Live near an active abusive relationship, no one including the abused seems to care

W

WhatInThe

SF VIP
Live in an apartment with nuisance neighbors who now have a battling couple living there as roomates. They've had several fights over the last year increasing in frequency and intensity. That last one left the woman crying in the hall after a what seems a scuffle and shouting match where the only words used started with the letter f.

But that woman and others in the apartment keep letting this guy back in??? There are drugs and alcohol involved and the girl lost a job and her own apartment which tells you how useful this guy is. They don't help themselves hanging in the apartment days on end partying, playing games along with the drinking and drugging. The guy can't even handle his liquor or drugs when playing games or partying acting stupid and crazed-all signs of someone with an issue to say the least. The landlord doesn't want to get involved in noise issues and others in the building take the blissful ignorance approach.

Never understood the abused sticking with the abuser unless there are children involved and even then there are ways out. I guess it's a form of chemical and emotional dependency. Maybe it's best to let nature take it's course especially when people don't want to help themselves.
 

So sorry you're having to deal with this. I lived in apartments during college and for a few years after and once had to move because of noisy neighbors. They were only noisy, nothing abusive and I cannot imagine the emotional toll it takes to hear that regularly.

I can't imagine staying past one incidence of abuse--unless like you said there are children but only if the abusive partner is willing to work on the issues. It's a dangerous codependency and must be a very strong bond due to all the stories you hear of partners who need hospitalization not pressing charges, people trying to break up public physical fights only to have the partner on the receiving end of the beating turning on the would be rescuer.

There are people on the board who've been with abusers and broke free. Maybe they'll offer insight.
 
What puzzles me here is the other women living in that apartment tolerating it. After the Gabby girl murder over the summer one would figure many women would be more leary of and/or educated about an abusive relationship.

The guy must sell or supply some really good drugs.
 
WhatInThe said:
Never understood the abused sticking with the abuser
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My wife is a social worker who spent much of her career working with women and children in abusive relationships. There are lots of reasons these women stay, all of them bad... But as @RFW said it is common.

Unfortunately there is little you can do, try to be nice to the woman and call the police when it seems to be getting violent.
 
RFW said:
Sadly it is a common occurrence. Do you feel safe enough to continue living there?
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That's 'an' issue. After I mentioned the noise to the landlord the first time...the actual tenants went out of there way to make extra noise like running the vacuum for a half hour or slamming things upon entering/slamming doors and drawers. There were times I could swear they were tracking my movements from above(check frequently for cameras, mics and holes). They continued with shorter and slightly quieter parties/gatherings for a while.

Many of their subsequent parties were deemed 'get togethers' since they consisted of themselves and other tenants including the abused woman. When her bf arrived on the scene is when things deteriorated overall. The most recent party they had I heard 'guests' grumbling outside when taking a smoke break(yet the actual tenants smoke pot in there) they should keep it quiet-pfffttt.

Unless I confront them with actual witnesses around I have to pick my battles/contact with them because it's utter disdain for each other.
 
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WhatInThe said:
That's 'an' issue. After I mentioned the noise to the landlord the first time...the actual tenants went out of there way to make extra noise like running the vacuum for a half hour or slamming things upon entering/slamming doors and drawers. There were times I could swear they were tracking my movements from above(check frequently for cameras, mics and holes). They continued with shorter and slightly quieter parties/gatherings for a while.

Many of their subsequent parties were deemed 'get togethers' since they consisted of themselves and other tenants including the abused woman. When ever her bf arrived on the scene is when things deteriorated overall. The most recent party they had I heard 'guests' grumbling outside when taking a smoke break(yet the actual tenants smoke pot in there) they should keep it quiet-pfffttt.

Unless I confront them with actual witnesses around I have to pick my battles/contact with them because it's utter disdain for each other.
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It's definitely an uneasy situation to say the least. Personally, I wouldn't be able to tolerate it at all outside of work (I dealt with people like these all the time) and especially when it's so close to home. I don't see this getting better unless somebody, with the authority to do so, yanks them out of there.
 
Pepper said:
Don't confront them @WhatInThe
They'll both turn on you. Be careful. Like @Alligatorob said call the cops when their craziness gets too much.
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That's why I didn't call the cops after the last fight even though it was more physical and visceral than usual because they keep on letting him back in. Sure enough 2 days later the guy is back visiting and in less than a week he was back fulltime. And yes since everyone in that unit can't stand me this is definitely a case for choosing one's battles extremely carefully.

They only current hope is a new tenant has already experienced noise issues because they go out of their way to be quiet when they're around. They are of similar age so I'm hoping they don't get 'recruited' or invited to their parties. So far they want nothing to do with them.
 
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Pepper said:
Don't confront them @WhatInThe
They'll both turn on you. Be careful. Like @Alligatorob said call the cops when their craziness gets too much.
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I'm sorry to say for you that I have to agree with Pepper. People are cruel and they can retaliate. If they have some kind of personality disorder, it's always about them and they could care less what they do to you. It already sounds like they are retaliative and nasty.

I feel extremely bad for you and your landlord is a jerk. My hope is they will move. Sometimes people like this are very unstable and they move around a lot. You deserve better.
 
AnnieA said:
So sorry you're having to deal with this. I lived in apartments during college and for a few years after and once had to move because of noisy neighbors. They were only noisy, nothing abusive and I cannot imagine the emotional toll it takes to hear that regularly.

I can't imagine staying past one incidence of abuse--unless like you said there are children but only if the abusive partner is willing to work on the issues. It's a dangerous codependency and must be a very strong bond due to all the stories you hear of partners who need hospitalization not pressing charges, people trying to break up public physical fights only to have the partner on the receiving end of the beating turning on the would be rescuer.

There are people on the board who've been with abusers and broke free. Maybe they'll offer insight.
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Call someone at a resource center to put aide where it is needed. A resource center has plenty of clues to what is needed to push the right path for all to take without a no for answer. Case closed. And quiet for once. Keep calm, and carry on.
 
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Women who stay with an abuser often have self esteem issues & don't think they deserve any better.
Sometimes, they are the same women who judge all men by the abuser they chose. It enables them to play the "poor me" victim.
And it's much easier than admitting they make stupid choices.
 
My partner works at a non-profit organization that benefits domestic abuse survivors. He has met several of these victims. They are typically meek and grateful for any help.

The truth is, they don't have the power to just leave these horrible, abusive relationships. Many have been brainwashed by their abusers into feeling like they are worth nothing without them. Children are also sometimes used as leverage to keep the couples together. Many women who are victims of this abuse will never call the police because they are in fear for their lives.

I'm so sorry you have had to experience these disturbances, but I have the utmost sympathy for victims of domestic abuse. This says it all.

 
Alligatorob said:
My wife is a social worker who spent much of her career working with women and children in abusive relationships. There are lots of reasons these women stay, all of them bad... But as @RFW said it is common.

Unfortunately there is little you can do, try to be nice to the woman and call the police when it seems to be getting violent.
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I was in an abusive relationship and I chose to stay until the children had grown up. Social services offered to help me find somewhere to live but it would mean living in a very rough area. I knew that we wouldn't fit in and would be targeted by local thugs. My children were raised to high standards and I didn't want them influenced by the locals.
It was a case of making a choice and I feel I made the right one. My children agree.
 
Pepper said:
Don't confront them @WhatInThe
They'll both turn on you. Be careful. Like @Alligatorob said call the cops when their craziness gets too much.
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We lived next door to one. It had houses all around nearby, and when the abuse got nasty we called the police. We were not afraid of the guy coming after us becuse there are so many neighbors that could of called it in. But, if you are you are the only one in ear shot and call it in, he would know it was you and that could put you in danger. Have the police say it was someone driving pass the house that called it in after they heard the rucus.
 
He needs to live in a jail with his own kind and yet mental institution is right they are total crazy damaged from whatever. A step mother taking revenge for having to take care of the guy she stole from 1st wife.....
 
Lavinia said:
I was in an abusive relationship and I chose to stay until the children had grown up. Social services offered to help me find somewhere to live but it would mean living in a very rough area. I knew that we wouldn't fit in and would be targeted by local thugs. My children were raised to high standards and I didn't want them influenced by the locals.
It was a case of making a choice and I feel I made the right one. My children agree.
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That has to have been a hard decision, but the right one. You are a strong lady!
 
Lavinia said:
I was in an abusive relationship and I chose to stay until the children had grown up. Social services offered to help me find somewhere to live but it would mean living in a very rough area. I knew that we wouldn't fit in and would be targeted by local thugs. My children were raised to high standards and I didn't want them influenced by the locals.
It was a case of making a choice and I feel I made the right one. My children agree.
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very sorry that you had this experience. My friend Virginia worked the graveyard shift at a battered women's shelter. And, in my work, I ended up counseling a few women who were victims of domestic violence.
 
dseag2 said:
My partner works at a non-profit organization that benefits domestic abuse survivors. He has met several of these victims. They are typically meek and grateful for any help.

The truth is, they don't have the power to just leave these horrible, abusive relationships. Many have been brainwashed by their abusers into feeling like they are worth nothing without them. Children are also sometimes used as leverage to keep the couples together. Many women who are victims of this abuse will never call the police because they are in fear for their lives.

I'm so sorry you have had to experience these disturbances, but I have the utmost sympathy for victims of domestic abuse. This says it all.

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Yes, quite true. they are often poor, with no connections, no job skills, no money. Not easy to just get out. And there are often credible threats of violence or even death, if they attempt to leave.

Also, proving domestic violence in court, is often very very difficult.

Doesn't mean people shouldn't try to get out, but it is often difficult.
 
dseag2 said:
My partner works at a non-profit organization that benefits domestic abuse survivors. He has met several of these victims. They are typically meek and grateful for any help.

The truth is, they don't have the power to just leave these horrible, abusive relationships. Many have been brainwashed by their abusers into feeling like they are worth nothing without them. Children are also sometimes used as leverage to keep the couples together. Many women who are victims of this abuse will never call the police because they are in fear for their lives.

I'm so sorry you have had to experience these disturbances, but I have the utmost sympathy for victims of domestic abuse. This says it all.

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Intreresting video .... also very sad.

My mother was abused by her first husband [not my dad] Then, by my dad, as was I. He slammed closed on my fingers, the cozy wing of a 1949 Hudson then leaned on it ...... because i wanted to get out of the car. I was 3. He tried to cut the throat of my dog, because she growled at him for hitting mom. I grabbed my dog, and he cut my arm with the same straight razor. ........ I was 6

I know she [mom] shouldn't have but ....... she aquired a boyfriend ...... one night when he dropped her off ...... dad empited a clip from an M1Garrand into the car ....... How how missed them both ? I'll never know.

Mom divorced dad, married a guy I'll call 'Red'..... It all started all over again, he pinned me & my mom against the garage wall with his car ...... because i wanted to get my bicycle out and he feared i would scratch his car. ..... I was 8 . He threw mom out the front window of the house ..... it wasn't open. He threw my 1/2 sister's new stereo out of the second floor window, because she was playing Christmas music .... too loud.

She then married a guy I'll call Dave .... he went off one night & tried to shoot both of us with a .22 pistol [my sis was married then, and not in the house]. By then i was 14, and big enough to fight him for the gun, I got it away from him , the police were called and he ended up in a mental ward.

So ...... I know a little something about domestic violence ......

I was married once over 50 years ago ..... it didn't workout , so we divorced after 3+ years.

BTW ....... I have never raised my hand to a woman ........ seldom ever raised my voice.
 

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