Humor - Doctors

Prehistoric surgery

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The doctor says to his patient, "Well, your results are back and they show that you are crazy."

"Crazy?", yells the patient. "Crazy? What kind of diagnosis is that? I want a second opinion! I have medical insurance and it covers second opinions and I demand a second opinion!"

"OK," says the doctor, standing back and looking the patient over, "You're ugly, too."

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Do you know what the difference is between a surgeon and God? God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

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A nurse stops a doctor in the hall and asks, "Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"

"Damn," cries the doctor, "Some asshole has my pen."
 

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Patient: Doctor, whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I'm all right.
Doctor: Then wait for half an hour before getting up.

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Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'

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Nurse: Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?
Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!
 
Sentences exactly as typed on health records:

1. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

4. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

5. While in ER, Eva was examined, X-rated and sent home.

6. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

7. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

8. Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

9. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
 

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