My brother is dying

Hi ronk,
I'm sorry this is happening and that no one included you. I do very much believe we will see our loved ones again. I hope that is a comfort to you.

If you loved him, try to tell him. That's my advice. Showing up and being there for him is love too. OMG, the older I get the more I notice the people who do not show up for others. I see them as highly ignorant of How to Live Life.

And don't think waiting will make it easier. It will never be easy. There's practicalities - like if the car is in the shop and you can't get it until Monday, and you can't afford a rental, that's a practicality.

Just remember that. It's always going to be difficult. You're not going to wake up Monday morning and say, "OK! Bring it on sorrow and grief!" Nope. It doesn't work that way. It's just a tough slog no matter what day it is.
 
My family was always plagued with emotional illness. My mother was in and out of the hospital most of her life. We became very well acquainted with Emotional Illness. My Dad was always physically and emotionally abusive as well.

Over most of our lives I struggled with the anger I felt, and sometimes was cruel to my brothers. But much of the time I tried to be supportive, and convince them to take better care of themselves. My one remaining brother has not even taken a shower or batch in decades (longer?!) One day his nurse was visiting, and said she'd been trying for 7 years to get him to take a shower. He refused to let anyone else clean him,

His body was swollen so large due to the weight gain. He'd been living with open ulcers for many years. I'm sure that had much to do with his current condition.

I can't deal with the idea of calling or visiting him at least till some time next week. I've been struggling with some of my own physical an emotional troubles that have almost paralyzed me. It doesn't help that my family has reacted in such a hostile manner when I told them I felt left out concerning his condition.

Thank you all for your support.
 

It’s very hard on our emotions when we lose a loved one, but having to watch one slip away day by day seems almost cruel. I think at the point where you are now, you should only concentrate on being with your brother as much as possible and keep the conversations geared toward the good times you shared together.

I wish you and your family the best.
 
@ronk He sounds so very mentally ill. I'm so sorry. If you can find a therapist, especially one that clearly says "Grief Therapy", do try to find one. Medicare does pay for that. It's so hard to find one now because so many are opting to work for Better Help and similar organizations that pay better than Medicare, but still look, even if you have to go to a virtual therapist.

There are some really ****ty therapists out there too. Just know that after 3 or 4 sessions, if you feel like that person doesn't give a crap about you and has no good tools to give you, just say "good-bye" and leave them. No doubt, a bad therapist can do just as much harm as any other bad relationship. Just like in other fields of medicine, some people mainly go into it just to get rich.
 
Might help you you get some books by Maya Angelou too. OMG, that poor woman did not get much in the traditional family support stuff but she figured out how to make a life for herself anyway, probably thanks to her grandmother and her own great intelligence.

I have one of her most famous quotes, adapted by Oprah Winfrey is seems, taped to my wall:
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."

They have shown you who they are. Believe them and find support for this time elsewhere, even if it's only from God. And don't let their titles fool you. I have met even pastors and church leaders who were total *******s when it comes to actually HELPING others through hard emotional times. Lots of pastors are just businesspeople, IMO.
 
My older brother was ten years older than me, my younger brother is ten years younger than me. My older brother passed away in his 80s. I always figured I'd be the next to go. My kid brother is my heir. If something were to happen to him, I can understand a little how you feel. It's not supposed to be like this. There's no right, no wrong. You gotta do what you gotta do. I know this doesn't mean anything now, but you're not the only person with strained emotions.
 
My parents are still alive but really out of the picture. Dad is around 96, and living in a Memory Care facility of a nursing home with his wife. My step-mother has a severe case of Dementia, and Dad is not far behind.

My step-sister is the daughter of my step-mother. I have not been a part of Dad's third marriage. She is doing her best to support my parents when they are in the nursing home. She is very hostile when I try to sort out information. So I'm really all alone here.

I was the youngest of three sons from the original marriage. Now I will be the only survivor.
 
Ronk...sorry for what you are going through. I can relate as both my parents have been gone for some time and I lost my only sibling, sister, in 2018. She was four years older than me. Since she is gone, I have no living relatives. Sometimes, it really bugs me...

Fortunately, I have my lifelong wife and three great kids we raised. Over the years they blessed us with 6 grandkids, so I still have family.
 
My older brother has been suffering from complications of diabetes for many years. He's grossly overweight and has open sores because his skin has stretched too far.

He's been in the hospital for a week. Today I talked to his nurse. She said he is on "hospice." They will treat his pain and make him as comfortable as possible. But they won't do any more. His kidneys are shutting down.

I'm concerned for him. But I'm also upset that no one in my family sought to include me in on the medical decision. I wouldn't expect to have a vote, but it would have been nice to know what was happening. He is my last surviving brother. I lost my other brother in 1987 at the age of 37.
Very sorry to hear about your brother Ron, I hope he can be comfortable with little pain. If you're close with your family at all, they should have let you know everything about your brother's health. Thinking of both of you.
 
Go and visit with your brother while you still can. He might know it's you, he might not; it might be meaningful to him and it might not.
But the visit will be meaningful to you. We all need closure when people we know exit the world and in the years to come you'll be glad you saw him.
 
@ronk please remember that whatever you decide to do, there is no right or wrong and don't let anyone in your real world tell you there is. You do what you feel is best for yourself.
 
Thanks everyone for your sympathy, support and for sharing your own thoughts and experiences. I'm still trying to get my feet planted back on the ground, and then I'll make a decision about my brother.
 


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