I Think I'm Falling Out of Love

Leann

Leann

Traveler
I've been with a wonderful guy for the past two years. Without hesitation, I could easily list 10 or more of his best qualities. We said "I love you" to one another after a few months of dating and it has been nice having such a nice man in my life. We live about 1200 miles away from one another. I do the traveling to see him because he lists a half-dozen reasons why he can't travel to see me. None of this has to do with money. He is very generous and we both have adequate funds.

The issue is that his life is so narrow and he's solidly set in his ways. And he procrastinates on everything. His house is a mess so when I'm there, we'll work on it together and I encourage him to keep it up until I come back but he never does. His week focuses mainly on going to the grocery store which he does a few times within seven days. He talks about doing other things both major and minor like getting some work done on the exterior of his house or getting a new screen for the kitchen window. Nothing gets done. More than once, I have brought up traveling. It could be by car, boat or plane. He says he wants to go but when it gets down to talking specifics, he loses interest. He has a beautiful boat but we haven't sailed in it since we've been together. In fact, he hasn't sailed her for over five years. He was once a pilot so I know he loves to travel. Or he loved to travel at one time. He takes great care of his health and he isn't on any medications. He sees his physician regularly and his doctor comments about how well he's doing.

He's talked of marriage on multiple occasions and initially I entertained the idea. But it would mean that I would have to leave my home (which I love) and my family (which I love more than anything) to be with him. I feel as if I'd be spending the rest of my life cleaning up his and I would quickly grow resentful. Just going to the grocery store a few times a week and maybe out for a meal once or twice a week isn't going to cut it for me. Maybe at a later point in my life but not right now. And when I talk about doing something new, he'll shut it down because traffic might be bad or it could rain or he doesn't want to deal with crowds. The most I can get him to do is go to a movie every now and then.

I mentioned in an earlier post that he and I were neighbors when we were kids. He comes from a solid family and he's a good guy in many ways.

But over the past few months, I feel like I'm falling out of love with him. I no longer see a future for us together.

I welcome your thoughts, please.
 

Leann said:
We live about 1200 miles away from one another. I do the traveling to see him because he lists a half-dozen reasons why he can't travel to see me. None of this has to do with money.

The issue is that his life is so narrow and he's solidly set in his ways. And he procrastinates on everything. Nothing gets done.

He's talked of marriage on multiple occasions and initially I entertained the idea. But it would mean that I would have to leave my home (which I love) and my family (which I love more than anything) to be with him. I feel as if I'd be spending the rest of my life cleaning up his and I would quickly grow resentful. And when I talk about doing something new, he'll shut it down because traffic might be bad or it could rain or he doesn't want to deal with crowds. The most I can get him to do is go to a movie every now and then.

But over the past few months, I feel like I'm falling out of love with him. I no longer see a future for us together.
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Leann, I think your feelings about him are realistic, and a future together, in my opinion would likely benefit him greatly, you....not so much. I can see why you're falling out of love with him, and I wonder if a mutual 'love' between the two of you was ever real and sincere.

I see a problem with your being 'together' for two years but living 1200 miles away from each other. Especially since you are the only one making the effort to travel for visits, while he makes excuses. Even if he was just plain lazy, if he cared about you enough he would be anxious to spend time with you and come to see you.

If he's that set in his ways, procrastinates on everything and never does anything...and he hasn't made any effort to change since he's been with you, I'd say he values his way of living more than he cares about what you think. If you help him clean up when your there and he lets everything go to pot for your next visit, I don't see that he cares very much about you at all.

If he talked about marriage, but you would have to be the one to move from your home and family to marry him, that's another red flag. You wouldn't be his wife, you'd be his mother and housekeeper. You shouldn't have to 'get him' to go to an occasional movie with you, he should be eager to take you out and show you a good time, even if that's not his usual style.

I'm glad you posted about this, and have given things enough thought to see the reality and follow your common sense, not just your heart. I can't see how you could have ever really been in love with someone who is so self-centered and inconsiderate of you and your needs and wants. So, in my opinion, falling out of love with him is the best thing for you, as I can't see a happy future for you with him either. Don't feel bad about it, feel good...a mistake like that can last a long time and bring you a lot of sadness and heartache. You'd feel very alone even if you were married to him, and that's not the way it should be.
 
You know, I could have written your post, almost word for word, about the relationship I had before I met Ron. He sounds exactly like Ed, with the exception that Ed and I lived in the same city, just across town from each other.

Ed was a good guy, my kids liked him, he was funny and smart and kind and intellectually stimulating. When we got serious, he talked about marriage also, and how we could work together to fix up his house (a lovely old home that was in need of some upgrade, refurbishment and repair) and then we could move to a one story place so that we could age in place for as long as possible. He had a home in another state that he was renting out, and he was going to sell that and use those funds to buy another home while we did the major repairs on his current house, the ones that couldn't be done while living there. His house was very cluttered and I spent countless weekends slowly going through the stuff and organizing it, leaving him with boxes or neat piles or bags of stuff in the spare room or basement that he needed to make decisions on.

Almost three years into the relationship and his out of state house wasn't sold, his current home hadn't even begun to be repaired or refurbished....the only things done to it were the things I did that he said he wanted (new curtains for the living room and dining room, a hutch for the kitchen, plants put out and pictures framed and hung or placed etc.,) and the boxes and piles and bags of things in the spare room and basement hadn't been touched. He was retired so it wasn't like he didn't have time. Like your friend, the highlight of his week was to go to the grocery story. He went several times in a week.

His procrastination was extreme and he also took forever to process stuff...I'm not sure if they're the same thing or not. Though I'm not an impulsive sort, I am generally efficient in making plans and decisions. I'd attempt to plan things with Ed, whether it was when we were going to the store, or should we buy these particular curtains for the living room, or anything in between. His response, every time, was some form of "let me think about that/leave that with me/I'll get back to you. I found myself forward thinking everything and asking him way ahead of time so I could factor in the built in lag and still end up getting whatever done in the time frame I was shooting for. I didn't realize how stultifying that was until I began planning things with Ron, he was right there, pacing me plan for plan, with no lag whatever. How refreshing!

I realized a couple of things. First of all, I was the one doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. If he voiced anything that we needed to get done or he wanted to work on, he didn't complain, per se. But he'd say, definitively "I'd like for us to work on xxxx" Fill in the blank...our communication, our sex life, seeing more of each other, whatever. It sounds like he wanted this mutual effort, wanted us to work together on whatever it was. But then he'd just sort of mentally sit back and wait for me to do something or change something. And THEN he'd complain that there was no change or no effort. Wait a minute! YOU are the person who brought up that you wanted change, when *I* thought the things were fine. So where's YOU effort, direction, push??? That's when I realized that I was the one doing the heavy lifting in the relationship and that he was just sort of passively waiting for ME to produce the result HE wanted.

Secondly, after struggling with my cooling feelings for a time, I realized that though we were intellectually VERY compatible, there was more to life than just that. If you've read much of what I've written on the forum, you'll know I am an active person. I'm a do-er. I love to to do stuff, go places, physical activity, challenges and adventures, whether it's zip lining or going out to eat, staying at an intriguing Airbnb or having friends and family gather for a kinfolk get together, I would NOT be content to spend my days sitting on the couch with him, letting him live vicariously through me by recounting my latest adventure, and having the highlight of my week be a trip to the grocery....that's the kind of thing I get out of my way as fast as possible so I can get to the good stuff!!! If I couldn't share a majority of aspects of my life with him, then what was I doing?? There is way more to a fulfilling relationship than being intellectually compatible.

I broke things off, much to his chagrin. I felt badly that I'd hurt him because I really did care about him, but I cared about myself too, and at the end of the day, the relationship was not good for me, even though it was obviously just the best for him! I didn't have to be in a relationship, I was entirely comfortable and happy in my life without one, so I felt no compelling need to hang on to Ed because at least it was SOME kind of relationship (something I see in a couple of my friends, and it makes me sad.)

And the result is that Ron and I found each other!!! We never would have gotten together if I'd kept trying to make it work with Ed.

My advice is don't settle. Don't try and push the round peg into the square hole. If you're that ambivalent about this relationship, then end it, for both your sakes.
 
As a former pilot myself, I can agree that some of us (pilots) are traveled out. As soon as my wife starts looking at travel brochures, I think to myself, “Oh, no.”

But, I agree what others have said. You should trust your intuition. It’s unlikely that things are going to change.
 
Was going to say different things, but, will say this: My wife and I were BOTH "marriage minded" when we met. Actually, I'd been divorced for some 21 years and hated being single. I really missed looking down at my left hand and seeing a wedding band on it. Obviously I didn't ask for my divorce, but later was very, very glad it happened.

Some of us have excellent relationships that turn into marriage, like I did with my wife. Same interests and very, very compatible. She had no problem leaving her family to move to Colorado.

Bottom Line.....find the right man, if that's what you truly want.
 
Leann--I have nothing to add to what others have already expressed, except maybe that you should take it slow and without a lot of drama. You said you have known each other for years so there's no need to make any dramatic exits or cut him totally out of your life. Hopefully the relationship can naturally ease back into a friendship with no hard feelings; the physical distance should make things easier to deal with. You are wise to take off the rose-colored glasses and see the reality of the situation. Good luck to you.
 
Sorry to hear but 120 miles apart, procrastinates and your ages say walk away or be happy with the status quo.

It sounds like he wants company or someone he can call his girlfriend or significant other. Marriage for status even without money is important to many people. No marriage keeps things flexible including doing what you like or want.

Good Luck
 
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Don't get married until you are absolutely sure the two of you are compatible on a day to day basis.

While he may be a great guy... he may not be the guy for you.

Based on what you posted, apparently his lifestyle and expectations and yours don't match.

.
 
Hi there. I think we all get to this stage at one point or another. However i've found talking to someone other than close friends sometimes helps. If you need. Feel free to reach out anytime. Even a few shreds of wisdom from a stranger sometimes helps. Regards, Max
 
Hi Folks,
Sorry, I didn't mean to go silent for a while. I thank you for all of the wonderful advice and took all of it to heart. After I posted my original message, I emailed Joe (the man that is the subject of all of this) and thoughtfully laid out the issues. The goal was to be clear but not critical. I told him that I couldn't move forward with the relationship as it currently stood so any thought of possible marriage, my moving to be with him or my frequent visits to help clean up his place were off the table. I love him but I know that I can't change him. Any changes that he needs to make have to be initiated by him because it's important to him, not to me or anyone else. He explained that some days he just doesn't know where to start, so he winds up not doing anything. I'm the opposite. I'll look at what needs to be done and then try to break it into manageable pieces until it's finished.

As I've said, he's a really good guy in so many ways and I admire many of his qualities. But he's in a deep, deep rut that I think is actually comfortable for him. So, we've redefined our relationship for now as great friends but nothing more. It feels like it's the way it should be.
 
Thanks for the update Leann, seems like he's making excuses, glad you decided to just be friends. I wonder though if your 'love' for him is merely caring about him and feeling sorry for him because you're a kind person. Regardless, good luck, he's not the only possibility for a good relationship.
 

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