Leaving money to family. How to divide it so no one is left out?

Jondalar7

Jondalar7

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Location
Reno, NV
My mother is trying to divide her remaining funds to the family without hurting anyone's feelings.

Do you have any suggestions.
I guess I am asking for me too. as I am not sure what to leave them. Some days I think I'll just donate it to the dog park.
 

It's her decision. If not equal or if someone is going to have a problem get her to write a letter to the recipients explaining her decision. Sometimes not everybody is going to be happy & that's just the way it is. Luckily I'm an empty nester so the doggie rescue may get all mine.
 
Frankly. no matter how fair she wants to be, someone will always get their nose out of joint. That brings to mind the following case:
Father divided up a sum of money equally among his 3 sons. and gave them the choice of cash or stock. Two wanted instant gratification and spent the cash. The third took the stock. After some years, the stock had appreciated and the 2 sons wanted their share of it.
Not going to happen, but it made for some hard feelings.
 
I suspect that you can't win.

My grandmother was survived only by me and my siblings, and my teenage daughter. She left my daughter a tiny amount, with a much larger amount divided equally among her grandchildren.

This made no sense to me. Why not give all the survivors an equal amount? But I guess it made sense to her.

Leaving a token amount to each person, and giving the rest to charity, might be an option. Good luck figuring it out.
 
Jondalar7 said:
My mother is trying to divide her remaining funds to the family without hurting anyone's feelings.
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I think it would depend on the family dynamics. If one (or more) of her children is always there, for instance, to take care of her needs and always available... while another one only comes around when they need something or when it's time to collect a Christmas present, I'm afraid I wouldn't care about hurt feelings and divide my estate accordingly.
 
We made that decision before my husband passed. Whatever is left when I go will be evenly divided between our children. If they want to give something to their children from their share that‘s up to them. That makes it very simple. I Intend to honor the decision we made together if I don’t spend it all first.
 
My wife and I each had a daughter and a son, so the math was simple, our assets split evenly between the children. Then my daughter passed away, so I designated her daughter(my granddaughter) to take my daughter's place in the 4 way split. Note: I did not include an estranged adopted daughter, as she had chosen not to be in contact, or part of my life.
 
All my assets (except my pension account) will be divided equally among my 3 children. My daughter draws on the pension account to pay for my expenses. My 2 sons (who live in the UK) have been informed of this arrangement.
 
My Mom, split it down the middle. I must say I was surprised, she always bent over backward for my sister. They did not get along, so Mom spoiled her. I have done my will, of course first it will go to my son, or god forbid anything happen it will go to my sisters son.

Now my son is married. I have been holding off, I need to do an update. I want to have funds set aside for the grandchildrens college. My Dil brought my first grandchild into the family, some people say step grandchild, to me his is my grandchild. They are planning on one more. I want them both to be taken care of as far as education. Hopefully, the next review and change will make sure everything is done and every one will accept what they are left. I will say, if the funds I set aside for grandchildren will be withheld until they are at least 35 if they do not choose to go to college. I think at 35 the realitiy of being an adult comes into focus. They would think a lot about how to be wise with the money, not just blow it.
 
Jondalar7 said:
Do you have any suggestions.
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Equally between all children, if one or more are not living and have children that share should be divided amongst those grandchildren, equally.

I think that is fairest and least likely to cause hard feelings.

Of course I don't know what your personal situation is, and there may very good be reasons to do it differently. But that would be my starting point.

The dog park isn't a bad idea either. It's your money!
 
jujube said:
Well, one can have the jar of pennies in the closet and another one can have my Tupperware. That's probably all that's going to be left. Oh, and they can fight over any change they find down in the sofa cushions.....
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And the crumbs.
 
jujube said:
Well, one can have the jar of pennies in the closet and another one can have my Tupperware. That's probably all that's going to be left. Oh, and they can fight over any change they find down in the sofa cushions.....
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I was thinking to myself that the best idea is to be generous before death so that there is little left to argue about later.

My Mum was generosity epitomised. She bought shoes for her grandchildren, paid for their swimming lessons and gave generously when any of us needed help. She took in two of her sisters when they were homeless and provided free accommodation for my son and his wife when as newly married Uni students they needed somewhere to live.

She spent her last years in a nursing home and was never short of visitors, not because she had money, but because she was much loved.

Her estate, which by then only consisted of some cash, was evenly distributed between me and my sister and it was up to each of us whether we wanted to pass some of it on to our own children.
 
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The only way to avoid hurt feelings is to divide all monies equally to all beneficiaries. But, if your mom has good reason to leave more money to some vs others, reasonable people should understand. An example would be if one beneficiary needs more money than the others. In my case, I was my mom's caregiver, so she left me more money than my brother and sister. They were just fine with that. But...they are reasonable people. :)

I've never had children, so my estate proceeds will be divided between my nieces and nephews, except for one who disowned me and my brother six years ago over something incredibly stupid. Unless we reconcile at some point (which is unlikely), she will get nothing. And I don't care.
 
Ohhhh my. I could tell stories here about siblings gone rogue. Currently my squeeze is trying to settle his father’s estate. It is a trust. Siblings all equal shares. Drawn up by lawyers for lawyers. What could possibly go wrong…you ask? This will end up in court. Nasty nasty.
 
In my family the money always went entirely to the spouse, and that spouse left it to the next generation, nothing for grandchildren. My mother died first so everything went to my father, then he divided everything between one of my brothers and me -- nothing to my son the only grandchild. He would have left it to all three of his children but one brother had refused to speak to him for forty years.

We have wills but my son is already joint owner on our house and our bank accounts so it should be very simple for him.

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I think it's dangerous to try and give according to who you think needs it most.

My father in law had 12 children and about 45 grandchildren. He left his money in different amounts to different people depending on how well off he thought they were -- and he was way off in his estimations of that. He seemed to think that the ones with the most children were the ones most in need, never mind if the children were already grown or what sort of income anyone earned. So the one that drove BMWs and always bragged that he had his first million by age thirty, got a lot because he had five children. We got the least, even though my husband was just an enlisted man, because we had only one child who didn't count at all because he was a stepchild.

We just laughed. It was his money, I was surprised he didn't leave it all to the Catholic Church.
 
For your mother & you.

I suppose it depends on your lifelong relationships with your heirs. What you feel they deserve. You will be dead so whatever YOUR MOTHER/YOU DECIDE is all that is important.

Suggest drawing up a will specifying what you want your heirs to receive. Boiler plate or typical will language might not distribute assets the way YOUR MOTHER/YOU WANT.

Leaving anything is what YOUR MOTHER/YOU accumulated. Any inheritance by heirs is a gift. They might fight over any distribution but that is why specific language in a will is important. You can specify that any challenge to your desires be paid $1.00.

You can be at ease knowing leaving debt won't be something they will want to absorb.
 

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