Is this emailing appropriate or okay?

V

Victor

Senior Member
Location
midwest USA
In another thread, I mentioned that I lost verbal contact with a lady friend
who is married, after she lost her job. I know her for 11 years. I would call
her and talk up to an hour or more, at her job. She never called me or answered
my calls. At times I thought she was just being nice, but she seemed genuinely
interested in me. She gave me her own email address and now I wonder if she
thinks it wrong to email me from home. Maybe she feels guilty or crossing the marital boundary.
My entire rel'ship with her was bound by her job, and when we worked together for many years.
Please do not say I should find someone single because that will not happen,
nor do I want an internet pen pal. She has heard my problems and shared her stories.
Maybe it is over. I haven't seen her in years, nor will we meet. Nothing romantic. Now I have almost
no one to call, at all.
 

toffee said:
yes --new friend is due my friend !
Click to expand...


That's easy to say, but not at my age. I usually met friends through work
but I am retired now. I met her at work 11 years ago, and I was always
the one who initiated conversation.
My question remains: is it appropriate for this married person to email
me from her iphone? Yes or no.
Perhaps the whole "friendship" was work-based, and as long as she was paid (in a sense) to talk with me, it was okay. This really bothers me because (being single all my life) she knows me so well,
confidentially. Ordinarily, I am pretty private.
 
Victor said:
That's easy to say, but not at my age. I usually met friends through work
but I am retired now. I met her at work 11 years ago, and I was always
the one who initiated conversation.
My question remains: is it appropriate for this married person to email
me from her iphone? Yes or no.
Perhaps the whole "friendship" was work-based, and as long as she was paid (in a sense) to talk with me, it was okay. This really bothers me because (being single all my life) she knows me so well,
confidentially. Ordinarily, I am pretty private.
Click to expand...

Only the two of you can decide if your friendship is appropriate but IMO you've pretty much answered the question about your relationship.
 
Was she a sales or customer service rep? If we understand the nature of the business part of your relationship it might be easier to offer some guidance.
 
dangerous
yet a push-pull can overcome danger
understand the 'want to,' but it is still dangerous...
your mind is saying, not proper, don't...
 
I get the impression that she was some sort of counsellor? Perhaps she feels that your friendship has run its course and there is no more she can do for you.
 
you tell us that its purely friend thing --but reading between the lines u seem very concerned
over her not getting back intouch , she is married maybe she thought it was getting to serious '
you say its hard to find another -well sorry I dont go with that ' the internet opens up loads of options for a private or shy people to make friends - I think u will try to get intouch no matter what we say to u 'myself I think
I would leave this situation as it is ----her being married is the answer your looking for !
 
We worked in a library together. I was a librarian,
she was an evening clerk and also worked full time
in a business library. Then I retired and we started talking on the phone at her full-time job (working alone) for over 4 years.
I always called, she never called me. So she was a "captive" participant
in a sense, always at her desk. I was a pleasant diversion.
I talked more than she did. Never said anything romantic
and don't think of her that way, but she probably thinks I do.
Unfortunately, in my solitary life, I have no one else to call. Tried meetups and clubs.
 
Victor, have you investigated retirement communities in your area? If you find one you like (and which is affordable), that is the surest way I know to meet lots of people quickly, narrow it down to compatible friends, and have a lively social life.
 
Victor, I really do feel for you. I pulled together the information you provided above and quote below what you wrote on the other thread you referenced:
"Yes, and I lost verbal contact with a lady friend yesterday. I was calling her at work
every few weeks and we'd talk an hour or more and she'd listen to my troubles. Now she was fired
and I don't have her home phone, only email address. (She is married so I can't see her
or call at home, her husband knows me.) Only platonic, nothing more. Have known her for 11 years.
So now I have no one just to talk socially with when I want. Sad."

It's hard to say whether this woman is comfortable continuing the relationship. Big negative signals are that she never called you, that you did most of the talking, and that you can't contact her at home because her husband knows you (why the need for subterfuge and why would you put her in that position?).

To have a friend one must first be a friend. @Sunny is onto something when she recommended retirement communities. You might also want to look into local senior centers, various meet-ups, etc. Many lonely seniors are looking to form new friendships.

As I used to tell GFs who whined that they didn't have boyfriends but weren't at all proactive in meeting guys, "If you think that knight in shining armor on a magnificent steed is going to dance up your porch to whisk you away, you're sadly mistaken. Get yourself into the game."

Victor - it's time to get yourself into the game. It's easier than you think.

JMHO. I wish you well.
 
StarSong said:
Victor, I really do feel for you. I pulled together the information you provided above and quote below what you wrote on the other thread you referenced:
"Yes, and I lost verbal contact with a lady friend yesterday. I was calling her at work
every few weeks and we'd talk an hour or more and she'd listen to my troubles. Now she was fired
and I don't have her home phone, only email address. (She is married so I can't see her
or call at home, her husband knows me.) Only platonic, nothing more. Have known her for 11 years.
So now I have no one just to talk socially with when I want. Sad."

It's hard to say whether this woman is comfortable continuing the relationship. Big negative signals are that she never called you, that you did most of the talking, and that you can't contact her at home because her husband knows you (why the need for subterfuge and why would you put her in that position?).

To have a friend one must first be a friend. @Sunny is onto something when she recommended retirement communities. You might also want to look into local senior centers, various meet-ups, etc. Many lonely seniors are looking to form new friendships.

As I used to tell GFs who whined that they didn't have boyfriends but weren't at all proactive in meeting guys, "If you think that knight in shining armor on a magnificent steed is going to dance up your porch to whisk you away, you're sadly mistaken. Get yourself into the game."

Victor - it's time to get yourself into the game. It's easier than you think.

JMHO. I wish you well.
Click to expand...

Sorry the bolding above got out of hand and I can't seem to undo it. I only meant to bold the first bolded paragraph.

Anyway, I strongly agree that she has sent you BIG negative signals. You could embarrass her terribly or even endanger her marriage. I don't think husbands in general like their wives to be having clandestine relationships with other men, no matter if that relationship is platonic.

I also think you may have misunderstood the nature of your friendships in the first place. Work relationships are one thing -- personal relationships are quite another, especially if one or both of the parties is married.

Don't intrude on this lady's privacy. Find someone else to talk to. If this lady wants to continue your relationship, whatever it was, she will contact you.
 
I agree with others.

The fact that you were the librarian, in a position of power, and she was a clerk is not a good sign. The woman may have felt it necessary to go along to get along when it came to what you see as a relationship.

Time to get out and meet new people that can be friends and not just sounding boards for the things that are missing in your life. If it's important to share those details of your life I would encourage you to look at some form of counseling or group meetings with like-minded people.

Good luck!
 
She emailed me today to ask if I would help her with a resume
and I agreed because I have much experience. No other comments,
which makes me think that her husband told her to end the conversation.
I met him a few times and once he drove me home.
. No she didn't get fired for talking to me,
it was a business decision to eliminate library staff. (In business and gov't,
the library is among the first to go because it brings in no money and only spends it.
I had no authority over her, at all, at work. When she did not call me back or
like that, I figured she was keeping her distance. Handwriting on the wall?
She listened to me through my mother's death, estate work,
heart surgery, and numerous other crises and anecdotes after I retired. I never
expected her to maintain this dialogue.
Thank you for your answers.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top