My art as therapy

reteP

reteP

Member
Location
Northern Rivers, Australia.
As an only child to an abusive alcoholic father, my best defence was 'out of sight, out of mind'. In my room in total silence, drawing in my school books was a safe preoccupation. I would draw daily from after school to bedtime. In all honesty, artwork helped me to hold onto what was true within my being; that I was okay regardless. Doing art saved my integrity.

After I finished school and left home, in other words freedom, my art changed. I no longer needed to do art for survival. Doing art for the love of it seemed foriegn to me, and in a strange way it still does. As Aristotle once said, “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you (the foundation of) the man”; my words in brackets. So, my art was formed under the foundation of escaping my fears to survive. In a free world, my foundation somehow opposes the idea of doing art.

As a result, in the last 50 odd years, I have only been able to put together several artworks. Unfortunately one of my better pieces was destroyed, with everything else I owned, in a house fire. I keep telling myself I will repaint it one day, but that has never manifested.

Many years later, while studying for a degree in rehab counselling, I came across the subject of art therapy. This inspired me to have a go at it in the hope of straightening out some of my crooked foundatains. It did help me to move on, but only at one artwork at a time, with many years in between. Doing it continuously gets me back on the crooked track again.

So, the following posts will show what I've done over the last 50 years, and it's not much.

Flitering Ego
Flitering ego.jpg
more to follow...
 

After I learnt a bit about art therapy I eventaully came around to giving it a go. I did not want to spend too much time doing the art, because I don't need to dwell into my past fears. So I decided to sketch quickly by standing up at the easel with a sheet of A3 paper and use charcoal; a medium I was not too familiar with, but I was not going to waste my time on details. These sketches only took several minutes.

After doing one, I would step back and come to some sort of acceptance. Then the next day I would do another sketch. Here are some of them.

Little-me.jpg
Little-me.

During prolonged abuse I would shrink so small that I would disappear into the carpet fibres. My first experience of this was while I was on the floor near a lounge chair. It is a very belittling experience to be regarded as worthless.

Even so, I hanged on to what I knew was true, that I am a loving human being regardless of what others say, or do, to get me to believe differently.

Whenever I see an underdog rising again, I get a tear in my eye because I can relate to it.
Once risen, we can rise again.
 
Mind your own business.
Mind_your_own_business.jpg

On this particular abusive occasion, I was screaming for my life, when a neighbour across the road came over to complain about the abuse I was getting at the time. My father told him to mind your own business. The neighbour threatened to call the police. It was then, and not the other times from complaints be our immediate next door neighbours, that I knew something was wrong here, at home.

My lesson after this sketch is that at the naive age of five years old, I considered that my parents, who were 30 odd years old, could do no wrong. Boy, did I get that wrong. Even my father got that wrong about himself. He was very arrogant, and he hardly ever listened to others because he thought he knew better. That is one sure way to become ignorant of your own thoughts and behaviours.
 
Escape route.
Escape Route.jpg

My bedroom door opened up to the kitchen and dinning room, where my father would most likely be when he was home. It seemed that everytime he saw me I would get blamed for one thing or another, and often followed by some abuse. As I mentioned earlier, I learnt to live in silence and out of sight. So, for about ten years I would rather go through my window than through my door. Luckily we also had a toilet in the outdoor laundry.

After this sketch, it occurred to me that my friends knew that I use this escape route daily, yet they never questioned why. They must have already known what was going on at my place. The other thing that I became aware of is that my father must have known that I used the window regularly, yet never in those ten years did he question or mentioned it. Guilt can drive a person to bury their denials deeply.
 
I saw the truth, and evil ran away.
I saw the truth and evil ran away.jpg

This is my last (family) sketch, but the most important one for me. It was the last time I was abused physically. It was all because my arms were getting tired while eating with etiquettecy; and I rested my forearm on the table.

Suddenly I got hit across my head and crashed to the floor. It started again and I would count how many times he hit me. I remember 34, and after that my body became painless. I stopped crying, and turned around to look at my father face to face. He was sweating with rage. He looked at me, and knew that he could not hurt me anymore, and he fled to his bedroom and locked the door.

I saw the truth about my father, and evil ran away.

Unfortubnately, my father could not change his need for abuse, but this time it was all psychological. He would sabotage me in every way possible. I was never accepted by him. I once thought he was not my father, and I told my mother that. She then showed me a recent photo of me and a photo of my father at about the same age. . . I was a splitting image of him. He must have really hatted himself for some reason(s).
 
You were so smart to use your artistic talent to express yourself reteP. It was your own therapist. Your art is emotional which is amazing because that is what makes successful art. I feel emotional when I see your art. You communicated through all you've been through. Good for you. Pat yourself on your back for being successful at something meaningful.

I know you will never forget your past but now that you are older can you walk outside and see life and beauty in nature and express your joy in it's beauty? I would love to see some sketches of flora and fauna, of sunrises, of good kind people, of pets....do you have a dog?
 
Lara said:
...
I know you will never forget your past but now that you are older can you walk outside and see life and beauty in nature and express your joy in it's beauty? I would love to see some sketches of flora and fauna, of sunrises, of good kind people, of pets....do you have a dog?
Click to expand...
Thanks for your response.

I don't regret the past because it has contributed to who I am now, and I like who I am.

I had dogs, and other animals in my life. But where I live, a rental, does not allow pets.

I have not got much art, but will eventually show them.
 
Pepper said:
In the pics of your family, your dad, you do not draw yourself as a child. Was this deliberate? Your work touches my heart.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your response.
I did draw me as Little-me. :D
What you said is interesting. The images show how I saw it, and experienced it.
Then again, it may mean I still have residual feelings of being insignificant; but I don't think so.
 
reteP said:
Thanks Nathan.
Yes, I think story telling in a truthful way, as in revealing oneself without fear, is therapuetic in itself. I learnt that through self-help groups such as AA.
Click to expand...
I have a sister-in-law who is bi-polar, she paints nature scenes and that helps bring her peace. Also, a friend from the gym who is in recovery paints, and holds painting parties at the community center.
 
It’s good that you had an outlet to express your emotions. I also had a very abusive childhood and art & music was my saving grace. Creating things gave my mind something positive to focus on so I can certainly relate. Paper flowers, rock polishing, painting pictures, writing songs and poems were some of my outlets. Unfortunately I’m not sure what happened to all my artwork.

When I was an adult, I made many things for my parents and took them before my brother threw them out.
 
Both your art and your words are very powerful. Thank you so much for sharing. Your techniques are also wonderful. I particularly like the ego series. We are all a work in progress. Some further along than others.
 
Paco Dennis said:
@reteP Do you feel like concentrating on an art project occupied "time" with using your mind to actively create something? As therapy it would seem like a form of mindfulness. Instead of the habits that are "negative" you are engaged in something "positive".?
Click to expand...
Yes, that is right to a point. It depends on my true motive. If my motive is self validation, then I am self-serving like a dog eating its vomit. If my motive is service, then I am sharing what is good between us.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
It’s good that you had an outlet to express your emotions. I also had a very abusive childhood and art & music was my saving grace. Creating things gave my mind something positive to focus on so I can certainly relate. Paper flowers, rock polishing, painting pictures, writing songs and poems were some of my outlets. Unfortunately I’m not sure what happened to all my artwork.

When I was an adult, I made many things for my parents and took them before my brother threw them out.
Click to expand...
Yikes!
Yeah, we all suffer greif and loss in one way or another, especially lost expectations (of people, places, things and situations).

I found that we all come to a point of resolution as soon as we accept, and move on; which you obviously have _ good on you.
 
Pinky said:
Unfortunately, I can relate to your drawings in a very personal way. It's good that you had this outlet to express yourself, and what you were enduring.
Click to expand...
Thank you Pinky for sharing your experience. It's a confirmation that we are not alone.

One in five people suffer from some sort of mental abberration; this includes our parents. Whenever I come across dysfunction from myself and others, I remind myself of those statistics. I helps me to accept myself and the world I walk through, and make oppropriate choices to do the right thing for myself and others. This too is an outlet of expressing who we truly are, from our inner most being, where all our love comes from.
 
Alizerine said:
Both your art and your words are very powerful. Thank you so much for sharing. Your techniques are also wonderful. I particularly like the ego series. We are all a work in progress. Some further along than others.
Click to expand...
... sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, like everybody else.

Thank you Alizerine for sharing.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top