Infidelity, betrayal, and forgiveness, try again, yes, or no?

My third husband was a serial cheater. I hung in for 10 years after I first found out hoping he would change and because it was my third marriage. Then on December 22, 2020 I found out he had been treated for 2std’s. I told him on Xmas that I was divorcing him.

In Nevada divorce is quick if you agree so we filed in January and it only took 2 weeks to be finalized. It took longer to empty the house to sell it. I didn’t see him until a few months ago when his youngest son got married. I have stayed close to my stepson.
 

Ruthanne said:
Betrayal hurts very bad. Still I was willing to forgive and then he had a massive heart attack and died. There were many feelings to deal with. Long time ago and the pain is gone. One thing he said to me about our relationship was "neither one of us has good sense.". So true. Sometimes I think I have forgiven. I'm not sure.
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I agree with you so much on this. Relationships are founded upon trust. If you can't trust another person how can you have a relationship? Deliberate betrayal the only thing I can't forgive. You have to protect yourself, don't you?
 
Members have feelings about certain types of topics, that is human
nature, and not unusual on forums. ^^^

With that said, I have to run, family is arriving...
 
Betrayal is a deal-breaker. If I should marry and my wife would cheat on me, there would be no second chance. I can forgive, but won’t know if I would until I am in that situation.

Love, trust and loyalty are the 3 components in a marriage that I would require.
 
palides2021 said:
This is a painful topic. Don't know why it was brought up.....
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Perhaps to help spare others some pain, Or if that is not possible , help them get over the pain and back to living a good life. After all Living Well is the Best Revenge.

On that note, I will add what helped me the most as I was dragged through the putrid world of infidelity and divorce.

I found a good Divorce Recovery group offered by a local church. (Before continuing, while I am sure the church sees this as a least partially a recruiting effort, there was never any hint of that in the meetings. No pressure whatsoever to join the church, proclaim allegiance to any deity or belief system, or give money (other than a voluntary contribution of $3 a meeting to offset some costs of maintaining the meeting room).

I had tried a professional counselor at about $100 an hour and while he helped me through the first few months, it was expensive and I was not getting all that I needed. For less than 5% of that cost of the counselor, the Divorce Recovery meetings did me far more good and I learned a lot more about surviving and moving on. What did I learn that did me so much good?

1. I was not alone.
2. Most people who are cheated on survive and end up living a good life afterwards.
3. Her infidelity was was 100% on her. Whatever problems I had as a husband never justified her cheating.
4. It takes two years to get past divorce. (Really, it does.)
5. There are a ton of cheaters out there, and about 1/2 of them are women. Forget the stereotype of the cheating husband. That's Hollywood nonsense.
6. Forgiveness has to done in the later stages of healing. It is basically off the table for the first year or more depending on the individual.
7. Don't let the cheater pull your strings and control what happens. (They are good at it, that's why I was fooled for years. ) Take charge of your life. Don't just respond to his/her words and actions. Start taking the initiative to heal yourself and get on with life.
8. Get out. Attend public events you enjoy. Learn to dance. Have fun.
9. Put dating on the back burner. You're damage goods for quite a while.
10. If somebody you know has been cheated on, or just going through a divorce, reach out to them. Friendship, kindness and caring are desperately needed.
 
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Hubby cheated once, a one night stand. He denied it but I didn't buy it. That was then, this is now. No sense hanging on to the past.

As for friends, if a good real life friend hurts me then I turn the other cheek. Might be the other way around next time and I would hope for the same.

Online friends who turn on me over and over, they amuse me when they think I don't know where they are floating around.....but I do and I have a little laugh to myself and ignore them. They have a way of giving themselves away, probably deliberate to see if I take the bait. Will likely hear from her now....sigh :D
 
As I posted earlier "if I had known at 20 what I know now, I would never have married " so it wouldn't have been a problem. I'm permanently single now and have been for 35 years, so again - no problem! I do vote in favor of forgiveness for your own sake (anger and hate are exhausting), but staying in the relationship - no - unless you have little other choice - like the inability to earn enough of a living to surport yourself and your children, etc..
 
Brookswood said:
Perhaps to help spare others some pain, Or if that is not possible , help them get over the pain and back to living a good life. After all Living Well is the Best Revenge.

On that note, I will add what helped me the most as I was dragged through the putrid world of infidelity and divorce.

I found a good Divorce Recovery group offered by a local church. (Before continuing, while I am sure the church sees this as a least partially a recruiting effort, there was never any hint of that in the meetings. No pressure whatsoever to join the church, proclaim allegiance to any deity or belief system, or give money (other than a voluntary contribution of $3 a meeting to offset some costs of maintaining the meeting room).

I had tried a professional counselor at about $100 an hour and while he helped me through the first few months, it was expensive and I was not getting all that I needed. For less than 5% of that cost of the counselor, the Divorce Recovery meetings did me far more good and I learned a lot more about surviving and moving on. What did I learn that did me so much good?

1. I was not alone.
2. Most people who are cheated on survive and end up living a good life afterwards.
3. Her infidelity was was 100% on her. Whatever problems I had as a husband never justified her cheating.
4. It takes two years to get past divorce. (Really, it does.)
5. There are a ton of cheaters out there, and about 1/2 of them are women. Forget the stereotype of the cheating husband. That's Hollywood nonsense.
6. Forgiveness has to done in the later stages of healing. It is basically off the table for the first year or more depending on the individual.
7. Don't let the cheater pull your strings and control what happens. (They are good at it, that's why I was fooled for years. ) Take charge of your life. Don't just respond to his/her words and actions. Start taking the initiative to heal yourself and get on with life.
8. Get out. Attend public events you enjoy. Learn to dance. Have fun.
9. Put dating on the back burner. You're damage goods for quite a while.
10. If somebody you know has been cheated on, or just going through a divorce, reach out to them. Friendship, kindness and caring are desperately needed.
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^^^^ Couldn't have said it better!
 
Men & women who stay with cheaters or remain friends with those who betray them (under the guise of "forgive & forget") need to find out why their self esteem is so low.
 

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