I’m a different person since Devin died.

I'm so sorry, this is the impact of grief and it is unpredictable and hard.
I suggest you join a bereavement group online as well as of course being here. There are many excellent groups where there are people who know exactly how you feel and you get wonderful support.
I joined a suicide survivor support group two weeks after Devin died. We meet once a week. I joined two other similar online groups. I am in therapy.
 

I feel your pain in your words. You have wonderful communication skills and good sense and things are going to get better for you but it will take time, maybe a long time to recover from the horrible shock and loss you've suffered. The only think I can say is take each day as it comes and try to get through it. Perhaps look for one positive thing each day. I mean a positive thing about your life or living. I know how hard this is.

I lost my baby sister the same way but many years ago. I feel tears welling up inside still when I think of her but the shock is mostly gone now. I'm keeping you in my prayers and sending healing vibes to you. You are loved by so many and with them/us you will find your way again. 💜 🌹

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@Ruthanne I am deeply sorry about your sister. 💔 Loss of a loved one under any circumstances is wretched. Unexpected loss, especially by suicide, adds a whole other level of anguish.
 
@Ronni, what do want for yourself and for your remaining children now? Can you share this with others? Is this a goal you can work towards?

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I have no idea @chic.

I’m still only able to focus on functioning well enough to get through each day. I am chronically exhausted regardless of how much sleep I get, which is sometimes a lot and other times hardly any at all.

I’m just going through the motions right now. My days, minus social activities, look from the outside pretty much like they did before Devin died. The difference now is that what before was just a sort of automatic sequence of daily actions that I did routinely, now take thought and effort and all my considerable force of will to manage. The idea of doing more, focusing on future stuff, making plans….I just don’t have the horsepower. It’s taking everything I have to just get done with each day.
 
Hey Ronni, it is great to see you back and trying, who
cares what you look like, as long as you have turned a
corner.

You are still the mother of 5, unfortunately, one has
gone, but you are here and trying and succeeding I
think.

You have been missed, but we all understand why and
each one here is still praying for your recuperation.

Of course, you won't be the same, yet, but the longer
you try, then things will start to look better, both, to you
and we also will notice the change, keep at it.

Mike.
 
In the face of God no soul ist lost. If life has become unbearable for someone, why should he or she not choose this possibility? As far as we know only the human being is capable of committing suicide. God gave us this tool. He knows why.
 
We are here when you want to share - and still here when you don't want to share - we are here in our own loneliness too and like to share with you - but you can tell us that's enough for now!

There seem to be many solutions and then NO solutions and our minds are just in whirls? We are never complete just working towards it. All on the same planet ; all in the same boat with a noisy end and a quiet end.

Exodus 33:14
 

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