Is it selfish of me to want to receive cards or gifts for my birthday and Mother’s Day?

officerripley

Senior Member
Location
Porlock, Calif
A co-worker who just adores her 2 sons--and I hear they are truly great guys--told me that she never got even birthday or Mother's Day *cards*, let alone gifts from either until they got married so she knew darn well it was their wives getting them to do it.
 

Sassycakes

SF VIP
Location
Pennsylvania
It might sound like I am crazy, but I really don't enjoy getting gifts. A card or a phone call is what I love.My 3 grandchildren called me and so did my daughter. My son's ex-wife called me. The only one that didn't wish me a Happy Mother's day was my son. His girlfriend doesn't like the fact that I am still in touch with my son's ex-wife and has made my dumb son ignore me, or she will get mad at him. My son is being stupid.
 

Mr. Ed

Senior Member
Location
Cortland NY
got flower baskets for all the women in his life excluding me. My children are very caring, thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am. Should I be?


Can't control the actions of other people. I'm sorry that your family is insensitive for what you do for them. Ultimately, you decide if it is worthwhile to address these things to them but prepare yourself for the consequences.

From what you shared with us your situation certainly doesn't seem fair to you.
 

MLynn

New Member
I guess my question is do you think you deserve special treatment, on what merit? Actually, life is good without expectations.
Thank you for asking that question, it’s very thought provoking. Yes and No is the answer. I think I’m a pretty good mom, but I’m an exceptional grandma. I partnered with my kids to help them raise their kids. There isn’t much I wouldn’t or haven’t done for my kids and grandkids. On the other hand everything that I have done I was happy to do. So maybe you’re right if I didn't have expectations I wouldn’t have hurt feelings.
 

caroln

New Member
Thank you for asking that question, it’s very thought provoking. Yes and No is the answer. I think I’m a pretty good mom, but I’m an exceptional grandma. I partnered with my kids to help them raise their kids. There isn’t much I wouldn’t or haven’t done for my kids and grandkids. On the other hand everything that I have done I was happy to do. So maybe you’re right if I didn't have expectations I wouldn’t have hurt feelings.
What's wrong with having the expectation of your children showing you how much they care about you by sending a card or flowers on Mother's Day or your birthday? You raised them, help out with the grandkids, etc. You do a lot, and I think expecting them to honor you at least twice a year isn't too much to ask. Don't become a doormat by expecting nothing from your children.
 

grahamg

Well-known Member
What's wrong with having the expectation of your children showing you how much they care about you by sending a card or flowers on Mother's Day or your birthday? You raised them, help out with the grandkids, etc. You do a lot, and I think expecting them to honor you at least twice a year isn't too much to ask. Don't become a doormat by expecting nothing from your children.
Well, well, well, where have you been all my life, (or at least almost every discussion, or "dust up" about decent parents and grandparents, what promotes their involvement and what precludes it!)? :)
 

I have two sons and two daughters, their spouses and 10 grandchildren. I have been very involved in all their lives and never forget a birthday present or Christmas gift. In fact in years past I grew flower baskets and gave them to my kids on Mother’s Day. My hurt is I seldom receive anything on my birthday or mother’s day. This year my 41 year old daughter bought her sister/sister-in-law surprise Mother’s Day gifts, I saw on Facebook. My oldest son (43) got flower baskets for all the women in his life excluding me. My children are very caring thoughtful people I don’t think they have a clue how hurt I am. Should I be? Is it selfish of me to want to receive cards or gifts for my birthday and Mother’s Day?

Yes. If you do something nice for someone it isn't nice at all if you expect something in return.
 

grahamg

Well-known Member
Yes. If you do something nice for someone it isn't nice at all if you expect something in return.
There are saints around, no doubt about that, and I accept what you're saying about not expecting something back when you give someone a present, but this is a bit different don't you think than being treated in the way described in the OP by those you love, and have done all you could for all their lives?
 

Keesha

🌸
Location
Canada 🇨🇦
There are saints around, no doubt about that, and I accept what you're saying about not expecting something back when you give someone a present, but this is a bit different don't you think than being treated in the way described in the OP by those you love, and have done all you could for all their lives?
That’ a man grahamg. That’s exactly right.👍
This isn’t some ordinary person expecting a gift for doing a good deed. It’s a mom who goes all out for her kids who don’t even acknowledge her on Mother’s Day OR her birthday. Giving birth and raising them isn’t in the category of ‘doing something nice.’
 

Keesha

🌸
Location
Canada 🇨🇦
I am a human. A humanitarian. A loving husband. A loving father. I "give" for those reasons.
Yes and as a human I can appreciate that and agree with you but she’s a mother who gave birth to these children. She’s asking if it’s ok to ‘want’ to get gifts for ‘Mother’s Day’. It’s not like her kids don’t acknowledge mother’s day. They do. They buy other mother’s gifts but not their own. They don’t even acknowledge her birthday.
In my opinion she has every right to feel disappointed. She has every right to feel whatever way she choices to feel and nobody can take that away from her.
 
Yes and as a human I can appreciate that and agree with you but she’s a mother who gave birth to these children. She’s asking if it’s ok to ‘want’ to get gifts for ‘Mother’s Day’. It’s not like her kids don’t acknowledge mother’s day. They do. They buy other mother’s gifts but not their own. They don’t even acknowledge her birthday.
In my opinion she has every right to feel disappointed. She has every right to feel whatever way she choices to feel and nobody can take that away from her.
1). It is ok "to want" gifts for Mother's Day. I want a large house with a swimming pool and fruit trees in a garden on the Black Sea.
2). It is not a "right" to feel disappointed. It is not my right to be dismayed over not having a large house with a swimming pool and fruit trees in a garden on the Black Sea.

We all have to accept life as it is. No one owes us anything. To see my children with smiles upon their faces is all the "payment" I require for any sacrifices I have endured for their benefit. My only purpose in life is to do whatever I can for my wife and my children. Each of them must fulfill their own heart-felt obligations, whatever those might be.

The OP has made a few statements that we are expected to take on faith alone. It isn't very prudent of us to take sides based upon those expectations.
 

grahamg

Well-known Member
I am a human. A humanitarian. A loving husband. A loving father. I "give" for those reasons. BTW, my wife (a generous woman) feels the same way.
Both of you are saints then, (or getting pretty close to it!).

Those of us who do expect something back for loving our children you must find pretty despicable, though there may be cause for you to consider just how other's minds might work.

I chose to have a child, (she was planned, and her mother was my then wife). Both of us loved our child, and I'd suggest our love for our partners had something to do with the reasons why we were able to show the love we did, (I believe it was for me anyhow, and I doubt I could have loved anyone else's child in the same way, or even another child by a different mother perhaps, as I only ever wanted one child).

Why should I say I expect something back, (ironically I dont get anything at all back, but that's s different story for a different thread)?

It seems to me the reasons why most parents choose to have children are because of our own needs. Maybe our need to be loved, certainly a drive to pass our genes on comes into it, (though the urge to do so probably sits in our subconscious somewhere). Therefore most if not all, had some selfish interest in having children I'd suggest, (you're exempt of course from any thought you did anything for your own benefit). I used to think I would give my right arm for my daughter if it would help her, so some level of commitment there you might agree, so why do I think she's wrong not acknowledging me or allowing me contact with her? Well, to the age of twelve she might tell me she hated me, followed by "Keep coming daddy", and this I did of course, and I put aside all the stupid obstacles placed in my way by my ex., etc.

If you want to encourage parents, particularly fathers to try to look after their children post divorce (or separation from the other parent), I dont think telling them they should be saints and expect nothing in return will work. Even those of us who did succeed in seeing our child for ten or so years regularly cannot try to convince those men/dads to put their life and emotions into their child, "because it is one of the most wonderful experiences you can have", when it is doomed to failure, partly because we are not supported by those in authority who, like you, consider parents should not expect anything back.

Does that help you see another side to this?
 

Keesha

🌸
Location
Canada 🇨🇦
1). It is ok "to want" gifts for Mother's Day. I want a large house with a swimming pool and fruit trees in a garden on the Black Sea.
2). It is not a "right" to feel disappointed. It is not my right to be dismayed over not having a large house with a swimming pool and fruit trees in a garden on the Black Sea.

We all have to accept life as it is. No one owes us anything. To see my children with smiles upon their faces is all the "payment" I require for any sacrifices I have endured for their benefit. My only purpose in life is to do whatever I can for my wife and my children. Each of them must fulfill their own heart-felt obligations, whatever those might be.

The OP has made a few statements that we are expected to take on faith alone. It isn't very prudent of us to take sides based upon those expectations.
I’ll stick to my original post. She has a right to feel disappointed. Everyone on earth has a right to feel disappointed. She doesn’t need your approval or permission.

For the saint like qualities you suggest you possess , you sure seem to want to argue a lot. 🙄
I’m done.
 

Ruthanne

SF VIP
Location
Midwest
I’ll stick to my original post. She has a right to feel disappointed. Everyone on earth has a right to feel disappointed. She doesn’t need your approval or permission.

For the saint like qualities you suggest you possess , you sure seem to want to argue a lot. 🙄
I’m done.
I agree.
 

caroln

New Member
Verisure said: To see my children with smiles upon their faces is all the "payment" I require for any sacrifices I have endured for their benefit.

To that I answer:

Mother's Day is a celebration honoring the mother of the family or individual, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society. (Wikipedia)

In 1905Anna Jarvis conceived of Mother's Day as a way of honoring the sacrifices mothers made for their children. (History.com)

Is the whole world wrong to think that honoring your mother one day a year is too much to ask? It's not asking for payment for things we do for our children. It's a matter of the children showing respect and recognition for everything that a mother does. (And fathers)
 
Both of you are saints then, (or getting pretty close to it!).

Those of us who do expect something back for loving our children you must find pretty despicable, though there may be cause for you to consider just how other's minds might work.

I chose to have a child, (she was planned, and her mother was my then wife). Both of us loved our child, and I'd suggest our love for our partners had something to do with the reasons why we were able to show the love we did, (I believe it was for me anyhow, and I doubt I could have loved anyone else's child in the same way, or even another child by a different mother perhaps, as I only ever wanted one child).

Why should I say I expect something back, (ironically I dont get anything at all back, but that's s different story for a different thread)?

It seems to me the reasons why most parents choose to have children are because of our own needs. Maybe our need to be loved, certainly a drive to pass our genes on comes into it, (though the urge to do so probably sits in our subconscious somewhere). Therefore most if not all, had some selfish interest in having children I'd suggest, (you're exempt of course from any thought you did anything for your own benefit). I used to think I would give my right arm for my daughter if it would help her, so some level of commitment there you might agree, so why do I think she's wrong not acknowledging me or allowing me contact with her? Well, to the age of twelve she might tell me she hated me, followed by "Keep coming daddy", and this I did of course, and I put aside all the stupid obstacles placed in my way by my ex., etc.
You’ve started on the wrong foot. I didn’t say that I give no consideration “to just how other’s minds might work.” So, why would you assume I find you(pl.) “despicable”?

You say yourself that you “don’t get anything at all back”. There you are.

Hmm. Those “obstacles placed in the way by the ex., etc.” may not all be worth circumnavigating. It depends upon what they are and how they affect our children. Don’t you think so?

If you want to encourage parents, particularly fathers to try to look after their children post divorce (or separation from the other parent), I dont think telling them they should be saints and expect nothing in return will work. Even those of us who did succeed in seeing our child for ten or so years regularly cannot try to convince those men/dads to put their life and emotions into their child, "because it is one of the most wonderful experiences you can have", when it is doomed to failure, partly because we are not supported by those in authority who, like you, consider parents should not expect anything back.

What is the goal here? The one that will not work?

Again, you illude to some obscure notion you have on what I think and what it means. Have you read something between the lines about me being in agreement with authorities?

*** The focus of this thread, by way of the OP’s intro, is the “hurt”. But rather than lifting her up out of her pain the majority are playing a virtual blame game and extolling Ouch! and Golly! and How awful! and Such thankless people! How is that helping her? No one seems to notice that the other half of the equation (with their own version) is absent. Is it the idea that there is no other side of the story? But that’s an entirely different subject that we don’t need to discuss. Are we are here to lend good advice to the OP? Yes or no?

THE BOTTOM LINE: It is what it is. Enjoy the happy and endure the sad. I am encouraging the OP to be open-minded and to do some soul-searching. If you can't change it (or if trying will make it worse) then ......... brace up.
 
I’ll stick to my original post. She has a right to feel disappointed. Everyone on earth has a right to feel disappointed. She doesn’t need your approval or permission. For the saint like qualities you suggest you possess , you sure seem to want to argue a lot. 🙄
I’m done.
Stating your case is not a sign of wanting to argue unless there is no logic to your argument.
 


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