-day affair to attempt that trip.

I've tried calling Dad before. Most of the time I can't reach him. Our family is complicated. Each time Dad got married, we've been pushed farther and farther from the family. They've been married 35 years, and I don't even know my stepmother's grown children. They keep us at a distance.
 
Ron, I think you know the answer to your question. I'm not trying to be cruel, just honest. But it's you that you need to look after at this time. It sounds like this has been a family pattern that you thought might change, but hasn't. Accept it. Do what you feel you should to reach out to your father, but don't beat yourself up when it doesn't work out. Say to yourself "I tried" and move on. It sounds like you have some relationship with your brother so be thankful for that. I say this because I can understand what you are feeling. I am an only child with both parents deceased, widowed with one son (previous marriage). My son lives away from me, and that's OK. It's his life and he has to live it where he wants. For those of us single retirees, it is difficult to be in this situation. I know for me I didn't realize how much it would affect me. I was always foot loose and fancy free, not really caring about all that family stuff. But now, OUCH! I am in the process of making a second multi-state move, looking for where I belong. It's not easy, and has been emotionally stressful, but I refuse to give up! Hopefully learning from my mistakes. I can wish for a lot of different scenarios, but that doesn't change the reality of life. It is difficult going from working to a fixed income and we have to make adjustments. It doesn't happen over night, and i'm still working on it! But you have to change your mind-set, be your own cheerleader, and start working on those things that will bring joy in your life. Especially when we are alone, it is very easy to fall in the trap of "what if's" but it serves no purpose and can be detrimental..I know! I hope this gives you some food for thought but also encouragement that you are not the only one dealing with these issues:peace:
 
CuriousKate, thanks for that reply. I'm having trouble putting together the right words now. Maybe I need a nap.

My brother and I aren't terribly close. He gave up on his life back in the 1970s when he lost a job. He's been on Social Security Disability ever since. He has absolutely no social skills, and doesn't really care. Sometimes he can be quite rude. But he's my brother, and the reason I chose to live in this building, in Hastings. I could have chosen to live in the city of Minneapolis again. I could have better transportation, etc.

But I was traumatized by the 20+ years I lived in Minneapolis before. I had been robbed, mugged, etc. I suffered from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from that experience. It took me maybe 10 years or more to start getting over those feelings. And that was only because my (ex) wife showed a bit of tolerance (inconsistently). We lived in Maine. Hastings MN is even smaller than where we lived in Maine. So yeah I made a wise choice moving to Hastings instead of living in Minneapolis.
 
Shalimar, thanks. People my age have experience PTSD before it had a name. My traumatic experiences began in early childhood. My mother was "emotionally challenged," and spent much of her life in and out of institutions. My Dad was often violently abusive, beating the crap out of us. That stopped when I was 16, and he jumped on me. I pushed him across the room. He never tried to attack me again. My brothers and I were brutally attacked by gangs for three years in high school. That only stopped when we moved from Ohio to New Hampshire.

Yeah I experienced a lot more challenges since then. My time in the Army National Guard didn't help.
 
Ron, I have PTSD also. I get it. We both fought wars on the fields of childhood. Traumatic adult experiences too. Good for you for retaining your humanity regardless. I applaud your strength. For peeps like us, it is a victory.
 
Thanks, Shalimar. I just called my Dad & had a bit of a chat. I told him about finding this forum. He wanted to know the URL. I told him it's nice to sometimes have a place to hang out where I don't worry about Dad reading my messages. He doesn't like it when I talk about the family, even when I leave out the abusive parts.

We talked for a few minutes, then his wife yelled at him. They went grocery shopping. We almost never get to talk without her yelling at him to interrupt us. They'll celebrate their 36th Anniversary on Monday.
 
Every dawn brings forth a new day, filled with promise. What you choose to do with this new opportunity, is completely up to you. One would think they would have been better to try and possibly loose, than to have never tried at all; just a thought.
 

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