Is preserving a marriage for the sake of children a bad idea?

LadyEmeraude

LadyEmeraude

also known as Buttercup
Yesterday I had listened to a radio talk show that had many thoughts and opinions on preserving a marriage
for the sole sake of the children. Do you have thoughts on this?
 

It probably depends on the parents. If they can still provide a healthy environment for the children, then it might be okay. But if they're at each other's throats all the time, and there's a lot of yelling and screaming in the house, then definitely not. Of course, they might not be able to survive financially apart, but in that case, they wouldn't be staying together for the "sole sake of the children."
 
I think that depends on the kids. Older kids can weather things better than younger ones. The question is how the antics of the parents are affecting the kids. If one parent is continually running down the other, and being extremely negative; if that upsets the kids, why stay together. I don't know how effective is acting like all is well in the marriage, the kids aren't deaf and blind. Are there parents who can act civilly, sanely, and be sensative to their spouces and their families during a divorce? No.
 
Nathan, I think kids could resent it if they divorced or if they stayed together. A lot of personalities at play, both adult & juveniles.

My cousin separated from her husband & didn't divorce. It was better that he'd moved out because of the way he was (long story). He didn't do anything to support the kids after he left & she worked hard, but didn't make much money to support three. He passed away about year or so later & the kids ended up with his SSA disability benefits.

One man I worked with stayed married until the youngest was 16. He & his wife felt it was better to provide a stable house as long as they could. Another co-worker & his wife who knew them both said they got along, but it just wasn't working for them. They still got along after the divorce.

Each situation is different & there is no way what works in one will work in another.
 
LadyEmeraude said:
Yesterday I had listened to a radio talk show that had many thoughts and opinions on preserving a marriage
for the sole sake of the children. Do you have thoughts on this?
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After witnessing a friend who's marriage ended and seeing how they fight constantly over the kids and custody and who gets to see who and when, and how one called CPS on the other because of a scratch one child received and getting that parent banned from seeing only that one child for a year and how the one child was jealous of the other kids who got to see the other parent, plus a ton of other stressors.

The one banned child would sneak letters in the backpack of the kids allowed to visit in an attempt to communicate to the parent. šŸ˜­ The poor kids are in therapy and a 7 year old threatened to kill himself. Witnessing all that first hand, I think it's best to stick it out for the kids. Divorce is very hard on the kids. They pit the kids against each other and stuff. Very ugly. Especially witnessing how well the kids were in school and life before the divorce.

Parents need to try to stay together at least till the kids reach 16. The only exception is if one spouse is physically abusing the other one or the children. Then yes, leave, like yesterday! Other than that, things will get very ugly for the parents and kids. It's just better for everyone to stick it out till the kids grow up.
 
I've seen to many times there is as much hell after the divorce as during the marriage. When one or both sides have perceived injuries from the other, they use the kids as weapons on the other. Add the extended families putting their nose into the mix & you have all out wars with the kids in the middle.

Starting on Friday, we would have calls for officers to watch child custody visitation drop off & have to return Sunday night for the other parent to pick up again. Some were so bad, that Children Services got involved & had one parent to drop off at a neutral location, leave & then the other parent would arrive for pick up.
 
Lilac said:
I've seen to many times there is as much hell after the divorce as during the marriage. When one or both sides have perceived injuries from the other, they use the kids as weapons on the other. Add the extended families putting their nose into the mix & you have all out wars with the kids in the middle.

Starting on Friday, we would have calls for officers to watch child custody visitation drop off & have to return Sunday night for the other parent to pick up again. Some were so bad, that Children Services got involved & had one parent to drop off at a neutral location, leave & then the other parent would arrive for pick up.
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Exactly! It gets very bad!
 
Nathan said:
Bad idea, IMO. Creating and perpetuating a fake environment where the loveless truth is denied is damaging. Plus, the kids see right through it anyway, and will view their parents as liars.
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My parents had a bad marriage - my father was a narcissitic serial cheater and my mother was financially trapped. Despite their feeble attempts at pretending all was well, the tension was often so thick you could cut it with a knife. Hell on wheels for the kids because their anger with each other was often taken out on us.

If they'd broken up and the kids had gone with Mom we would have been much better off.
 
I think it depends very much on the individual circumstances of the family. There isnā€™t a one-fits-all answer, solution or conclusion. The parents do have a responsibility however; itā€™s towards the children, regardless of their own relationship. Some couples who get married seem to overlook this basic concept.

If the parents donā€™t like each other anymore, then I can only hope that the parents have the intelligence to figure out whatā€™s best for the children. Stay together for the children, or devorce for the childrens sake. Many parents donā€™t seem to have the required level of intelligence, and many seem too busy getting one over on the other parent to notice the children.

On a different note though, there was one couple in my extended family that was reasonable open with their children regarding why they will be staying together instead of divorcing. Then when the children reached 15 & 16 years old, it was the children that said to their parents, ā€œI think itā€™s now time for you to get divorcedā€. Later, the woman said to me that it felt as though the children were divorcing her. At first it really upset her. I said to her that maybe she did the right thing in staying with her husband for a several more years, because her children when younger might have felt that she was divorcing her children.

Some adults need to grow up and partake in the real world that they have created for themselves & the young people around them.

If the parents have messed up their documented contract to each other, they then shouldnā€™t mess up their unwritten contract they have to their children.
 
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Magna-Carta said:
I think it depends very much on the individual circumstances of the family. There isnā€™t a one-fits-all answer, solution or conclusion. The parents do have a responsibility however; itā€™s towards the children, regardless of their own relationship. Some couples who get married seem to overlook this basic concept.

If the parents donā€™t like each other anymore, then I can only hope that the parents have the intelligence to figure out whatā€™s best for the children. Stay together for the children, or devorce for the childrens sake. Many parents donā€™t seem to have the required level of intelligence, and many seem too busy getting one over on the other parent to notice the children.

On a different note though, there was one couple in my extended family that was reasonable open with their children regarding why they will be staying together instead of divorcing. Then when the children reached 15 & 16 years old, it was the children that said to their parents, ā€œI think itā€™s now time for you to get divorcedā€. Later, the woman said to me that it felt as though the children were divorcing her. At first it really upset her. I said to her that maybe she did the right thing in staying with her husband for a several more years, because her children when younger might have felt that she was divorcing her children.

Some adults need to grow up and partake in the real world that they have created for themselves & the young people around them.

If the parents have messed up their documented contract to each other, they then shouldnā€™t mess up their unwritten contract they have to their children.
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In my humble opinion, it's unreasonable to think that adults who don't like each other anymore would/could stay in the same home, remain civil and work cooperatively for their children's sake.

The couple you cited whose children told them it was time for them to get divorced showed who the true adults were in that house. Children only want their parents to get divorced when the environment is unbearable. If the kids said it to them at 15 & 16 you can bet your bottom dollar they were thinking it at 11 & 12, perhaps earlier.

The unwritten contract parents have with their children is to love, nurture and care for them. For some that means doing so from different houses.
 
I think it's a stressful time for parents with children. If there are no big deal breakers then they should try to stick it out.
For one reason, when stressors from parenting then stressors from working are over there can be a reconnection.
It can be a time to start over and give your grandkids an example of a happy marriage. Your children will get it and maybe give them a reason to try.

However, I agree with @RadishRose that there is no one answer.

I wouldn't expect or recommend someone stay in an abusive, loveless marriage.
 
StarSong said:
In my humble opinion, it's unreasonable to think that adults who don't like each other anymore would/could stay in the same home, remain civil and work cooperatively for their children's sake.

The couple you cited whose children told them it was time for them to get divorced showed who the true adults were in that house. Children only want their parents to get divorced when the environment is unbearable. If the kids said it to them at 15 & 16 you can bet your bottom dollar they were thinking it at 11 & 12, perhaps earlier.

The unwritten contract parents have with their children is to love, nurture and care for them. For some that means doing so from different houses.
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I donā€™t think itā€™s either unreasonable nor reasonable. The decision they made was theirs, & they did it for their own reasons. I have no judgement on them either way. As for the children I cite, they were grateful their parents stayed together when they were younger.

You say, ā€œChildren only want their parents to get divorced when the environment is unbearable.ā€ It depends on what you mean by unbearable, & for whom. I donā€™t think we can group all children together in our assumptions of what they want & donā€™t want. In the case I cite it wasnā€™t unbearable for the children. As the girl got older she became more aware of the true situation, & felt it was time for the parents to part.

Some teenagers are far more mature, insightful, & independent & free thinking than others. At the age of 16 she was grateful to her parents that they stayed together. Even more grateful as she became older & married with children of her own. At 16 she was mature enough to say sheā€™s ok and to say she was brought up well, & to say itā€™s now time for them to divorce. Apparently there were a lot of tears in that house on that day.

You said, ā€œThe couple you cited whose children told them it was time for them to get divorced showed who the true adults were in that house.ā€ Noā€¦ Iā€™ve spoken with them all to a greater or lesser degree - there were four true adults in that house.

There are hundreds of variables in a marriage & in a family, & they will be different variables in different families. So I now go back to my very first sentence in my previous post, as it still stands, ā€œI think it depends very much on the individual circumstances of the family. There isnā€™t a one-fits-all answerā€¦ā€
 
The psychology of the children is important. I have seen first hand what happens when a child (young 7 year old) is left with mother (who is pretty accommodating other males) while the couple are "Working it out"

He wanted a "Father figure" yet the male who his mother was sleeping with, wasn't interested in being such (just using her) and so I don't know how he'll end up.

Another most recent is she had a son 9-10, doubtful if he had much school, and was very insolent with park security (cursing, gestures) and basically was causing trouble, but the mother was just as bad.

The children's need should be considered first, but when drugs or alcohol is involved, possibly best to remove the problem parent.
 
No, I don't believe it's a good idea. Kids are not the stupid objects they are often treated to be. They know more than you might think. But no one wants to hear from them.
 
LadyEmeraude said:
Yesterday I had listened to a radio talk show that had many thoughts and opinions on preserving a marriage
for the sole sake of the children. Do you have thoughts on this?
Click to expand...
seems to me bust it up soonest and best that way two people have another chance to make severel other people miserable too, kids are resilient-- and affected more by people who dispise each other than one parent one at time, less drinking drugging delusional stuff etc......two cents and old age
 
Children can sense when something is wrong...they pick up on bad vibes and worse, hostility between parents. For this reason I don't feel it's good to stay together just for the children unless the parents are good actors when the children are around. But that could be exhausting.
 

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