Love: Conditional or Unconditional? How far do you go?

V

Vicky

Member
Location
Pennsylvania, USA
I am hooked on relationship conversations. I get emails due to a site I signed up on. The recent email has me questioning love and relationships. How they really work. Geeeeee, at the age of 67 one would think I would know by now. I’ve been married 2x and realize I know very little about dating/relationships. Hearing these stories question my beliefs.

Below is the scenario. Open for conversation.


The scenario: A husband, married for 20+ yrs, lost the attraction in his wife. She gained 50 lbs since their dating. They were at a party and he watched her go for the 2nd piece of chocolate cake. He said as politely as he could that the 2nd piece might be too fattening. But her response was, “yea, but you love me anyway.”

He feels trap because he still loves his wife, and doesn’t want to leave her, yet the attraction for her is gone. She does not do anything to impress him anymore. She let herself go. He is starting to find her repulsive.

This is the scenario he gives that love is actually “conditional” and not unconditional.

Since I am single, I hear from a lot of married guys how they lost interest in their wives over the yrs. How wives have left themselves go, and ended up in divorces (supporting the email scenario). It makes me wonder if love and relationships are actually conditional or unconditional?



So my question/s: Is love conditional or unconditional? How far must a mate go to keep the relationship going? Please keep in mind the cake/weight is just an example. Other things such as wrinkles, dark spots, watching TV as opposed to exercising, etc. could take the place of the cake scenario. We all have flaws, yet how far do we go for the other? So is Love Conditional or Unconditional?

Interested in your opinion/thoughts. Please explain.
 

I would think unconditional to a point. When the three “A”’s (addiction, adultery, and abuse) are considered, one must make a boundary. I am only speaking for myself, but those are deal breakers. And I am talking about someone who willfully continues with infidelity and addiction with no intention of stopping. It kills the love. Time to exit.
 

Of course, the man in this scenario has kept himself up or improved upon his physical appearance in the time the couple has been together, or has he? It's all on the woman? In my opinion, what would make the wife sexy to her husband has a lot to do with the husband.

Is love conditional, most likely, but where the threshold will vary from person or relationship to relationship. In my case I have no idea why my wife has stuck with me all these years, so her threshold has gotta be pretty high seeing how I'm a real PIA.
 
Relationships are conditional but we like to think of them as unconditional .

In my personal relationship, I do everything to try and make it run smoothly. My relationship is my number one thing in my life and I’ll jump over canyons to have the opportunity to share my life with him. He’s my friend, my life partner who I promised to love and support with ALL my heart ‘til death due us part, even though we aren’t married.

It’s easy to confess my unconditional love for him. He’s the reason I get up everyday and start again. My life would seem meaningless without him.

My main hope is that he feels and acknowledges that depth of love. I think he does. I tell him often. This man deserves my unconditional love so my answer is it depends on the love and the people sharing that love.

Love is a precious thing that needs nurturing daily. I love my partner more than words can say and I feel that he loves me the same. Real true love does not make demands.

My husband and I share a bond of unconditional love and it’s precious. Words don’t come close to explaining it.

Love takes commitment
 
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Well, we should point out, men let themselves go too.

Apart from that, let's be realistic. As younger folk we get sexually attracted to each other, but to sustain that over 30 or 40 - or more - years? Come on. It's work. Work for both parties. Every aspect is work. It's unrealistic - though I guess it could happen - that the Hollywood ideal occurs, but for most of us, that's not the case.

Frankly, it's unrealistic expectations that sinks many marriages. Like, I like the idea of getting with a 25 year old model, driving fast cars, going on big holidays. Why not? But not only would it probably kill me, I would in the very least get crippled. I mean, it's just not real. Oh sure, it might be fun for a year, two years, 5 years, but fun soon turns to chore. And then the big picture of our past plays out, and it's just bad.

The key is communication. Which is ironic, because actually if I knew the answer and what must be done, I'd not be in the mess I am personally. I know people struggle with aging and all it brings about. What used to take me all night is probably a ten minute thing now. I still have the desire, but age.... love is no different. Just know the difference between love and lust.
 
Vicky said:
A husband, married for 20+ yrs, lost the attraction in his wife. She gained 50 lbs since their dating. They were at a party and he watched her go for the 2nd piece of chocolate cake. He said as politely as he could that the 2nd piece might be too fattening.
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There are so many things wrong with this.

1. One, you never get someone to diet (or stop drinking or quit smoking) by nagging, and at a party, in front of others is the last thing you should do. There is no polite way to tell someone else what to eat and did this controlling jerk think that up until then she didn't know cake was fattening? Just based on that sentence I would say the wife is the smartest and nicest person in that marriage. It's a wonder she still loves him.

2. I've always hated the phrase "let herself go" used several times in the OP. Let herself go where? Why does it usually refer to gaining weight? I could name some men who seemed to decide they didn't need to shower or shave quite as often after they got married, no one gossips about how they let themselves go.

Here's a cold hard fact for you, and your undertone that he's justified because she gained weight, Vicky. Many, many men lose sexual interest in their wives over time. It happens. Not because the wife gained weight or got a wrinkle in her forehead, but because his libido has lessened and it takes the excitement of someone new to fire him up now. Look at the beautiful movie stars whose partners stray. Listen to the lyrics of Hank Williams Jr, "I Like to Have Women I Never Had."

I have friends who maintained their wedding weight all their lives and their husbands didn't continue to love them. One such friend lost her husband to a chubby woman who worked in his office. Physical attraction is not the same as love anyway.
 
Teacher Terry said:
The only unconditional love is probably reserved for children and pets. Romantic relationships are always subject to conditions. If someone treats you badly, cheats, etc most people will eventually leave.
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I agree 100%.

I recently learned that it's fairly common for men over 40 to feel less attracted to the women they married 10 or more years ago. They still love them, they simply aren't sexually attracted to them anymore. They feel like a friend or a brother to them.

It's a thing, and there's specific marriage counseling for that very problem.
 
Vicky said:
I am hooked on relationship conversations. I get emails due to a site I signed up on. The recent email has me questioning love and relationships. How they really work. Geeeeee, at the age of 67 one would think I would know by now. I’ve been married 2x and realize I know very little about dating/relationships. Hearing these stories question my beliefs.

Below is the scenario. Open for conversation.


The scenario: A husband, married for 20+ yrs, lost the attraction in his wife. She gained 50 lbs since their dating. They were at a party and he watched her go for the 2nd piece of chocolate cake. He said as politely as he could that the 2nd piece might be too fattening. But her response was, “yea, but you love me anyway.”

He feels trap because he still loves his wife, and doesn’t want to leave her, yet the attraction for her is gone. She does not do anything to impress him anymore. She let herself go. He is starting to find her repulsive.

This is the scenario he gives that love is actually “conditional” and not unconditional.

Since I am single, I hear from a lot of married guys how they lost interest in their wives over the yrs. How wives have left themselves go, and ended up in divorces (supporting the email scenario). It makes me wonder if love and relationships are actually conditional or unconditional?



So my question/s: Is love conditional or unconditional? How far must a mate go to keep the relationship going? Please keep in mind the cake/weight is just an example. Other things such as wrinkles, dark spots, watching TV as opposed to exercising, etc. could take the place of the cake scenario. We all have flaws, yet how far do we go for the other? So is Love Conditional or Unconditional?

Interested in your opinion/thoughts. Please explain.
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Maybe we expect too much from the word love. He may love her but he doesn't like her.
 
My partner and I have been together for over 32 years. We were certainly physically attracted to each other in the beginning, but we soon found out that we were more attracted to each other's intellect. He has gotten heavier over the years but I've gotten older and have lost more hair. If he was 300 pounds I would nag him to diet for his health but I would still love him. How can a man not love a woman just because she has put on weight?

From my perspective, loving unconditionally has more to do with loving the "person" and not the physical appearance.
 
Vicky said:
...
So my question/s: Is love conditional or unconditional? How far must a mate go to keep the relationship going? Please keep in mind the cake/weight is just an example. Other things such as wrinkles, dark spots, watching TV as opposed to exercising, etc. could take the place of the cake scenario. We all have flaws, yet how far do we go for the other? So is Love Conditional or Unconditional?

Interested in your opinion/thoughts. Please explain.
Click to expand...
Real love is unconditional. Truth is unconditional too. In fact true love is the expression of truth. Both share common characteristics. Both are by their nature unconditional, patient, tolerant, forgiving, never wanting, unchanging, doubtless, fearless, unwaving, reliable and faithful.

Here is the clincher. True love, loves the love that loves them. That is, the heart of honesty of the other person.

What is other than that becomes conditional to one's own expectations of what they believe means real/true love. This belief causes all sorts of deceptions and fears, and not love. Conditionality arises from the 'fear' of judgement, rejection, segregation, abandonment, and annihilation (in that sequence). Conditionality opposes what truth and love is. That is, impatience, intolerance, unforgiving, wanting, changing, doubtful, fearful, wavering, unreliable, and unfaithful.

All of this because of denying what is in each others heart; where thruth and love comes from. It is not from our minds of judgements, reasoning, nore knowledge. Love and truth is not knowledge based, but from a doubtless 'knowing' that cannot be reasoned with or understood. In that 'knowing' state one is in complete conviction. It just is; if we let go of 'self'.

Truth and love is not conditional. It is our 'ego-self' which is conditional. We cannot escape it, but we can continually let go of it and accept the 'knowing what is true' in us (in ourself and in others).
 
PeppermintPatty said:
Relationships are conditional but we like to think of them as unconditional .

In my personal relationship, I do everything to try and make it run smoothly. My relationship is my number one thing in my life and I’ll jump over canyons to have the opportunity to share my life with him. He’s my friend, my life partner who I promised to love and support with ALL my heart ‘til death due us part, even though we aren’t married.

It’s easy to confess my unconditional love for him. He’s the reason I get up everyday and start again. My life would seem meaningless without him.

My main hope is that he feels and acknowledges that depth of love. I think he does. I tell him often. This man deserves my unconditional love so my answer is it depends on the love and the people sharing that love.

Love is a precious thing that needs nurturing daily. I love my partner more than words can say and I feel that he loves me the same. Real true love does not make demands.

My husband and I share a bond of unconditional love and it’s precious. Words don’t come close to explaining it.

Love takes commitment
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PeppermintPatty: Your words bought me to tears. That's exactly how I felt about my beloved. When we were waiting for the ambulance to take him to palliative care, I sat beside him and thanked him for giving me two beautiful sons and a wonderful life full of laughter, and let's face it, there were good and bad days, but unconditional love can see you through anything. Bless you Patty. 💞
 
Vicky said:
So my question/s: Is love conditional or unconditional? How far must a mate go to keep the relationship going? Please keep in mind the cake/weight is just an example. Other things such as wrinkles, dark spots, watching TV as opposed to exercising, etc. could take the place of the cake scenario. We all have flaws, yet how far do we go for the other? So is Love Conditional or Unconditional?
Interested in your opinion/thoughts. Please explain.
Click to expand...
On a glorious Mayday in 1968, I stood at the altar of a church in East London. A beautiful young woman in a fabulous bridal gown, that she had made herself, joined me. In front of the two hundred or so witnesses I said:
" "In the name of God, I, ___, take you, ___, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish you throughout the rest of our lives together, until parted by death. This is my solemn vow."
The lady then declared her vows and in the years that have followed, we have stood by them. Not only that but when we celebrated our silver, ruby and gold wedding anniversaries, we did so by repeating our wedding vows to each other.
Fifty-seven years on and I must have done something right, she's still at my side.
happy.jpg
These two are inspirational. Ron and Joyce Bond, aged 102 and 100,
said a bit of "give and take" was the secret of a long-lasting marriage.
81 years in fact. Are they not just wonderful?
 
It's understandable to question the nature of love and relationships, especially hearing diverse perspectives.
In reality, love often evolves and faces challenges. While initial attraction can fade, deep connection and commitment can remain.
However, maintaining mutual respect and care is crucial. Communication about needs and changes is vital and both partners must invest effort to nurture the relationship.
Ultimately, love may begin as conditional but ideally evolves into a deeper, more unconditional bond as couples navigate life's complexities together.
 
oscash said:
PeppermintPatty: Your words bought me to tears. That's exactly how I felt about my beloved. When we were waiting for the ambulance to take him to palliative care, I sat beside him and thanked him for giving me two beautiful sons and a wonderful life full of laughter, and let's face it, there were good and bad days, but unconditional love can see you through anything. Bless you Patty. 💞
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Thank you Oscash,
Your post brings me to tears also.
Bless you. ❤️
 
I save unconditional love for my kids only. All other relationships have conditions but my opinion is love should be deeper than getting upset over some weight gain we all will have changing bodies as we age
 
My understanding of love, has nothing to do with lust. For me it is an unconditional acceptance of the person, and the desire to be a true human friend to them. If I am rejected for some reason, it hurts a little, but that does not change my actions. I continue to practice unconditional love. The lust thing stopped about 30 years ago. :)

Morning edit : 6/24 7:15am

You think that lust is unconditional too? It is our built in instinct. Getting the object that you want ( eating, drinking, and all kinds of things we
want ) are all natural for us to crave. So if we call that stuff love then it IS conditional in that does it satisfies our wants. So it all gets a little more complicated in having "pure" unconditional love. Maybe there is always a bit of what we are needing also. :)
 

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