Joke of the Day

oldman

oldman

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PA
Got this off of "Joke of the Day" and thought it was funny enough to share.

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
 
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.


He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."


Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."


At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."


Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :


"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."


"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
.
 
A Montana woodpecker flew over to Idaho to check out the bugs and the grubs in the trees over there. He lands in a tree and sees an Idaho woodpecker peckin' on a tree, and he's havin' a hell of a time...just can't get through it. So he flies over and bores through the tree with no problem, and they have a big ol' feast of bugs and grubs. Then he flies back to Montana. A week later that Idaho woodpecker flies to Montana to check out the bugs and the grubs over there. He lands in a tree and sees that same Montana woodpecker peckin' on a tree, and he's havin' a hell of a time...just can't get through it. So he flies over and bores through the tree with no problem, and they have another big ol' feast of bugs and grubs. And the moral of the story is....the farther away from home you are, the harder your pecker gets.
 
A mean nasty woman with two kids came into Wal-Mart. She was screaming obscenities at the kids, when the Wal-Mart greeter said to her, "Nice children, are they twins?" The woman replied, "Hell no they aren't twins! Are you blind? They aren't even close to the same age!" The greeter politely said, "No, I'm not blind. I just can't believe anyone would have sex with you twice...have a nice day."
 
Two men from Georgia rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the man asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
 
hangover said:
A mean nasty woman with two kids came into Wal-Mart. She was screaming obscenities at the kids, when the Wal-Mart greeter said to her, "Nice children, are they twins?" The woman replied, "Hell no they aren't twins! Are you blind? They aren't even close to the same age!" The greeter politely said, "No, I'm not blind. I just can't believe anyone would have sex with you twice...have a nice day."
Click to expand...

HA!
 
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?....so he could hide in the cherry tree.

Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?...works pretty good, huh.

How did Tarzan die?...picking cherries.
 
Seems that the Bible got creation all wrong ... it was actually Eve
that God created first. After three weeks in the garden, God came to
visit.
"How's it going, Eve?" he asked. "It is all so beautiful God - the
sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the grandeur ...
just so wonderful, but I have these three breasts of mine. The middle
one pushes out the other two and I am constantly catching them on
branches and it is basically a nuisance!" reported Eve.
God replied, "Well, that's a good point, but hey, it was my first
shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just
figured half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right
away!"
So God reached down and ripped that middle breast right out of
there and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, how is my favourite creation?" he asked. "Just fantastic!"
she replied. "But for one small oversight on your part. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, and the cow has her
bull, all the animals have a mate except for me, and I feel very alone
here."
"Oh my! You're so right! How could I have overlooked this! You do
Need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!
"Now, let's see...Where did I leave that useless Boob?"
 
What's the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?
At the end of the flight, the engines stop whining.

Why don't ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they will 'quack' up.

Why does a 747 have a hump?
So pilots can sit on their wallets.
 
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked,
“Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”


“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”


“How about a frog? Do you know how to sound like a frog?”


“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, How did you like that?!”


“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”


“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?”


“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained,
“She said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
 
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.
:wave:
 
Two men are discussing their lives.
One says, "I’m getting married. I’m tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
:wave:
 
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