Limits and rules to friendships.

R

Rose65

Well-known Member
Location
United Kingdom
Maybe people think a 'true' friend ought to be available day or night, to do anything. Where did that idea come from? I am certainly not like that.

Excepting true emergency, I am not prepared to do any such thing, neither would I expect it.

I am a person who likes proper borders and etiquette. Make firm arrangements to meet. No lending or borrowing money, no calling up at midnight over some trivial matter. I have sometimes made a connection with someone, only to find they assume and presume a great deal. Then I finish it quickly.

An example was a very nice friendly neighbour, we had so much in common. I invited her over, enjoyed her company. Then she began knocking on the door virtually daily and staying hours. I had to hide! Until she got the message that I will not have my time wasted.

There ARE unwritten rules, all based on sensitivity, courtesy. My best longest friendships have lasted through obeying those borders and respecting each other's need to live our own lives, never intrude. Old fashioned inviting and being invited in turn.
 

It took me a LONG time to learn how to set boundaries with others. It's healthier for both parties otherwise one always feels like they're giving more to the relationship than they're getting in return.
 

chic said:
It took me a LONG time to learn how to set boundaries with others. It's healthier for both parties otherwise one always feels like they're giving more to the relationship than they're getting in return.
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I'm glad I am not alone in needing boundaries. I simply will not have my time wasted and I would never want to outlive my welcome with anyone.

One relative I visit weekly I enjoy being with. I always text, never assume. She replies and it's always about 11a.m. for one hour. We have tea and biscuits and a lovely chat, catch up on our news and talk over any worries. I always leave by midday, giving her a lift to the shops if she needs, as she doesn't drive. Thus we work our day around it. Nobody's lunch is disrupted. Of course sometimes we fancy lunch out, so we go but again we decide time and place and duration.
It is such an old fashioned civilised relationship and brightens our week.
 
Rose65 said:
I have sometimes made a connection with someone, only to find they assume and presume a great deal. Then I finish it quickly.
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That is the best thing to do, and what I try to do.

I suspect my rules and boundaries are less ridged than yours, but that's not really very important. You should do what make sense to you and makes you feel best.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I agree wholeheartedly. Always be true to thyself. Not everyone is created to be social beings. Some are comfortable being introverted
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Definitely. I prefer solitude but with my dog. Dogs are the best friends anyway.
Otherwise truly close trusted friends are few, by choice. My time and trust are precious.

I couldn't care less about friend lists on Facebook - that's a lot of nonsense going on. I know people who have hundreds and even thousands! An impossible thing unless the definition of 'friend' is extremely loosely applied if at all , as a term.
 
Rose65 said:
Definitely. I prefer solitude but with my dog. Dogs are the best friends anyway.
Otherwise truly close trusted friends are few, by choice. My time and trust are precious.

I couldn't care less about friend lists on Facebook - that's a lot of nonsense going on. I know people who have hundreds and even thousands! An impossible thing unless the definition of 'friend' is extremely loosely applied if at all , as a term.
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I feel the same way Rose. My dogs are my loyal companions who never let me down.

Iā€™m not on any social media like Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. I think sites like that breed insecurities. My husbands favourite saying is ā€˜I hope your real life is as grand as you portray it on Facebook.ā€™

Having said that, I also know quite a few people who use Facebook in a more healthy manner by only socializing with known friends and family and have no issues.

Ultimately we should choose what we are most comfortable with, not what society expects of us.
 
I agree to a certain extent, altho' I've never had friends call me at unsociable hours to chat about Trivial matters..

I did have one woman who became virtually a stalker... She would call me almost as soon as she got up.. and I was usually asleep.. she'd want to know what we could do that day, could she come with me wherever I was going.. or she'd come round first thing in the morning.. and be there until I had to almost push her out of the door. In the end, I was hiding from her when she knocked the door... eventually she said something that touched a raw nerve and I told her to go away and never call again. I blocked her phone number.. but she didn't even stop there.. I had to block her emal address because she continued sending email after emal apologising.. or what she'd said... Nope no going back for me, I don't want a stalker as a friend
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I agree wholeheartedly. Always be true to thyself. Not everyone is created to be social beings. Some are comfortable being introverted
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What if being true to thyself means you would like to communicate and be friends with someone. Do you ask them or do you just go with the flow and along the way "agreements/boundaries" are assumed or do we negotiate our privacy needs? I am right now figuring out how to do this with a couple people online. :unsure:
 
My best friend lives very close here and after the attack on her we became very close as I took the job of a carer there, so not much we have not done, I enjoy the job of helping another person in need of help. Prior to the attack she was my #1 fishing partner now is scared to get in a boat, after my recent operation I also have been very concerned also at times especially at first to do so. So I can relate to that too. I totally enjoy her company here now over 11 years with no issues. (she will never walk again). She was there for me totally after my surgery and called earlier today inviting me to go eat steak (she has a friend that owns a steak place) mid month with her. We split almost everything expensive 50-50. We even with the handicap she has manage to do more than most do compared to others we speak to. We both have many personality traits the same if we want or wish something we just ask each other for it. She said all the formalities are long gone for years now.
 
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Paco Dennis said:
What if being true to thyself means you would like to communicate and be friends with someone. Do you ask them or do you just go with the flow and along the way "agreements/boundaries" are assumed or do we negotiate our privacy needs? I am right now figuring out how to do this with a couple people online. :unsure:
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Being true to yourself if you ā€˜wantā€™ to be friends with someone , I think is to talk to them and ask them. Thereā€™s nothing at all wrong with asking someone if theyā€™d like to be friends. How are you going to know, if you donā€™t ask. While talking about it, you could even state what your boundaries are. I think qualifying that you actually ā€˜haveā€™ boundaries, helps make the other person more comfortable since they then know where the lines are with whatā€™s acceptance and whatā€™s not within ā€˜yourā€™ relationship.
 
Wayne said:
My best friend lives very close here and after the attack on her we became very close as I took the job of a carer there, so not much we have not done, I enjoy the job of helping another person in need of help. Prior to the attack she was my #1 fishing partner now is scared to get in a boat, after my recent operation I also have been very concerned also at times especially at first to do so. So I can relate to that too. I totally enjoy her company here now over 11 years with no issues. (she will never walk again). She was there for me totally after my surgery and called earlier today inviting me to go eat steak (she has a friend that owns a steak place) mid month with her. We split almost everything expensive 50-50. We even with the handicap she has manage to do more than most do compared to others we speak to. We both have many personality traits the same if we want or wish something we just ask each other for it. She said all the formalities are long gone for years now.
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If someone calls me late at night itā€™s for a serious reason. I have many friends and some closer than others but never had anyone seriously overstep boundaries.
 
Rose65 said:
Maybe people think a 'true' friend ought to be available day or night, to do anything. Where did that idea come from? I am certainly not like that.

Excepting true emergency, I am not prepared to do any such thing, neither would I expect it.

I am a person who likes proper borders and etiquette. Make firm arrangements to meet. No lending or borrowing money, no calling up at midnight over some trivial matter. I have sometimes made a connection with someone, only to find they assume and presume a great deal. Then I finish it quickly.

An example was a very nice friendly neighbour, we had so much in common. I invited her over, enjoyed her company. Then she began knocking on the door virtually daily and staying hours. I had to hide! Until she got the message that I will not have my time wasted.

There ARE unwritten rules, all based on sensitivity, courtesy. My best longest friendships have lasted through obeying those borders and respecting each other's need to live our own lives, never intrude. Old fashioned inviting and being invited in turn.
Click to expand...
It's called "setting boundaries." Analytically, it would be like putting a fence around you and deciding how close or how far away you would put the fence. That would determine how close or how far your boundaries would be.

I like the old adage "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." I had a sign that read those words hanging in my office in San Diego. My colonel asked me one time if I considered him a friend or an enemy. I told him that it depended on what day it was. He liked that. He said he was writing that one down and keeping it.
 
hollydolly said:
I agree to a certain extent, altho' I've never had friends call me at unsociable hours to chat about Trivial matters..

I did have one woman who became virtually a stalker... She would call me almost as soon as she got up.. and I was usually asleep.. she'd want to know what we could do that day, could she come with me wherever I was going.. or she'd come round first thing in the morning.. and be there until I had to almost push her out of the door. In the end, I was hiding from her when she knocked the door... eventually she said something that touched a raw nerve and I told her to go away and never call again. I blocked her phone number.. but she didn't even stop there.. I had to block her emal address because she continued sending email after emal apologising.. or what she'd said... Nope no going back for me, I don't want a stalker as a friend
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I have a neighbor who was getting like that, always wanting to go fishing, wish I did for some time. Always finding an excuse to call over some contrived matter, so he could bend my ear for..what would seem like forever. I finally took back my life, set boundaries and now my anxiety level is back to normal. I almost feel guilty, now he never calls...notice I said "almost". ;)
 
Nathan said:
I have a neighbor who was getting like that, always wanting to go fishing, wish I did for some time. Always finding an excuse to call over some contrived matter, so he could bend my ear for..what would seem like forever. I finally took back my life, set boundaries and now my anxiety level is back to normal. I almost feel guilty, now he never calls...notice I said "almost". ;)
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I understand ... and that's how I felt too when I managed to finally free myself from this woman.. like I'd regained my own life back.. the freedom was tangible...
 
My closest friends and I have an understanding that in case of an emergency, either physical or mental, we can call each other any time. None of us would abuse that, so it's never been a problem. If you best friend or very close friend can't be there for you when you really need him/her, what good are they? I'm blessed that I have no emotional vampires on my friends list.
 
Rules to friendship -

I think my closest friend is my mother. Although she lives in Florida, we talk every day. I can basically tell her anything and she'll listen, give advice if needed, and accept me unconditionally. Sometimes she can be persistent (she has told me "Why don't you come here and live with us? Why live all alone up there?" at least a dozen times....:geek:). She has helped me in so many ways throughout life, and I have helped her also. It wasn't always like this. Our friendship grew in the past twenty or so years. When she was younger, she was too busy being a "mom" and raising a family of five girls.

Three of my female friends live long distance (Ohio, California, Greece), but we still keep in touch after all these decades - via email, phone calls, Skype, or letters. Those that live closer (less than an hour away), we usually maintain contact via Facebook, email, and phone calls, and yes, we have gotten together for lunch. I have not tested their friendship to see if I could rely on any of them to help out because it has not been needed. I'm pretty much self-reliant and quite independent.
 

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