Living with depression in your spouse.

fancicoffee13

fancicoffee13

Senior Member
Location
Texas
I don't know much about depression at all. I know my husband has depression and lives in the negative past as though it is the main thing in life. His outbursts can be really loud and very negative. We have only been married 3 years and in our 70s. I, on the other hand, like to be positive and try to help towards the positive. But, it seems to go in one ear and out the other. HELP! We are both in very good health, however he is not as active as I am.
 

Pinky said:
Would your husband agree to therapy sessions? Possibly, a mild anti-depressant may help his moods.
Click to expand...
Well, he sees a psychiatrist and a depression doctor and I go with him, but my main concern is should I stick around to help him? I do look at this with a positive helping attitude. But, as I tell him, you poke the bear long enough, I will bite back. He blames me for a lot, and I just don't know. I have separated once.
 

fancicoffee13 said:
Well, he sees a psychiatrist and a depression doctor and I go with him, but my main concern is should I stick around to help him? I do look at this with a positive helping attitude. But, as I tell him, you poke the bear long enough, I will bite back. He blames me for a lot, and I just don't know. I have separated once.
Click to expand...
I also spend time for hours playing cards and dominoes with seniors, plus I get out and go for long walks.
 
Pinky said:
Has he been like this from the beginning of your relationship? In my personal opinion, he needs to work
through this, himself.
Click to expand...
Yes, however, it came out big time in the second year. So, I know that when he wants to hide it or whatever for a year, he can over come it. And when it came out, it "raised my eyebrows" like on my! I agree, he needs to work on it himself, because he does listen but doesn't put it into action. I do feel for him. I was anxious once but didn't have depression and was able to change.
 
DEPRESSION is a complex phenomena with varying styles of treatment : some use anti-depressants ; some E.C.T ; some cognitive re-structuring. They all have their pros and cons but for you justs be with him ; don't be too pushy and understand his responses [negative] towards you are symptoms of his illness and not necessarily how he thinks about you. Talk to his therapists independently if you can and get advice from them - but with care and confidentiality?
 
davey said:
DEPRESSION is a complex phenomena with varying styles of treatment : some use anti-depressants ; some E.C.T ; some cognitive re-structuring. They all have their pros and cons but for you justs be with him ; don't be too pushy and understand his responses [negative] towards you are symptoms of his illness and not necessarily how he thinks about you. Talk to his therapists independently if you can and get advice from them - but with care and confidentiality?
Click to expand...
Yes! I was thinking about talking to his doctor independently, if possible and confidential too. You expressed my very thoughts. Thank you.
 
I understand depression, as I have suffered from it my entire life. At its worst, I felt suicidal. I got myself into
a Psych ward in hospital for 2 weeks, and went daily to their program. It helped me, being put on the correct meds (low dose anti-depressant) and having therapy.

All the best to your husband .. you are being as supportive as you can. Stay strong.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
Well, he sees a psychiatrist and a depression doctor and I go with him, but my main concern is should I stick around to help him? I do look at this with a positive helping attitude. But, as I tell him, you poke the bear long enough, I will bite back. He blames me for a lot, and I just don't know. I have separated once.
Click to expand...
It sounds like you're keeping the option of leaving him open, perhaps he needs to know this and understand the impact his behavior is having on you.
 
I have suffered from clinical depression for most of my adult life. About 30 years ago I decided to finally seek treatment. It was either that or have my marriage fall apart. The new SSRI meds (Zoloft et al) came into use just about that time. I've been on Zoloft for this entire time. My marriage is still great. Every time I ask my wife if I should possibly stop taking Zoloft now because I feel great and life is great, her response is, "Uhh..lets keep going on the meds. They're not causing any side effects or harm, right?" The thing to realize is that the illness 'clinical depression' does not affect the victim so much as it does those around him/her. I still feel very sad that my wife was a victim of my clinical depression for so many years. I'm happy to say that thanks to modern psychiatry and clinical treatment for depression, I am still happily married - for 57 years!! Truly amazing. My advice to you or anyone in a similar situation as you. Don't put up with this bullshit. Tell spouse to get help for their problem ASAP or else!!
 
sch404 said:
I have suffered from clinical depression for most of my adult life. About 30 years ago I decided to finally seek treatment. It was either that or have my marriage fall apart. The new SSRI meds (Zoloft et al) came into use just about that time. I've been on Zoloft for this entire time. My marriage is still great. Every time I ask my wife if I should possibly stop taking Zoloft now because I feel great and life is great, her response is, "Uhh..lets keep going on the meds. They're not causing any side effects or harm, right?" The thing to realize is that the illness 'clinical depression' does not affect the victim so much as it does those around him/her. I still feel very sad that my wife was a victim of my clinical depression for so many years. I'm happy to say that thanks to modern psychiatry and clinical treatment for depression, I am still happily married - for 57 years!! Truly amazing. My advice to you or anyone in a similar situation as you. Don't put up with this bullshit. Tell spouse to get help for their problem ASAP or else!!
Click to expand...
I would do that, however, I wouldn't want him to do anything rash and then I would feel guilty. However, I did leave unexpectedly one time and we were separated for a short time. So, that caught him off guard. After our last spat last night, he said, so now he should go to his son's, (?). He thought that he should leave, because maybe his episode would cause another separation. He reads alot of stuff into stuff that isn't there. ALOT!
 
fancicoffee13 said:
I would do that, however, I wouldn't want him to do anything rash and then I would feel guilty. However, I did leave unexpectedly one time and we were separated for a short time. So, that caught him off guard. After our last spat last night, he said, so now he should go to his son's, (?). He thought that he should leave, because maybe his episode would cause another separation. He reads alot of stuff into stuff that isn't there. ALOT!
Click to expand...
I don't think you need to feel any guilt about anything! You are (or seem to be) a really good and thoughtful and loving person. You deserve better than it sounds like you are getting at the moment. Just sayin'
 
sch404 said:
I don't think you need to feel any guilt about anything! You are (or seem to be) a really good and thoughtful and loving person. You deserve better than it sounds like you are getting at the moment. Just sayin'There is also
Click to expand...
There is also individual psychotherapy. This was a big help for my wife (and indirectly for me as well) during our 30 year ago 'restructuring' as I was embarking on psychiatry and clinical treatment for depression.
 
Depression. There’s several medications on the market for depression. Do they cure the illness? No, but they do cover up the symptoms by changing the brain’s chemistry. They are not a permanent fix. They only give a temporary relief. Most people need long term therapy and from what I have read, talking about your issues with someone that is a good listener helps about as good as anything you can take.

There’s a fine line between depression and sadness. Is he really depressed or is he just sad? Tell him to take some Prozac for a few months and if that doesn’t work, leave his ass. Don’t tie up whatever years you have left with an old, tired and depressed man that just wants to walk around the house feeling sorry for himself. Tell him time is running out. We all have a shelf life and we have already been on the shelf for a pretty long time. Hook him up with a good psychiatrist and then go about taking care of yourself. Let him spend the rest of his life running back and forth to a brain doctor.

I know that sounds cold and maybe selfish. But, we do have a shelf life and the clock is ticking,
 
fancicoffee13 said:
I would do that, however, I wouldn't want him to do anything rash and then I would feel guilty.
Click to expand...
If I'm reading between the lines here, you mean if he does something to harm himself, you'd feel guilty, right? If so, then I agree that the guilt would be overwhelming, but of course it wouldn't be your fault. I think the best thing you can do for him is what others have suggested and make sure he gets the help he needs. If he's on meds and it's not making a difference, he needs to suggest a change in prescription... try something else. And don't forget to seek out something for YOUR self-care as well. @fancicoffee13
 
My husband has depression/anxiety for 10 years. He attempted suicide once but didn't have the means to be successful. He saw a psychiatrist, a psychologist and his general practicioner but it lingered, affecting his ability to work. Then, one day it lifted like mist disappearing when the sun rises.

He is still a bit of a misery guts at times but thanks to his medication, he can function. We have since celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary but we are now apart because after a fall he is now in a nursing home.

I have no particular advice for you, @fancicoffee13. You must make your own decisions but do make sure that you do not sacrifice your own health to his illness.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top