I think this is more of an etiquette question.

Ruth n Jersey

Ruth n Jersey

Well-known Member
Location
Northern New Jersey
This has been happening to me more and more and it drives crazy. The best way to explain is by example. If you have a phone conversation a few weeks before a person is to visit and you happen to mention that you have no photo of your Great grandmother. The person on the line says she has several duplicates and will bring them when they visit. Then I get, just remind me. Or maybe, I'll be glad to bring a cheesecake, just remind me. Why do I have to remind that person? When I'm the one saying I'll give or bring I immediately write it on my calendar and on the appropriate day I bring the item. Is their time more valuable than mine? Can't they take one minute to write it down?Maybe I'm overly sensitive and I know I do have ocd tendencies and am organized to a fault. Worse yet is when a person says they will make something or buy something. What am I suppose to do? Call them and say don't forget to make that green bean casserole? Most of these come from younger family members so it is not a case of an older person having memory problems. Does this happen to you and and are you bothered by it? Maybe I'm nitpicking.
 

MY HUSBAND DOES THIS and it drives me crazy !!!!!!!!! I hate it when he says this and I always call him on it ! I think it's so rude. If someone said this to me , I would hear "you're not that important enough to me to remember it on my own ". I guess we think alike , Ruth !
 

Ruth n Jersey said:
This has been happening to me more and more and it drives crazy. The best way to explain is by example. If you have a phone conversation a few weeks before a person is to visit and you happen to mention that you have no photo of your Great grandmother. The person on the line says she has several duplicates and will bring them when they visit. Then I get, just remind me. Or maybe, I'll be glad to bring a cheesecake, just remind me. Why do I have to remind that person? When I'm the one saying I'll give or bring I immediately write it on my calendar and on the appropriate day I bring the item. Is their time more valuable than mine? Can't they take one minute to write it down?Maybe I'm overly sensitive and I know I do have ocd tendencies and am organized to a fault. Worse yet is when a person says they will make something or buy something. What am I suppose to do? Call them and say don't forget to make that green bean casserole? Most of these come from younger family members so it is not a case of an older person having memory problems. Does this happen to you and and are you bothered by it? Maybe I'm nitpicking.
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It's nasty. They're effectively saying what they do is more important than what you do. These are the same sort of people who are always late for appointments. They believe that it lets others know what important people they are. They also will tell their friends about their pathetic relative if you do remind them.

Drop them; you don't need them in your life.
 
I agree with Big Horn. However you need to gauge the importance of the item they are going to bring. If it is a food item and they are not a person you really want in your life; do drop them. If the picture of your Great Grand mother you can not acquire elsewhere then by all means call and remind them. The older I get the less tolerant I am of the self involved passive aggressive people in my life and in general. I have, in recent years, cut many people from my life. We need to remember: people treat us they way we allow and teach them to treat us.
 
This question prompts me to ask about another "drop them" kind of situation. What is the best way to deal with people who are obnoxious, self-centered, compulsive, non-stop talkers and boasters, etc. who are somehow in your life because they are part of a larger group? I'm thinking specifically of two people who are regulars at bridge games and scrabble games I like, with otherwise perfectly nice people. But the behavior of both of them is annoying enough that it has driven many people away from both groups.

Carolyn Hax always says you can't change the behavior of other people, you only have control of your own reactions to them. So what choices do I have in the above situation? Either keep going to the games and put up with them, or drop out? I don't like either of those choices.

Just venting, I guess, but why are these difficult people able to exert so much control over other people's enjoyent?
 
I just have to stick up for my husband after reading your replies. ... People are saying Drop the person who says this because they aren't a good person anyway. A lot of wonderful people (my husband) say stupid things sometimes , but that's not a reason to cut them out of your life . You can love the person , but not like everything they say or do. Hubby and I had enough "loud discussions" over this .... until I pointed it out , he didn't even realize it ! Cut people some slack . I've put my foot in my mouth so many times , I could use my shoelaces for floss ~ LOL but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person !
 
I don't know, I guess it depends on the person and how well you know them. If you feel it's
being done on purpose, then that's one thing. If they're just forgetful, well then,
after the phone call, follow up with an e-mail or text close to the time of the
meeting or event. THEN, if they still forget, then maybe reconsider the friendship.
 
Olivia said:
I don't know, I guess it depends on the person and how well you know them. If you feel it's
being done on purpose, then that's one thing. If they're just forgetful, well then,
after the phone call, follow up with an e-mail or text close to the time of the
meeting or event. THEN, if they still forget, then maybe reconsider the friendship.
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If the person has a picture (and duplicates) of her great-grandmother, there must be some connection.
 
IMO the person is just being passive aggressive.

I have a couple of those folks in my life.

I learned to accept them as they are and not ask them for anything or offer anything.
 
Big Horn said:
If the person has a picture (and duplicates) of her great-grandmother, there must be some connection.
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I thought we had progressed to talking about such a situation in general. In that particular case, I would not go so far as to tell her how to feel about it.
I have had worse stuff happen in particular with a cousin. I didn't just steam about it. I brought it up and we are still friends.
 
I get that on occasions too, mostly from my partner, who inevitably adds, "Send me an email." :rolleyes: Really

I rarely bother with the reminder unless it's important to me. If at some point I'm asked, "Why didn't you remind me?"

I just say "I forgot".
 
Olivia said:
I thought we had progressed to talking about such a situation in general. In that particular case, I would not go so far as to tell her how to feel about it.
I have had worse stuff happen in particular with a cousin. I didn't just steam about it. I brought it up and we are still friends.
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I thought that this is a forum for old people. I can't speak for others, but I never progress. I'm happy to remain in 1953.
 
Ruth you obviously have good manners, other's not so much. The example of photos that mean something to you I'd call to remind. Cheesecake two choices. Call & remind or have a cheesecake ready. I'd opt for having the cake ready if I were hosting a get together where that was expected. There is never enough cheesecake is there?


I tend to overlook bad manners and chalk it up to. I can't control what others do so I'll do what I can do to control what affects me.
 
Ruth n Jersey said:
This has been happening to me more and more and it drives crazy. The best way to explain is by example. If you have a phone conversation a few weeks before a person is to visit and you happen to mention that you have no photo of your Great grandmother. The person on the line says she has several duplicates and will bring them when they visit. Then I get, just remind me. Or maybe, I'll be glad to bring a cheesecake, just remind me. Why do I have to remind that person? When I'm the one saying I'll give or bring I immediately write it on my calendar and on the appropriate day I bring the item. Is their time more valuable than mine? Can't they take one minute to write it down?Maybe I'm overly sensitive and I know I do have ocd tendencies and am organized to a fault. Worse yet is when a person says they will make something or buy something. What am I suppose to do? Call them and say don't forget to make that green bean casserole? Most of these come from younger family members so it is not a case of an older person having memory problems. Does this happen to you and and are you bothered by it? Maybe I'm nitpicking.
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In all seriousness..I absolutely agree with you Ruth, I find it not only irritating, I feel also they've laid it back in my lap so that I feel uncomfortable having to remind them , and I worry in case I'll sound like I'm Nagging... so I usually don't bother reminding them, and then it ends up leaving me fuming because they've not bothered to ..turn up...or make the cake, or give me back what they owe me etc... .!!
 
What? Sample. I'm not driving. I need a ride to a meeting in the future. I ask a fellow member to pick me up. He says yes of course. Send me a text on the day of the meeting. Is that too much to ask? I'm the one getting the favor. Why should the onus be on him to remember? What if he forgets? I'm stuck at home waiting for a ride that's not going to show up?
 

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