Innocent? Borderline Creepy? Help with email wording

applecruncher

applecruncher

SF VIP
Location
Ohio USA
I have a bit of a dilemma and would like some feedback.

The 44 yr old married son of good friends took me to a very casual lunch a few weeks ago (we ran into each other at a store). Nice guy, and I’m a friend of his mom and dad. About 3 months ago he was fired from his job and told to vacate the premises. He found another job, but during our lunch he told me about something that’s bothering him.

He said he calls his old office every week or so to see if he got any mail and the “very pretty 29 yr old receptionist who he used to be friends with” (his words) is curt and rude to him on the phone. She cuts the conversation short and says “You don’t have any mail. Goodbye.” He says he can’t understand why she is so cold.

I said:
“Exchanging pleasantries and chitchat at work does not = a friendship. She knows you were fired and you are persona non grata with the bosses. She wants to make sure you understand there is no friendship." I also advised him to email the office manager and ask that any personal mail be forwarded to his home address.

Welllllll……Apparently he didn’t do that. This morning I got an email from him saying he called yesterday to check if he had mail and “very pretty” receptionist’s tone was almost hatred. His theory is that maybe when he worked there she might have wanted him to ask her out and now she’s mad. (…gulp…WHAT??!!) :confused: He asked my opinion. (He sees me as safe because I’m not a family member or former workmate.) He then said he just likes to understand what motivates people's behavior, etc. etc.

Here is a draft of the reply I plan to send tonight:
“Dear (friend),
Well, when you told me about this a few weeks ago I suggested you email the office manager and ask that any personal mail be forwarded to your home address. (Friend), I think you should stop calling that office, and I really think you are analyzing things too much. Perhaps you had a crush on the receptionist….? Time to shake it off. You have a wife, family, and a new job. You need to stop thinking about her. Let the past be the past.”

Is my reply okay? Too harsh? (or overstepping)?

Thanks in advance.
 

I see nothing wrong with your reply. He needs to be reminded that he is a married man. He seems to be making a nuisance of himself and she may realize he's got a crush on her and this is her way of trying to discourage him. Your reply sounds good to me.
 
I think your email is good Applecruncher, not harsh at all. He's shared something with you as a friend that was bothering him, and you're being straight with him, he should appreciate that. The original advice (which he ignored) to contact the manager and request that any mail be forwarded in the only and right thing to do. If I were that receptionist, I'd be ticked off too to hear him call all the time for mail....knowing that it's just an excuse to talk to her. He does need to wake up and move on.
 
I don’t mean to present this man as a nut; he’s not. But I can’t help but think there’s more to this (on his part).

Most of us have been around the block a few times. The look on his face when he was talking about this young lady…..we all know “that look.” Then when I read the part in his email alluding to her maybe wanting him to make a move :rolleyes:…...I don't see it that way at all. I think the "calling to check for mail" might be an excuse to hear her voice/chat. I might be off-base, but I don't think so.
 
Glad no one thinks I'm 'over-stepping'. Hey, he asked. :shrug: And I think he needs a polite reality check.

She is not interested, she knows what side her bread is buttered on, and if he doesn't stop calling she might put him on hold and the next voice he hears will be the manager who fired him. Best to avoid potential messiness.
 
Your email was perfect Applecruncher. Don't you get annoyed when you give someone GOOD advise, which they asked for, and then they ignore it? You told him to stop calling and he didn't do it! Reminds me of a friend in North Hollywood who sold the house she and her family lived in for about 20 years. She moved to a beautiful new home but she'd go over and look at her old house, even after a nice lady lawyer purchased it. I told her to STOP doing that after she asked me how she could get over missing her old place. So one day she was on the sidewalk looking at the house and the lady came out and talked to her and even let her go inside and see how she had made a few changes. She had the gall to ask the lady if she could come back with a video camera so she could sit at home and look at her old house and how it had been changed. The lady nicely told her NO and don't come back here again. I hope your friend takes your advise. Some people have a real hard time letting go of the past.
 
Well if you don't want to rock the boat because of his parents, you could skip the "having a crush" part. You are right. He is way off base, but sometimes we have to swallow things to keep friendships. Otherwise, I think its totally appropriate. You want to extricate yourself from this situation any way.
 
Underock1 said:
Well if you don't want to rock the boat because of his parents, you could skip the "having a crush" part. You are right. He is way off base, but sometimes we have to swallow things to keep friendships. Otherwise, I think its totally appropriate. You want to extricate yourself from this situation any way.
Click to expand...

No boat-rocking issues (although I see why you may think so). I’m pretty sure (99%) his parents don’t know. And it’s been 3 weeks since he first told me so he knows I didn’t gossip to his parents. (I only see them 3 or 4 times a yr). Not my style, and something like this could cause 'discomfort' in the family.

Yes, I do want to extricate myself….it’s like I now know something I kinda/sorta wish I didn’t and I prefer not to hear anymore about it. Sure I’m drawing my own conclusions about some of it, but I’m confident I’m on target.

So I’m gonna send the email tonight before I go to bed.

Thought about adding the part about "if you don't stop calling she might transfer you to manager who fired you..." but I decided not to.

I'll end with "Hope things continue to go well at the new job. Take care!"

The chips will have to fall where they may, and I don't ever plan on mentioning it.
 
I think you're right on target. I would also tell you for your own mental well-being to create a distance from this gentleman. He might not be a future Vesper Flanagan...but yeah it's darn creepy.
 
Bit late to the debate here, but I agree with the general consensus and that your supposition is right in that he's probably got a bit of a crush on the receptionist, and won't let it go, which is probably why she was nice to him while they worked together and feels free to be cold with him now he's gone, she may even feel that he's beginning to stalk her by phone every week .. which would account for her being downright nasty to him on the phone the last time. He must be saying more than '' hello can you tell me if there's any mail for me this week''...to enable her to reply with venom, after all there's only one way you can say NO...so I presume he's saying a whole load more of unwanted things to her..and getting her dander up.



I've been in the position of that young lady and it's not nice....so I think your email was exactly what was required AC, polite, ''motherly'' advice, yet still friendly .
 
Last week I sent the email (with exact wording in my opening post).

Got a reply.

"Thanks for your reply and advice. Been busy. Anyway, no, I never had a crush, LOL! I just can’t help wondering why someone I was friends with is treating me like crap. I know I shouldn’t care and I really don’t so she can drop dead.
Thanks again"

Okaaay.

I don't know if he addressed the issue of having his mail forwarded, and not gonna ask. Hope this is the last I'll hear about it.
 
I'm late to the party, as usual, but I think your e-mail pretty well nailed it. Over the years I have noticed that when someone asks for advice and they don't get the answer they were hoping for they will either continue to do what they think is best while also keep asking for advice, but maybe change a thing or two in trying to manipulate you into seeing things their way, so that you may give them the answer they want to hear.

I also believe that this young man was the one that had a thing for the young lady and may have been a bit hurt that she isn't so accepting to his phone call. He may have been expecting more, but when he found out that she wanted no parts of him, he may have had his feelings hurt somewhat. I would hate to see a deputy sheriff show up at his office or home with a restraining order in hand. It could be embarrassing.

I am no psychologist. Just adding my thoughts. Have you heard anything since the last post? Human nature is funny at times, so I am interested with how this plays out.
 
911 - no, not a peep. And I'm proud to say I haven't said a word to his parents (who are my friends) and don't ever plan on doing so.

Like I mentioned, most/all of us have been around the block a few times, and we all know “that look”. Come ON.
 
Another theory:

maybe he was honestly thinking she was a friend and maybe she, being so pretty and all, believed he and men in general were hitting on her because of it. Could just be some innocent miscommunication. But it seems to be over and done with now.
 
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