I had a Black Dog - His name was Depression!

I once heard a song sung by a friend of mine .. it went like this .. where are you going sir with your black dog.. .. I thought he was really going for a walk with his black dog meaning a labrador or something till I was told he was going to be quiet by himself and breathe the fresh air ... Depression is hard. It's hard work. It's genetic and chemical.

It's not the same as being depressed that- you lost your job, you have no money for bills, or you lost the love of your life.. . It's inside you, a feeling, a hurt, a pain. Even when you have a reason to be happy- you aren't. Bottling it up inside will cause it to come exploding out of you. You need to talk to people who are positive. Get out and exercise. Eat healthy foods.

A healthy body and spirit can do wonders for emotional health., while I have never suffered depression and am very placid by nature I have had some very bad situations in my life where I could have gone this way.. amazing I didn`t as I immediately thought of other people or try too .. ... not easy for some to do.. but for others who are really depressed like our son Mark or my stepson who died 5 years ago at 45 , he had huntingtons disease inherited from his mother and he felt like the whole world was against him .. he tried many times to end his lfe.. and he did in the end... was so sad.my husband found him and that has ruined his life too in a way.. .

I tried all I could to help Mark but he couldn`t be helped , wouldn`t listen to any one.. but I used to say to him.. Mark please you need to realize you are not alone.. even when it feels like you are.. people all around the world , probably people close to you have even experienced the same thing.. please talk about it , don`t feel ashamed., don`t hide behind false emotions , because chances are when you let people in they can help and heal you , and you can help heal them.. he used to stagger all over when he walked and people were so unkind,,yelling out to him ohh ! go on have another drink one more won`t hurt..so Mark was a lovely lad.. had the world at his feet he travelled the world before he was diagnosed with his disease to program computers even in Hawaii and also California

.. he was so gifted but when he got diagnosed he just gave up to the monster like you say Black Dog which got him in the end.. so please if your prone to this sad illness seek help any way you can , there are others who can help and with out drugging you to the eyeballs.. sorry if I rambled on but this is so dear to my heart as having lived through it ..
 

The positive company may work for one type of depression Rainee but there is more than one.

Depression due to a miserable situation, pain, loss, feelings of inadequacy in short that having a recognizable reason, is a little (or lot) different to what is termed the 'the Black Dog' type which really has no good discernible reason to be found. A chin-up, smile and hug to someone who is suffering loss may bolster their spirits but, and this just amateur opinion, trying to jolly up someone who doesn't know why they feel so desolate can have the opposite effect.
It could just make them feel more guilty about being like that. It gives them the impression that no one understands just how they really feel at all and are making light of it. That what they feel is unacceptable to those they love most and as they can't help being like that they would be better off out of the way.
A depressed farmer on the brink of losing everything might be turned around overnight with a lotto win, but someone with 'chemical depression' won't be.

I could be 180 degrees wrong on this but it seem to me that letting them explain it, without trying to argue with them, or being patronising about how they feel, and helping them to accept it for what it is, and work around it at least initially would have more positive effect in supporting and persuading them to get professional help.

The 'art of positive thinking' simply doesn't apply to someone incapable of it. That is the whole problem! There's no logic involved in it.

They don't need sunshine and kind words, they want understanding and acceptance and an honestly interested ear. You don't have to agree with their 'plans', just accept their word when they describe how they feel. Give them the dignity of believing them. Giving them a lifeline of someone non judgemental to talk to about it may be the very thing that will change their 'plans.' Just as negotiators talk suicides down off buildings with nothing but a few words of understanding. They don't go out there and tell potential jumpers that they're stupid for jumping because they're young and healthy and have no reason that the negiator approves of to do it. It's insulting. I'd jump just to nark the pompous b*! (kidding)


The last thing someone with a broken leg wants to hear is "oh that's nothing to worry about, think of all the other things you can still do, just get some crutches and go for a walk in the sunshine that'll cure it." It may be meant well but it can be construed as rather demeaning to the real predicament. Doesn't anyone else think that sending get well soon cards to terminal patients is a little cruel at best and downright insulting to their intelligence overall?

Depressed people aren't idiots. They know exactly all the good things they have on offer, they just don't care about or value them, and feel guilty that they don't. Pointing those wonderful things out to them just exacerbates the guilt and depression. Why they don't value the good things in their life is their problem.

That is how I see the 'chemical' black dog. But I'm just basing this opinion on the type I had, which did have an underlying reason. When I pinned down the reason and 'filed' it where it belonged the 'dog' shrank. It must be pure hell to not find that reason.
Don't downplay that with empty platitudes. They need empathy, not sympathy and certainly not to be told cheerfully that a long walk will cure them.
 
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The black dog also makes you feel guilty for feeling as you do; when you appear to have everything going for you.
 

Ina, as I read about all your experiences that you've shared with us, I thought of the saying that whatever doesn't kill us, just makes us stronger. I admire your strength, your resilience after all your hardships, your kind and loving character. Say the word, and write it over and over if you wish, but please never do it. I know you're still suffering with dark thoughts and physical pains, but you will get through it, things will get better. You are surrounded by love and those who care, in your home, and right here. Hugs to you dear Ina, have a lovely day. :girl_hug: :glittered:
 
Hi Sea, My mind is strong, just not so much my body. Oh well, that's the breaks as they say. I shouldn't have said anything. I know this forum is for up-lifting people, not the opposite. Thank you for all the encouragement. :cart:
 
What do you mean; you shouldn't have said anything?
why not?
if you can't let rip on here, where can you?
 
Ina said:
Hi Sea, My mind is strong, just not so much my body. Oh well, that's the breaks as they say. I shouldn't have said anything. I know this forum is for up-lifting people, not the opposite.
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This forum is for seniors to discuss real life experiences and share opinions on everything, whether it is happy or sad. I wouldn't be on a forum that only sugar-coated everything for a "feel good" appearance, how fake is that? Besides, extremely on topic for this particular thread anyway. Don't stop sharing Ina, we all benefit from it. :)
 
SeaBreeze said:
This forum is for seniors to discuss real life experiences and share opinions on everything, whether it is happy or sad. I wouldn't be on a forum that only sugar-coated everything for a "feel good" appearance, how fake is that? Besides, extremely on topic for this particular thread anyway. Don't stop sharing Ina, we all benefit from it. :)
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What she said.
 
Sea, Viv, Cee, Di, Rainie, & Judi.D, I just got through reading your posts of yesterday and today, and I thank all of you for your words of encouragement. I don't think things have been right for me since I received the blood clot to my frontal lobe at seven. I was "raised" to be a self contained individual, (developed in foster homes and hospitals), and nothing else was acceptable. I spent most of my life trying to being the strength that my family needed. And it work so well that now that same family will not accept me as I am now. They got use to a smiling face, and an easy shoulder to lean on. I have always denied my physical short comings to myself and them, so what can I expect now.
I do go to a pain clinic, at a monthly $500. cash lay-out for the prescriptions alone. I only take about half the recommended dosage so I can control the aggressive need to use more.
Your friendships have helped me tremendously. You help me see some light. But, you make it hard for me to hide my feelings from myself and others. THANKS AGAIN!! Laughter really is the best medicine. IT's hard to cry when your laughing. :cart:
 
Stop hiding all those feelings.

I don't care if you swear, shout, cry or laugh, or anything else at us.

On this forum I have sworn at it, laughed and cried; all in one night.

So......don't hide if you don't want to.
 
I know, Ina; I still find it very hard....somebody else always has to start the conversation, and I never join in until I am feeling reasonable.
you don't have to join in...only if you want to, after all..; then let Phil tell you a story!
 
Ina said:
Sea, Viv, Cee, Di, Rainie, & Judi.D, I just got through reading your posts of yesterday and today, and I thank all of you for your words of encouragement. I don't think things have been right for me since I received the blood clot to my frontal lobe at seven. I was "raised" to be a self contained individual, (developed in foster homes and hospitals), and nothing else was acceptable. I spent most of my life trying to being the strength that my family needed. And it work so well that now that same family will not accept me as I am now. They got use to a smiling face, and an easy shoulder to lean on. I have always denied my physical short comings to myself and them, so what can I expect now.
I do go to a pain clinic, at a monthly $500. cash lay-out for the prescriptions alone. I only take about half the recommended dosage so I can control the aggressive need to use more.
Your friendships have helped me tremendously. You help me see some light. But, you make it hard for me to hide my feelings from myself and others. THANKS AGAIN!! Laughter really is the best medicine. IT's hard to cry when your laughing. :cart:
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Ina, my problems never held a candle to yours but that scenario is eerily familiar. It wasn't until I worked out that I was living 'their' life to 'their' expectations, and not mine, that things started falling into place. Once I realized that my position was one I had allowed myself to be put in, and stopped laying all the blame on 'them' and 'owned' the reason for the depression it was easier to cope with somehow. I made some wrong decisions for all the right reasons and instead of regretting them, just accepted that they were a good idea at the time. It was my decision to 'do my duty' they just expected it, they didn't force me. I didn't regret the duty itself, just never took into the account the length of time I was committing to. No crystal ball.

Once I was freed of the self imposed duty to the 'needy' I just packed up and moved, distanced myself from all other expectations. it was too late to live the life I wanted to, but I was free of others' expectations for the best 3 years of my life. Strangely I get on with them better over the phone than in person. That's all good. They are the very best of people but they are younger, healthier active people who expected more from me than I could produce and made me feel guilty that I couldn't manage to do the things that were so easy for them.

Now that they are reaching the 'age of doom' and going down with the family curse of RA themselves I'm getting sympathetic phone calls.
smiley-laughing002.gif

Too late, but kind of smugly satisfying. 'Walk in the shoes' applies.:devilish:

SB and Jen are spot on... letting rip is what the forum is for. We can't support each other if we don't know what the problem is.
If we just want to ignore the pains of life we can go some schmaltzy chat site.
We're experienced adults with little else to do but extend understanding and hopefully a bit of advice and support to each other.
Having a laugh about some of it is a tremendous bonus, but that's not the main reason for the forum's value.

We don't all have to be Pollyanna, even gallows humour has it's therapeutic benefits.
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SifuPhil said:
View attachment 4969
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Anyone remember this old song? Can't find it on Youtube.

Song Lyrics: [Junior:]
Tell me story, tell me story
Tell me story, remember what you said
You promised me you said you would
You got to give in so I'll be good
Tell me a story, then I'll go to bed

[Father:]
Oh, worry, worry, weary ends my day
Time to go home without my raise in pay
Home by the fire where a man can just relax
Sippers there by the chair, not a worry, not a care
Along comes Junior swinging his little axe

[Junior:]
Tell me a story, tell me a story
Tell me a story, remember what you said
Tell me about the birds and bees
How do you make a chicken sneeze
Tell me a story, then I'll go to bed

[Father:]
Came home so late one evening last July
Played a little poker the time had passed me by
Shoes in my hand and my darlin' wife in bed
Up the stairs sayin' a prayer
Then a voice comes through the air ....

[Junior:]
Hi you there, Daddy
Remember what you said

Tell me a story, tell me a story
Tell me a story, remember what you said
Tell me how your eye got black
Because the doorway hit you back
Tell me a story, then I'll go to bed

[Father:]
Once upon a time I remember long ago

[Junior:]
Don't go back in history
Your memory's kinda slow

[Father:]
Stop your noisy talkin'
Until I finish with my tale
Once upon a...

[Junior:]
Upon a what...

[Father:]
Upon your back you'll get a swat

[Junior:]
Tell me about the fish you caught
That's was bigger than a whale

[Junior:]
Tell me a story, tell me a story
Tell me a story, remember what you said
You promised me, you said you would
You gotta give in so I'll be good

[Father:]
Here's a tale you'll never forget
(Tap, tap, tap)

[Junior:]
Ouch
My tails all red

[Father:]
And now get up to bed

[Junior:]
Ha, ha come on Daddy
Tell me a story
Hee, hee
(Hatman)
 
Di, we do seem to have some similarities. I did come to the realization that I too was living their lives, and not my own. I don't blame my family, because I never told them or anyone else my history, and very little to my husband Michael. Starting adult life at 13, then motherhood at 14, had not allowed me enough time to develope a self. At the time I had only two selves, a sexually abused child, which started at 4, and the book world I lived in as much as possible. Books taught me my basic values, and they can set some rather high standards.
I accept that what happened in my own home was my own fault, but I didn't want what happened to me to effect those around me. Plus, I had never had the time to figure out who I was, until they all left. Instead of the adult advice most people get, I read more books, and tried to be like what I found in them. Now my body has changed my abilities, and most of my family haven't a clue why I can't be as before, and I don't have them to even be that old person with anymore. I have not a clue how to straighten it out. And here I don't want ya'll to think of me as one of those sad sacks. :dontworry: :cart:
 
Sad sack never did and never will cross my mind Ina! Looks to me like your straightening things out in your own special way....Kudos for that! :eek:k:
 
And here I don't want ya'll to think of me as one of those sad sacks.
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Can't say 'sad sack' was the impression I got, the opposite in fact. A strong character doing the best she can with what she's got, nothing 'sad' about that attitude Ina.

Do we have to 'sort it out' entirely though? You have the gist of it, the cause of it, and that's the bit we have to live with. The solution is something to be hoped for but not necessary to negotiate our way around the problem itself. I can't ever 'solve' my problems, they went with the people that caused them who really probably never realised that they were the problem anyway. Different situation to yours but I got it 'pegged' and that was enough.

My 'anthem' is "Nothing I Can Do About Now." " .... and I know what I would change, if I went back in time somehow, ...I've forgiven everything that forgiveness will allow,.... and there's nothing I can do about it now."

I read somewhere that mostly sadness stems from the failure to have things go as we want them to. True enough I guess.

Write off the wishes and druthers, we can't change the past, just learn how to live with it, 'file' it to look at when we need to, but keep it from interfering with today. We can't do much about our physical predicaments either, just live with 'em for want of other option.
I'm making some new history, it's not exciting, but at least it's not just living the old one over and over.
 
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