Is it selfish of me to want to receive cards or gifts for my birthday and Mother’s Day?

[Pepper]

Wasn't Mother's Day invented by Hallmark? The cards my son sent to me, though appreciated as one had a dancing cat, were too expensive and a waste of money IMO.

Every day he behaves towards me like it's Mother's Day, sans the cards. Mother's Day is BS. At least that's what I used to tell my own mother! Like my son, I gave my every day. Didn't want society telling me it's time to spend more money to be considered 'good.'

It's how one is treated every day, not one day in the calendar year.

 

[grahamg]

You’ve started on the wrong foot. Break
What is the goal here? The one that will not work? Break
Again, you illude to some obscure notion you have on what I think and what it means. Have you read something between the lines about me,....? break
THE BOTTOM LINE: It is what it is. Enjoy the happy and endure the sad. I am encouraging the OP to be open-minded and to do some soul-searching. If you can't change it (or if trying will make it worse) then ......... brace up.

Leaving my situation to one side, (in order to avoid taking the thread offtopic).
You ask "What is your goal here"? I think I've answered this by putting forward my thoughts on why some of us might choose to plan having children, and thats a goal isnt it. I could add that I hoped to help create a happy person who treats others well, ("if that's all your interested in"?). You seem very certain you know what works better than others might do, if you don't mind my saying, and you're wrong if you think my goals were not achieved.
I still disagree with you that the OP should do some soul searching for this reason.
It is so easy for you to assume you understand whether a parent needs to soul search, and using your ideology where no one can expect anything from their child it follows you never assume the child needs to soul search themselves, or would ever want to see anyone in authority telling a child it is wrong to treat a loving patent badly. Am I in error assuming or guessing I understand your attitude is in line with those in authority, (in a world where the paramount consideration is always the child's interests?)

 

[Pepper]

I'm just catching up to this thread. Mlynn, can't you just talk to them? Say you would feel so good if you were sent stuff on Mother's Day. Wouldn't they do as you asked? Surely that's not chiding or aggressive. Just tell them.

 

[caroln]

Wasn't Mother's Day invented by Hallmark? The cards my son sent to me, though appreciated as one had a dancing cat, were too expensive and a waste of money IMO.

Every day he behaves towards me like it's Mother's Day, sans the cards. Mother's Day is BS. At least that's what I used to tell my own mother! Like my son, I gave my every day. Didn't want society telling me it's time to spend more money to be considered 'good.'

It's how one is treated every day, not one day in the calendar year.

No.
The official Mother's Day holiday arose in the 1900s as a result of the efforts of Anna Jarvis, daughter of Ann Reeves Jarvis. Following her mother's 1905 death, Anna Jarvis conceived of Mother's Day as a way of honoring the sacrifices mothers made for their children.

 

[AnnieA]

Agreeing with @Jules and @Pepper . Communicate with them. I'd do it based on this year's actions alone and communicate with them individually ...don't make it a "them vs me" but "you and me" with each child. Don't let it fester, but also don't cash in the stamps from previous birthdays or Mothers Days.

 

[Verisure]

Leaving my situation to one side, (in order to avoid taking the thread offtopic).
You ask "What is your goal here"? I think I've answered this by putting forward my thoughts on why some of us might choose to plan having children, and thats a goal isnt it. I could add that I hoped to help create a happy person who treats others well, ("if that's all your interested in"?). You seem very certain you know what works better than others might do, if you don't mind my saying, and you're wrong if you think my goals were not achieved.
I still disagree with you that the OP should do some soul searching for this reason.
It is so easy for you to assume you understand whether a parent needs to soul search, and using your ideology where no one can expect anything from their child it follows you never assume the child needs to soul search themselves, or would ever want to see anyone in authority telling a child it is wrong to treat a loving patent badly. Am I in error assuming or guessing I understand your attitude is in line with those in authority, (in a world where the paramount consideration is always the child's interests?)

Is that what you see?

 

[Serenity4321]

I have two sons and two daughters, their spouses and 10 grandchildren. I have been very involved in all their lives and never forget a birthday present or Christmas gift. In fact in years past I grew flower baskets and gave them to my kids on Mother’s Day. My hurt is I seldom receive anything on my birthday or mother’s day. This year my 41 year old daughter bought her sister/sister-in-law surprise Mother’s Day gifts, I saw on Facebook. My oldest son (43) got flower baskets for all the women in his life excluding me. My children are very caring thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am. Should I be?

No of course you are not selfish or wrong...but you are hurting yourself with the hurt, which I hate to see anyone do. If it were me I would say to the kids..hey where is my birthday present or Mother's Day present..half kidding (but not really)

 

[Serenity4321]

I'd be upset too. Your kids should know what kind of person you are and that you appreciate a card or gift when appropriate. Some people don't care much about that stuff but others do and there's nothing wrong with that. They should be recognized but their children on mother's day and birthdays.
You say your kids are caring and thoughtful people. Their actions toward you don't indicate that to me.

It's kind of an odd situation though. If you came out and told them and they started showering you with gifts and cards after that .... would that not maybe feel a little hollow? I don't know. Tough situation.
Sorry your Mother's Day wasn't what you had hoped

I say it would be fine if she were then showered with gifts. It is what she deserves..

 

[Serenity4321]

You are correct, I wouldn’t like it much if they started showering me with gifts, so I’ll keep quiet.

I don't know...seems to me you should say something instead of continuing to be hurt. Of course it is your call, but .....

 

[Serenity4321]

I would be hurt also. But I think I would start not remembering their special events. Maybe a card but no gifts anymore for their birthdays or holidays. If asked I would just say I was following their lead. Welcome to the board.

Sorry but I disagree...maybe it would make a point but not in the way a Mom or grandmother 'should'

 

[Serenity4321]

My husband has NEVER give me a Mother’s Day gift or card. He even refuses to say Happy Mother Days since our last child left home. He says “I am not his mother”. Of course, he has only ever bought any presents for any holiday or my BD at the insistence of the children when they were younger. He’s always been a jerk.

After decades of this behavior, 4 years ago, I decided to stop doing things for him as well on holidays. But my children always get me Mother’s Day stuff, BD, and Xmas. I would follow @Judycat advice.

LOL reminds me of my late husband..he used to say I am not his mother so he did not need to do anything for me on Mothers Day until I reminded him he is not my father but I still acknowledge Fathers Day..then he started paying attention on Mothers Day

 

[Serenity4321]

I guess my question is do you think you deserve special treatment, on what merit? Actually, life is good without expectations.

Interesting comment..I bet you did not mean for it to come across as harsh or uncaring? I don't think wanting a Happy B-Day wish or Happy Mothers Day is 'special treatment'

 

[Serenity4321]

I’m wondering that also....I also have to much stuff and am always giving stuff away. But I never have to many plants.

That makes the most sense to me..that they just think you do not want anything...I would ask...

 

[Serenity4321]

Thank you for asking that question, it’s very thought provoking. Yes and No is the answer. I think I’m a pretty good mom, but I’m an exceptional grandma. I partnered with my kids to help them raise their kids. There isn’t much I wouldn’t or haven’t done for my kids and grandkids. On the other hand everything that I have done I was happy to do. So maybe you’re right if I didn't have expectations I wouldn’t have hurt feelings.

Kudos to you for answering in such a thoughtful nonjudgemental way..

 

[Pepper]

No.
The official Mother's Day holiday arose in the 1900s as a result of the efforts of Anna Jarvis, daughter of Ann Reeves Jarvis. Following her mother's 1905 death, Anna Jarvis conceived of Mother's Day as a way of honoring the sacrifices mothers made for their children.

I should have said LOL. I was just kidding re: Hallmark.

 

[Gaer]

When you are hurt, it's a great opportunity for soul growth.
You don't want their gifts out of pity for you.
Be strong inside and rise above it.
You don't want them to feel bad. They may not even be aware of their callousness.
Affect all your interactions with them in a positive way. Bring happiness into every communication with them.
There is enough sadness and hurt feelings in the world. You can't control their actions but you can control yours.
as always, IMO

 

[Mr. Ed]

She has a right to feel disappointed. Everyone on earth has a right to feel disappointed. She doesn’t need your approval or permission.

Everybody has the right to think and feel as they choose, it's called free will. We fall short in assuming some kind of reward or recognition for being ourselves. People cannot pre-meditate who they are, nor can they falsify behavior indefinitely, their true-self always comes out.

It is human nature to be recognized for doing good. Reward for good behavior is how we learned right from wrong. The reward system works to a degree with the exception of expectation.

 

[grahamg]

Is that what you see?

"Verisure" of yourself, (nothing wrong with that, my father and brother have/had big ego's too, but as my father acknowledged "It wouldn't do if everyone were the same" ).

 

[Mr. Ed]

There is a difference between emotional thinking and facts. Emotions are feelings, black and white facts of truth or mistruths. Deciding what you do or what you think is motivated by hard and soft reasoning, feelings of desire and want or decisions based on fact.

 

[Jules]

The OP wasn’t asking for special treatment. She just wanted the same treatment as others in the family. She was left out. IMO, she had every right to feel hurt.

 

[Keesha]

Stating your case is not a sign of wanting to argue unless there is no logic to your argument

There is no logic to your argument. You are basically stating that another human being has no right to be disappointed.

Everybody has the right to think and feel as they choose, it's called free will. We fall short in assuming some kind of reward or recognition for being ourselves. People cannot pre-meditate who they are, nor can they falsify behavior indefinitely, their true-self always comes out.

It is human nature to be recognized for doing good. Reward for good behavior is how we learned right from wrong. The reward system works to a degree with the exception of expectation.

Agree completely but I don’t think MLynn had such an expectation. She was merely asking if it was ok for her to be disappointed. Basically she’s asking ‘us’ if she’s allowed to feel disappointed or is that being selfish. Even that graciousness with which she replied to our posts was exceptional humble; not from a place of bitterness or resentment.

I don’t think she’s looking for a ‘reward’ for mothering her children as much as a gracious acknowledgment. There’s a difference.

 

[Verisure]

The OP wasn’t asking for special treatment. She just wanted the same treatment as others in the family. She was left out. IMO, she had every right to feel hurt.

The question still remains whether she has been contributing the same as others in the family. There are two sides to every story and the fact that she's been "left out" while all others have been left in makes me wonder if there is more to this story. It is good to express sympathy but something else is needed if the problem is to be solved. Hurt stems from consequences. Should she be consoled for the moment or/and offered courage and advice to remedy the problem? So far the thread isn't offering much by way of solving the problem and no one has asked her if she already knows what lies at the bottom of her dilemma. I think she does.

 

[grahamg]

The above is written mainly as joke, though there is "many a true word spoken in jest" as we know, (+ reposted from another thread).

If we consider just the first line: "For as long as I live I will always be your parent first and your friend second" this has ramifications doesn't it. If as parents we "ALL" think this way ultimately, (unless we deliberately abandoned our children), from the man or woman who did everything wishing or expecting for nothing in return and did everything perfectly in that regard, to those less than perfect parents who did feel entitled to at least a token gesture of recognition, (when others have striven to take their role perhaps), and that the good we did during their upbringing should be more widely acknowledged, respected and supported too.

 

[grahamg]

Mr. Ed said:
I guess my question is do you think you deserve special treatment, on what merit? Actually, life is good without expectations.

Thank you for asking that question, it’s very thought provoking. Yes and No is the answer. I think I’m a pretty good mom, but I’m an exceptional grandma. I partnered with my kids to help them raise their kids. There isn’t much I wouldn’t or haven’t done for my kids and grandkids. On the other hand everything that I have done I was happy to do. So maybe you’re right if I didn't have expectations I wouldn’t have hurt feelings.

In my fathers rights campaigning days I attended a meeting held at Westminster, in a room close to the House of Commons, our UK seat of government, and some members of parliament from all political parties were present, members of the press etc.
A woman was chosen to speak on behalf of grandparents, or at least to give her own story about the way one of her three daughters had ostracised her after she had had a child. This woman said she wasn't just a good mother but a very good mother, and I for one didn't need to hear "the other side of the story" to believe it were true. What then could possibly have gone wrong? My only guess is that the daughter felt a little bit inadequate as a mother compared to her own wonderful mum, and this had something to do with it, (at the same time the daughter or new mother chose to get back in touch with her father so yet another complication but at least she didn't have to compare her mothering abilities with him).

One last point, "if (someone) didn't have expectations (they) wouldn't have hurt feelings",......, maybe so, just like those who didn't care in the first place, and did everything they did for show, hence its not always wrong to have hurt feelings, (or wrong at all, I'd say is a majority view here).